What are the financial, physical and emotional implications if my 81-year-old mother has to live with my husband and me? Any experience?

Based on the information you posted about the response your mom has given you, she will not be happy living with you and your husband. Don't do it. My 80 yr old mom at first was happy, until I had to help her with her medication, remind her to take shower, remind her when to eat and explain my boundaries & house rules (no eating in the bedroom). Ever since then, my peaceful home has become a battleground. The tension is so bad, it has been negatively affecting my mental & physical health. My sweet husband has to hear the bickering and that puts stress on him, which isn't fair. She doesn't have enough income to live anywhere on her own and due to a home in CA, that she must sell, she doesn't qualify for any assisted living. She has vascular dementia with a few other health issues. So, at the moment, we are stuck. I have talked to 2 social workers, 3 elderly advocates, my mom's primary care physician and my mom's counselor. They have tried to help, but my mom will only complain and blame all her issues onto those whom she lives with. With the housing market today, we don't know how long her house will take to sell. I am trying to keep my distance just to keep my sanity. I do all that I am supposed to do for her required needs. I am tapped out on everything else. If I had to do all over again, I would not have brought her into my home, maybe then I would have had a better relationship with her. My mom has lived with every one of her daughters (5 of them) and she had burned all those bridges. Sadly.

I am in the DON'T DO IT" camp.

If she is deemed cognitive appropriate to make her own decisions, then have the business office at her residence meet with her and explain the pending increase in financial responsibility. Be present with her and, explain that there are no other resources available. Insist that the facility provide her with options. Have a social worker get involved if she refused to address the changing needs. It does not sound like a good idea to take her home for many reasons.
Change is grief provoking and,bI hear your grief . She will also grieve the change needed and this may include anger. So be it....
Get support for yourself with your faith community clergy and also for her . Or other emotional , spiritual support if you do not practice a faith.

Peace

Don't do it. DO NOT move her in. It will be the biggest mistake of your life and the greatest regret of it too.
You don't actually want her living with you. For sure your husband doesn't want her to come. Your mom from what you're saying doesn't want to live with you either. So her moving in with you needs to be kept off the table.
One of the reasons why my marriage broke up was because of my mother's abusive neediness. It is true that a person can use neediness as a form of abuse. Seniors do it all the time.
Your mother does not need a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment if she is living alone. She needs to understand that she cannot afford an apartment like that. So it's out of the question.
If she doesn't want you to find her another place, don't. Let her handle it.
Whatever you do don't get talked into moving her in even if it's temporary because it will turn into permanent.

Hello. My mom lived with us for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's. Yes, it affected Hubby and me physically, emotionally and psychologically, but in our case, it was worth it, because my mom just couldn't handle Memory Care. Her fear and psychological discomfort there was off the charts, so, she lived with Hubby and me. Yes, our lives were turned upside down, because my mom was quite vocal and mobile, so when she'd storm out the door, I had to follow her lead, so to speak. I also had to adjust my work hours, so either Hubby or I was home with her. It wasn't easy, but in our case, it seemd to be the only solution. She functioned better in our home. I'd consult with an elder lawyer in your state and/or the Area on Aging, to find out about financial issues.

Many parents have simply assumed that if they have nowhere else to go, they will live with their child. You may never have offered, may have said it isn’t what you want, but that is still what they believe. They may not want a child telling them what to do, but they still believe in their own ability to tell the child what to do, if the chips are really down.

The best you can do is to lay it right on the line that you will NOT take her in. If the result is either a little smile, or a refusal to talk about it, you know what‘s in the back of her mind. Repeat repeat, increasingly harshly: – ‘if you turn up on my doorstep, I will be taking you to a shelter until you work out what to do’.

If you think that you have got the message across, ask her what she intends to do when the money runs out. If she says that she doesn’t know, and looks upset that it is worrying her, ask if she would like you to research a couple of options for her to choose from. Only research things that deal with ‘needs’ – not 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, for heaven’s sake.

And in the meantime, put her on a couple of waiting lists immediately. If a place comes up, she isn’t obliged to take it, it’s just a good step to do before the situation becomes desperate. It would be sensible to start the Medicaid application, too.


You can hope for the best, but this really is a case of expect the worst.

The Food Stamp program would be based on the same income she has now - she would apply as a separate household from you/your husband. Your income will not be counted in her case. The primary thing that would change is the amount she pays for rent (which allows a deduction in her current FS case), so it may lower the amount of FS she gets when she no longer pays rent.

Later on, if she needs to go to NH, her income would be considered for the NH care. If she doesn't have enough money to pay for monthly expense of NH, she would be applying for a Medicaid bed. Her income (less $60, I believe) would go toward NH monthly 'rent' and state Medicaid would pay the balance. What she would pay would have nothing to do with your/your husband's income. Her cash or bank accounts would be spent down to get her below the $2000 limit before Medicaid would kick in.

If you decide to move her in think about these things: Do you get along well with her? If not, the arguing and frustration will only get worse. You don't want to be responsible for all of her care. Can you toss all of her monthly income towards her care - would it be enough to cover what she needs - cleaning her area, washing clothes, helping with bath, etc. If her needs would exceed what she can afford to pay for and you can't financially help, then it may be time now to make the decision to move to NH. Could the other siblings help pay for things she needs...and would they...if she were in your home? That might help with decision too.

If she can't afford where she is now, she can't afford a bigger place. Even if she applies for bigger apt on her own, her financials are going to get her denied. When the rent goes up, she's not going to be able to live where she is either (unless siblings have finances and agree to pay the difference), so assuming she is of pretty sound mind she's going to realize she will have to move somewhere. You might want to start looking for cheaper places. Perhaps some that are based on income (check government housing in your area). If nothing near you or her other kids, it will come down to NH or your house.

SeekingInsight: Do not allow her to move into your home. She's already stated that "she is 81 years old and not five." She has already eliminated any help that you had proposed as she's said "I don't need my children telling me what to do."

Your mother is your mother; you & husband need to see the truth about mother's fincial:. Is she on fixed income it sounds like.
You both are retired enjoying some additional time life . Moving mother into the house is a true strong responsibility. Believe it sounds crazy she raised you know you will be raising her. Every once needs . I found it ok for know husband will feel pushed to side . Unexpected attitudes will flare with all parties . You really need to pray on this . As long as she can be alone & independent that's great for know .
Best to call the Area For Aging Seniors that was a wonderful out source and assistance in getting Seniors into affordable housing .
All her ADL be best kept secret. If mother belongs with UPMC they by income housing for seniors .
Get her PCP involved I'd another resources. Converse with social workers of her insurance also .
Yet that is the Big Decision on moving parents into family house
We love them , your other siblings can assist with calling agencies including AARP .
Try not to be discouraged,
Positivity is hard and if you have to cry along the way do it .

Seeking insight,

Two things I would consider. Are you in a state that mandates that parents without resources are the responsibility of their children should they become financially unable to support themselves? Google "States where I am responsible for my parent if they have no financial resources". I was surprised that a number of states require children to care for their parent(s) if they become unable to financially support themselves.

If you are already thinking about moving her to a new housing situation (not your home, I agree with everyone else), then look into senior communities now. By senior communities I mean communities that have memory care, assisted living, and independent living. If she can't afford her current apartment, and we all agree that she does not need a 2 bedroom, 2 bath (!!!), then look into communities where if she begins to show signs of dementia or has any other health issues, she will have the option to move within the community to a part of it that can assist with her needs as she ages.

I would assume that if you were to take her in to your house (DON"T DO IT), that a county official or social worker would look at your entire household budget to determine what subsidies she could continue to receive. But I have no experience in that aspect of elder care and/or subsidies.

One thing I have learned at this site is that people tell you what they have experienced. Listen. Guilt is a horrible thing. Do not let it run your life. Know what you can do and what you can not do. Do not feel guilty. Also you can try reaching out to firms like A Place for Mom. They are free, they give you an advisor who asks you (or your mom which would be better), what she needs and then helps her find it in a specific area. They do the research and tell you the cost and the wait time (waiting list for acceptance). It is easier than sitting in front of your computer and doing all the leg work yourself.

I wish you all the luck in the world and keep asking questions until you get the answer that feels right for you and your husband. What he thinks and feels is crucial.

Please make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney and get Mom's application to Medicaid in, so she can get qualified for appropriate care. If you take yourself out of the equation, then she can make decisions that fit her reality.

Your siblings can tell you all about the benefits of just being a visitor instead of a caretaker

I can only add my voice to the 'don't do it' chorus. Caring can bring the strongest person to their knees. We had my mum with us for nearly 20 years after my dad passed. I knew she could be difficult... I hoped she would be okay... but she really wasn't. As soon as we moved her out of her home of 30 years she changed, I don't think she ever got over it, and it still makes me cry to think of how unsettled and miserable she was. We did it for all the right, practical and loving reasons (eg. her home was too big and needed expensive renovations, and I didn't want her to be alone, and she said she was okay with moving etc etc...) but I didn't enjoy one single moment of one single day of us all being under the same roof.

She was like a grey cloud of misery from day one. I spent the first 7 years trying to encourage her to think positive and do things - that drained all my batteries - but she wouldn't do anything unless I went with her, so you can imagine the resentment on both sides. It only got worse as ill-health and dementia set in, and I finally collapsed and she spent the last few months in a care home (in UK). We did our best, and I loved her so dearly... but how I wish we could have handled things differently. Ah well. So this is just a kind word to say think very VERY carefully before you enter a situation you end up hating! Cyber hugs xxx

How does your spouse feel about this? And I mean beyond the "I'll support whatever decision you make" conversation?

We moved my mom in right after she retired when she was 65. BUT we have a 2 family home; she occupied the apartment. So she had an entirely separate living space, including a full kitchen. She was fully independent, driving, active, really a wonderful housemate. Once she started to decline, she was still easy-going, except for a stubborn streak about certain things, most especially delaying medical intervention until she was really in a crisis.

My husband and I had a long, serious conversation before we moved her in, talking about all aspects of what co-habitation might look like, including once mom became elderly and perhaps would need care. I didn't want to hear "I'll support you with whatever decision" because, while very "husbandly", it's not helpful when thinking about what the future might hold.

I can tell you that without my husband's support during the time I was taking care of mom, it would have been near impossible to do. So, my advice: if you haven't already, have those tough conversations with your husband. You need to ask him if he has ANY reservations whatsoever about this possibility; if he does, you need to discuss them fully, including (but not limited to) making a plan in case those reservations come to be. And accept the fact that if you can't come up with a plan, or if your husband isn't 1000% on board with mom living with you, then that idea is dead in the water with no further discussion and no bitterness towards your spouse. It's his home, too.

The last thing you need, as your mom gets more and more feeble, is a spouse who tells you THEN that he was never *really* on board with this plan but didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to upset you.

I would counsel against doing this inhome care. You already know the issues with the unreasonable requests you are getting, and having been reading the Forum for at least a while you know the issues. It is important we honor our own limitations.
So the advice I give you is what I consider most important. Were this me we would not have gone this far as I would have flat out said I would not do in home care. But you ARE considering it. I will, therefore, tell you this. Once you have this person into your home you have made it THEIR home and you have effectively painted yourself into the proverbial corner. Once Mom gets mail at your house it is her house and she is a tenant whether she pays rent or not. You will have enormous difficulty EVER getting her out when you realize you don't want to do a decade and one half of care for someone getting not better, but worse daily.
Don't do this. Just do not consider doing this. That is my advice, and you already saw it coming. I surely do wish you the best. And continue reading the forum for all the reasons why not to.

Then don't tell her what to do. Is she handling her own finances? Is she cognizant enough to understand money? Some 81 year olds are perfectly capable of handling their own affairs. Then it is her issue.

It sounds like Mom understands. I would show her that it is going to cost her more to live in 2bdrm 2bth apt and let her know she needs to downgrade or she will not have the money to continue on her own. I know with my Daddy no matter how sick he was he understood money! Cyber hugs

A lot of good advice here. If she can qualify for the veteran's assistance look into it. It took me a year to get it set up but my father got $1900 a month from that.

I moved my father from a one-bedroom in AL to a studio to save $500 a month. He actually liked the smaller room better.

You see that your mother will run out of funds in the near future. Your mother isn't concerning herself and insists she is an adult. The problem is, when it all hits the fan you are the one who gets to clean up the mess.

Set up a budget on what she can afford. Too bad if she can no longer afford a two-bedroom. I'd like a 5 bedroom home in Bermuda but I have to get over the fact I can't afford that.

Start looking at other apartments that are in her budget.

Do not move her into your home. You will lose everything. No more privacy. No more doing anything spur of the moment. Your mom will take over the home and soon you'll feel like you are living in her home and by her rules. Everything will revolve around her wants and needs. Anytime either of you does anything for yourself that does not include her, she will make you feel guilty. All the additional expenses will be your burden, not hers. The list will go on and on.

Sit her down and have a hard conversation. She can't afford the raised rent so what does she plan on doing? Don't let her off the hook until she gives your a real plan of action.

I recommend that you pay for a consultation with an elder law attorney. Bring your husband for a second set of ears and be sure to take notes (they can probably do this over phone and zoom if in person isn’t an option).

These attorneys know this landscape inside and out. You need to be very careful not to inadvertently squash her chances of being able to tap public funds like Medicaid, etc.

Play chess not checkers. Talk to an attorney and be strategic. Good luck.

Okay, I did this, but, I've lived with my mother on and off as adults several times in my life, and was caring for her 2x a week for a couple years before she moved in this summer...

As far as I can remember when we went through it -- my mother is still considered an independent entity in my home. Technically, she's paying me rent, and this might be why. She's entered hospice care for her primary dx (COPD end stage) which is 100% covered by Medicare. We have assistance for her coming at the "minimum" per week, which is nursing assistance 2x/wk, NP visits once a week, Social Worker once a week as needed, chaplain is on stand-by currently after the initial visit.

SNAP might not be effected if she still needs separate meal prep. Can talk to someone at any of your local senior centers they might know better. The gas/electric discounts won't pass over as your income will be included into hers, as electric/gas is supplied to the entire property, not per person, as food can be if special diets are required.

AFAIK I'm not financially responsible for my mom as she is not my dependent. No one has said as much. The trick to any of those things though is how the means-tested benefit is tested. I think even though she's in your home, if she was on medicaid she's still on medicaid as again, she's not your dependent, and you don't "share" health insurance the way you share electricity/gas.

I love my mother so hard I cry if I think of any level of pain touching her, and I am going to say for the record that it's been three months of this full time it. is. brutal. Even with the couple years of 2 days per week as practice.

It's a deeply personal thing as to whether a child can reverse roles with a parent or not, everyone's situation on that is always, always different. Add in the eventual mental disruptions and you could be in for a whale of a time. It's a mountain of things to face, the medical issues only feel like the icing.

Don’t do it If you already have doubts believe me it will not be a good situation I took my mother in 5 years ago and totally regret it My retirement with my husband turned into being her caregiver She cannot afford to live on her own with rents the way they are In the last six months she has fallen and now cannot walk without a walker My sister used to help me out once a year by taking her into her home for 6 weeks to give me a break Now that is out the window because my mother cannot do the 15 stairs to get into the guest room in my sister’s house I am more stuck then I was before This is not the Retirement my husband and I envisioned It is not fair and stressful I wish I never took her in There is a ton of resentment because I feel my mother made so many bad decisions during her lifetime and I am the one suffering from her poor choices DO NOT DO IT!!!

Please. Don’t.

Me- absolutely SURE I could do it. Me, nine sad months later- lesson learned.

To avoid arguments, consider putting the facts on paper so she does not have an opportunity to debate each issue as you bring them up.

1. If you have access to her financial info, make a chart of what is coming in, what is going out at the present then a chart of what is expected in the future... we are at least getting a good SS cost of living raise in January and Medicare cost is dropping a small bit. Make a comparison of her current lease vs a lease with a smaller apartment to show how she can continue to live in her current neighborhood.

2. Make a list of suggestions of ways she may stretch her income at least for the next lease period (referring back to the charts showing her finances). Make a pro and con list of what may happen if she continues her current style of living then the pro and con list of what may happen if she makes changes you recommend.

3. If your father was a veteran, check into possible spouse benefits such as Aid and Attendance to see if she might qualify now or even later.

4. Make a list of your concerns that she can consider on her own time and maybe she will allow you to be more involved to help her make better decisions. Let her know you didn't mean to make her feel as a 4 yr. old but you are trying to help her better understand the financial risks she is taking by doing nothing. Be blunt, on paper, that she is risking being at the mercy of the state because you and your siblings are unable to step in if she continues on her current path and you really don't want to see her homeless. Remind her that when she can no longer pay her rent, she would be evicted and it would be easier for her to consider options now to avoid that being an issue.

Hopefully, she would see some of these steps as you trying to empower her to be in a better situation to continue living in a manner she would prefer because you do love her.

The more you can put on paper in a clear and concise manner, hopefully fewer argumentative discussions will happen. Allow her to look over the info right then and ask if she has questions or opinions of why you might be misinformed. Then leave the information with her and hopefully she will continue to study it and see that you do have her best interests in your heart and allow you to be more involved.

Since ""I am 81 years old, not five and I don't need my children telling me what to do".....then what does SHE propose to DO now that she can't afford her apartment? Don't make HER problem YOUR problem!

You've already said how you know it's unwise to take the woman into your home to live with you, so eliminate that thought from your head entirely! Then proceed accordingly.

Let her know that living with you is NOT AN OPTION, PERIOD. Then ask her what she plans to do once X date rolls around and her rent is more than she makes in Social Security earnings?

If she doesn't want to be treated like a child, then stop acting like one!

SeekingInsight,

I applaud you for the advance research and planning on your Mom's behalf; too few adult 'kids' make the effort and fewer more are able to look ahead and try to avert the disaster that you see coming. You may want to contact her case manager at the county (the SNAP benefits means she has one) and inform of the situation. Once her funds run out, she'll qualify for Medicaid and they will insist on her facing her situation. Since SSA is in play here, they may appoint a Rep Payee to manage her funds if she refuses to allow family to act in that capacity.

The answer to her losing her current benefits if you do take her in is, yes, because the basis for eligibility is income for the entire household. You and yours would be responsible for providing her with everything she needs and if you take her in, even for one night on an emergency basis, you'll be it. If you let this train wreck run it's course, her county case mgr will pick up the reins.

You'd be ill-advised to take on what may end up being well over a decade of elder care and financial dependence. You've read enough in the forum to understand the many pitfalls. She won't discuss these issues with you now, when her wants are placing her at risk, that dynamic won't change as dementia gets a stronghold on her thought processes; I'd say that there's already some impairment evident in her wants as compared to her ability to sustain her chosen style of living. Two bedrooms, two baths? She needs AL that will meet her changing needs.

If you or anyone is able to reason with her - a trusted attorney or case worker - open a dialogue on future planning, imminent, as in: the date certain when her income exceeds her ability to afford rent under the current lease. Someone has to spell it out for her and force her to start making her plans.

If she's unwilling to tell you whether she has a medical POA and DPOA in place and who that designee is, then she's on her own. You, for the sake of your sanity, your own fiscal security and your marriage, have to make it clear to her that you will not be her safety net and will not allow her to move in with you once her funds and physical & cognitive capacity makes her dependent on others for her care and living situation. She quite likely assumes that you will take her in when it all collapses and you have to make it clear that you will not, cannot have her living with you, period.

I understand how hard this is, I truly do. Both of my parents fell ill with CV 19 two years ago; we lost Dad and I had to make the hard decision to not have my beloved Mom move in with my family and I held to that decision even after estate finances would've allowed for the minor remodel required to my home. The folks designated me as alternate to one another in all estate planning and this pre-planning has been invaluable. Mom had been increasingly dependent on Dad and my family was actually planning to sell my home of over 20 years and move to their state to help them. Plans were upended with Dad's death and she's in a care home, now in MC, 90 miles away. She's been wait-listed for a much better MC unit near us for over 1.5 years, but is safe and decently cared for where she is, she's just terribly lonely. We talk daily in the phone and I / we visit her weekly as able.

As a retired RN, I have the skills, temperament and knowledge of services to have Mom living with us, but as her condition has declined, I've grown increasingly grateful that I've stuck with my decision. In your situation, you can't predict your mother's health and cognition changes and she's not planning for her own eventual needs: I'm so glad that my parents did, but didn't complete all of their planning until 1 year before Dad's death at 80. We never know what tomorrow may bring and your mom needs to be forced to look at and plan for her future, whatever it may bring.

Make the calls to get her planning in motion and make it clear that you will not, cannot be her safety net.

You're too respectful! She's acting like a five year old, has no concern that she's a burden or will be a burden, and it's now your problem. Except that it isn't. Just because she's over 80 and has made bad choices, it doesn't follow that she gets to upend someone else's life. I hope they have studio apartments where she lives and that she'll downsize into one. I hope that she has a friend who could move in with her, and they each have a bedroom and a bath and split the costs. I hope that you can let go of the idea of taking her in because you may need to let her crash and burn. Judas Priest on a cracker, what is wrong with people who didn't plan for their old age? (Unanswerable question, but apt.)

Many suggest that a one bedroom one bath apartment would be best for your mom and you checked on that too, but where I live the comparison between two bedrooms and one bedroom is not much, so if the finances are not going to work for where she is now, they may not even work for the down sizing unless she starts to get real about her situation. I suggest someone other than her children to talk to her about her money and what is possible. A bank advisor can do that, an accountant, elder law attorney, a good friend of hers, someone who does not seem to be trying to control her and who she cannot argue with, just telling her what's what. Your intentions are good, but she seems to not see it that way. Moving her in with you seems a no. She is too independent for that.

Get the idea of "has to" out of your thought process.

OK Mom, no problem with you being independent but to remain this way you need to make some changes. With the rent increase you no longer can afford this apt. To be able to stay within your means you need to downsize to a one bedroom/one bath. You now have to draw from your savings and that will not last. So, when u run out if money...what are your plans.

If she says you or one of your siblings, tell her that is not an option. She needs to find housing to meet what she brings in. I would say if she can't afford a 55 and up then she may need a HUD apartment. She will pay 30% of her monthly income towards rent. She should still be able to get help. Get her name on a list. See if for now Social Services can help her with her rent. Maybe they can help locate her a place to live.

Mom needs to change the way she is thinking. She needs to realize to stay independent she MUST downsize. She should have seen this coming long ago. Once you need to dip into your savings, lifestyle has to change.



What Mom needs to understand is that she is no longer in the position to support herself the way she wants to support herself. Changes have to be made and soon. Her children are not in the position to support her financially. Your brother can't do it, the cost of MS meds are high. Your sister, is she in the position to help in any way?

Is there something Mom can get rid of. Like Cable. She can go to an antenna, stream some of the shows. Telephone, does she have a landline and a cell? Get rid of one of them. Insurance, if health than see if she qualifies for Medicaid. My Mom belonged to a State prescription plan, she paid nothing.

It is no longer about what she wants, it is about what she can afford, that is the bottom line.

Under no circumstances would I take her in, ever. She seems to know everything so I would just sit back and watch.