What are the financial, physical and emotional implications if my 81-year-old mother has to live with my husband and me? Any experience?

Don't take her in. She won't be happy and won't let you forget it. Find a situation that she can afford.

I'll only comment on the emotional impact, hopefully others will know about funding issues.

Two Queens does not make a happy castle... but, some families do make it work.

Are you considering a short, temporary situation while other options are explored? Or all in?

Have seen what Glad described. The resentment at not being able to live alone, or forced to downsize directed at the offspring that took them in. Maybe deep down they had graditude but the mixture of unhappiness, possible depression, adjustment to this life change brought out the snarls & snarks.

Then there is the sibling issue. Even equal share-caring siblings have their problems (& that is not on offer anyway).

Holidays for two? Or three?

If you suspect that these issues will cause negative impacts.. don't set yourself & your Mom up for misery - help her look for an alternative.

Don't do it. As she points out, she's not 5 and doesn't want your help and thus won't cooperate with any plan you make.

Is she managing her own finances?

Living in her own place...just her.. and she "needs" a 2 bedroom, 2 bath place! Where does that put you and your husband in the household? She going to take over 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms? Are you going to give up the Primary bedroom Suite to her?
Why does she need 2 bedrooms? and 2 bathrooms? Is she a hoarder?
But the big question here is how does your husband feel about this? He is the one who should have the most say in this.
I would tell her to start looking elsewhere for an apartment.
Get on waiting lists.
Look for Senior housing.
(might even want to consider an investment and buy a condo and rent it to her. )

No No No Why would she need gas electricity subsidy if she is living in your house? Subsidy is most likely for her home only. she needs to be moved to one bedroom one bath, She can't afford her wishes. It what she needs not wants.

You don’t want to move her in… there is no “if”. Don’t do it. You know this will not work. Why are you even entertaining the thought? Do you feel like you’ll be a terrible daughter if you don’t?

Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do home care too, and now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically and even financially) and wish someone had warned them.

If she is insisting on a 2 bedroom, that means she wants her own space. As in all of it. A bedroom and bathroom in your home is not the same thing. She will want control over it ALL. In
your house she will resume her role
of the mother, and you will be the child.

Kindly consider:

-Any sort of schedule you have now will be out the window. 

-She may become attached to you. As in she will want to go anywhere you or you and husband are going. Follow you around at home. Not allow you any privacy. Panicking if she can’t lay eyes on you right now!

-Can you lift her if needed? 

-You may need an aide. Are you okay with workers (strangers) in your house?

-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed?Multiple times a day, and night too? If she is not incontinent now, it’s very possible she will be.

-Are you able to help with bathing?

-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely? 

-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need anything, but you'll find almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you want or need time out. 

-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? How long can she be left alone?

-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs? 

- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work the next day? Same goes for working from home. 

- If you get sick or hurt, what plan do you have for her care?

- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her into memory care or a nursing home? 

I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Most on here loved their elder dearly and wanted to care for them. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.

One potential red flag I would consider is that she is currently living beyond her means. Sounds like she insists that she “needs” a 2 bedroom unit when her budget + the raised rent might mean that even a 1 bedroom unit could be a stretch. Unrealistic expectations on her part are bound to be an issue.

I’m realizing that almost all of my frustrations stem from my parents’ unrealistic expectations. They want to continue to drive when it is clearly not safe for them or anyone else on the road. They wanted to stay in their home when it was not a safe situation and they couldn’t afford to do so long term. They want to handle their finances but went months without paying bills including the mortgage. Just know that these are only the larger of the battles. It’s constant when they are under your roof. Medication, Doctor appointments, Meals, Exercise…you’ll get to help manage all of it and they won’t want to be “treated like they are 5”. I get that and don’t want them to feel like they are helpless but in some ways, they truly have lost the ability to care for themselves and it is frustrating to them, too. Roles really do get reversed and, in my case, it has been stressful for everyone.

I’m sure it works for some families. It was not the best decision for us and I wish I’d found another option. We’ll make it work but I am realizing that we’ll need to find a better solution one day. In moving them in with me, I may have made the transition into some sort of care facility that much harder on them. At the time, I just felt pressure to get them out of their unsafe situation ASAP. That is the other fun part of caretaking for me. I second guess myself constantly which just adds to the stress.

Can you sign her up on those waiting list without her knowledge. Not sure about legality of that but sounds like you are working on backup plans so if she is on the list you might only have a short term problem. I think Barb is 100% right to not get involved in her finances but I’ve read so many stories of people taking the parent into their home because the parent made no plans and backed them into a corner. I would put her on every list in town and if you can short term I would help with her rent till she gets in somewhere. Maybe the siblings could help with that. Good luck!

Your mother has made it clear that she doesn't want you telling her what to do.

That doesn't stop you asking her what she plans to do, though. Her rent now exceeds her income by amount X per month. She has savings of amount Y. How long before Y is depleted? And what then?

Stop putting up ideas for your mother to knock down, and ask her what she is going to do. If she refuses to discuss it with you, ask her if she would like advice from a qualified professional. It may be that she doesn't want to look at the situation because it terrifies her, but that's a long, long way from any suggestion that she thinks moving in with you is the answer.

You know deep down that moving her in would be a mistake. So don't do it. Your brother has progressive MS and obviously can't help, but why give your sister the reason for not helping of lacking compassion? Why can't you give yourself a valid reason for not being her caregiver?

You wrote back in May that her lease was up at the end of September, and that you didn't know if there were any 1 bedrm 1 bath apts that would be available on Oct 1. What did you find out? Did she renew her lease on the 2 bedrm 2 bath apt for another year?

You wrote in your profile that she has mobility problems and UTI. How is she cognitively? Does she handle her own finances? What do you do for her now?

It is no longer about what she wants, it is about what she can afford, that is the bottom line.

Under no circumstances would I take her in, ever. She seems to know everything so I would just sit back and watch.

OK Mom, no problem with you being independent but to remain this way you need to make some changes. With the rent increase you no longer can afford this apt. To be able to stay within your means you need to downsize to a one bedroom/one bath. You now have to draw from your savings and that will not last. So, when u run out if money...what are your plans.

If she says you or one of your siblings, tell her that is not an option. She needs to find housing to meet what she brings in. I would say if she can't afford a 55 and up then she may need a HUD apartment. She will pay 30% of her monthly income towards rent. She should still be able to get help. Get her name on a list. See if for now Social Services can help her with her rent. Maybe they can help locate her a place to live.

Mom needs to change the way she is thinking. She needs to realize to stay independent she MUST downsize. She should have seen this coming long ago. Once you need to dip into your savings, lifestyle has to change.



What Mom needs to understand is that she is no longer in the position to support herself the way she wants to support herself. Changes have to be made and soon. Her children are not in the position to support her financially. Your brother can't do it, the cost of MS meds are high. Your sister, is she in the position to help in any way?

Is there something Mom can get rid of. Like Cable. She can go to an antenna, stream some of the shows. Telephone, does she have a landline and a cell? Get rid of one of them. Insurance, if health than see if she qualifies for Medicaid. My Mom belonged to a State prescription plan, she paid nothing.

Get the idea of "has to" out of your thought process.

Many suggest that a one bedroom one bath apartment would be best for your mom and you checked on that too, but where I live the comparison between two bedrooms and one bedroom is not much, so if the finances are not going to work for where she is now, they may not even work for the down sizing unless she starts to get real about her situation. I suggest someone other than her children to talk to her about her money and what is possible. A bank advisor can do that, an accountant, elder law attorney, a good friend of hers, someone who does not seem to be trying to control her and who she cannot argue with, just telling her what's what. Your intentions are good, but she seems to not see it that way. Moving her in with you seems a no. She is too independent for that.

You're too respectful! She's acting like a five year old, has no concern that she's a burden or will be a burden, and it's now your problem. Except that it isn't. Just because she's over 80 and has made bad choices, it doesn't follow that she gets to upend someone else's life. I hope they have studio apartments where she lives and that she'll downsize into one. I hope that she has a friend who could move in with her, and they each have a bedroom and a bath and split the costs. I hope that you can let go of the idea of taking her in because you may need to let her crash and burn. Judas Priest on a cracker, what is wrong with people who didn't plan for their old age? (Unanswerable question, but apt.)

SeekingInsight,

I applaud you for the advance research and planning on your Mom's behalf; too few adult 'kids' make the effort and fewer more are able to look ahead and try to avert the disaster that you see coming. You may want to contact her case manager at the county (the SNAP benefits means she has one) and inform of the situation. Once her funds run out, she'll qualify for Medicaid and they will insist on her facing her situation. Since SSA is in play here, they may appoint a Rep Payee to manage her funds if she refuses to allow family to act in that capacity.

The answer to her losing her current benefits if you do take her in is, yes, because the basis for eligibility is income for the entire household. You and yours would be responsible for providing her with everything she needs and if you take her in, even for one night on an emergency basis, you'll be it. If you let this train wreck run it's course, her county case mgr will pick up the reins.

You'd be ill-advised to take on what may end up being well over a decade of elder care and financial dependence. You've read enough in the forum to understand the many pitfalls. She won't discuss these issues with you now, when her wants are placing her at risk, that dynamic won't change as dementia gets a stronghold on her thought processes; I'd say that there's already some impairment evident in her wants as compared to her ability to sustain her chosen style of living. Two bedrooms, two baths? She needs AL that will meet her changing needs.

If you or anyone is able to reason with her - a trusted attorney or case worker - open a dialogue on future planning, imminent, as in: the date certain when her income exceeds her ability to afford rent under the current lease. Someone has to spell it out for her and force her to start making her plans.

If she's unwilling to tell you whether she has a medical POA and DPOA in place and who that designee is, then she's on her own. You, for the sake of your sanity, your own fiscal security and your marriage, have to make it clear to her that you will not be her safety net and will not allow her to move in with you once her funds and physical & cognitive capacity makes her dependent on others for her care and living situation. She quite likely assumes that you will take her in when it all collapses and you have to make it clear that you will not, cannot have her living with you, period.

I understand how hard this is, I truly do. Both of my parents fell ill with CV 19 two years ago; we lost Dad and I had to make the hard decision to not have my beloved Mom move in with my family and I held to that decision even after estate finances would've allowed for the minor remodel required to my home. The folks designated me as alternate to one another in all estate planning and this pre-planning has been invaluable. Mom had been increasingly dependent on Dad and my family was actually planning to sell my home of over 20 years and move to their state to help them. Plans were upended with Dad's death and she's in a care home, now in MC, 90 miles away. She's been wait-listed for a much better MC unit near us for over 1.5 years, but is safe and decently cared for where she is, she's just terribly lonely. We talk daily in the phone and I / we visit her weekly as able.

As a retired RN, I have the skills, temperament and knowledge of services to have Mom living with us, but as her condition has declined, I've grown increasingly grateful that I've stuck with my decision. In your situation, you can't predict your mother's health and cognition changes and she's not planning for her own eventual needs: I'm so glad that my parents did, but didn't complete all of their planning until 1 year before Dad's death at 80. We never know what tomorrow may bring and your mom needs to be forced to look at and plan for her future, whatever it may bring.

Make the calls to get her planning in motion and make it clear that you will not, cannot be her safety net.

Since ""I am 81 years old, not five and I don't need my children telling me what to do".....then what does SHE propose to DO now that she can't afford her apartment? Don't make HER problem YOUR problem!

You've already said how you know it's unwise to take the woman into your home to live with you, so eliminate that thought from your head entirely! Then proceed accordingly.

Let her know that living with you is NOT AN OPTION, PERIOD. Then ask her what she plans to do once X date rolls around and her rent is more than she makes in Social Security earnings?

If she doesn't want to be treated like a child, then stop acting like one!

To avoid arguments, consider putting the facts on paper so she does not have an opportunity to debate each issue as you bring them up.

1. If you have access to her financial info, make a chart of what is coming in, what is going out at the present then a chart of what is expected in the future... we are at least getting a good SS cost of living raise in January and Medicare cost is dropping a small bit. Make a comparison of her current lease vs a lease with a smaller apartment to show how she can continue to live in her current neighborhood.

2. Make a list of suggestions of ways she may stretch her income at least for the next lease period (referring back to the charts showing her finances). Make a pro and con list of what may happen if she continues her current style of living then the pro and con list of what may happen if she makes changes you recommend.

3. If your father was a veteran, check into possible spouse benefits such as Aid and Attendance to see if she might qualify now or even later.

4. Make a list of your concerns that she can consider on her own time and maybe she will allow you to be more involved to help her make better decisions. Let her know you didn't mean to make her feel as a 4 yr. old but you are trying to help her better understand the financial risks she is taking by doing nothing. Be blunt, on paper, that she is risking being at the mercy of the state because you and your siblings are unable to step in if she continues on her current path and you really don't want to see her homeless. Remind her that when she can no longer pay her rent, she would be evicted and it would be easier for her to consider options now to avoid that being an issue.

Hopefully, she would see some of these steps as you trying to empower her to be in a better situation to continue living in a manner she would prefer because you do love her.

The more you can put on paper in a clear and concise manner, hopefully fewer argumentative discussions will happen. Allow her to look over the info right then and ask if she has questions or opinions of why you might be misinformed. Then leave the information with her and hopefully she will continue to study it and see that you do have her best interests in your heart and allow you to be more involved.

Me- absolutely SURE I could do it. Me, nine sad months later- lesson learned.

Please. Don’t.

Don’t do it If you already have doubts believe me it will not be a good situation I took my mother in 5 years ago and totally regret it My retirement with my husband turned into being her caregiver She cannot afford to live on her own with rents the way they are In the last six months she has fallen and now cannot walk without a walker My sister used to help me out once a year by taking her into her home for 6 weeks to give me a break Now that is out the window because my mother cannot do the 15 stairs to get into the guest room in my sister’s house I am more stuck then I was before This is not the Retirement my husband and I envisioned It is not fair and stressful I wish I never took her in There is a ton of resentment because I feel my mother made so many bad decisions during her lifetime and I am the one suffering from her poor choices DO NOT DO IT!!!

Okay, I did this, but, I've lived with my mother on and off as adults several times in my life, and was caring for her 2x a week for a couple years before she moved in this summer...

As far as I can remember when we went through it -- my mother is still considered an independent entity in my home. Technically, she's paying me rent, and this might be why. She's entered hospice care for her primary dx (COPD end stage) which is 100% covered by Medicare. We have assistance for her coming at the "minimum" per week, which is nursing assistance 2x/wk, NP visits once a week, Social Worker once a week as needed, chaplain is on stand-by currently after the initial visit.

SNAP might not be effected if she still needs separate meal prep. Can talk to someone at any of your local senior centers they might know better. The gas/electric discounts won't pass over as your income will be included into hers, as electric/gas is supplied to the entire property, not per person, as food can be if special diets are required.

AFAIK I'm not financially responsible for my mom as she is not my dependent. No one has said as much. The trick to any of those things though is how the means-tested benefit is tested. I think even though she's in your home, if she was on medicaid she's still on medicaid as again, she's not your dependent, and you don't "share" health insurance the way you share electricity/gas.

I love my mother so hard I cry if I think of any level of pain touching her, and I am going to say for the record that it's been three months of this full time it. is. brutal. Even with the couple years of 2 days per week as practice.

It's a deeply personal thing as to whether a child can reverse roles with a parent or not, everyone's situation on that is always, always different. Add in the eventual mental disruptions and you could be in for a whale of a time. It's a mountain of things to face, the medical issues only feel like the icing.

I recommend that you pay for a consultation with an elder law attorney. Bring your husband for a second set of ears and be sure to take notes (they can probably do this over phone and zoom if in person isn’t an option).

These attorneys know this landscape inside and out. You need to be very careful not to inadvertently squash her chances of being able to tap public funds like Medicaid, etc.

Play chess not checkers. Talk to an attorney and be strategic. Good luck.

A lot of good advice here. If she can qualify for the veteran's assistance look into it. It took me a year to get it set up but my father got $1900 a month from that.

I moved my father from a one-bedroom in AL to a studio to save $500 a month. He actually liked the smaller room better.

You see that your mother will run out of funds in the near future. Your mother isn't concerning herself and insists she is an adult. The problem is, when it all hits the fan you are the one who gets to clean up the mess.

Set up a budget on what she can afford. Too bad if she can no longer afford a two-bedroom. I'd like a 5 bedroom home in Bermuda but I have to get over the fact I can't afford that.

Start looking at other apartments that are in her budget.

Do not move her into your home. You will lose everything. No more privacy. No more doing anything spur of the moment. Your mom will take over the home and soon you'll feel like you are living in her home and by her rules. Everything will revolve around her wants and needs. Anytime either of you does anything for yourself that does not include her, she will make you feel guilty. All the additional expenses will be your burden, not hers. The list will go on and on.

Sit her down and have a hard conversation. She can't afford the raised rent so what does she plan on doing? Don't let her off the hook until she gives your a real plan of action.

It sounds like Mom understands. I would show her that it is going to cost her more to live in 2bdrm 2bth apt and let her know she needs to downgrade or she will not have the money to continue on her own. I know with my Daddy no matter how sick he was he understood money! Cyber hugs

Then don't tell her what to do. Is she handling her own finances? Is she cognizant enough to understand money? Some 81 year olds are perfectly capable of handling their own affairs. Then it is her issue.

I would counsel against doing this inhome care. You already know the issues with the unreasonable requests you are getting, and having been reading the Forum for at least a while you know the issues. It is important we honor our own limitations.
So the advice I give you is what I consider most important. Were this me we would not have gone this far as I would have flat out said I would not do in home care. But you ARE considering it. I will, therefore, tell you this. Once you have this person into your home you have made it THEIR home and you have effectively painted yourself into the proverbial corner. Once Mom gets mail at your house it is her house and she is a tenant whether she pays rent or not. You will have enormous difficulty EVER getting her out when you realize you don't want to do a decade and one half of care for someone getting not better, but worse daily.
Don't do this. Just do not consider doing this. That is my advice, and you already saw it coming. I surely do wish you the best. And continue reading the forum for all the reasons why not to.

How does your spouse feel about this? And I mean beyond the "I'll support whatever decision you make" conversation?

We moved my mom in right after she retired when she was 65. BUT we have a 2 family home; she occupied the apartment. So she had an entirely separate living space, including a full kitchen. She was fully independent, driving, active, really a wonderful housemate. Once she started to decline, she was still easy-going, except for a stubborn streak about certain things, most especially delaying medical intervention until she was really in a crisis.

My husband and I had a long, serious conversation before we moved her in, talking about all aspects of what co-habitation might look like, including once mom became elderly and perhaps would need care. I didn't want to hear "I'll support you with whatever decision" because, while very "husbandly", it's not helpful when thinking about what the future might hold.

I can tell you that without my husband's support during the time I was taking care of mom, it would have been near impossible to do. So, my advice: if you haven't already, have those tough conversations with your husband. You need to ask him if he has ANY reservations whatsoever about this possibility; if he does, you need to discuss them fully, including (but not limited to) making a plan in case those reservations come to be. And accept the fact that if you can't come up with a plan, or if your husband isn't 1000% on board with mom living with you, then that idea is dead in the water with no further discussion and no bitterness towards your spouse. It's his home, too.

The last thing you need, as your mom gets more and more feeble, is a spouse who tells you THEN that he was never *really* on board with this plan but didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to upset you.

I can only add my voice to the 'don't do it' chorus. Caring can bring the strongest person to their knees. We had my mum with us for nearly 20 years after my dad passed. I knew she could be difficult... I hoped she would be okay... but she really wasn't. As soon as we moved her out of her home of 30 years she changed, I don't think she ever got over it, and it still makes me cry to think of how unsettled and miserable she was. We did it for all the right, practical and loving reasons (eg. her home was too big and needed expensive renovations, and I didn't want her to be alone, and she said she was okay with moving etc etc...) but I didn't enjoy one single moment of one single day of us all being under the same roof.

She was like a grey cloud of misery from day one. I spent the first 7 years trying to encourage her to think positive and do things - that drained all my batteries - but she wouldn't do anything unless I went with her, so you can imagine the resentment on both sides. It only got worse as ill-health and dementia set in, and I finally collapsed and she spent the last few months in a care home (in UK). We did our best, and I loved her so dearly... but how I wish we could have handled things differently. Ah well. So this is just a kind word to say think very VERY carefully before you enter a situation you end up hating! Cyber hugs xxx

Please make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney and get Mom's application to Medicaid in, so she can get qualified for appropriate care. If you take yourself out of the equation, then she can make decisions that fit her reality.

Your siblings can tell you all about the benefits of just being a visitor instead of a caretaker