My 91-year-old Mom wants me to get out all her Christmas decorations this year. She thinks she can decorate but I know better as I can't even get her to pay her bills and she won't give them to me. I know if I do this we will still have decorations strewn around the living room, and not put up, all the way to Christmas Day. She wants to have my brother's family over this year for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day. I know all the cleaning, decorating, cooking and clean-up is going to fall on me and I am really stressed.
She knows how I feel but still wants to go through with it. Do I put my foot down and tell her I will do some decorating but I will not get all her stuff out. I live with her and have many of my own decorations and would be happy to put a lot of them up. Or, do I do as she says and feel the stress of looking at a mess that she is unable to handle? I know this could be her last Christmas but I want it to be an enjoyable time for me too and I am so anxious about this. My brother will be doing Thanksgiving so I am grateful for that. His family is a help with cooking but not Christmas decorations and cleaning at my house.
Life has taught me to pivot and not get stuck in my ways.
Then after the holidays, downsize all the decorations to a more manageable amount. I gave a much younger family member my Snow Village collection, as it was just too much work going up and down the stairs dozens of time, then making space to set up the village, yada, yada, yada. The person receiving the Village was so excited she couldn't thank me enough :)
Although I still have some of my guests spend the night from Christmas Eve supper to Christmas day dinner, it is not the big house party that I used to host. One big meal is all I am up to and the only overnight guests are my 2 sons who live 5 hours away--and they help in the prep and the cleanup. If your brother and his family would not be helping but would expect to treated like guests, tell them that spending the night is simply not something that you are up to this year.
You have not said why you think that this is your mother's last Christmas. We celebrated my mother's "last" Christmas several times. She was far more resilient than the doctors believed. You need to make decisions that will not only make this Christmas something that you can enjoy, but also set up some expectations for Easter, next July 4th, and whatever holidays will be coming. As we age we must scale back. Be honest and firm with your brother. Do a few things with a few of your mother's ornaments and tell her that you will get back to it "later." Today you have so many things to do. If she has dementia she may forget. On the other hand, if she continues to talk about it, point out that you have started, see that group of ornaments in the window, then repeat that you will get back to it when you have time.
As others have suggested, call a cleaning agency to do a cleanup in the week following Christmas. Have your brother's family help load the dishwasher, but leave the floors and such alone until the agency can get someone there. If you have given up your job to care for your mother she can afford to pay for a one day cleanup. You might ask brother to help with it.
One day we all will be dead, and our memories either good or bad will remain. Some soon forgotten it seems. Life should not be so stressed over holidays that truly do not celebrate the true Messiah. Long ago I stopped putting up a tree or celebrating a pagan holiday. Think about when you get old and need help. Show kindness while you can. May each one of you think about how you want to be treated when you can no longer take care of yourself.
selfish pagan worshippers, then.
(I knew it!)
Totally irrelevant, but when I read about people decorating these enormous Christmas trees, I thought for the first time in years of that song from my childhood. Stay safe!
Bonus if you catch the playing of "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses.
I've seen a wall hanging, with a painted/tapesty tree + all kinds of pretty baubles sown on. Beautiful, sparkly & just one thing to hang. (I had considered commissioning such a treasure.. but still a dust collector).
Now lights! This is inspiring. For the most minimalist, skip the tree - just a hologram.
As my next home will be 'the downsize' I will *pivot* to a new plan too (Thanks for the word Connie). Maybe go modern art & paint a corner of the room a green shape, then add a light show..
No offence meant if this is someone's preferred religious custom.
Enjoy the time together.
I think you should do what makes you happy. Period. If people get hurt that's their problem and is on them.
Didn't we used to be able to send a "hug" on the open forum?
Or, was that feature just for private messages?
No answer really.
We had fresh mashed potatoes, as if I were cooking them for a holiday dinner.
And a salad.
See, part of the holiday called Thanksgiving is already over, and I am so relieved.
Clean up may take several days, lol.
Everyone, make your own, new holiday traditions.
A Christian has no problems celebrating every day of the year.
Bah Humbug sign
$24.95 on Amazon.
Instead of a Ho Ho Ho, we can have a Ho Hum!
Let's talk about who is coming over and what is on the menu!
My dH and I don't know what to do with ourselves after the loss of a brother and a best friend in March and November. We have already declined holiday invitations, but that is our normal every year.
He never does want to pull the decor out, hang lights, then take them down.
I told him that I think tradition has it that many people do not celebrate that year. Maybe this has changed?
So, I told him he doesn't have to decorate at all. He is so relieved.
As for me, I did not even know I was grieving until some cruel poster wanted to instigate a fight over my screen name. I started crying, way too much for a silly social media issue. Then I remembered, my best friend was being buried today. 🌹
We always spent Christmas Day (CD) with my father’s family. His autumn death was fresh and my mother couldn’t be there without him. (lovely people, just too painful) So she travelled to my city where we’d have a quiet CD together. My husband’s friends coaxed us to join their potluck gathering, which was full of laughter and singing. We had a wonderful time and it became our new tradition. (it was difficult for us to travel to my home city and we appreciated celebrating locally)
Tragedy struck another autumn and my husband and the hosting friends died. We continued to spend CD with their usual crowd, but now at my house. Laughter and tears flowing freely. We lit 3 pillar candles in the centre of the table and reminisced about our missing loved ones.
A few more years passed, I remarried, had kids and moved away. Our CDs are usually just us and our kids, spending time together playing games, etc. We invite people who are lonely or have been rejected by their own families. I decorate and cook up a storm, but the vibe is quite casual.
I hope you find find a way to spend the day that suits you both and helps heal your hearts. Do whatever feels right for you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Can you arrange an early Christmas dinner with the whole family going out?
This should not be added on to your caregiving duties, imo.
I hope you have some relaxing times and make some good memories to think about next year.
Your family is disgusting and selfish.
Yes, protect yourself from them and don't think twice
about it.
Hugs
My dad didn't like Christmas for his own deep-seated reasons, ro once Mom was no longer able to decorate, then that was it -- they didn't. It broke her heart, because she loved having the house decorated for at least a week or two (and not extravagantly by any means), so I'd go up there and get out some things to put around the house.
It still matters to me, and I just won't be able to go dark for Christmas.
Add some straw, swaddling clothes, and a manger.
A sign reading: "HE is not here".
🐂
Thankyou Send 🤗
I keep whittling down the traditions down each year. Shedding what no longer serves. Simpler food, fewer gifts & less decorations. Less waste. More eco. The tree was all I really wanted last year. I even threatened to have ONLY the tree. Bare. 🤪
A cactus. With lights. (Do you think my family will call the guys in white coats to come get me..?)
So decorate anything that brings you happiness. But, just a warning, lights on the cat don't work out so well. They keep unplugging themselves :-)
Stop talking about it with her, and decide to do what you would if you were alone.
Maybe clean your house, and when the family arrives, put on some music and allow them to complete the tree. Some people do this on purpose as their tradition.
I am sorry that your stepfamily was not there for you in your time of need.
The most sick person here is your step DIL. She made excuses for her husband's very bad behavior. I'll bet she makes excuses for a lot of things about him. I do realize that many people's lives were/are made extremely difficult by Covid and maybe they couldn't afford gifts that year but this is abuse. Wishing you comfort and joy at this time of year.