My 91-year-old Mom wants me to get out all her Christmas decorations this year. She thinks she can decorate but I know better as I can't even get her to pay her bills and she won't give them to me. I know if I do this we will still have decorations strewn around the living room, and not put up, all the way to Christmas Day. She wants to have my brother's family over this year for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day. I know all the cleaning, decorating, cooking and clean-up is going to fall on me and I am really stressed.
She knows how I feel but still wants to go through with it. Do I put my foot down and tell her I will do some decorating but I will not get all her stuff out. I live with her and have many of my own decorations and would be happy to put a lot of them up. Or, do I do as she says and feel the stress of looking at a mess that she is unable to handle? I know this could be her last Christmas but I want it to be an enjoyable time for me too and I am so anxious about this. My brother will be doing Thanksgiving so I am grateful for that. His family is a help with cooking but not Christmas decorations and cleaning at my house.
You have a brother who 'won't get over it' if you don't do things precisely HIS way. Then I suggest you all go over to HIS house where he can do things precisely the way he wants to, and that ends your obligation to bend over backwards to accommodate his desires. If, btw, he works full time, he certainly DOES 'have the money' to buy 'catered' food such as pre made mashed potatoes which does not constitute 'catered food' but pre made foods we ALL buy at the grocery store so that nobody is slaving over the sink peeling potatoes for 2 hours or a hot stove boiling them. #Truth. You're not 'stuck' doing anything you don't choose to do willingly. If you don't want to do something, decline politely. And whoever doesn't 'get over' will still live through it, I guarantee you that.
Insofar as your mother's wishes go, the woman has dementia. Her wishes will change on a dime (trust me on that), so now, she's no longer in charge of making decisions, YOU are. That includes paying her bills if she would like your continued help in living with her, etc. Which also includes putting up Christmas decorations. That's up to you, and should not have anything to do with 'guilt' regarding how much spare time you have, but what you WANT to do. You don't need an 'excuse' not to do your mother's version of decorating, nor should you feel the need to call yourself 'selfish' for not wanting the stress of The Holidays when you've already taken on the huge stressful burden of moving in with your mother. Whoever doesn't understand that stressful burden has never lived with their elderly, dementia-stricken mother before. #Truth again.
Whatever you decide to do here, should be YOUR decision and yours alone. Whoever doesn't agree with you doesn't have to; it's not necessary that an entire family be in 100% agreement with one another over 'holiday festivities' and how they're carried out. Christmas is Jesus's birthdate and something tells me, He doesn't care if the potatoes are boiled on the stove, purchased in a carton at Safeway, or skipped altogether for a PB&J sandwich at the kitchen table. We get so busy with the details of making the festivities perfect, that we forget the reason for the season in the first place.
Best of luck.
If everyone wants to help with the holiday decorating, the cooking, and the cleaning, then pull out all the decorations and do it up. Not if they don't though.
Tell your mother these EXACT words as kindly as you can:
'Mom, I think it's a great idea that we should decorate for Christmas and celebrate. I know you can't do it yourself and I'll help. I can't get out all the decorations or do all the cleaning up, but I'll certainly help'.
Then stick to your word. Don't let her guilt or scapegoat you into become a seasonal slave to her dream Christmas. If she can't respect your boundaries then don't do anything for the holiday.
My mother always ruined the holidays for me since I was a little kid. I was never allowed to enjoy them because they were always just about her depression and how much work she had to do.
Then as I got older the holidays were basically me driving myself into exhaustion doing everything while at the same time making it look like she was doing it.
Then I met the love of my life. A nice Jewish man and I converted. Christmas is coming and my elderly mother has been bringing her A-game with the guilt-tripping. I told her that I'll be doing Christmas day like a proper Jew. Having Chinese food with my husband and son. The rest of my family can do Christmas for her.
If your mother won't be reasonable and understand that you're not going be a holiday slave, then maybe you should light the menorah, get some Chinese food and the family can have a Jewish Christmas.
I remember the first year I did this with my husband and his family. We were just dating then. It was the best "Christmas" I ever had.
Made me smile. Thanks! Haven’t smiled in about 3 months. (Good thing there’s no Smile police.) (Arrested for not smiling).
I think you should do what makes you happy. Period. If people get hurt that's their problem and is on them.
Didn't we used to be able to send a "hug" on the open forum?
Or, was that feature just for private messages?
Pay for cleaning help. A lot of companies will do a one day.
Make a few dishes only if you want but order from a restaurant or grocery already cooked.
Scale way down to what you feel up to. Use paper everything this year. No one can do the huge holidays that we used to.
Mom will get over it.
fresh market does a lovely holiday meal you can pick up the day before and reheat. Get the thicker/fancier disposable dishes and focus on her potential last holiday vs the burden on you. Can your brother drive you guys around to look at Christmas lights? I know all of this is easier said than done but you won’t regret bringing joy to her and your family.
Your mother did the absolute minumum for holidays when it mattered. That time was when her family was young.
She's lucky you do anything. Everybody wants the big grand holidays only when they don't have to do them. When it was mom's time to do the holidays she did very little. Mine too.
I know you said you don’t have money to get aspects of the meal catered, but it’s still expensive to buy everything at the grocery store. My family has ordered Chinese food on Christmas in the past. It was easy, inexpensive and everyone loved it.
As the host, you can decide what to do. Absolutely paper plates! If you do make something, keep it simple or do potluck.
If brother doesn’t like your plan, he can host! Don’t let everyone steamroll you. Sending love.
Life has taught me to pivot and not get stuck in my ways.
See All Answers