Christmas. Any suggestions?

You don't provide any information about whether your Mother has a diagnosis of cognitive or memory impairment but it sounds like she could have the beginnings of dementia by what you describe.

The caregiving arrangement has to work for both parties. Sounds like it is not working for you rirght now. I strongly recommend getting her tested so you know what you're dealing with. I learned a lot by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. There are ways to interact with our LOs with dementia to make everyday engagement more peaceful and productive. She can't help having dementia. You need to alter your strategy and perceptions so that you don't burn out.

When my MIL was in decline, I arrranged a special decorating day with her and her grandkids. I put on Christmas music and made cookies for them (or they made "easy" cookies together). You don't have to get her "buy in" for plans -- do what is the least stressful for you. There are no wrong answers.

This is a disaster already. Can you alert brother’s family and plan a day of everyone coming over to put up her decorations, then another day to come over and take them down afterward? It’s too bad that mom expects you to handle all this yourself. Christmas with old people is so stressful!

You should have your brother read this post because you've explained yourself pretty well.
If everyone wants to help with the holiday decorating, the cooking, and the cleaning, then pull out all the decorations and do it up. Not if they don't though.
Tell your mother these EXACT words as kindly as you can:

'Mom, I think it's a great idea that we should decorate for Christmas and celebrate. I know you can't do it yourself and I'll help. I can't get out all the decorations or do all the cleaning up, but I'll certainly help'.

Then stick to your word. Don't let her guilt or scapegoat you into become a seasonal slave to her dream Christmas. If she can't respect your boundaries then don't do anything for the holiday.
My mother always ruined the holidays for me since I was a little kid. I was never allowed to enjoy them because they were always just about her depression and how much work she had to do.
Then as I got older the holidays were basically me driving myself into exhaustion doing everything while at the same time making it look like she was doing it.
Then I met the love of my life. A nice Jewish man and I converted. Christmas is coming and my elderly mother has been bringing her A-game with the guilt-tripping. I told her that I'll be doing Christmas day like a proper Jew. Having Chinese food with my husband and son. The rest of my family can do Christmas for her.
If your mother won't be reasonable and understand that you're not going be a holiday slave, then maybe you should light the menorah, get some Chinese food and the family can have a Jewish Christmas.
I remember the first year I did this with my husband and his family. We were just dating then. It was the best "Christmas" I ever had.

I looked at your past posts. Last December you were given advice to consult an elder law attorney. Did you ever do that?

You live with your mother and plan on being her caregiver until you can't. The house is in her name, your name, and your brother's name. You didn't want your mother's money to be used for her care.

Any updates on all that? Has your mother's health declined in the past 11 months?

I'm also curious -- did you give up a job to be your mother's caregiver? You weren't being compensated to be her caregiver, because that was a bit "cold," you thought.

Yet your brother didn't give up anything, did he?

Mom was diagnosed with mild congnitive disorder but she is going downhill. She doesn't have any grandchildren and my brother's family is busy working full time. I do not work so I really have no excuse accept that I know she will do little to decorate when I get all her stuff out. I guess it is the expectation that I do it all that bothers me. I will work something out. I'm very stressed right now with other things and thinking about Christmas is just stressing me out more. I think I'm being a little selfish. I have the time.

20 decorations.
Go out for lunch.

Put out a few of her decorations.
Pay for cleaning help. A lot of companies will do a one day.
Make a few dishes only if you want but order from a restaurant or grocery already cooked.

Scale way down to what you feel up to. Use paper everything this year. No one can do the huge holidays that we used to.

Mom will get over it.

say no. Growing up my mother did the bare minimum for holidays. Little to almost nothing. At about age 60 she became a holiday decorating junkie. About 40 boxes of stuff and 3 large trees. She expected me to spend 2-3 days putting up stiff and more time taking down and storing. I did it 2 years with no help but a lot of criticism. then I said no more. I started giving stuff away to grandchildren who were setting up houses. She complained. but by that time she needed more help with other things and she realized I could step back completely.

The moral of this story is similar to all the rest of the stories on Earth: You can't please all of the people all of the time. So stop trying so hard.

You have a brother who 'won't get over it' if you don't do things precisely HIS way. Then I suggest you all go over to HIS house where he can do things precisely the way he wants to, and that ends your obligation to bend over backwards to accommodate his desires. If, btw, he works full time, he certainly DOES 'have the money' to buy 'catered' food such as pre made mashed potatoes which does not constitute 'catered food' but pre made foods we ALL buy at the grocery store so that nobody is slaving over the sink peeling potatoes for 2 hours or a hot stove boiling them. #Truth. You're not 'stuck' doing anything you don't choose to do willingly. If you don't want to do something, decline politely. And whoever doesn't 'get over' will still live through it, I guarantee you that.

Insofar as your mother's wishes go, the woman has dementia. Her wishes will change on a dime (trust me on that), so now, she's no longer in charge of making decisions, YOU are. That includes paying her bills if she would like your continued help in living with her, etc. Which also includes putting up Christmas decorations. That's up to you, and should not have anything to do with 'guilt' regarding how much spare time you have, but what you WANT to do. You don't need an 'excuse' not to do your mother's version of decorating, nor should you feel the need to call yourself 'selfish' for not wanting the stress of The Holidays when you've already taken on the huge stressful burden of moving in with your mother. Whoever doesn't understand that stressful burden has never lived with their elderly, dementia-stricken mother before. #Truth again.

Whatever you decide to do here, should be YOUR decision and yours alone. Whoever doesn't agree with you doesn't have to; it's not necessary that an entire family be in 100% agreement with one another over 'holiday festivities' and how they're carried out. Christmas is Jesus's birthdate and something tells me, He doesn't care if the potatoes are boiled on the stove, purchased in a carton at Safeway, or skipped altogether for a PB&J sandwich at the kitchen table. We get so busy with the details of making the festivities perfect, that we forget the reason for the season in the first place.

Best of luck.

How is everyone in a family working themselves into a lather anyone's idea of celebrating the birth of the savior of mankind?

Maybe her last Christmas, maybe not. The last post I read on here, the parent died at age 106. Can you handle 15 more Christmases? For now, you could just say no. What's she going to do, call the Christmas police? Maybe she'll call other family members, and they'll say no too, then at least you're not the only bad guy.

Release yourself. Figure out what you will do-tell everyone what they can expect. If they want more...they can add to your plan. Or go somewhere else. Holidays are for Joy, Peace..Gratitude. I do not welcome power tripping, anxiety...lame comments...
I called my Mom yesterday eve. 1st thing she says is "I have a list with 14 items on it." Shook me at 1st. She doesn't cook. Hates shopping. Never did Holidays well. I told her I have a list & that I'm in the midst of trying to sell my Listing, but to relax-that I have it all taken care of. Told her she could think on the one easy dessert she makes. She said she doesn't think she remembers how. Told her no prob.. I feel for my Mom wanting some holiday cheer & wanting to feel a part of creating, but I realized last year: she sits and watches me do all. Sooooo, I do what works for me. Told her she can help us set the table (it's full of mail piles to the sky right now) .. She won't. It's a lot of worrying & talk on her part. I also tell her I focus on the days in front of me.. the holiday days are a blip. Enjoy every day of the season.. Tried to drive her to see lights last year & she screamed. Scratch that idea..
I make sides the night before going to her place to do T'Giving for 5 hrs on the Tues the 22nd. She complains not the actual day.. I don't care. I bring up sides & pick up an already cooked slab ;-) of Turkey from Whole Foods 30 mins from her house. I do a few sides & rolls. Next visit up on the 4th, I will take her to get a tree which I will decorate for her (like last year). She never did Holidays well when I was a kid. I hang a strange array of ornaments from a box she has. Flip side, I do it up for my Kids.. Love decorating. I do Holidays at my place with my Kids on actual days.. Sorry, not sorry. Proud of myself for sticking to this! I tell her they have other Int'l relatives in town and I am not driving on the days themselves and I like to be alone much of the day (which isn't true, but easiest ways for me to stick to game plan that works for me, and my Kids.. Tell her it's the Holiday season not a 9-5 job with only 1 way to go about it.. Like it or lump it. I don't care!!! Sooo happy I stuck to this last Holiday season, 1st season with my Dad at the Board & Care...(he passed Jan 1.)
EPIC remarks from "BurntCaregiver"-- speaks the truth & keeps me laughing... Bahahaha. I will be sharing this with my Jewish Stepsister. She will LOVEEE:
"Oh, H*LL to the NO on that. Don't guilt-trip yourself. Do the holiday low-key and low fuss. You can still make it nice.
If there's any complaints because your mother, brother, and his in-laws were expecting Christmas at Windsor Castle well tell them they can give King Charles a call next year and see if he'll have them."
AND: "My mother always ruined the holidays for me since I was a little kid. I was never allowed to enjoy them because they were always just about her depression and how much work she had to do.
Then I met the love of my life. A nice Jewish man and I converted. Christmas is coming and my elderly mother has been bringing her A-game with the guilt-tripping. I told her that I'll be doing Christmas day like a proper Jew. Having Chinese food with my husband and son. The rest of my family can do Christmas for her.
If your mother won't be reasonable and understand that you're not going be a holiday slave, then maybe you should light the menorah, get some Chinese food and the family can have a Jewish Christmas.
I remember the first year I did this with my husband and his family. We were just dating then. It was the best "Christmas" I ever had."

If you were sick and couldn’t decorate, they would all “get over it”.

If you broke your leg and couldn’t cook, they would all “get over it”.

If you broke both arms, and couldn’t decorate, they would all “get over it”.

And this year, if you read the above, say “I can’t POSSIBLY do that.”,
they will all “get over it”.

I have seriously considered changing my Christmas season to the Cruising season - book a cruise & sail off into the sunset leaving it all behind..

Haven't done that... yet..

I just loved ALL of it (stressful but happy) when the kids were young. I decorated, had a theme, got them involved. I hope these fond memories are still there for them..

For me they are overridden by the F.O.G. stress of more recent years.

A year came with a wonderful sounding plan of 'it would be great to all get together - family helps family etc' but this uncovered some Magical Thinking & Big Expectations: for me to pay & provide - for all - for all time..

I don't regret it. It was all learning. How to speak up. Communicate. Strike a fairer balance going forward.

Now, we have found compromises that seem to work more or less ok for all. Had to accept some things have passed, some traditions brought more burden than joy. To let those go.

Hope everyone on this thread can also find their compromises 😊

Is it possible to start a new kind of Christmas celebration, making it special with small touches instead of an all-out typical family get-together? I understand that everybody wants what they usually have, but changing things up can be positive and create new, less-stressful traditions. If your brother and sister-in-law want a lot more, they really need to pitch in to make it happen, whether your mom thinks it's too much for them or not.

More hands make setting up and decorating a tree a lot less work and a lot more fun. Maybe it could be done as part of the Christmas Eve family get-together, where everybody can reminisce about ornaments and things that have happened in Christmases past. Let the family bring some Christmas snacks and supplement them with a few of your own (we always have eggnog, sparkling grape juice, fruit cake, mixed nuts, candy, summer sausage, cheese log and crackers... not at all healthy, but it's just once a year...). Forget a full dinner; you'll have had a great one at Thanksgiving, for which you can wholeheartedly express your appreciation. Pull out some old photo albums from when you were kids at Christmas. Give your mom a chance to laugh and hear your memories. And on Christmas day, maybe just make it a couple of hours. If your mom does a lot of daytime sleeping, that may be enough for her anyway... She'll have her decorated tree and family, and you'll have minimal cleanup afterwards.

(Our Christmas tree has actually been up for three years running now, because my Dad so enjoyed seeing it every day and didn't want it taken down after his and Mom's first Christmas living here. The ornaments are very dusty now, and there are probably some cobwebs between the branches that we purposely don't look for; but now we don't have to deal with tree decorating and then repacking all the ornaments and taking down the tree every year. It's worked out very well; and the hospice people seem to enjoy seeing it when they come, after the shock of seeing it on their first visit to our house!)

It's the love that ends up being what matters, more than holding on to traditions that are too hard to maintain.

At this point, we selectively clean the house when my siblings are going to be here - the kitchen, living room, and master bedroom/bathroom used by my mom. There's no other part of the house they really need to see, since her mobility is limited, and those areas are where she'll be, when they come to visit. An immaculate house doesn't make a holiday, anyway. My mother-in-law loved outdoor work but never cared for housecleaning - and I never felt more at home anywhere else than in her dusty, cluttered house with grandkids' food crumbs all over the kitchen and living room floors, because the house was so full of kindness, gentleness, and love.

When your brother and sister-in-law have Thanksgiving at their house, they do what they want and you work with them to help that happen. When Christmas is at your house, you have the same prerogative to call the shots, in a loving way.

Every family is different, and as you said, you will do the best you can; so these suggestions may not work for you at all. I just hope the holiday will be enjoyable for you as well as the rest of the family, and that when it's over, you have memories to treasure - and some energy to spare.

I refuse to do a tree, though mom likes it. Nope. Too much freakin work for ME. I bring her some things from the attic for her to decorate without a stinkin tree. And I bring down certain things and that's that.

It IS very stressful to do holidays. I just like it less and less. Except for the grandkids and kids coming over - that I love!

Proposing a caregiver’s Christmas: Pisstamus. Christmas for the pissed of us. How many urinals do we have to empty before we can get out of this nonsense of pretending like everything is normal? Maybe need to decorate our trees with empty prescription bottles and fluffed up gauze pads.

If you don't mind the actual standing on steps and tracing/replacing teeny tiny light bulbs, why can't you and mother put the decorations up together? - and blend your collections, for that matter. What am I missing?

I wouldn't take out all Christmas decorations just to have them shewn all over the home until Christmas and still nothing gets put up.

Take control. Limited decorations that are easy to put up. Maybe some Christmas cookies and eggnog without the spiking.

Not directly related - but it parallels. My advice is that you will start having to assess and pick your battles. Because you are probably going to run into more and more situations where she is adamant that she can still do things that you KNOW she can't. And that you also KNOW the outcome before you even attempt it.

Recently my nearly fully bedridden FIL decided he wanted a doorbell camera. Without talking to anyone - he called his internet provider and ordered theirs - after they had already assessed his home and told him that the one they had wouldn't work for him. (he has an older "intercom" doorbell in a really bad spot off on the side - in the worst possible spot for a doorbell camera, for their model to work it would need to be wired, pulled through drywall, placed in a better spot, would require an electrician- it's just a lot of work - he literally ignored all of that). FIL decided that HE would do it. I don't mean that he decided that WE would - I mean that he decided that HE would. He can't sit or stand for long periods of time, he has tremors in both hands, he is legally blind, he can't drive to get supplies, he certainly can't climb ladders or drill into drywall.

We KNEW there was no way that he could do this. And we didn't want to do all of the work involved -including the expense of hiring an electrician when we could literally just get another battery operated model that would do exactly the same thing and put it where it needs to be with no damage to the house. Right now we are in an old fashioned stand off. We have given him his options. He can call them and request to return the camera and we will help him order the right kind. Or he can have the camera he insisted on ordering sit on his desk because we aren't participating in the crazy idea to install it. And without our participation he can't make it happen.

We aren't trying to be cruel. We just know that to make his "dream" happen - it means that WE are going to be doing the work to make it happen. And there is literally no benefit to it.

Is it possible that you can give her a few decorations to set out and she would be happy with that? Tell her that you don't want ALL of the decorations out this year because you are going minimal? Give her enough to decorate her space without impeding her space or making it hazardous to her? Or would a small compromise just make things worse? (It would in our case that's why I ask lol).

Unfortunately there are going to be times where you do just have to pick a "hill to die on" and put your foot down because you have a right to less anxiety. The holidays are already stressful enough.

You say "she knows how I feel but still wants to go through with it". Famous last words....not to generalize but I find they always do....because frequently they either want to be able to help and don't know their own limitations or they don't think they have any limitations, or in our case....they literally never do anything but then when they get a "bright idea" they think they get all of their ability back in one fell swoop just because they want to and don't recognize that they have lost their energy and strength and don't recognize that they will literally leave the work to someone else.

I feel like this would be more you drag everything out and then she sits in a chair and tells you where to put everything! And that sounds exhausting!

You live in HER house, so you technically are a guest. So be a guest.

Your mother is the host I would suggest she plan her Christmas Dinner, she can order the food through Instacart, get her decorations up and be ready to head up the kitchen cleanup. She can hire people to assist her with this dinner and cleanup.

Might be time to set some boundaries and not indulge in her fantasies of what was. Life is about change, change the formula so that everyone can enjoy the day, not just her.

Try to get these arrangements to be something you can handle. Would your brother also do Christmas dinner for you and your mom? Would it be possible to have them over for Christmas eve when you can give the presents and have something easy like desserts and hot cider, hot chocolate? What about compromising and taking out some of her decorations that you like and also some of yours? Keep it to what you can help with (no mess). You might both feel good with a decorated house. Try to keep it a happy occasion. All the best to you and your mother and family.

"The point is I will probably do all the decorating, cleaning and almost all of the cooking."
 
" I think I need to try and change my attitude and that will help me through this."

Change your attitude how? To simply accept that you are the Christmas slave?

But it sounds as if that is what you will do. I don't think you will be able to hold to your "if it's not up by Dec 15 it's not going up" boundary.

I so wish it could be otherwise for you!

Go ahead and get out the decorations that most will not be used.

My idea: Back in the year 1997, I was still working and wasn't feeling well at the time. My mother was 77 and no longer able to decorate a tree without assistance, so I talked us into something much simpler with a poinsettia plant on the end table. The only decorations were an ornament on our front door and one or two tree ornaments hanging on hooks. I don't remember the food, but we kept it very simple, and my brother brought some in as potluck style to enjoy. We sent and received holiday cards and had presents as usual. We celebrated with my brother who visited our place on Christmas Eve.

If she can afford it, there are companies that will come in and decorate, and, I assume, undecorate. Pricey, but if that is what she wants, let her pay for it. Make it clear that they will need cash or the barrelhead (They may not but arrange it anyway in her case.). You can buy a lot of the meals at any grocery store. Make it easy on yourself, and allow her to pick up some of the tab. In fact, perhaps, you could explain the problem to your brother, and get some pot luck thing going? IF he sees her for any length of time, he should see what you are attempting to manage. Although, Lord knows, families tend not to do so. It is possible that if she is really old and tired, she may say everything is fine after the Xmas tree is up, of course. Apologize nicely if you wish, BUT SET LIMITS ON OTHERS' NEEDS, RATHER WISHES, so you will be around for a few more Christmases.

Is it possible that if you picked up a pretty wreath, bouquet,, whatever and put it somewhere prominent that she might be distracted and satisfied? Same with the meal plans, as others suggested a simple get together one time, presents and dessert? And a simple potluck meal the next. She is remembering a feeling that she wants to reexperience. These might do the trick, not all the stagecraft and gourmandaise. People around her, a little music?, a few decorations, maybe a beautifully wrapped but simple present? Just tell her that you are doing a really nice Christmas, and if you and all are cheerful, it will be.

If she can afford it, there are companies that will come in and decorate, and, I assume, undecorate. Pricey, but if that is what she wants, let her pay for it. Make it clear that they will need cash or the barrelhead (They may not but arrange it anyway in her case.). You can buy a lot of the meals at any grocery store. Make it easy on yourself, and allow her to pick up some of the tab. In fact, perhaps, you could explain the problem to your brother, and get some pot luck thing going? IF he sees her for any length of time, he should see what you are attempting to manage. Although, Lord knows, families tend not to do so. It is possible that if she is really old and tired, she may say everything is fine after the Xmas tree is up, of course. Apologize nicely if you wish, BUT SET LIMITS ON OTHERS' NEEDS so you will be around for a few more Christmases.

If there are I assume boxes and boxes of decor- set the boundary “ mom we open one box of decor a day ( or every other) and that is all for that day. And if you don’t get to every box( which is the point ) good.
as to the meal- pot kick or order from a Bob Evans etc and brother picks it up.
How aware is she? If she sees some decor out and you say that is all the decor she had would she accept that or does she know every piece?
i understand to her - the holiday routine is comforting.
but try to pare it down, brother shouldn’t expect a fancy party. Pick up pre-made food.

You mention a key word , dear, that you " live with her". I interpret this to mean you live with her in her house. So, she has the right in her own home to request and do whatever she wants as long as safe.

95 years old, and requesting all her old decorations out and, family present should be applauded, honored. You will be glad that you did what she wants. She is doing a part of " life review" looking at and using all her old decorations; do not deny her this. You will be glad that you honored her request. Take a deep breath, decide to enjoy it.

I hear and respect your fatigue and
" caregiver exhaustion". Enlist help from nieces, nephews, grandchildren, other family and make a memory moment none will forget !

I would put out a few important decorations and that’s it.

I know you said you don’t have money to get aspects of the meal catered, but it’s still expensive to buy everything at the grocery store. My family has ordered Chinese food on Christmas in the past. It was easy, inexpensive and everyone loved it.

As the host, you can decide what to do. Absolutely paper plates! If you do make something, keep it simple or do potluck.

If brother doesn’t like your plan, he can host! Don’t let everyone steamroll you. Sending love.

Sounds like you’ll be in charge of cleaning out all this excess Christmas stuff when Mom’s gone …. Can you use this year’s exercise of going through it to also organize some of it? I mean as you’re pulling it all out, is there a box or two (or 10) you can mark in such a way that when the time comes you’re able to know it’s all junk/things you don’t want so you’ll be able to get rid of it quickly/easily? Alternatively, get a new box or two and put the most special items in there and those are all you keep when the time comes. Organizing all of it doesn’t get easier after we lose the parent .. it only becomes a more painful chore. You could instead organize it with her (in her chair watching, no doubt) and save yourself one task later. She doesn’t need to know you’re thinking ahead - she just gets to see you enjoying her treasured items/memories with her which is probably what she wants this Christmas anyway.

fresh market does a lovely holiday meal you can pick up the day before and reheat. Get the thicker/fancier disposable dishes and focus on her potential last holiday vs the burden on you. Can your brother drive you guys around to look at Christmas lights? I know all of this is easier said than done but you won’t regret bringing joy to her and your family.