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I'm new to this sight and I think divine intervention led me here today! It has been a particularly bad day dealing with my 92 year old father who has mid-stage dementia, diabetes and congestive heart failure. He's become so dependent on me and lately has been asking me to do things that I know he's capable of doing for himself. Tonight I had had enough of his demands and blew up! I even told him if he wasn't happy here to find someplace else to live! I felt horrible after I said it but he's really pushing my buttons lately. My husband was understanding and backed me up because he hates to see my dad make me jump through hoops all the time. Is it wrong to insist that they do things on their own and only offer assistance if I know he can't do it? I don't want dad to feel like I don't want him here but I don't want him to become totally dependent before his time. How do I back this up without feeling so much guilt?

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dhauser...first I found this site yesterday....and it has been wonderful. Welcome!
I know its hard not to fee guilty...but we can only take so much. One thing I have realized in the last couple of days....is that when mom begins her ranting and raving (I usually take and take and take until I blow)....I can sit down here and pour my heart out here.

It is not wrong to insist that our parents do as much for themselves as possible.

Hang in there!
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Hi bamaellie! I think what's bothering me is that I've always been the "good, obedient, daughter". Never talked back to my parents and it's so hard to stand up for myself. I think I really hurt dad by saying what I did. He's only lived here about 3 weeks and we're still in the "adjustment" stage I guess. I'm so glad to be able to talk to others who are going through this! Also, it drives me crazy when I try to go into another room to do something and he's yelling trying to find out where I am. It's like I can't get 2 minutes to myself! I'm lucky to have a helpful, supportive husband and he just held me and let me cry tonight after dad went to bed. I thank God for my blessings every day.
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Can you sit down and talk with your dad? Explaining that this is new and going to be difficult for all involved. Set some type of boundaries. Have some "you" time.

Just remember, we are going to make it.
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I agree this site has been a great tool and my heart goes out to everyone who is in this boat on stormy seas. This ain't easy folks!

That said...we have made a commitment to help our parents and that means learning to deal with them and what seem to be demands. I don't know the type of things your dad wants you to do for him but at 92 they are pretty helpless. Add in health issues and they become even more helpless. We may think they can do things but often they are really tired of having to do and want to be cared for. I agree they should do as much as possible if only to keep them active but as they decline, they will require more assistance. That is scarey.

Before you get to the end of your fuse, you need to talk to your husband to see if he or someone else can watch your dad while you go for a walk or just take a shower and let it out. There is a lot of relief crying in this group. We all feel better after we get it out. Keeping a journal where you can vent is also helpful.

Consider how you would react to your dad's requests if he wasn't your dad but someone you were taking care of. I have adopted a professional manner in taking care of my 90-year old mother. I give her lots of encouragement when she does something that she says she can't. Sometimes the endless demands just sap your last ounce of patience which is when you need to remove yourself from the situation. For most of us, just having a moment to ourselves is enough to get us back "in the game." When I am exhausted I let my partner or sister know I just need some uninterrupted sleep.

Work on your dad's behaviors and be certain that you aren't asking too much of him for his age and condition. From what I have read on this site, I think too high expectations and denial of our parent's decline are two things that make our lives more stressful.

Take care of yourself. You are a good daughter to help your dad!

Julie Q
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Hey dahuser -- 2 yrs ago I moved in with my mother. As I got older my parents and I became the best of friends. However, now that I live with my mom who is in the last stages of alzheimers . . . I have found myself acting insane. For instance, my mother once thought that I was talking about her. I wasn't I was talking to my sister on the phone about my childrens clothes sizes. Anyway, I asked my mom to join us in the living room to watch White Christmas with Bing Crosby . . . my mom always enjoyed old movies, but now can't even focus on the tv. Anyway, she yelled out, "I heard what you said about me!" I was dumbfounded. I walked in the kitchen and in anger, yelling said what are you talking about. I did not say anything about you. The very next minute she said, I didn't say you were talking about me". I went insane . . . I yelled, shook a chair . . . I blew.

Look, I think if we were not good children, we wouldn't be doing this. I take care of my mom because I love her . . . you couldn't pay me enough to put up with some of the insanity. My mother's doctors told me that you have to reverse roles with your parent. You are now the parent and your dad is the child. Would you let your child get away with what your dad is doing? Sometimes you have to be firm. It doesn't mean that you don't love them. The more your dad does the better. The day will come when he won't be able to help. So, make him help while he can. And please don't be so hard on yourself. It happens to all of us.
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dahuser, you spoke out of frustration to your Dad, not because you are mean spirited. You obviously care enough to be doing what you are doing for your Dad and adjusting to a senior's chronic health issues can be pretty scary. Caregiving is very, very stressful in the situation you describe, and feeling like you have to be at your Dad's beck-and-call would be nerve-wracking. I am glad you were able to cry and feel loved by your husband. Keep running to your husband's supportive arms and keep coming back to share here whenever you feel like pouring your heart out. I would imagine from the little you have shared so far that you are also like many caregivers, including myself, when we become alarmed. It helps me to slow down and focus on one request at-a-time. It also helps me to gently tell my Mom that I only have 2 hands and 2 aging feet. We both get a chuckle out of that. It is also ok to let your Dad know when you are feeling tired and need a little rest. Sometimes we may think we have to hide our feelings as caregivers. I try to share as much as I can when it may be appropriate, especially if I am starting to feel tired. Mom is always understanding. A sense of humor helps, too. When I become frustrated and speak out-of-turn like we all do since we are human, a sincere apology to Mom helps me to keep both of us moving forward. We are only human. Your Dad hurts as much as you do and is probably as scared as you are even though he may no longer know how to express his feelings without making recurring demands. Another strategy might be to ask your Dad to join you when he asks you for something that you think he is able to do for himself. Hold his arm and tell him you would appreciate his help in getting whatever it may be that he wants. There is nothing wrong with pushing that envelope to help him help himself more, unless he is clearly having difficulty. Good luck as you continue to work out your new caregiving responsibilities and remember to be patient with yourself.
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Thanks everyone for your words of support and insight. Last night after I went to bed I did some heavy duty praying and alot of soul searching! We have a baby monitor in dads room so we can hear him and I heard him up early this morning rattling around in his room. I suspect he had a wet bed as he usually does even though he wears Depends at night. Anyway, when my husband and I got up at 6:00, dad was sitting on the edge of the bed dressing so I just left him alone to see how he did. When he came out, he had no idea that he had put on the wet pajamas he took off. Oh my gosh!! He really can't take care of his needs anymore! I didn't make a big deal - just took him back in and put clean clothes on him. I've been overestimating his ability to do things and I feel just awful! I guess it was wishful thinking that he could still do some things. He's slipped more than I thought. I guess we all want to think that our parents are still our parents but I realize now that the tables have turned. I have a whole new perspective this morning and getting all your support has helped me tremendously to know that others are dealing with the same issues. Thanks and we can ALL get through this!
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Hi Everyone,

I've added some to these stories off and on. But I've have not found a story quite like mine. Is there anyone with a similiar situation like mine. My husband is 58. 1 1/2 years ago he was diagnosed with Dementia. The one I think they call MID. He has had a stroke with right side brain damage. He still has most of his memory. He'll forget little things like taking his meds, taking a shower, etc... He started about 6 months ago with loosing control of his bowels. About 2 months ago he started wetting. I have sense then convinced him to wear what we call seat covers. He thinks it's funny. He laughs inappropriately alot, otherwise he really has no emotions. All he will do is sit around alot. He does do alot of starring. Mostly at me. I wonder what he is thinking. A friend of the family has moved in a few months ago to help fix the things around the house my husband cannot remember how to do. (He is a godsend.) His smoking is another big problem. If I don't buy his cigs, he will walk 10 miles to town to get them. He does not get lost and pretty much knows everyone. He will smoke up to 3 packs a day. I've tried giving him only 1 pack a day. It didn't work. The doctor has tried Chantix. It did not work.
I know with him being only 58, I have a long road ahead. Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent.
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After I had posted my comments to you dahuser and read Julie's comment.... I began to feeling guilty about me getting frustrated with mom at times....and yes I've blown before after taking and taking. I realize now we all do love our parents, not matter what. We're tired, there is so much others things we have to do other than just physical things. Caregiving bears on us emotionally too. Dahuser hang in there...and I'm so glad you have such a supportive husband.

Jules, after joining this site Monday, it has already helped me so much...as far as venting....and reading other peoples story. I guess there maybe no answers for everybody...but just being able to vent...and know there are other people who understands.
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hi everyone! hi, bam*hugs* i think we all need to go a gym and use the punching bag. i blew at my mom cause i wanted to go to bed for once lastnight. she was in the kitchen and i turned the light off with her still in it and left. I sleep in the livingroom on the couch as its a 1 bedroom apt. she finally found the light and yelled she will go to bed when she wants. i said "not in my bedroom, GIT!" she said to go get in her bed and she will sleep on the couch. i felt bad, but i continued. told her i wasnt sleeping in a pee soaked bed. which at one point was my bed. not anymore.

i apologized to her this a.m and said that im just so dang tired i dont know what to do sometimes. she apologized too and said she was sorry i was so tired and that she was the cause of it. ive been interupted 3 times while i type this. mom just tosses trash on the floor and goes away. i told her i wasnt her maid and theres a trash can right behind her. but i didnt yell. i remained calm. we did the trash together. because i remember(even when she doesnt), i know shes tired and sorry too.
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