My mother has repetitive thinking and has no reasoning. I get really frustrated. I hear the same thing over and over every day and cannot direct her away from what she is saying. She has trouble remembering things. She is lucid at times and still able to do her check book. Money is everything to her and her son. She went crazy when she found this out when money missing. Big change in her since she realized her Christian son was stealing from her. Broke her heart.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”
https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4
Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:
The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently
Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
You need to change your behaviour to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.
Best of luck!
So instead of trying to correct her or argue with her, it's always best just to meet her where she is, as her reality is her reality. Period. Not meeting her there will only continue to frustrate you and her.
And as far as her trying to maintain her checkbook, I sure hope that you or someone honest is double checking her, as she really doesn't need to be in charge of that anymore, and perhaps had she not been this whole time, the theft of her money from her son may have been found out sooner than later.
You must understand that she will only continue to get worse so make sure she/you have all her "ducks in a row."
Best wishes.
I hope you haven't moved in with her to become her fulltime caregiver, considering as how her POA son is stealing money from her. There was the issue of the house going to him, and then you if he died? Why does HE get the house first?
What happens if your mother needs 24/7 help? I just hope YOU don't become the cargiving slave to preserve the house for your brother.
I found among many -
https://www.alzinfo.org/understand-alzheimers/clinical-stages-of-alzheimers/
https://www.alzheimers.net/stages-of-alzheimers-disease
Today my husband and I went into his neurologists office for his 6 month routine check up. I asked what stage he's in. He was initially diagnosed in 2009. He is now Moderate. According to the above first listed link my husband's symptoms indicate that he is in Stage 5.
Those prior stages of incessant repetition, (he still does it but not as much. He recently started to become aphasic), is due to an inability to remember which includes not remembering that they can't remember, and this is because of brain damage. The brain of people with Alzheimer's disease is shrinking. It's dying.
In 2012 my David was part of a 4 yr clinical trial. He had MRIs yearly. I saw evidence that his brain was shrinking in size.
The strange thing is their mind numbing, for you, repetition will at some point flip. Later down this journey you will find that you will be the one who incessantly repeats as they go into the stage of non-comprehension.
There will come a time when they genuinely and innocently try their darnedest to comprehend your instruction, You may find yourself experiencing a whole new kind of frustration as you repeat simple and obvious instructions - "Go through the door, go through the door, go through the door, go through the door, x's 10, and then finally you see life, and you hear in a petulant manner, and with a look that say you're stupid a sh*t - "What exact does go through the door mean?"
It hurts my heart for him, but by my drumming I've whipped myself into a state and I'm thinking for G-d sakes we're both dressed to exit, we just put our shoes on which is a sure as shooting indication of our intent, I have my dang crossbody bag on, my keys are in my hand the door is held open, my eyes are not only crossed but have switched sockets and the veins in my neck are bulging like a woman in labor and I say unrestrained - Go through the door means go through the f'ing, door". He still has a self defending character, G-d love him, and calls me a hugely gross name but moves, (thanks be to heaven) in the right direction. And I start to sing, through clinched teeth to the tune for Lean on Me, my own lyric, P** on Me because I am whipped, unappreciated, I hate my life but need to make him laugh. He's a good guy. I'm a walking splattered smug constantly trying to keep my molecules collected. I'm the only one who suffers the reverberation of that nonsense I could've control, and that could easily have been avoided. In a split second he talks about the weather or the garden. I can't sustain anger, it sickens me, and I can't have him suffer it either. It's stupid on my part. He's a juvenile and loves the idiocy of my lyrics. He thinks it's the best thing ever.
Normally I usher him out like a baby duck. Sometimes it irritates me how dumb things tickle him. "Hey, why don't we try skipping to the car? I do a lot of that to let off steam and to erase the moment" His disease is a great teacher on how to let go.
Depending on what your mom repeats I found that purchasing a ream of typing paper, a magic marker and scotch tape helps. Stick on the dashboard, smack dab in front of her, a reminder of your destination. - To the Mall, etc.
Does she remember that her son stole from her? You must tell him that you’re going to file a complaint to the police AND Adult Protective Services.
You must join a support group. No one on earth is more of a non-joiner than I.
I joined one after eight head banging years and it was a terrible fit. Two years later I tried a different one. But maybe I wasn’t ready. Three years later I joined and stuck to good group and it took me two yrs to feel at home.
Find your community. You'll get recommendations on how to cope or at least a measure of strength from being in a unique group of admirable people.
I am going to assume she has dementia.
She does not know what she is doing.
She is not going to change, she is not going to get better.
the only way for you to not get frustrated is to change your expectations.
I do hope that your sibling has been reported for financial elder abuse. (do not know if this is a full sibling or a half sibling, but the theft needs to be reported and restitution needs to be made) And she needs to be protected from further abuse.