I found this site from searching the above questions. I read a forum post that related an eerily similar story to our own.
I have mental health problems, diabetes, and high cholesterol.
I am an OIF and OEF Navy Vet.
My gf and I met 5 years ago and the first 3 years were awesome. She is 15 years older than I am. She started going through menopause 3-4 years ago and it has killed the intamcy of our relationship. 2 years ago she ended up having a medical emergency that ended up with 5 surgeries & ultimately an ileostomy bag. I had already been caretaking for her due to obesity and her being unable to do a lot of things for herself. At the time she was still able to do small chores around the house in small spurts.
Now, she is unable to do anything for herself. I get her drinks, food, help her with restroom stuff, showers, emptying and changing her ileostomy. On top of all the other responsibilities in the house.
I am unable to leave the house for more than 2 hours, due to needing to empty her bag, or forbid, a bag leak. It has happened in the past. She gets mad at me. Her mental health problems and trust issues from past relationships works her up and we end up in yelling matches just from me wanting to go to the grocery store. On top of those yelling matches, we also fight at times while changing her bag, happened today because I was at the shelf getting more cloths to catch any leakage and she leaked while I was away. She had just had a shower and felt I was away and took too long and started yelling at me that I was at fault and I should do better. I tried to keep my cool, but I lost it and she ended up crying and having end of life thoughts and statements.
Due to her ileostomy she has tried to end her life in front of me, ending up in the hospital for a little over a week. Each time we have a fight I am afraid of a repeat.
Tonight I ended up talking to a suicide hotline for over an hour because I wanted to end everything. I am safe now. I do have mental health problems and the stress is very triggering. It has always been for me, and as much as I hate it, it is ultimately my strongest weakness. I thought about going to the hospital, but who would take care of my gf?
We have no support system. I had one friend who would have helped, but my gf and her got into a fight over a month ago and stopped being friends. The friend had actually stopped helping us at all over a year ago when my gf yelled at her during a bag change.
She doesn't want to go to assisted living because she views it as a place people go to die.
When we have talked about it she also feeds me guilt trips about not seeing her dogs again, us having to end our relationship if she goes, them taking all her SSI to pay for the housing and care, and being unable to play her favorite games online.
I feel trapped. On one hand I love her and I want to care for her. However, I feel like my youth is wasting away. I love to be outdoors and going places, eating out, seeing a movie, taking long walks, the average dating profile worth of hobbies, etc. With our current situation I am unable to. I can't plan to visit family or friends.
I feel guilty for feeling this way. My grandfather took care of my grandmother till he passed away. I feel like if I can't live up to my grandfathers standards then I failed as a man and my responsibilities to our relationship.
Also, with the virus happening and all the drama happening at nursing homes I am afraid of sending her there to die of getting the virus.
How does one quit being a caretaker if the patient doesn't want to go?
How does one deal with the guilt of quitting being a caretaker?
Am I alone in this situation? (I know I read another similar story, but are there more?)
How can I take care of myself if I am barely allowed to, or unable to go to the hospital? (I need to have minor surgery, but am unable to go because the wound has a high percentage of opening if I sit.)
Thank you.
I was raised by a mother who used the threat of suicide as a tool to 'keep us in line'. ALL her issues were OUR respnsibility, not hers. She'd threaten to off herself every time things went 'wrong' and they frequently do. Didn't help that her PCP fed into this weirdness--telling her (so she said) that we kids were to source of her pain and anger and inability to function.
Too me 30 years to call her out on it and she hasn't used it on me since.
Sadly, that, along with abuse by an older sibling left me pretty screwed up. I left home at age 20 and really didn't go back. There was no fixing her.
Staying with someone who threatens you with ending their life is cheap and extrememly tacky, to put it mildly.
If you want, you can care from her from afar, so to speak. This is no kind of life.
Glad you found some friends. You need support, big time.
While it's nice she is occasionally appreciative--talk is cheap. You still fight every day--right? That's no way to live for anyone.
In Oz, there is a thing about dealing with disfunctional Aboriginal desert people - you're either a mercenary, a missionary, or a misfit. Being a latter-day missionary (aka rescuer) isn't likely to be much more successful than the originals.
Obviously, you were attracted to her. You were happy for the first three years. You said that the relationship changed when she entered menopause. Menopause effects everyone individually. I am sorry that your relationship changed. Maybe there are underlying issues besides menopause that triggered her behavior and menopause just magnified her emotions.
You felt an obligation to stay with your girlfriend regardless of how things changed. You compared yourself to your grandfather. I adored my grandfather, so I understand your admiration for your grandfather. I hope you realize that your grandparents had a long term commitment. You haven’t been with this woman for the majority of your life like your grandfather was with your grandmother.
No one should live in misery. You are no longer happy in your current situation, which is completely understandable. I have always found it was best for people to move on with their lives separately when a relationship wasn’t working. What’s the point of staying in a relationship if issues cannot be resolved?
You have been extremely generous to your girlfriend. Does she ever show any appreciation? It sounds like she expects an awful lot from you. She has taken you for granted and is taking all of her frustrations out on you. You deserve a break from time to time. Her demands and rotten attitude are just too much for anyone to handle.
I am not saying that she doesn’t have a right to be unhappy or frustrated in her situation. She clearly needs mental and physical help.
Have you reached out to a social worker to see what help is available for someone in her situation? This will help each of you. You will feel better knowing that you have done what you could to help her become settled into life without depending on you. It may help calm her fears if she sees a viable plan of action that she can follow. She may not like it but that’s okay. She will have no choice but to adjust to living without you.
Please know that even in the best of relationships, caregivers burn out and let go of the huge responsibilities. Sometimes people feel that they are strong for holding on. The real test of strength is being able to let go when needed.
I certainly feel sorry for anyone who is in so much pain that they feel their only way out is suicide. I have lost family members and a couple of close friends to suicide so I feel your pain in not wanting to see her become a tragic statistic. If she does try suicide, call 911 immediately and hopefully, she will receive the help that she desperately needs.
Wishing you peace during this challenging situation. Take care.
It is okay to just be friends just realize it is not just her or you...it simply did not work.
If you think there is some of that in there, it may help you to deal with the present situation with very little ‘guilt’.
There is no reason to have guilt if you are walking away from abuse.
If you are walking away to a place where you can be cared for and get the help you need.
Yes, Radar, excellent idea to bring in daily help (not you) paid for by SSI/Medicaid.
You can ask for more hours (doctor's orders), or, give up some of the hours they pay you. Call her social worker right away.
Your girlfriend requires more caregiving (nursing care) than you are able to provide. But that does not mean you have to send her away, if you can get more help coming in. The doctor can order physical therapy to come in also. she can lose weight.
Draw a line at changing the bag, since this is a source of her upset and her abusing you.
If you are going to cook for her, require her to come to the dinner table.
The plan could be to take care of yourself, get the surgery. Apply for in-home help also for yourself. Her bipolar behaviors may improve with others present in the home. And maybe an adjustment on medications?
You are not alone, your relationship has many challenges. Start with taking her to the doctor, all her doctors.
Times like this happen in any relationship. With these added challenges, you have unintentionally forfeited your rights, yourself, and allowed abuse due to her anger (and yours). If you are done forever and cannot see your way clear to manage a peaceful home after taking a huge break, then be truthful and just separate.
You do need a break, so take one. Stay with family, or have her stay with family. Separate your sleeping areas, even if you have to sleep in the living room. (Temporary). Give your girlfriend a schedule of when you will be out, and when you will return. If she cannot be left alone for more than 2 hours, schedule an aide to come in after the two hours. Keep to your schedule to help her with security and abandonment issues. Can you try that? See your doctor now, or phone.
You can slowly do your research about moving her to a place where she can get care and moving yourself to place where YOU can care for YOURSELF.
Being a vet should be a great hekp if you go through the VA.
She's really bringing you down--and you've done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.
Stand up for yourself, OK? And no guilt, you've done more than you could ever be required to do.
ANd be prepared for the anger that she will throw your way. Cause she will.
Good Luck!
You say you're a retired Navy vet. Start running a tighter ship then.
You do not have to tolerate verbal abuse from your girlfriend. Nor do you have to give up your life and the things you enjoy doing to become a slave to her care needs.
Your girlfriend needs more than one caregiver. So hire some. If she gives you a hard time about it or refuses them, tell her straight.
Either she accepts and works with the help or the two of you will no longer be living together. Insist that she comply with getting some mental help by going to therapy. More times than not in a situation like yours a little tough love goes a long way.
There was a poster in this group some time ago who gave the best advice I ever heard.
"Enabling is disabling".
Force her to do for herself in any way she can. Even if it's the smallest of things like washing herself. Or folding the laundry. Or staying by herself (if she's set up with what she needs) for a few hours because you're going out.
Let some of your military training kick in now and be strong.
Don't humor her. Don't enable her tirades either. When she threatens to kill herself, call an ambulance. Tell the paramedics that she's doing that and let them take her away.
I know it seems harsh to treat someone you love this way, but it's not. It's for her own good. She's quickly becoming an invalid who will have to be in a nursing home if she doesn't start trying to do for herself a little.
Are you disabling her? Lots of people live with a bag and can still do for themselves. I read that a stoma is used and its fitted so there are no leaks. So why is hers leaking? And from what I have read, I would cut way down on what I ate.
Your friend needs help that not too many people could give. Especially with her mental problems. She needs to be someplace she can get care. An AL is not the place. She probably needs to be in a Skilled Nursing facility. For no other reason to help her get her weight down. Teach her how to do for herself. It may not be a permanent thing if she does the work. She is already on Medicaid, right?
You may need to take baby steps. I would first get her evaluated by a physical therapist explaining she needs help learning how to care for herself. A doctor can order this. Call your Office of Aging and see how they can help. Look into Medicaid in home care. If she is already getting Medicaid her caseworker maybe able to help. If not getting Medicaid call anyway. Even a few hours a day will give you some relief.
Is her ileostomy permanent? Or will she be able to get it reversed. If you are not sure, I would call the surgeon who performed the procedure and ask. May not tell you because of HIPPA but worth a try. She is still seeing a doctor for the ileostomy? Next appt go with her and get permission to talk to the doctor and ask the question. If she is not willing to be evaluated or allow you to talk with her doctor, then ur being used.
A good relationship goes two ways. A person who even verbally abuses you is considered an abuser. You are probably going to need to evict her. And I bet she doesn't go willingly. I would talk Social Services and she what they can do for her if by SSI you mean supplimental income and not Social Security Disability. With SSI they will help with housing. With SSI she should be getting Medicaid and all that goes with it. She can get food stamps.
Now for you. You do not need this stress. For one, you are a Vet and as u say she sets off triggers. Two, you are diabetic. Stress is not good. Because we love someone does not mean we can live with them. I may approach this as that the relationship is not working and you can no longer care for her. You need a "life" and you don't have it with her. She is too co-dependant on you and she doesn't need to be. Tell her you help all you can to get her to be independent. The evaluation I suggested and some OP to help her deal with her ileostomy. Help get her a place to live, even helping her get set up. Xfinity offers WiFi to those who are on assistance. There needs to be a timeline set. There is help out there, just have to know where to look.
One thing that hasn't been mentioned. If she even hints about suicide, you call 911 and tell them that she is a danger to herself and she needs help. This will get her taken to the hospital for observation (aka Baker act). At that point you contact the hospital and tell them that you can NO LONGER SAFELY CARE for her and her being sent back to your house is an unsafe discharge. Repeat as required.
That she uses that to keep you in her control, well, it shows you just how sick her mind really is and how low she is willing to stoop to manipulate you. It is a hot button for me and I think that she should just get it done if that is her true intentions. However, people that use it to control others don't mean it and they only go there to be manipulative and it is the most hateful thing that a human can do to another.
I am sure that she is scared, who wouldn't be. This is the consequences of her long term choices and only she can do something to improve her future.
You are not a doormat, so stand up and do what you need to do to have a healthy future, she needs to go and get healthy for herself and that means that you have to totally disconnect for her to see that she is all that is standing between her and a different future then she is currently facing.
Sometimes love has to make really hard decisions and walk away.
You work with the Social Worker in the discharge planning department to get her a placement. You tell them "I can no longer care for her in MY home".
She has lost weight since her surgery. I am a great cook and having my own health issues, we generally eat healthy foods.
I feel this situation is volitial. I do feel trapped. I own this home and my name is the only one on the mortgage. With the moratorium on evictions by the US govt till the end of June with the possibility of it being extended I am unsure of my legal rights. Or I would get up and walk out the door.
On top of the eviction problem I don't understand my rights as a care giver on top of my rights and what i see as a maze of legal issues when it comes to care giver and patient rights and (elder abuse ? I cant think of the proper words to use)
I am paid through SSI to care take for her. I have thought about seeking of they can send someone over to take my place. However it would only be for 3 and a half hours each day. A break is a break though.
I do agree were pretty toxic. We're both bipolar and it feeds against each other. Often if one of us is depressed or manic it feeds into the other becoming depressed or manic.
Im going to seek out help from the hotlinas and her case manager.
Its good to hear im not alone and I'm also sad this seems to be a slightly common problem.
I do take responsibility in my culpability in these issues. I am going to start working at changing.
Thank you. I will keep an eye on this question and hopefully post more here as events update.
No one can live in good health if they're living in a dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship.
This doesn't mean that the relationship cannot become a healthy one if both people are willing to be accountable for their actions and behaviors and willing to work hard to change themselves.
People also have to be honest with each other, even if it's painful to be. It's not fair to either person if one is staying in the relationship out of guilt, or the other because they need a caregiver. No one benefits from this.
If both of you want to stay together, then you should. There has to be a lot of accountability and hard changes though.
If one of you doesn't want to stay in it, the kindest thing to do is to leave before anger, resentment and hate show up.
And they will show up. These three take away all the good memories and the love the two people had for each other.
They leave only bitter disappointment and despair in their place.
You have mentioned GUILT. It is one of my favorite subjects here as so many people use that word, when it is honestly the wrong "G word". Words matter. They form well trodden paths through our brains that we repeat to ourselves over and over again, causing pain and damage. You are not guilty. Guilt belong to felons who do great harm and take joy in the results. You are grieving. You are grieving the loss of someone you hoped would be a companion but has turned out to be a 24/7 burden with no bright side for you, and quite honestly no give and take relationship. You are a (unpaid?) 24/7 caregiver.
It is time now for placement of your girlfriend, and for you to remain a friend to her (which is all you are at this point other than a caregiver). There is no other fix it to this situation. The word you always wanted was GRIEF. And there is a good deal of grief in this. Allow yourself to feel it. It is not anyone's fault. You can't change it. You can visit your friend, be a comfort to her. But you have a right to your own life. It is not required that we human beings become Saints. It is required that we understand we are human beings with our own limitations. We aren't sacrificial lambs upon an altar.
Please get help so you can comb through a way to move forward with your own life while still remaining a support to your friend.
I wish you the very best of luck. The choices must be yours. You will need help and support in making them.
I'm going to sit down and have a good think about the word grief. I believe you hit the nail head-on with the advice and I need to re evaluate my feelings.
Im going to get in touch with her case manager and keep this post updated.
Your grandfather cared for your grandmother not because he was a "man," but because he was married to your grandmother and no doubt she'd cared for him over the years, too. My dad devotedly cared for my mother until he died because, as he put it, she had a lot of credit built up.
Your girlfriend has used up her credit, as she's abusive and doesn't care enough about her own health to be the best partner for you. You are not required to be her rescuer, nor can you fix someone who won't fix themselves.
The two of you are a matched set of enablers, and only you can break the destructive cycle. You care enough about yourself to make changes for the better -- she doesn't -- so be strong and do it. A real man doesn't perpetuate a destructive situation.
Your girlfriend takes, so you continue to give.
Your girlfriend has attempted suicide - in front of you - and now you're suicidal yourself.
Surely, you must see that this relationship is poisoning both of you.
Everyone is entitled to the occasional pity party. Everyone is entitled to a day of thinking "I just can't do this anymore". But when those days become more often than others, when you begin to rely on anyone and everyone else for the things you should and could be doing for yourself, it's time for an intervention.
My husband has a myriad of health issue, the most serious being an autoimmune that is attacking the protective sheath around his nerves. His feet are a mess; he has pain in his hands. He has times where he pities himself. Times when the fear of the future and what it holds for both of us sneaks up on him and causes him distress. BUT - he doesn't give into it. He makes himself get up every morning to swim. Makes himself do the work around the house that he can do - mow the grass, help in the garden, help with the housework, etc. - because he is of the mindset "use it or lose it". In many instances, it would be easier for both of us if I just did the stuff, or if we hired it out. But, as hard as it is for me to watch him struggle, I will give him his independence, fully understanding that while it might be physically easier, it will be mentally crippling for him to not do things on his own.
My friend, your girlfriend needs far and away more help than you can give her, starting with some serious mental health counseling. Yes, her circumstances suck. She's still a relatively young woman who is now facing these issues for the remaining portion of her life. However, it is HER choice whether or not to spend that remaining time in misery or not. She has the right to make that choice for herself, but she DOES NOT have the right to make that choice for you. Don't allow her to do that. Either she seeks help for her issues, and starts to do the things that you know she can do, or you leave her to her own devices. Because, clearly the situation as it exists at this very moment is destructive to you both.
Good luck.
But sometimes the care needs just simply outweigh what one person can do.
Not just physically DO but to allow them to also live a fullfilling life, with friends, fun, outdoor activities, sport, hobbies, holidays even. This leads to burnout, & worse.
There hopefully is an Area of Aging or Disability Support Service to assist finding what services are available to your GF. I would even start with a Lifeline or Crises Line for contacts. Some sort of Case Manager may be useful to help co-ordinate more care. To lighten your load. This could be in home or AL.
Some people with disabilities spend regular time (maybe 2 weeks, 4x year) in respite to allow family/partner a real break. This allows the care recipient to build trust in staff & other carers & may allow the family/partner to continue. Or it can be used as a transition into care.
Things to mention/think about;
* Is it reasonable that all tasks are done you & only you?
* Is it reasonable that you do not have a needed operation because your GF is fearful of change?
Your needs matter too.
She is a YOUNG OBESE TOTALLY DYSFUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING who cannot and WILL NOT save herself until (slim chance) SHE DECIDES that she will stop consuming foods that PERPETUATE HER ILLNESS.
Is it a fair assumption that she REQUIRES YOU to purchase and prepare and serve her what she eats that keeps her totally dependent on you? Can you see that it is SHE that should be “guilty” enough to make small changes to help YOU?
Entrapping another human being to become your personal servant USED TO BE ILLEGAL in the country I live in, and hopefully, it still is. Morbid and super-morbid obesity are old acquaintances of mine, and I do know something about the psychological mechanics of obesity management.
If you want to assess the pathological nature of her dependence on you, tell her calmly that you are going to start taking good care of yourself, and that you will (temporarily?) be taking good care of her as well, SO you will be purchasing and serving ONLY the foods on her MEDICALLY PRESCRIBED EATING PLAN (she has one, right?) and NOTHING ELSE.
Then put on your noise canceling ear protection AND DO IT. .
KNOW THIS- she is willing to use her accumulated mass to control you. No human being is somehow entitled to do this. You have sacrificed for her, but if she is not willing to HELP HERSELF by doing something that would potentially HELP YOU, (sacrificing foods that are making herself) your guilt is meaningless as well as misplaced.
You are worth the care you need to GIVE YOURSELF. TODAY, do what is best for yourself, to make your life healthier and happier. If you can’t save both of you, SAVE YOURSELF. You deserve doing so.
Please keep posting here and let us know how you are.
You are being destroyed by this situation And So Is She.
The sacrifices - huge, unsustainable sacrifices - that you are making are not helping her. In the years you have devoted to her, her condition and situation have become worse and not better.
Get advice from your own support services - are you in touch with some? - about how to do it in an orderly way, and then get out as soon as you can.