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My mom is 69 and has been living with me, my husband and our family the past five years because she could no longer afford her house. She still works full time. My husband has an opportunity to relocate his position and move us to Rehoboth Beach in DE, where the taxes are far below what we are paying now. My mom would have to retire if we moved since we’re moving out of state, but she told me she still has to pay for her car and still has work to do so. I am feeling so guilty about all of this. My brother and SIL told me beforehand that we do what we need to do and she’ll have to decide and find a new place if she doesn’t come with us. Well, it’s been so hard for her to find a new place that’s decent and affordable. Please help me because I am torn. I feel awful for even thinking of leaving her behind, and if I have to actually do it, I can’t imagine the feelings I’ll have! I don’t know what is right or wrong. My brother will still be here for her but it’s not the same as your daughter. She really has no one else besides her sister here and her work buddies.

Care Decisions Moving Multi-generational Living

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Listen to your brother. And if he's local, why do you say she has no one else besides her sister and her work buddies? Don't fall into the "it's not the same as your daughter" way of thinking. That's how daughters get saddled with eldercare, while often the brothers get away with doing nothing.

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What if she were to sell the car, get out from under the payment and perhaps get something that has little or no payment?

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Your mother has made choices throughout her life. She works; she has a car and should be able to arrange to live, either with a roommate or in income based housing that she can afford.

Your mother's life is not yours to compensate for.

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Hmm.....sell the car. And if she still wants the independence of working, I'm sure there are jobs in Delaware. Please don't feel guilty over her choices. I'm 69 and would not want my children to feel guilty or responsible for any of my decisions. She's apparently healthy, of sound mind and has your brother nearby. Live your life and visit with her as often as possible should she choose to stay in place.

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You make your choices and let Mom make hers. She's not a child. She's not helpless. Don't let her choices become your responsibility. Your mother has her son, sister, and work buddies. That's more than a lot of people have. And, given that she's healthy, at least healthy enough to work full time, what more does she need?

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Curious...does your mother pay anything to live with you? I'm also curious -- do you think your mother is (maybe not so!) subtly telling you not to move because she still has to work to pay for her car?

This sounds like a great time to make the break from her by moving and letting her take responsibility for herself.

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Yes, she does pay us rent, $600 per month. She has also bought us some things around the house to help out too, which has been helpful. I do wonder if she is trying to persuade me not to move as well. That has definitely crossed my mind. She is not fond of DE and when I initially brought it up to her, she immediately put fear into me about her fear of evacuation plans down there since we would be about 20 minutes from the beach. This morning, she also asked me who would watch the kids if we want to go out if there is no family down there with us. These are all reasonable questions, but she has a tendency to not allow me to figure these things out myself. It seems she wants me to doubt my choices. This seems to be a pattern with her. I do want to add that our relationship has not been the greatest, especially since she moved in. We butt heads constantly and fight which really has not been good for my family dynamic here and my kids.. but I do love her.

(1)

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Make the break now and mitigate the damage she can do to your life. An elderly mother will be nothing but a drain on your future. I have seen it time and time again - myself and several friends. Run now while the gettin is good!

BTW, I first joined this forum about 7-8 years ago and I was shocked at the sarcasm and negativity of some posters. But here I am all these years later - each year my situation getting worse with no end in sight. So now, I am the nasty, sarcastic poster! My mom was in her late 60s when she suddenly "gave up" on life, declaring she was old and done. She has tried to suck the life out of me ever since. My mom was previously super-cool and I never saw this coming. If I would have known, I would have run the h*ll away. Please go and leave her behind.

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Upstream, I completely sympathize with you!!

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If she has been living with you for five years she should have been able to save some money. That should get her set up in an apartment

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Peace, there does come a time where when we get older that we do not like living alone. I am in my 70's, and any time my sig other is away on a trip, I feel very uncomfortable.... which is strange because when I was in my late 40's and 50's I lived by myself with no trouble at all. Age decline can change the way we think.

Have your Mom check with the County/City council on Aging to see if there are women looking for a Golden Girl situation. Or if your Mom has friends that are older who might want to try this living arrangement out. Maybe someone owns a house that has now become too big to handle on her own, and room-mates would work out.

It is great that your Mom is still working full-time. It helps to keep one's mind alert.

Let us know what happens.

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Is your Mom a widow or divorced.

At 69 she should be collecting SS. At 69, she can make as much as she wants. Delaware does have cheaper taxes but housing cost more. Especially near the shore points. I live in NJ right across the River from DE.

Mom needs to look into 55 and up apartments for low income. There r Senior apts ran by HUDD. The one where I live is pretty nice. They take 30% of ur income. Your responsible for electric and TV.

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She is divorced. She’s been divorced for a long time. She is collecting SS but she told me it’s only like $900/month so far. That along with her pay check should be enough for her, but she has poor spending habits so that doesn’t help.

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Update: She is seemingly very angry at me for this situation. I mentioned that she can sell her car if she’d like to come with us and she basically laughed in my face (thank you all for the suggestion. I thought it was a good idea). No idea why she had to buy a brand new CRV in her situation anyway. (Tried talking her out of that.) She’s also talking down about the location we are thinking about moving to as well to make me feel bad about all of it. It’s just wrong. If I had a daughter (i have two sons), I couldn’t imagine putting this strain on her and her family. I’d be doing everything I could to get out, saving all of my money to get my own place. I could only imagine these are her defenses in high gear.

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Run run run run run run run

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You are in a really hard spot. But I think you know what you want to do. As someone here stated "you make your choice and your mom will make hers."

I always thought that my mother and I had a decent relationship, but after I moved back home man was I in for a shock!!

Look you and your mom already bump heads and hate to say it, but it will get worst the older and more care she will need. If I had to do it all over again, I would be living in another state! I found out the hard way we can not live for our parents!

You have gotten some great ideas here go with it. And remember if the time comes you can always move mom closer to you it is not like your moving to the moon!

Don't stop living your life because it is inconvenient for your mom. Yes, easier said than done!

As for guilt let that go too! You should not feel guilty because hubby has a great opportunity. You are not doing anything wrong! That is what guilt implys that you are doing something wrong.

It is ok for you to want something more--better!

Sorry if I sound harsh. I don't mean too!

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Honey, the fact that your mother makes poor money choices is so NOT your problem.

A car is a depreciating asset. A depreciating asset should not be bought with borrowed money. Go to Bogleheads.org to get on the path to a good financial future.

Send your mom to Dave Ramsey to straighten out her poor money management.

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Barb, you always have such good, sensible advice!! You get to the heart of a problem and give solutions with compassion and even tough love.

Good for you!

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I would tell my mom that as of mm/dd/year I am moving.

She is trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants, regardless of how this effects you and your family. That is just a rotten thing for a parent to do.

I am going to say that I think that she should feel guilty for imposing on you and your family for the last 5 years, she should be ashamed of herself for trying to manipulate you into staying some place just for her and her choices, bad choices at that.

She can't find a place good enough for the right amount of money, what, you live where you can afford to and make it your home by decorating and cleaning and improving things you can. She needs to grow up and let you spread your wings.

You sound excited about moving and you are letting her ruin a great adventure for you and your family, but since she has been allowed to ruin the peace of your home for 5 years by butting heads with you, she feels entitled and empowered. Time to become the mistress of your home and the master of your dreams.

Time to show your children what a happy, peaceful home life looks like. Leave mom where she wants to be and let her throw a tantrum, doesn't obligate you to accommodate her.

I would encourage her to buy an RV trailer that she can tow behind her crv and she can live wherever she wants.

Sorry if I sound harsh, it makes me crazy when parents suck the life out of their children and use whatever tactics they feel will help them get their own way. Children get disciplined for doing those kinds of stunts, why should we feel like we have to accept it from our parents. We don't have to, we can love them and help them without being their scratching post.

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Please don’t apologize. I agree with you 100 percent.

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If you WANT your mom to move with you, and that's a big if,, there are plenty of jobs in retail in that area.. outlets, etc that are open year round. So she could still work to afford that sweet new SUV! Why does she need to retire? And if she is living with you why can't she watch the kiddos once in awhile? It does sound like she is trying to guilt you into staying where you are. Do what is best for you and your family.. so very many people would love to be able to live at the beach!

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Some really good responses here. When I have difficult decisions like this to make, I sit down and look at the two alternative realities. First, what if I and my family move - then write down all the pros and cons. Second, what if we don't move. Again, all the pros and cons.

It seems (from where I'm standing) that not moving means not only sacrificing something exciting for you, it's your entire family's forward progress sacrificed to one person's preferences and unwillingness to be a team player. You wonder how you'll handle the feelings you have if you "leave her behind" - what about the feelings about not moving and losing an opportunity on behalf of your whole family?

Maybe once you see that laid out in your pro-con list, you'll be able to see the path more clearly and be firmer about the decision within yourself. It may not help her feel better, but that's not in your control anyway; every one of us chooses how we handle change in our lives.

Also, why do you see it as you're leaving her behind? How about she's choosing to STAY behind?

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Your mom is and was WAY too young to move in with you to begin with, and now YOU are feeling guilty about moving away for a better life? Do it, and don't look back. Your mother needs to pull on her big girl panties and suck it up. It's high time she fend for herself because there is no reason on earth NOT to!
Best of luck on your new adventure...its exciting!

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If anyone told me they were moving to Rehobeth Beach I know I would be on board. It’s very nice there.

You can’t forgo your well thought out plans to move to a state with a better tax rate for which your family will reap that benefit while also being better for your family overall by being able to save that money.

It is a tough situation,but you have given your mother a choice to join you. It’s her choice now.

You stay the course & be strong. Hard to do at times but your plan is a good one.

I would give her enough notice to find another place to live but no longer than maybe 3-4 months. Then at that point you move and either she comes with you or makes other arrangements for housing.

As mentioned, there is plenty of work in that area due to the shopping outlets and gambling. Mom can find somewhere to work.

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I say do it and don't wait!! Do what's best for your family, now and for the long term. If retirement will ever be on the horizon one day for you and/or your husband, an area with a low cost of living- especially housing and related property taxes- is a must! Your mom can find plenty of opportunities for work in Rehoboth, even if it's just seasonal. How cool would that be, to have a summer job at the beach? :) Don't let her coerce you into making a decision that you will regret.
That's where I am at- all my life I have been edged into "staying close" as an only child and I am completely miserable in Baltimore. The traffic alone here is soul-killing. Now that my mom is probably going to need to move out of her home, we are totally priced out of the market here for what we want and need. We should have moved out from this area a long time ago. Now she will have to move with us more than likely down south which is not going to be a smooth transition for her. However, we must do what's best for us and it actually will be good for her too when it's all said and done.
Long story short, our parents do not like and are resistant to change. Once your mom is on board and the move happens, she will get used to it. The main thing is she will be with her family and if she gets out and about will find new friends and opportunities! I wish you all the best.

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Sorry - you're thinking of asking your husband to pass up an attractive work and relocation opportunity because your mother has to keep up her car payments?

Isn't that what it boils down to?

Your mother has a choice. She can give up work and let the car go and move with you; or she can sit tight, in a town where she has a job and a social circle and your brother and... a life. A proper grown up's life. It is difficult to find nice, affordable places for single people - boy, do I know! - but no more so for her than for anyone else. Keep looking, is all.

She would be crazy to come with you. But you would be crazier to stay behind for her. She doesn't need you to do that.

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I see it as more than about the car. It is sounding to me like her Mom is living with them and becoming increasingly more dependent on them. And it will hurt to get on with her own life, will be hard. But I sure wouldn't give up the one and only life I have because of it. And I would hate to think my daughter would give up her life for me. Basically I think we see it the same way.

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Your mother is only 69, and by today's standards that is not old at all. Do know that she could well live another 30 years. Will you then decide to give up your own life for what she feels works best for her? I think that your mother should be in charge of her own life, doing her own work, paying off her own bills, finding her own independent living space, and finding her own friends. I am 76. I would dearly hate to think that I was going to impact such a decision for my daughter, 56, living several states away from me. I need to be independent while I am able. I think, were you to be able to, and if you ENJOY your mother living with you, it would be lovely if you were able eventually get a place where she could live in an inlaw apartment, build a small add on, whatever, that in time she may need. But I do not understand giving up your own life now for what you feel your mother needs. I would seek out a licensed social worker who deals with life change issues, and spend a few hours speaking with that person on this issue. Will you feel some guilt and worry? Of COURSE you will. My daughter worries about me. I worry about her. We feel guilty when we cannot drop everything and take care of one another in a time of need. It is the "American way", guilt, as far as I can see. My brother was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor which affects his balance, benign tho it is, and with probably early Lewy's Bodies Dementia. He has moved to assisted living in a town he has chosen to stay in which is 450 miles from me. Do I feel guilty that I cannot care for him in my own home? Sure I do, but hon, it would be the death of us BOTH, hee hee. And we both know it. I don't mean to treat this lightly, but your Mom has lots more life to live, and YOU--you have REALLY got lots more life to live. To answer the question? I would move. And I would do it as carefully and gently as I am able, but I would not hesitate in my decision, because honestly that only makes it more difficult and hard for your Mom. Don't expect her to be happy ab out it. There are times in life that there isn't anything to be happy about. She will miss you and she is becoming increasingly dependent on you. So grief about that is entirely to be expected and accepted. You will miss her and feel you are letting her down. That hurts. Hurt is to be expected, accepted, and cried about. But it doesn't change the facts. I am wishing you so much luck and I hope you will keep us posted.

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Please don't make the same mistake I made. I started a similar situation when I was in my thirties and my mom was in her fifties. Lots of reasons...financial, her insecurities, my dad being absent most of the time...and to make a long story short....I am still in the same situation except worse because she is in her 80's now and even more dependant because of health issues. I have sacrificed moves, vacations, time with my husband and too many other things to count and it only caused her to become more dependant and me more resentful. Don't let this happen to you. You could end up with a resentful husband or worse ...no husband... because of not putting your family first. It sounds like your mother still has a support system (which mine never had) and you should take advantage of that and GO!!! And she will manage her life. Maybe it won't be the way she wants it, but it will end up being the best for both of you.

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Great advice!

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I am 85, I remarried at 65. I was having sex and enjoying the heck out of it until hubby's Alzheimer's caught up with us a couple of years ago. Your mother is way too young to live with you. With her living with you, neither she nor you can make love on the kitchen floor or the front room couch. (giggle).

What would she do if you got killed in an auto accident today? She would find a way to work it out. She is a big girl and can make her own choices. Your love for her is not an excuse for her to manipulate you to doing what SHE wants to do

You married your husband, even the Bible says "That is why a man (or woman) will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife(husband) and they will become one flesh". You belong with your husband, not your mother. What would this do to your marriage if you stayed?

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MaryKathleen - You made me laugh today. Thanks. Agree with everything you said here.

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Go, Go, Go. you can visit, don't make her stop working at this time. She has other people around. As long as you and your husband are on good sturdy ground, move. Mom will be ok, and if you find yourself with some extra money, send her a bit to help out.

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DB Collins I sure do hope you will come back and tell us what your decision is, and I sure do wish you the very best of life, and hope that you will make a wonderful change for yourself and your family. Scary and hard, it will still be all yours, and full of rewards.

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suggest that she get an rv trailer to live in. I’m turning 61 on July 1st I have been living in my toy hauler rv for the past 6 and a half years now... I bought it used it was 2 years old. I paid 40,000 for it It’s pretty romey. It has 3 slide outs. It’s more like a small apartment than like a trlr. I still work full time in the oil fields .... I raised my Daughter on my own sence she was 9 years old. She went into nursing right out of high school and she is a lvn. Her job is in a rehab hospital / old folks home she is a single parent..... her husband was abusive.... anyway I’m not going to expect her to have to take care of me... in fact I’m saving money right now so I can buy a few acres in az to put a house on ..

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Believe it's time for mom to live on her own because you need to do this move to Delaware. Perhaps she can find a room to rent with bathroom facility, of course.

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Rehoboth Beach is one of my favorite places on the east coast. Any chance you could find a place there with in-law quarters for Mom? I am guessing she could easily find a nice job there and continue to work. My former husband and I were in the same position. We had a chance to move to upstate New York, where we loved the area and his Dad had a cabin in the Adirondacks...but I was the sole child responsible for keeping an eye on my aging (independent) Mom. Brother was AOL since he was 21 years old. I did not want my mom to be lonely without family and winters would have been too cold for her in NY. So we stayed where we were, near Mom, and my husband was miserable for years in a job he hated. We eventually divorced and were too far into the separation when he told me about his depression and why he was always so angry. It was a hard choice to make...stay here with Mom or move to where we love. Rehoboth is a far cry from upstate NY. Lots to do there and beautiful beaches. Maybe if you can take Mom with you, everyone would benefit. If she is very attached to her work and friends there, then she would have to fend for herself with the support of your brother and SIL, at least until she retires. I hope things work out for all of you.

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