What to do when your parent gets extremely violent?
At my wit's end, again. I have tried and tried and really feel I have nothing left. Mom has been at Rehab for several weeks now, I have gone down this road several times in the last several years trying to get her healthy and strong. Yesterday she beat the *&^% out of me and a CNA, this is the 3 rd time in 3 weeks she has done this to me...suprising how strong they are with rages! All because she threw her glasses in the trash and I pulled them out, it set her off in a terror! I have had her see pyschatrists in the past they have put her on meds-anti depressants. For her refusal to cooperate and general behavior issues.I have tried reaching her current DR before she went in who apparently went out of practice w/o telling anyone. I have an appt today with the Rehab's Dr. and as I was making the appt the director of nursing stated she has been hitting /slapping everyone. They want her out.... as the last 3 CNA's that worked with her quit. I don't know what to do....I want the best for her...healthy , happy she just doesn't want it for herself. I am advocating the best possible care for someone who doesn't want it and now is violent and plain nasty and mean.....I don't want her "drugged up" that defeats the purpose of trying to get her walking/transferring/excercising to save her legs.. She just wants to lay in bed 24/7 and have people care for her 24/7 in bed. I can not get through to her. It is an issue with her legs not getting blood flow properly, I prevented amputation last year and she was stented but the surgeon said she HAS to excerise! I have a week or so more at the rehab if they don't kick her out first, I don't know what to do.I don't want her in a NH plus I can not pay the price of $10,000+ a month and there is a wait list of one year. If she would try an ALF/memeory care would be possible but she has to be a one person assist.I guess how do I motivate her, want her to WANT a better life?If she had a knife yesterday I have absoutlely no doubt she would have stabbed me or shot me if she had a gun, I almost called the police it was so bad.I am afraid to bring her home now, but again she must 1 person assist in a ALF. I want to run away I am tired of crying every night and wishing she would try, see the light....I felt I was going to have a Heart Attack dealing with this yesterday...I have no family, so it is just me. She told the last psychatrist to "F off".....so I don't feel it is going to help but I will try again. I tried to put her in a short term mental health program at the hospital but she must agree to the help and she won't! She knows how to "play the game" when she wants something and I have tried everything in my power, given up marriage, all my retirement ... I have nothing left..on top of that I have back surgery tomorrow-from carrying her when she refuses to walk or use a walker or lift chair...so I am afraid what will happen when I am not there. I don't want her to hurt anyone, it is not fair to the staff who are just trying to help her! BTW she has never been caring...no i love you, thank you anything in my entire life, never once told my dad she loved him so I think this is a deep seated issue-she drank and did pills until I took over her care.....so I think she self medicated for 40 years....so maybe she hates me for that... I don't know.I can handle the verbal abuse-sort of- but this physical abuse is totally diffrent, I have left bleeding and bruised.Has anyone had a situation that was rectified by any meds or any other means to try to turn this around???Or is this the rest of my life? Which honestly I can't do anymore! HELP! Thank you all, you have been so supportive in the past, but now I am scared!BTW I do see a pyschologist myself to try to figure this out and try to cope but you can't get much resolved in 15 minute sessions and they really have no answers but meds.!
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Psychiatric meds in the correct dosage do not "drug up" they calm the agitation of a demented or mentally ill brain.
Do you have a formal responsibility to your mother, power of attorney or guardianship? I ask because I want to know how straightforward it would be for you to take yourself out of the picture. Easy, no, of course not; but I don't see what else you can do.
Why not discuss the best way to prevent your mother's mental turmoil with her doctor. If her GP won't do that, consult with a geriatric psychiatrist.
It sounds like she is very miserable and while she doesn't recall what she does in her outbrusts, it's no less frightening to her when it's happening. Has she been admitted to a psychiatric hospital in order to have her medication established or adjusted? That would be my top priority. She can't have any peace with the way she's going .
Dementia is not a moral issue. She's not being aggressive or mean as a way to hurt you. She's not lazy, cruel or cunning. Her brain is not working properly and she can't help it. Don't punish her or yourself, because it's not anyone's fault.
With dementia, the patient isn't capable of thinking about long term plans, cost/benefit of physical therapy, no pain no gain philosophy, etc. These are tasks the dementia patient can't comprehend. They are often not successful in physical therapy from what I have seen first hand. But, perhaps if she were to have her medication adjusted, she might be more inclined to participate in the right setting with professionals.
Since you have been so affected by your mom's behavior, perhaps you could allow someone else take the duties for awhile. Is that possible? It is very exhausting and can take a toil on you mentally and physically.
I wish you and your mom the best. Please post as to how you are both doing.
What is my inaction?Not leaving her in a SNF.Yes, I know alot because I have had to. Met with specialists, doctors,taken classes, tried different meds as suggested,music therapy, animal therapy-if you read the post-she has been on meds for years for depression. I am going by what the professionals tell me,and when that doesn't work I find another one that maybe is better more up to speed on current technology.. I have tried everything and more than I have ever been asked or learned more than I ever wanted to know...why because she is my mom! I assume they will dope her up because they said so and I see it daily when I walk through the SNF to rehab and they are parked at the nurse station drooling and screaming out so they chemically "restrain" them as they like to say.....I am sure you know about that, if you don't talk to any nurse who works on a ward at a SNF.....not what I want for her. Sunny girl as stated in my reply she has been seeing geratric specialists and as stated the point was to get her to a new one since her last one disappeared and her GP can not locate her.There is no one but me. The way it worked out so yes i would love a break but there have been so many issues with her care I have to advocate for her.But thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes!The new Psychatrist "forgot" to see her last week, I have her scheduled again for tomorrow so hopefully that will help. They also just admitted tonight that they have not had her on one of her anti depressants since she arrived there several weeks ago, though it was in her chart that she took it.....this is what I mean....This is after I met with the D.O.N and D. O admin to make sure they had all they needed from her previous GP/hospital while in rehab and gave them copies..everything slips through the cracks.....so I will hopefully meet with the new doctor tomorrow and get it straightened out for once and for all(for now).....but this very well could have been why she was acting out so badly but of course the facilty did not tell me this until they were pressed.So if this new dr is good and cares and sees a person and not a shell......and will get her on the proper meds to calm her down, when she is calm she will do therapy and can do therapy she just must be bribed with a ice cream, a walk outside,a trip to the beauty parlor, a new lotion or perfume and I am more than happy to oblige that if it keeps her healthy for as long as possibe! It is difficult with a multi diagnosis with anyone.....I guess my original question/hope was had someone else expierenced this and come out on the positive side without the staff saying they would chemically restrain them?????? I have had such great luck here and thought I had helped many and they helped me but some of you are down right mean and self rightous and please read the entire post before answering something that was already stated.......makes life easier all the way around then you know your suggestion was already done. Good night and peace and love to the kind hearted people!
You seem to be basing a lot of your inaction on what you "know".
"Chemical restraint" to me means medicating a person so that they are not a danger to themselves or others. I guess the alternative would be an in-patient psychiatric facility to gets her stabilized on meds.
What concerned me about your post (and what led me to ask such a provocative question) is that you talk about your mom as though there is volition involved. She's got dementia. Her poor brain is broke beyond repair. There is nothing she can do to stop being violent. To quote Jeanne Gibbs, this is not her fault, nor yours.
I'm sorry if I offended you.
I understand the frustration of the falling through the cracks phenomenon. Months of toil right there, getting someone to pay proper attention.
But just hold on a bit. I do understand. You're chasing your tail in ever-decreasing circles just trying to get someone to see her as a person. That's awful, and I don't blame you for feeling frantic about it. On the other hand, the part where you ask how you make her want to get better… well, now. I understand why you want to make her. But you know the answer to this, don't you? You can't. It can't be done. You are not failing to achieve something, because it isn't possible.
So from that perspective, one reason why people might be dragging their feet and standing around with their thumbs up their you-know-whats is that they have given up. Which on one level is absolutely unacceptable, but on another may be - just may - resistance to getting involved in a hopeless cause. And the more you push, the more they'll roll their eyes and whisper about your expecting miracles.
So, aim smaller. Tomorrow's appointment, let's hope a) that it happens (your turn to eye-roll) and b) that your mother is more moderate in her language. Oh boy, the number of times I've wished I could tell someone to eff off! I can't resist a surreptitious 'good for her' about that, forgive me.
"Come out the positive side." Just to dwell on that for a moment, what would that look like? Be careful with how much you're hoping for. It isn't that I'd be any happier than you to see my mother doped into submission, of course not. But it may be that the anger, the acting out, are new and/or worsening symptoms. There may not *be* any really good answers. Be fair to yourself about how much you can achieve, I suppose I mean. Focus on modest, reasonable expectations, one at a time. I hope tomorrow is useful, please let us know how it goes.