What can I do if mom keeps calling me at work?

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What can I do if mom keeps calling me at work?

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I work 6 days a week and she calls me asking questions that can wait. I told her I am working and she gets mad and hangs up. Asking me every day when I will be finished. It is very annoying. Trying to get someone to come in and help out. So far no luck. She asks me what is for dinner at 8 am. I have no idea and I have stomach problems, so sometimes I don't want to eat. Seems like she is thinking about her stomach 24/7. What can I do?

Burnout Relationships Working Caregiver

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As a caregiver, I often felt like much of the job was to remind the person that their family member was working and to wait until the end of the business day to call them. Maybe post your work hours near the phone with "only in emergencies during these hours" as a reminder. And let it go to voicemail, play the voicemails several lowkey times throughout the day to check if it's really an emergency.

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You may try making appointments to talk with your mother; then make a written note with the appointment times on it as well as a polite reminder you are at work and can only discuss non-emergency items during your appointments.

My mother's MCI started out with some short term memory problems and then led to phone calls and visits during my working hours. I saw this at the time as her stress relief from caring for my dad with vascular dementia but I now view it as also the MCI having some impact. Mom's MCI left her cognitive thinking skills and reading intact so a reminder post by the phone was very useful. I worked from home and started having her come down for lunch (she lived across the street).

This worked for several years for us and it might work for you for some period of time. If your LO has dementia that impacts their ability to read or reason, then this may not work at all or only work for a time. I think this behavior is more about your LO's anxiety and needing reassurance than any "brat" tendencies. It's possible your LO would also benefit from some anti-anxiety medication.

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She just wants your attention all the time. She’s like a child now so you have to lay down the boundaries firmly, not in an irritated way. She wants to push your buttons so DON’T let her. She’s lonely or board so she controls you by continually calling you. She loves it because it engages you with her and the more irritated you get the more she gets out of it. She thrives on it. Lay down the rules! Tell her you cannot answer or take her calls at work. BLOCK her calls during the day and stick to it. You have to be firm or you will literally suffer your own demise from being eaten alive by her. Don’t you dare feel guilty for being firm. When she forgets, and she will, tell her again. Don’t let her throw on the “MY SON” routine to pull up some guilt because without Mom you wouldn’t be here bit. That’s one that gets used endlessly to rope you back into her clutches. Be firm but not angry (sometimes a very fine line). Be consistent. Don’t let her see you break. Make a schedule at home and post it where she can see it for reminders. Schedule time away from her everyday, even after work and away trips but WITHOUT her. Don’t allow for calls on the trip either, block if you have to… you know it will go to voicemail, check when you want. Show her you are in control and it is NOT all about her, don’t tell her this, just show it. Of course, this is all said knowing she is being taken care of while you’re gone.
You came to the right sight! It’s encouraging to know that others go through a lot of the same exact, almost word for word situations. This is how we learn.
My husband and I are going through the same thing with his mother. It’s exhausting to say the very least.
May God grant us all unending peace while experiencing these mind bending, strength zapping behaviors of our love ones’ contractions while on this finite earth. Hopefully to a better place to experience happiness beyond belief with our Lord and Savior for all eternity.

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BurntCaregiver has put out a lot of terrific, albeit, blunt advice. I very much appreciate the comments.
Is your Mom safe to be home alone? You know if she can be.
I only call my Mom once a day, evening time. She yells. I do not & will not live with her (NPD + Borderline + Early Onset/former Alcoholic + Manic). I do not pick up the addt'l times she calls. I see if the voice to text is of anything important. It never is. Rambling. I do not have the bandwidth to deal with them. I have career + grown Kids in town..
If possible, elderly should/should have majored on developing/maintaining friendships & hobbies thru the years. Get to know your neighbors. Be kind. Learn to assimilate. Take up gardening. Purge a pile or drawer or closet. Respect that your grown Kids and their Kids deserve to live. Accept the help & make a plan yrs in advance for assistance in home or away, if you can afford to. My Mom can afford to but refuses to accept back in her old cleaning gal or an errand gal part time. For now.

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collegemom65: Providing your phone has this option, place the setting on 'focus,' which will enable you to continue to work and not be interrupted by your mom's phone calls. For mealtime, set up a delivery service, such as Hello Fresh or any other app like Door Dash for restaurant delivery. Your mother really should be placed in a managed care facility as your profile states that she suffers from dementia.

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While you're turning off your phone, please think about ordering delivered meals
( I just saw a commercial for one called, "Hello," but I'm sure you'll find more if you do a search).

Sounds like Mom needs companionship in addition to food (as we all do). There are options that free you up:

1. Call Visiting Angels and get a companion who likes to cook (very different than someone who is coerced into cooking). Perhaps getting a pet would bring her joy.

2. Place mom in Independent or Assisted living where prepare meals and compel residents to eat together so that they have the companionship they needs. When mom is full and connected to other humans, you won't be the center of her attention.

3. Give mom a time when you can be reached or when you will call her.

4. Make an appointment for yourself with a Gastroenterologist.

5. Please consider working 4-5 days a week and start enjoying your life before it is over..................take some time to meditate and medicate your intestinal tract.

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@Sarah3, you wrote: “I didn’t see anywhere she mentions dementia(?)”

The poster collegemom65 specifies her mother’s dementia in her online profile as follows:

“I am caring for my mother Edwina, who is 86 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, parkinson's disease, sleep disorder, urinary tract infection, and vision problems.”

It is really useful to access posters’ profiles as they often give additional information we need in order to give a thoughtful recommendation. How to access? Here’s how:

At top of collegemom65’s post you will see a big blue colored circle which says C in her case since her name starts with C (my name circle says B since my user name starts with B, and your big circle is an S since your user name starts with S).

Tap on the big colored circle, or on the user name as you wish, either works, and this will bring up the poster’s profile (if the poster filled out a profile when making a User Name.)

Her profile then has a blue-colored hotlink for the word mother. By tapping that link it brought up collegemom65’s mother’s array of problems.

Hope that helps!

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Set up a menu for meals for your mom for a week, if you don’t feel like eating fine. Still make mom whats on the schedule. If mom is mobile put a white board or poster on the refrigerator showing what time you get off work and when you will be home, plus what time if you can call to check up on her. Then Ignore the calls. At lunch time call mom to check in.
if you can set up a camera so if she does call, you can check the camera to make sure she is up and about.

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Is adult daycare still around? My MIL enjoyed it, and it seemed helpful. Sounds like she is bored. I would also use caller id or an answering machine to screen her calls, and call her at a usual time once during the day. Also, do you know her neighbors? If there is a Mom at home, even with a small child, you might pay her a reasonable amount to spend an hour a two a day with her. In fact, often the children are well received by the elderly. Or the neighbor's dog if children aren't home, if your Mom likes dogs. She does sound terribly bored and maybe a bit confused. Just making sure you are really out there perhaps?

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setting a boundary is the go to response, it’s not complicated and you
dont have to think of ways to keep her entertained as some might suggest. Simply set a firm boundary let her know she is not allowed to call you at work, it’s your place of employment and that is not allowed but you’ll give her one call during a break when you can.

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Elderly mom has dementia and is lonely - she needs companionship. Reach out to church groups, local senior centers, friends, etc. to hire someone a few hours a day (on Mom's dime). In the meantime, write a timetable up listing the times during the day that you will call her. Tell her to write down her questions and she can ask them during your call. In this way, maybe you can control the amount of contact.

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I didn’t see anywhere she mentions dementia(?) If she does have dementia that’s mild she can still be reminded it’s her daughters place of work and calls aren’t allowed. If she has severe dementia she should have someone already with her. I don’t see any mention of it either way included in this post

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Seems like if there were someone there to occupy her time she wouldn't focus so much on you.

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You need to earn money and cannot do that if your mother constantly interrupts you. I think make arrangements or place her in a facility. Her money and likely Medicaid pays for her care.

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Do you have caller ID at work, and can you not answer your phone when she calls you at work? Or only answer when you are on a break? It sounds like she may be showing early signs of dementia and should have a caregiver - it's a difficult time right now to find caregivers with staff shortages everywhere. Get connected with a local social worker who can help explain your mother's and your options. She may be eligible for some in-home care through Medicare/Medicaid. Look for changes of behavior that are a danger to her, such as wandering and getting lost, leaving the stove turned on, not handling sharp objects appropriately, etc. With a full-time job, you need to have a plan for a time when she can't live independently and her care may become too much for you. You can also discuss this with a local social worker. Much will depend on her finances. One option would be placing her in an assisted living/memory care/skilled nursing facility. The advantage of a good facility is that they have skilled staff, a case manager who you can discuss things with, they take care of meals, housekeeping, laundry, etc. (depending on the level of care). If you go this route, try to find one near you so that you can visit often and oversee her care, take her out for doctor appointments and excursions as long as she's capable, etc. While your mother is still capable of signing legal documents, make sure that her paperwork is in order. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, have a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets. All adults should do this. If you haven't done it for yourself, you could present it to her as something you both need to do, and do it at the same time. You may need an attorney to help with these legal papers. The social worker can also advise on this, if needed. All the best to you and your Mom.

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I know you probably don't want to, but if u can't find help Mom should be placed. If she has money Memory care if not Medicaid in a nice LTC facility with no access to a phone.

You are not going to get Mom to stop calling even if she gets an aide. She no longer understands that you need to work. All she knows is she is home alone and you should be there. I would put my phone on do not disturb, no calls at all. If a receptionist puts calls thru, ask her/him to tell Mom your busy in a meeting.

To be honest, your Mom should not be alone. I know, your trying and there is a shortage of aides.

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collegemom65, was your Mom a stay at home Mom, or did she have a career outside of the house? That in its self can make a world of difference, and explain why she keeps calling you at work.

My own Mom thought all women should stay home and have babies. It use to irritate her seeing female sportcasters on TV "what do they know about sports?" was her all time complaint when watching football. Same with women running for political office, etc. Also felt the same about women who were doctors, refused to go to one as men doctors are a lot smarter. YIKES!!

Thus, my own Mom just couldn't understand why I had a full-time career. I should be home cleaning the house, planning meals, doing laundry, ironing, etc. My Dad, on the other hand, thought differently.

Since your Mom lives with you, there is the adult/child dynamics. Mom has once again taken the role of the adult, and you have the role as the child. We are still kids in their eyes, and what do we know.

Your Mom feels you have been at work that day long enough, similar as to being out with your friends after school... time to come home. Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult to change the thinking of a parent. Not to mention one who has dementia.

I understand you need to take her calls in case there is an emergency, so blocking her calls isn't good at this point in time. Blocking would be good if your Mom had a caregiver at home with her, the caregiver could call you on her own phone if needed.

Contact your local counsel on aging to see if they any ideas.

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Mom needs reassurance & company. So she will keep calling.

As time goes by, without constant answers from someone, she will either sit & fret or possibly go out wandering in search of company (that will depend on her mobility, personality & outside access).

I'd keep working on getting her some daytime company. Either in-home aides or she goes to adult day care.

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glad,

I did read the OP's profile. She says that she gives her daughter rides. She does not complain about the rides and her post is not about the rides.
The post is about her mother's incessant phone calls to her at work and ridiculous questions like what's for dinner at 8 am. Then the tantrums and hanging up if she tells her she can't talk while at work.
This is the problem she is writing and asking about.

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Is mom home by herself?
Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia.
If she is by herself she shouldn't be. There should be a caregiver or companion there to keep her company, keep her occupied and keep her safe.
People with dementia have "safe people", ones that they KNOW are there for them, ones that they can rely on. You are her safe person and when you are not there she gets anxious.
People with dementia have little concept of time so she "knows" you are there for breakfast and dinner so she is relating meal time with your presence.
You can tell her that you can no longer take her calls at work. But you can call her when you get some free time. She may not retain that for long.
If you can call her on your lunch break you could set an alarm at home for mom that will indicate when you will probably call.
But getting her engaged with someone or something is the safest way to deal with this. Look for Adult Day Programs in your area. Look into getting a companion or caregiver depending on the level of care that she needs. This will be the safest thing to do.

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AND you should not be the one to pay for the caregiver/companion!

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Agreeing with not taking her calls and setting up an aid at home asap. Does she still drive? Is there any concern that she will leave the house during the day?

If I were in your situation, I'd get a daytime aid asap or hire a neighbor to keep watch on her until you get a more permanent solution in place. Would your daughter be willing to fill in the gap while you seek a solution? I wish you all the best as you work to help her.

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Stop taking her calls. Let them go to voicemail. Block your voicemail so she can't leave messages.
You say you're working on getting your mother a caregiver/companion. I hope that happens soon. How about getting her placed in AL or a managed care facility?
It's only going to get worse for you the longer she lives with you. Please consider placement for the sake of your own sanity.

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Set the phone on silent. Block her number through the day so she can't leave voice mail and you won't be tempted to listen to them.

Mom has dementia? She may be progressed enough to not be alone ever. And according to your profile, you are shuttling your daughter around which also causes to feelings of being overwhelmed. This daughter just be in her 40's, without a working car, and you have to transport her? Boundaries! She is old enough to figure her transportation out without involving you.

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glad,

Giving the daughter rides is not what the post is about. You don't know how many rides she gives or how often. That's not what's causing her overwhelming problems.
Her senior-brat mother calling her all day long while she's at work to ask what's for dinner then having a tantrum when told she's at work is what's overwhelming her.
Then after working all day returning home to then cope with the needs and demands of an elderly toddler until bedtime.
Repeat day after day. This is likely what's overwhelming her and where those boundaries need to be set.

What can I do if mom keeps calling me at work?

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