My mom is seeming to be in denial of the fact that she can no longer remember all the important details of her life. Do I just go with it? Do I try to convince her and bring her in to the present moment? It's kind of tiring having conversations again and again, as many of us know. And then there are times she seems to be somewhat aware of what's going on and that things are slipping through her fingers and yet she wants to know about everything but has a hard time accepting it all when I tell her. Confusing.
My mother agreed to move into the home of my sister who was just retiring, but then she balked at the last minute. Another sister took Mom aside. "You know, Mom, Sis and BIL are having a harder time paying their mortgage now that they both are retired. They have been thinking about renting out their lower level. You would be doing them a huge favor if you could move in." And she went on to list the benefits, not the least of which is my sister's excellent cooking!
This helped Mom think of the move in a whole new way, and got her through the transition period. She stayed with Sis for 14 months, until her care needs increased. She is now thriving in a nursing home (Age 96, dementia.)
The "they need financial help" message was a total fabrication, by the way. But Mom did pay the same rent she'd been paying for her subsidized apartment. I think all adults should have the dignity of paying their own way. Not necessarily at full market value, but at a reasonable level they can afford.
I guess my point is, if there is some way you make the move more palatable to Mom, do it, even if it means lying through your teeth!
We slowly took over her finances, first giving her a personal checking account with only a little money in it, and getting her to sign signature cards putting my sister and me on her checking and savings accounts. I changed the addresses on all her bills and had them sent to me and I paid everything for her. It was a slow transition but it was a good thing because she began to lose her reasoning ability very quickly. She seemed happy having her little checking account and would go over it hour after hour, of course never able to balance it and sometimes writing 2-3 checks to the hairdresser (who would return them to us). You cannot argue with a dementia patient, nor can you convince them they are forgetting or doing anything wrong. Just go along with her and change the subject, distract her, because hours of argument will ensue, only to be repeated the same thing the next day.
I need guidance and help I don't know what to do, I don't want to hurt her or send her into a depressed state by having her move in with us. Thank you for any help you can offer. Sad daughter
Do you have a list of things that you personally know about her ability to care for herself? If not, I'd take the day to spend with her to make sure you can inspect what is going on inside her home, such as is there spoiled food in the fridge, unpaid bills, dirty linens and clothes, utilities turned off, insurance canceled. That's a biggie. If she is an unsafe driver and her insurance has lapsed, it could be a tragedy. I would confirm her insurance is paid up. I might talk to neighbors too, to see what they have noticed. My cousin was doing odd things in the neighborhood.
Once you get that information, I would continue to try to get her to the doctor, by saying it's required by social security or whatever, but I would take that info with me to an Elder Law attorney to see what is required in that jurisdiction to file for guardianship. At least you'll know if you have enough evidence, based on what you have seen.
You can also report the situation to Adult Protective services and they will investigate.
If you don't think she should be driving, I would contact DMV in her state and see if there is a provision to report an elderly, unsafe driver. Some allow that be done in confidence. They will require her to come in for a test. Maybe that can resolve it.
I'm not sure what else you can do. Perhaps, you'll get more info here. My loved one resisted care at first, but she would see a doctor and the doctor and I convinced her to enter Assisted Living.
Maybe see if you can figure out what sound her brain is turning into "someone in the yard". For my Gma it was voices in the hallway, outside the window or from the apt downstairs that would turn into "someone in the house", which would turn into the 70-yr old caregivers "secret Marine fiance" (who was hiding under her bed of course, or maybe in her closet...). Would have been so much funnier if it hadn't been so aggravating.
We went through a lot million-question-marathons of argument/denial at the beginning until I learned how to answer once then postpone the discussion. I chose not to lie (I'm bad at it, don't want to, & he's a human lie detector). I did learn to answer once, then answer with "maybe" to a lot of stuff rather than arguing. The hardest thing for me was not to try to "fix" the dementia by correcting the mistake. I realized this is what I was doing -- I somehow thought if I could just CONVINCE HIM of the truth he would be OK...not rational on my part, but there you are.
The "follow their reality" thing IS hard, and dementia isn't across the board - sometimes they know "our" reality, sometimes not, sometimes they have the sneaking suspicion that something is wrong from reading social cues from others ( like kids ---"Mom's mad...does she know about the vase?"). Especially aggravating is that once a "wrong" idea is in place it is IMPOSSIBLE to dislodge (no matter how unlikely/impossible/etc), while the "right" ideas seem to slip away like they are teflon....for us logic-based personalities it is crazy-making!
So...explain things patiently, and sympathetically. Be consistant, it IS a test. Early dementia patients KNOW something is wrong, and often their memory can be better than they let on. In our best discussion I spent a lot of time explaining (simply) that what his brain was doing was normal (even the denial), and that his brain was trying to protect him (which made sense to him). I found it helped both of us if we talked about his brain in the 3rd person, the same way you might talk about kidney disease or your liver, rather than referring to "him", as it helped make it a bit more clinical and not accusatory. He had studied human thought, philosophy, etc, as a hobby in the past, so that helped. We even discussed that the hallucinations might be his subconscious' way of communicating to him. Am I SURE what's going on in his synapsis? No, but it's as good an explanation as any, made sense to him, comforted him and made him less afraid of them.
Whatever it takes, STOP HER FROM DRIVING. Backing into a friend's car was bad enough. What if she'd backed into a neighbor's child? Contact DMV to get her license revoked. Remove the car from the premises, take the keys away -- yes, she'll be furious and her anger is likely to last a long time. But it has to be done. No more driving. This means other means of transportation must be arranged. Her not driving is certainly not something you'd do for your own convenience but you must do it for public safety.
If your mother has dementia she will have it the rest of her life, and it will progress. Waiting a few weeks for a formal diagnosis, aggravating as it is, won't change anything. In addition to the paperwork geewiz suggested, you might use some of this time to read up on dementia. Odd behavior is really much easier to deal with when you can put it in context and understand how it fits the disease.
Best wishes to you on this bumpy caregiving road!
Your descriptions sounds like early stages to me (though I am far from trained in this area). Use this time to make sure all the proper paperwork is completed. POA, medical authority, someone's name on accounts, etc. My Mom was demonstrating "cognitive impairment" at the beginning of 2011. By June, she would have been considered unable to sign papers. I just made it through with paperwork at the bank that has made things 1,000 times easier.
Make sure there isn't a medical reason (UTI or thyroid issue) or drug interaction before you just accept the behavior.