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Looking for guidance on how to interact with my brother around caring for our parents. Today he said he thought my parents were safer living together in a building with an elevator than separately. My Dad has stairs and had a couple falls. However they have a history of domestic violence so I don't agree that it's safe for them to live together. My brother wants to go to therapy with me to discuss elder care and I feel hurt that we can't just communicate directly.

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Whoever is the PoA for your parents is the one that gets to make the decision on where they should live that will keep them the safest. If you father is a fall risk and your mother is a victim of abuse, they should go to separate ALs. But only if there's a PoA and only if one or both of your parents agree to move.

Who is their PoA? If they don't have one, and your parents don't agree to move anywhere, then you won't need to have any conversation about this with your brother since you cannot get an uncooperative parent to do something they refuse to do.

Can you provide more information so we can give you more appropriate suggestions?
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Yeah, there can be conflicting opinions amongst siblings! Being an only child has its advantages! I didn’t always agree with my siblings either. I feel for you and hope that your issues will get resolved soon.
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There's no PoA but I think my dad may be headed that way. That makes sense that there isn't really anything to be done if neither of us has that authority. I'm estranged from my father because of being an abuse survivor and I'm trying to come to a workable set of boundaries to have contact with my mom. Problem is my brother goes out of town and emergency stuff falls on me and I break my own boundaries.
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Beatty Mar 17, 2024
"Problem is my brother goes out of town and emergency stuff falls on me and I break my own boundaries".

Yes. That is hard.
This can be explored to find the specific problem points & then have suggestions for those if you'd like.

Eg When other carers were unavailable to rush over, I would be asked to. It took me quite a while to realise it didn't so much FALL on me as I STEPPED forward into it's path. It took me much time to learn to keep a safe distance. To DODGE.
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Who is POA here? Because with a separation and the history of violence it is plain SILLY to think they could live together.
However, if bro is POA you may not have a lot to say about it.

I would happily go to a mediator if he is POA, but not counseling. And if I were POA I would tell him his idea is silly.

There is no reason to communicate.
What is important now is what your parents want until they are not competent in their own decisions, and when they are INcompetent, who is POA. Nothing else needs discussing with someone with an idea that bad.

If bro would like to go to counseling then I think he SHOULD and should discuss with a counselor the advisability of putting parents with a history of domestic abuse back together on your says so.
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Put simply, if no POA, then Mom & Dad are still rowing their own canoe.

Let them all row where they wish.

What's up ahead in your part of the river? 🏞🛶😊
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Where are they living now? How old are they. I would not put them together since there has been domestic violence in the past.

Therapy may be a good thing. It gives you a nonpartisan person to bounce things off of. I would be surprised if a therapist would think that ur parents living together was a good idea. What do ur parents think? I bet Dad thinks its a good idea because Mom can take care of him.
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