Should little children be visiting a hospitalized patient? And how do we explain his condition to them?
Hello !
Maybe as you know it my daddy is at the hospital because he has pneumonia.
Since he has been there (3-4 days) his condition has evolved in a good way. He regained some weight and even if Dad stays on a drip and with a breathing mask he should be able to take them off in two short weeks, which is still pretty positive.
Now it is true that he is still very weak, his face is very tired, he has a really pale complexion. And he gets tired very quickly, he told me several times of his desire to see the children, who I recall are 2 and 4 years old. Also the older one has asked to see him too and the small one often ask where his grandfather is and say he misses him.
It seems obvious to me that all three have a great desire to see each other. The hospital allows visits from the children as long as they are calm (which they are), but what I fear is their reaction to the sight of my daddy's physical condition and especially with all the machines. Even when explaining to them, I don't really know what I could say to them to prepare for this terrible shock which would hurt all three of them, especially my dad. I need your opinion.
Do you already think that it is wise to bring the children to him, who so want to see him and who would bring him so much joy and innocence ? And then how to explain to the children his condition who might be a little shocked ?
Sorry if I misunderstood what you said but you used the pronouns « they » for the older children and there is only one because they are two.
Thanks for your answer 😊
Mary 🪴
The 2 year old might not understand that, so that would be a concern. If you do bring them, make it a short visit.
OTOH, since he is improving, it might be more helpful in the long run to wait until that improvement has taken place.
Perhaps next time you go for a visit, take a picture of your dad in his bed with whatever he has on him, and then you can show it to your children ahead of time to gage their reaction. That should give you an idea on whether to proceed with the kids visit or not, and will prepare them for what grandpa looks like now.
I think it will do them all good(especially your dad in his healing process)to be able to see each other. And you may have to show them the picture(s) more than once so they are not shocked. Best wishes.
He can't breathe well now so they have a mask on him to make sure he gets enough oxygen.
He can't drink a lot now or eat a lot now so they are making sure he has enough energy by putting it in a vein in his arm, they can give him medicine that way also.
He is real tired so we will go visit just for a little while.
If you are frightened at all let me know and we can go down the hall to a quiet area. Hospitals have lots of strange noises, and some people make noises.
If you can take a picture of Grandpa so they know what he looks like with all the "stuff" attached to him. Depending on how much they grasp it may not even look like Grandpa.
The important thing is let them be the guide as to how much they want, how long they want to stay. You might even want to bring coloring book, colored pencils or crayons, let them bring their tablets/pads if they have one and if all they want to do is sit and play a game let them. Trust me they are watching and listening.
Can you Facetime or Zoom?
Just as an example, when my son (now 36) was 7, he needed a CAT scan. We explained up and down and six ways to Tuesday what it was about. He had had xrays, so we thought he understood. He was 7, and very bright. And as we crossed the threshold to the imaging facility, he grasped my hand and looked up at me and asked, "mom, when do the cats cone out?".
Your children will NOT understand what they are seeing and will be frightened.
When I was that age or younger, there was a problem with the car, and my father told me we needed to go see Mr. Wolf to get it fixed. I was afraid to go, so my father explained "No, I didn't mean that he IS a wolf--it's just that his NAME is Wolf!" That assured me that I wasn't going to be gobbled up--like the first two little pigs!
The younger girl (age about 17 at the time) was better, but still preferred to send him cards or talk to him on the phone. A hospital visit would have sent these two over the edge.
I have 14 grands. When I lost all my hair, due to chemo and couldn't stand to wear that itchy wig, I simply wore a hat and scarf and kept their visits very short. Some handled it very well, others would cry the entire time. Age seemed to have nothing to do with their ability to look at me. My own HUSBAND couldn't bear to look at my bald head. I had to cover it up around HIM.
Seeing someone you love, sick and miserable, and not falling apart yourself, is a skill that some people never master.
A 2 and 4 yo? Well, they won't be allowed in the hospital, so that's a no brainer. The older kids? Well, they can probably go in, but most hospitals limit the # of visitors to 2 at any time.
Sadly, as much as this IS about dad, it's also about the children and their respective abilities to handle seeing someone they love sick and in a hospital.
Whatever you do, do not force the kids to see gpa. Let them call, send cards, do a ZOOM visit--but absolutely NO guilting them into going in person.
I am deeply sorry you have to endure cancer and for your dad… hope you are going better now.
Actually hospital allowed calm children even if they are under 6. And of course I will never force them. They asked it even after I warned them about my dad’s condition so I think they really want too. But yes calling him or sending card is a good alternative if it’s too hard. I have taken some pictures of him and I will show them to them so they can realize if they are ready or not to visit him (at least the oldest).
I am sure the “reality” of the hospital was less frightening than the imagination of this 10 year olds mind.
And having a dying mom is a world away from having a decling grandpa...
Gma1954, I am so sorry you endured the loss of your mom at such an early and critical age.
One option that has been popular throughout the pandemic is visiting by video chat, and that might be a better option for everyone.
But as Grandpa has asked to see them, IF they can be made to sit quietly for 5 mins - do that. A QUICK visit. He probably just wants to see their faces. (No-one usually wants squirmy kids jumping on their beds 😉)
My daughter (10ish) was always a polite visitor, but told us years later it freaked her out & now she will never go willingingly to any health place. My son just tried to tamper with bed brakes, walking frames, push anything with wheels & ask awkward questions about toileting.
It really depends on the family I think.
My children are very quit usually. Even at home the oldest can color and draw calmly for hours, and the youngest is very calm too. That’s a gift from children of this age I suppose 😉. But yes IF they visit him it will be short.
My dad had surgery at 65 and was in the hospital for five days. When he came home, he looked so awful that I said to my husband, "I know what he's going to look like when he's dead."
He didn't die for another 23 years, but I was spot-on.
I am so sorry for your loss. What’s hard is that all your answers or confort me in the way that they could see him but also that’s not a could idea so I am quite lost. But yes you are probably right too… he doesn’t realize I think…
He’s accustomed to hospitals (from birth) and had no qualms about being there, and most of the residents and THE STAFF, enjoyed seeing him in his tiny wheelchair.
Every situation is unique. If a child is the slightest bit frightened or anxious, I don’t think a visit should EVER be FORCED.
If the child or the resident (either of them) REQUEST a visit, a picture of the resident should be showed to the child first, and the child should be told that the doctors/caregivers are doing things that will keep LO SAFE and COMFORTABLE.
If EITHER the childOR the resident does NOT want an in person visit, photos, FaceTime, or videos are a possible option.
My grandfather died in a hospital when I was 10. I LONGED to see him, and I guess to “protect” me and because the hospital was more than an hour away, my parents never took me. The memory is still pretty fresh, after 65 years.
If you know the child and you know the resident, decide based on what works best for everyone concerned. No more than 10-15 minutes in any situation. But those 10 minutes CAN mean a lot for both.
It wasn't your parents' decision, I'm quite sure.
You know your children. You pretty much know how they will react. Sometimes they take things in stride as long as someone is not making a big thing out of it. For my oldest I kept her from saying goodbye to someone she loved.
My mom was at home to die and had oxygen on. She was still responsive. I went to help my dad care for her for those final days. My son who was 6 at the time came for a couple of days. He went to her bedside and said goodnight but wouldn't hug her. I could see the hurt in her eyes. As I put him to bed I told him I noticed he hadn't and I'd never make him hug anyone if he didn't want to, but wondered why he hadn't. "I didn't like that green thing in Grandma's nose". It was the oxygen tubing. Shame on me, (nurse) not having explained it to him ahead of time. After I did, he spontaneously jumped out of bed, ran down to her room, up on her bed to give her a big hug goodnight.
My son was part of the whole process. I took him to the cemetery where she was to be buried next to my older brother and told him what the service and burial would be like and that yes, even 8 year olds die. He grew up to become a funeral director. The head of the program said that kids who did not grow up in the family business but chose to become a funeral director, did so due to a good experience around death and dying.
Kids learn to handle life by watching how we experience the good and challenging. When we shield them from everything, they don't have the skills to deal with emotional challenges themselves later in life. With your support and understanding, use that to decide.
Trust your instincts. With good explanations, many kiddos can handle situations many adults cannot.
Gear the "explanations" to their age level - keep it simple. They don't need to understand HOW the mask or tubing works, just that it is to help grandpa, so that he can get better and come home!
I do think a video with him "talking" to the kids, greeting them, telling them how much he misses them and wishes to see them could help. A video chat might be even better, where they can actually see and hear each other, and they can be encouraged to ask questions. Observing their reactions will be the deciding factor.
In your prep try to stay away from what you think might be scary and over explaining things through your adult eyes just give them the basics in a positive upbeat way and be willing to answer any questions any time. You may find this was a bigger cloud to you than it was to them. They just miss their grandfather and want to see him and the longer they can’t the scarier it is.
You are so fortunate to have a hospital that allows this!
They should already know some of the limitations, since the PD was existing before the hospital stay. It's mainly the "strange" place and the mask and tubing that might be a little intimidating, but if it's all presented as a way to help grandpa, and get him back home again, keeping it very simple, it can actually help. If nothing else, they will likely be exposed to other situations in life later, so if they can "handle" this, it won't be as scary later. Video and/or video chat to allow a first "virtual" visit, allowing questions, comments, anything they say, even if it might seem a little "rude" - kids will be kids! If it doesn't bother them, the next step is a visit in person!
As noted in another comment, although the "mask" grandpa is wearing is different, we've all been wearing masks for over a year. They should be somewhat accustomed to this. Grandpa's mask is just to protect him and help him too. Simple explanations work best with kids of those ages.
You can explain his current health problem to the children rather easily. Ask them to run around at home until they are breathing hard. Have them stop and try to sing a song. It should be difficult until they catch their breath. Explain that grandfather is sick and it makes him feel like it is hard to breathe and talk at the same time (similar to them running around and getting out of breath). Explain that he is in the hospital to get medicine and treatments to make him better. Explain that since he is older and very sick, it will take awhile from him to be well enough for him to come see them. He would really like for them to go see him because he misses them.
Expect about a 15-20 minute visit with a representative from the hospital to explain all the machines and things before entering grandfather's room.
You could explain before hand about all the machines.
If you make light of it the children will be just fine.
They'll be curious and just tell them they can ask any question they want.
You might even take a picture of him in the Hospital bed with all the machines and let the kids see the pic beforehand.
The kids will follow your lead, if you act all anxious. sad, ect then they will too, they'll take their que from you.
Thanks for your answer.
At this age, children can be very pragmatic. During these years they are learning about death and illness. They take ideas like "this chicken I am eating used to be a live chicken." in their stride, sometimes better than someone coming to the idea as at an older age.
Explain to them that there are lots of machines that help Granddad feel better. These machines make lots of different noises that show they are working just like a dishwasher makes noises that shows it is working. (Don't go into detail with the machines, they will only get confused.) Tell them beforehand whether they will be allowed to sit on the bed with Granddad. If they can get on the bed with Granddad, they and their grandfather will be comforted by the contact. They might notice a 'boo boo' where the IV goes into his hand. They should be gentle with it. The floor has lots of germs, so they cannot play on the floor or pick things off the floor. If you are OK with it, they can each have one examination-glove balloon. Keep the visit short so Granddad can have a nap and get well faster.
It's had as an adult to see someone you love and really care about hooked up to machines and barely hanging onto life. Years ago, here at least, you had to be 14 years of age to visit someone in the hospital, they told me 13 was too young and I couldn't go in. Experts now agree, everyone was wrong back then, I hear the news my grandma was taken by ambulance then my parents show me where she's buried in the cemetery with a big gap between here and there and no closure.
I don't feel children should be forced to do what they are not ready for, but if you explain their grandfather's condition, that he's really sick and needs rest, It can be very good for your father to see his grandkids and it will help them understand whats going on if they are allowed to see him.
Visits by children should be case by case. It depends on how well the know the person, their level of maturity and understanding, but you can always end the visit if you see it's not going well. We only have so many days to be on this earth and we never know when our time might unexpectedly come, so it would be good for the kids to see him while he's still around.
But yes it should be case by case… and we don’t know exactly what could happen… but the doctors are positive so I try to think that way too.
My dad's mom died of cancer while I and my brother were young. I was maybe 7 years old(my brother 5) - older than your children are. She lived several hours away in another state. We made a trip to see her while she was in the hospital. Having said that, we were too young to go to her hospital room (this was 60 years ago) but I clearly remember her coming to the lobby and visiting with us. It was the last time I ever saw her alive and I'm pretty sure that is why we went to visit her - though we were never told that she was dying. The thing I remember to this day were how bruised her arms were - I wasn't traumatized by it - but its a memory I associate with the visit. I am glad I got those last minutes with my grandmother.
I remember later that mom went to my grandmother to assist her. I was in the 2nd grade and I remember crying at my desk and told the teacher it was because mom left town - not that she was going to my grandmother - who at that moment I realized was dying (don't ask me how I knew this or even understood death - I know my parents didn't tell us). Mom came home; grandma was still living - my memory of the passage of time during this period is fuzzy but it was my first realization that grandma wasn't always going to be with me.
After she died (as I said passage of time is fuzzy but it was less than a year) I remember we went to the church for her funeral. I remember seeing her in her coffin and attending the funeral. It wasn't a negative experience nor positive - but my first limited experience of end of life. Yes, I was very sad to lose my grandmother - I was blessed to have 2 terrific grandmothers in my life.
Now granted my grandmother wasn't hooked up to machines. But maybe give a simple explanation of what the machines do for grandpa.
So sorry for what is before you, but you know your children.
When I was 17, I went to see my mother in the hospital who was recovering from a hysterectomy (unnecessary) and lying in the bed with no tubes, no machines, no nothing. Just looking pale & playing up the drama big time. I am 64 now and still remember feeling traumatized by seeing her like that. If that helps you determine the 'right thing to do' in this case, great.
It may be a better idea to have a Zoom call or Facetime with grandpa and the older children for a few minutes to see how they react to him over a screen. Immediately shut it down if they get upset and tell them something went wrong with the connection.
I just don't believe in traumatizing our youth unnecessarily. Call me silly. There's a whole lifetime ahead of them to deal with reality, but for the very young, it's better to deal with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny while they still can. There's plenty of time for the reality of death and suffering to deal with in their future.