Our new (old) house has a main floor and a daylight basement. During renovation we took turns sleeping downstairs depending on what rooms upstairs were being worked on. The basement has a full utility/bathroom and a kitchenette, a gas fireplace, a separate entrance and W/D hook-ups. It also has a tv and two comfy recliners. From downstairs you can hear someone walking around upstairs (squeaky floors) but not too much the other way around.
As my husband’s dementia has progressed he has begun to get up in the wee hours. He doesn’t leave the house or do anything dangerous but he does make noise, turn on all the lights and wake me up every night at about 4am and I am unable to go back to sleep.
We are already sleeping in different bedrooms on the main floor because of this and his nighttime incontinence. I’m about ready to give up trying to get him on my schedule or even to keep quiet so I can sleep.
I’m considering setting up the basement as his own studio apartment and letting the poor guy do his own thing as long as he stays safe and I can get some rest at night and work done during the day. If he wants to get dressed and have a bowl of cereal at 4am or watch tv 24/7 is that really such a bad thing? I anticipate he may begin spending less and less time upstairs as his health deteriorates. It could actually be a great solution if he ends up needing in home care at some point. Still, why does it feel weird - like I would be putting him in the dungeon or something?
My question: if you had the option to reside on different floors or in a different apartment than your LO would you do it?
Think it out and you might be able to make it work. I think it’s fine for you to consider this. You need to sleep.
I don't know how he is on stairs? Or how many you have? I would have camera installs so you can check on him without disturbing him. I would just see how it goes and other than cushy carpeting on those stairs I wouldn't invest a whole lot more.
My sad feelings are that this is getting tougher and will continue to do so and you may need placement in the future.
Meanwhile I hope others have ideas that will give you more to think about in all this.
I don't know how he is on stairs? Or how many you have? I would have camera installs so you can check on him without disturbing him. I would just see how it goes and other than cushy carpeting on those stairs I wouldn't invest a whole lot more.
My sad feelings are that this is getting tougher and will continue to do so and you may need placement in the future.
Meanwhile I hope others have ideas that will give you more to think about in all this.
I'd say you might as well give up and place him, unfortunately. That way your house is peaceful and you can spend as much time visiting him as you like. Renting the basement could help pay for his memory care facility.
The idea of a peaceful home makes me teary with longing!
That’s different from concerns about safety, but definitely about ‘whatever gets you through the night, it’s all right’.
A 'daylight basement' sounds better than just a basement..
In London, I lived in a basement with midheight windows to the lower street. Plenty of light & very livable.
We called it the student flat I think.. yours could be the Man Cave.
I think this is a good idea.
For clarity, the ‘ground floor apartment’ has 4 large, opening windows with beautiful views of my ‘sanity garden’ and the local wildlife that is constantly trying to destroy it. DH can handle the cushy stairs right now although he wouldn’t really need to as I can pull the car up nearly to the door for appointments. There is a sunny, private little back porch. The lighting would need some work; even though the windows are south-facing there is an overhanging deck so it’s a little dim for my taste.
The best part of all of your answers has been that they have led me to the more fundamental question of optimal timing of placement. This question has been a major sticking point for me and I think I need to post it as a separate question.
Thanks for being such an engaged correspondent here.
You say that our questions re how long this adapting and adjust can go into the future make you think.
That's good and it looks like you are a thinker on all this over all.
These are TOUGH questions.
While peace in the home is something clearly to look forward to as our loved ones become less and less who they are/were for us, it does come with its whole set of questions also.
So it is now to begin to look to see what the future might hold and explore such questions as finances, assets, division of assets for placement, protecting your OWN funds if placement is necessary, costs and etc.
If you are in the USA you are looking at minimally 5,000 a month for level one ALF care. And you are looking at somewhere between 5,000 and 10,000 a month because almost always the care level goes up with administration of meds and any confusion.
If you are looking at memory care you easily get to 20,000 a month and it's almost prohibitive.
You should as some point speak with a good elder law attorney about future ideas for protecting your money or all your assets will be quickly gone to his care, leaving you no more than 100,000 protected, and that's not enough for your own aging needs. I have seen people in fact go so far as to file a quiet divorce no one knows about so that their loved one can get government funding care when assets are halved and their half is gone. I had a CPA who had to do this when his wife entered vegetative coma and he was left with two young children to raise. So this happens. But point is you need to know and think about these things. Get support from some who have been there. Speak with local council on aging. Get ideas and help.
Best to you.
My Mom’s Memory Care, here in Central Florida is about $6,000/month.
Since you have some time, maybe take some tours of local places, while you’re not rushed.
This should help with sleep.