Hello,
My husband has been tending to the needs of my very borderline soon to be 89 year old mother in law. She continues to be combative so his visits are short and sweet. We have no idea whether or not she has dementia as she has always been manipulative. Her mission seems to be to move in with us which I am not having. She has done way too many things to me, my husband and now grown children for this to be a possibility. She has alienated people throughout her life including relatives for many reasons but mostly has no filter and doesnt seem to understand or care about why people have nothing to do with her. It appears to me that she believes something is wrong with the world and that she is perfect. Lately when my husband visits she cries hysterically for a minute or two but composes herself quickly. She attended a day program for seniors until covid and has some contact with very few people, all because of her own doing. She never seeks medical treatment unless absolutely necessary so there is no regular doctor to speak of. She came to the US from a third world country and has different beliefs about medical care but has expressed these beliefs as "doctors butcher you". I believe she may be eligible for some kind of services, maybe case management or home health aides, but have no idea of how to get that. A few years ago she heard someone day that if you are legally blind you can get money from the government so she tried to convince others that she is legally blind. Her vision is bad, for reading, but she manages to go out daily to local stores. I have a friend who works for a county aging agency who has told me that basically something needs to happen with my mother in law to get services. Any suggestions? I lost my own mom relatively young and have not had to deal with any aging issues.
Thanks.
You are now developing a small trail of information from independent, objective sources. Continue to do this. Document her “unusual” previous behaviors as a possibly important tool to acquiring future care for her, but for yourselves, attempt to place her annoying behavior into the past along with any of the pain she caused you.
Whatever she was before, she is now an unpleasant unloving person most likely suffering from at least some dementia, and both her history and her chronological age point to the fact that she will not respond favorably to help.
The best course for you and your husband is to seek out some kind of advocate to help you through the process. She may need medical management for some of her more difficult behaviors, and she may respond better to some authority coming from an outside person not related to her as family.
It can be some help, perhaps, if you actually can stop thinking of her as family and start thinking of her as a suffering but obnoxious victim.
You and your husband may then be in a better place to make the best, safest, most loving choices for her, THEN BACK AWAY. It sounds as though your husband has started to do this. Work together, and take good care of EACH OTHER. You both deserve that.
Stick to your guns about not letting her move in with you. I think you've figured that out already. I don't know what country she came from, but in the US the only doctor that "butcher" you are county coroners!
I will assume that MIL has a green card and has been here over 5 years. If so, she should qualify for certain benefits. Where I live, Social Services is Medicaid and SSI (Supplimental Security Income) nothing to do with Social Security) If MIL worked here for over 10 years, then she qualified for SS and Medicare, right? If FIL worked here over 10 yrs and made more money than MIL, her SS basically should be what he received. (There is a formula) Not sure at 88 she can declare blindness. Have to declare a disability before you can collect reg SS. But would not hurt to look into it.
I live in NJ and Social Services are separate from Office of Aging, Adult protection services and the Health Department. And something has happened to MIL, she is now elderly and needs help. The services she may get are based on her income. Start with Office of Aging and see if they will evaluate her situation and see what services they provide. Is she on Medicaid for health insurance? If not she may qualify for that and be able to help with "in home" care. She may be able to get an aide even for a few hours a day.
There is probably a cultural thing going on where MIL feels its your responsibility to care for her. Stick by your guns. Seems like DH feels the way u do, so this is good. If for some reason MIL ends up in a hospital and rehab is recommended, send her. You can ask to have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If its found she needs 24/7 care and the Long term care is attached to the rehab, easy transfer from one section to another. If she has no money, u can apply for Medicaid. If she has refused to assign a POA, you can allow the State to become her guardian. Just be aware, that if this is done, you have no say in her care. If you have trouble getting her to assign someone POA, tell her what I said about the State maybe that will change her mind.
Guardianship is very expensive. I would try to get POA.
We have a mutual accountant who we referred her to years ago. And just like people with borderline personalities she turned the accountant against us for a while. Now the accountant sees things differently. She has suggested to my husband that he convince his mother to sign over POA but she does not trust him. Its sad because he is the only person who looks after her.