Question regarding my dad's wife: Am I being insensitive?

As you are living in a different country and have your own kids, how would you look after your father if he needed care? Would you move him to the US? If that is the case, would you leave her in India? If you moved back to India to care for him, how would you not take care of her as well? I can understand now wanting to provide care if your father isn't around, but as long as he is, I think they are a package deal.

Sometimes it is best to be straight forward even at the risk of being insensitive.
You did her a favor to let her know how you feel in advance. She is not that old. Nor is he. Hopefully they will plan accordingly.
It does occur to me that because they married, she may provide him a lot of care that he may have otherwise depended on his children for. Hopefully he will care for her as well. Married men usually live longer than single men.

I think the mistake most people make today is in NOT being frank. I congratulate you on being frank with your step mom.
You don't say if you have plans to take your father into your care in your own home should he require that care? Have you discussed with him?
I don't know if your father and step Mom intend to continue to live in India where care is much less costly than in the USA?
I don't know what monies your father has saved for his own care, and for the care of his wife should he predeceed, and vice versa?
All of these things make an enormous difference.
I hope that your Father has left his money to his wife, or a life estate in any home he may have. This will help her provide for her care should your father die before her. I hope she has done the same.
You clearly do not see your Dad's wife as a "mother figure". Is she by any chance of East Indian descent? There is often cultural expectations when that is the case. You are right to set them straight.
Your speaking frankly has now made clear to stepmom that she cannot count on you for her care should your father die before she does, and should she need care of children. She will likely speak of this with your Dad; your Dad, if he has not, may feel he needs must provide a "safety net" of a sort for his wife. That is assuming she does not have children of her own.
Cultures vary. In our own I think there is NO ASSUMPTION that children will "care for us". Neither our natural nor the issue of our blended families.
I have in fact made it clear that my children are NOT TO DO SO as has my partner to his own children. I hope to have their love; I hope not to have their care in age. My partner raised two children and I raised two children. ALL are aware they are not to be caregivers. As to my partner and I, we are approaching age (no 80 and 82 respectively) knowing we must provide for ONE ANOTHER, and then proceeds left will go to our children. That has required careful Trust and Estate Management. I hope your Dad and Stepmom have done the same.
Again, openness is a wonderful thing and I think you should ALL be discussing this together. Your father, your step mom, your siblings, you, and issue SHE has of a previous marriage (if she has any). The children should be aware of the plans their aging parents have set in place for their own care and for the care of their spouse. At some point, as the inevitable approaches, yearly updates are a good thing, along with discussion of successor trustees and accounts, of POD and policies. Of POA, MPOA and who gets it and who is second. Of wills and trusts. Of health care directions.
It makes sense, it is honest, and it keeps things clear.
I am glad you aren't dancing around issues. When something is dropped on your doorstep it needs addressing in one way or another. So, congratulations.

My dads new wife thang asked me point blank if she could move to my city if something happened to my dad. Hahaha, I said, you're a full grown woman, you can move wherever you want. She wasn't asking about moving in the way my answer said. She fully expected me and my husband, who are both older then her, to take care of her.

I don't think you are being insensitive in the least, I think she is being presumptuous.

You should fully understand what taking care of dad looks like if he isn't a United States citizen and does not have the ability to claim Medicare. Insurance is cost prohibitive and he won't be eligible for any assistance for years, he will be self pay. Or, you will be living in a foreign country in a house that this woman is the mistress of.

It is time to find out what dads plans are for care, if needed.

Yes we have a member who brought her Mom over from India because there was no one to care for her. She never worked here so she is not entitled to SS or Medicare. She cannot recieve Medicaid for 5 years once she established residency and got her green card. The woman needs care in LTC but has no money to pay privately. What money she has is tied up in India. So member is paying privately for her moms health insurance and caring for her.

IMO this woman had nothing to do with raising you. She is your fathers wife. If Dad gets sick, its her responsibility to care for him and visa versa. I give you lots of credit laying it on the line now. Yes, if she has no family she and Dad need to make sure she is safe and secure. Bringing her to the States or even him is really not an option if you can't financially support them.

Eldercare is available in India...maybe do a little research and suggest some to her. Maybe depends on where they live?

https://www.samarth.care

Their website states:

"Care, Like Sons and Daughters would do!

Since 2016 Samarth has been working with the elderly community in India and leading the way in building a sustainable eldercare ecosystem.

Our unique approach of caring like a son or daughter has helped us establish the gold-standard in elder care at home: care that is comprehensive, personalised and proactive, just like from child to a parent."

Sounds like a reasonable option.

I think that perhaps you weren’t all that sensitive in the way you put it to her. “I will always be there for (my father) but I won't be able to take her responsibility” is a bit of a slap in the face. It does come across as ‘you aren’t my mother and you aren’t ‘family’. It’s better to say that her care is your father’s responsibility, even if it boils down to the same thing.

I also think that “I as his daughter will be there ” is probably not the right way to put it. She as his wife is the one that ought ‘to be there’. You shouldn’t give the impression that you will be ‘there’, as in on the spot in India. You want to take some responsibility to make sure that he has appropriate care (and from the sound of it he already has adequate arrangements), and of course you will try to visit in an emergency, but if you have a husband and two children in the USA, you can’t just up and leave for any long period. She may be very happy to think that she will be moving to the USA and moving in with you, so it’s quite important to be clear about ‘where’, not just ‘there’.

Your new stepmother will almost certainly have reported the conversation back to your father. It’s your father’s business to make the situation clear to her, and a talk to your father could be a good idea.

No

If you have the feeling that you are being insensitive, perhaps you know that you are biased. That being said, consider that keeping an open mind and creating a amiable relationship with her can only be to your advantage going forward.

I have worked with people from India and I find them very "up front". They don't seem to mince words. And there may seem there is some abruptness in how the OP is translating her conversation from her native language to English which is her secondary language.

Sushanghose, so the woman expects you to pay for her plane tickets to visit after Dad passes? A little nervy there isn't she? I guess she thinks marrying Dad his kids came with it. Again, u did good laying it on the line. Do not promise Dad anything. Make him aware that if he goes before her that she will be on her own. That you cannot be expected to care for her and that coming to the US will not happen for the reasons I listed in my first post. His wife needs to plan for any future without her husband since she has no children. (She couldn't come to the US without u sponsoring her anyway, right, so no problem there, u don't sponsor her)

I do not consider this woman a step-mother because she never raised you. There is no bond there. She is your fathers wife. That is how she needs to look at your relationship. You are not her daughter, you are ur father's daughter.

I think she is wrong in expecting you to care for her. I have children and will absolutely not let them care for me at any time!! I have given up my life for my own mum and would never expect that of anybody now I've experienced it. Sorry if I sound blunt, but you only get one life and I'm desperate to get mine back!!

Good heavens, your father is only 63. How old is your stepmother? Does she not have any family of her own?

Unless there's some health factor that you haven't mentioned, practical caregiving is not likely to become an issue for a considerable length of time yet; and I doubt if either of them thinks in a serious way that they are getting old as such. Thinking ahead to what they'll do and where they will live when they do is different. Are you sure she isn't hinting that they might want to settle in the States?

From what you describe, it sounds to me more as if after ten years of marriage she was looking for some indication that you now consider her family, and would give a monkey's if she were on her own and needing help. Your response was the equivalent of "sod off, you needn't think I'll be wiping your butt" - but at least she knows where she stands.

Financially she's sitting pretty, she'll be able to hire any support she needs. What she's after is acceptance, perhaps even love, at least to know there are people who care what becomes of her. Don't you think?

You have nothing to feel guilty about she is not your responsibility it’s hard enough caring for people you have told her do I would just leave it at that

Assist with getting her help.

Why do you dislike her? You didn't say her age. Is she good to your dad? Does she have family? Sounds like she doesnt. Or maybe feels you are her family. It sounds like you tolerate her, but little else.
Is it because your dad married her, and you didnt get to know her? I can understand if you had your dad all to yourself, then she came along. Then he paid more attention to her. She is the wife. That is normal. Feeling are feelings. Nothing wrong with how you feel. Just have to figure out where the feelings are coming from. Are they rational? Sometimes feelings can come from our little kid self, and not be rational. We can decide to hold onto them, or change them. I've had knee jerk reactions, then realized that some feelings were from my own insecurities, and I chose to change them.
Maybe dad thought you are older and on your own. You had a boyfriend, or husband, then family and making your own way in the world. And he was lonely. You were doing fine and clung to your husband. Now he has someone. Who wants to be lonely? Nothing wrong with that. That is the natural way of things.
Maybe she likes you and considers you family. Maybe not trying to burden you, but wants to know if something happens, you'll seem a tad bit interested to make a phone call now and then. Not good riddance lady. Why is it so bad she gets 50% of your dad's money? What is she supposed to do? Give you 100% then live on the street? She is there sharing meals, cleaning, caring about your dad every day. Your dad wants her to be there.
Just things to consider.
Maybe you can talk to them both about estate planning and contingencies. Like if they need in home help. Or that you have children and can't drop everything to go to another country to care take for months on end.

My parents were totally unprepared for contingenies. Huge problems resulted.

Just things to consider. Maybe she feels lucky to have you as family.
Your post seems like you only tolerate her for dad's sake.

I don’t disagree with the OP. It is good to be open and honest when discussing the future and care giving.

I do disagree, a little, about writing off a parent’s spouse if “they didn’t raise you.” My dad and step mom have been together for over 40 years. A few years ago, my sister and I were talking and she pointed out how, despite being quite different in temperament, background, education and hobbies, our step mom has loved and accepted our dad unconditionally. It got me thinking about the value to me and to my sister of my dad being loved wholeheartedly. They met a year or so after my parents separated, and it was easy to take for granted that my dad found love again. Having more life experience, I now realize how unlikely it is to find a such an affirming and loving partnership. Their marriage has made him happier than he would have been — they have truly shared their life.

When people have asked me whether I would be willing to care for my stepmom if my dad dies before her, I can say I know it would be very hard (she is so independent that she can be antagonistic towards helpers/caregivers). But I wouldn’t hesitate. Not because anyone expects me to. On the contrary, she assumes that none of her kids (she has 3 sons) nor my sister or me will care for her. But I would want to take care of her because she has loved my dad, who I love and cherish so much. And also because my dad loves her, I would want to take care of her. I hope my stepbrothers feel the same way about my dad.

Instead of taking care of either one, why not offer to help them find Senior Living together; that is quite a task, so you would have a job to do without becoming a nurse.

Dad chose her, so your help in keeping them together would probably be very much appreciated.

Hopefully, you can find the right fit somewhere near you so that you can visit often.

Like your father's wife, I married my husband a year and a half after he was widowed (30 year marriage). I have no children; H has two adult children, each of whom have their own 2 children. I have very good relationships with my H's children, and I adore their small children. H and I are in our 60's. I am the youngest sibling in my family; my older siblings are not in good health, and statistically, I will outlive them. I will also statistically outlive my H. So....fortunately, H and I have the ability to provide for our care financially as we age/die. To address the issue posed in OP question: for my part, I do not expect my stepchildren to provide any care to me, allow me to live in their homes should I become unable to live independently, or be my 'besties' while I am in the NH. I accept I may be very alone 'in the end zone'. Accepting that, I will make appropriate arrangements for my physical and legal care well before I may lose my cognitive abilities, and expect nothing more from anyone. If anyone should care to be involved in my care, visit me, etc. I will accept that for what it is: a blessing. OP: you are not required/obligated to provide hands-on care to your father's wife. It is your father and his wife's responsibility to make appropriate arrangements for their own aged situation, and luckily, they have the resources. I think you are doing the right thing by telling father's wife you won't be caring for her. Keep repeating it. Perhaps she'll get the message, and figure something out for herself. Tell her you will help advise her about her options, but repeat: you won't be 'the option'. Too often we are expected to be selfless in the face of aging parents, but we must respect ourselves and our limits also.

Check this info out: https://www.healthcare.gov/immigrants/coverage/

sushanghose: You are not responsible for your father's wife. Period.

Let's say some years after your father has passed, (may he live to 120 and well), you hear from a cousin or friend that still lives near your dad's old neighborhood. They report to you that in her old age your stepmother spends days and nights sitting on her door step, no matter the weather, wearing her underwear over her clothes, one shoe on her head, and the house no longer has furniture for some reason. In addition, she and what's left of the house are filthy, all she eats is dust or worse and no one is doing anything about it. Also, (I have more paint for this picture), she's on the verge of loosing her home? Wouldn't it be a decent and a grand largess on your part to at least get her taken care of without doing the actual "hands-on" care yourself?

I'm going to take an easy leap and guess she doesn't have any relatives, or she's also a pill to them.

At any rate, you've already taken care of the Everytime-they-visit problem of her repeatly talking about how they are getting old, etc, etc.

Yes, she has no clue about how to broach a concern, a very important factor that often dictates the form that responses take in turn, but you shot with both barrels in order to stop her harping. Not the best thing to do. BTDT.

There are lots of people that, rather than directly say what they mean, will dance around a concern, and especially a fear.

Btw, I'd be very interested to know if she said that to you alone or while your husband or dad were around to hear. I'm also curious to know if you ever called other people your dad and she have visited and asked if she made that statement to them as well. And I'm super curious to know if you said your piece about taking care of dad only for her ears alone or in front of your dad too. Whoa.

At any rate, maybe after the smoke has cleared, you can sit her down and say, "Look, I know you're worried. Everybody is eventually. I thought about it and here are my recommendations, (1) when the time comes have a friend move in with you, or (2) Start tutoring a child now, or children, be endearing and they will look-in on their adopted Auntie in later years, or (3) Start making sweets and invite neighbors or special friends for tea fairly regularly, or (4) Start handing out coupons, and what I mean by coupons is to start doing kindnesses/favors to people and then when you are in need you can comfortably call in on those coupons, or (5) As you become older perhaps rent out a room(s) inexpensively to students with the agreement that they help with housework and shopping, or (6) If you haven't done this already it's never too late to create a welcoming, friendly, inviting home of easy comfort, warmth, laughter and maybe music. Give people memories of comradery and conversation that has nothing to do with fears and aches so that they may want to come back to and look-in on old friends with reasonable regularity in later days. Become the gentle oasis of life's cares.

In answer to your question - Am I being insensitive?
Yes. Your delivery was not only a screw driver right between the eyes, you also twisted it by saying you'd take care of your father but not her. There's something more going on here.
But your stand is your stand. Don't ever promise or even suggest help or anything you can't or won't deliver. I wouldn't either.

Stick to you guns but, heaven knows I know it's difficult, try to swap those guns for pool noodles. For your well being you've got to use language more creatively.

I don't remember where I read or heard this, and I'm going to mess it up, but hopefully it'll be helpful…Disarm your opponent by acknowledging - "I know it's a worry". Then, deflect away from you - "Later let's think about your options".
Then leave her space and give thanks it's a visit.

What do you mean by “be there” for dad? Moving in and doing hands on care?

My DH has adult children who couldn't do anything for his care in any circumstances and no bio grandchildren. I will make all arrangements for our LT care, and keep us near to the children and grandchildren he knows and loves best. They have no obligation to provide care, but they will maintain contact with him if I pre-decease him and make sure he knows he is loved and wanted for the rest of his life. They are in agreement with this. Not surprisingly, these are my younger children who were still living home when we married. They older ones have no such relationship and are tolerant at best to my husband. We all need to be realistic about relationships with our adult children and keep our expectations in line with that. Love of parents is very powerful and compelling (sometimes to our detriment), but that relationship cannot automatically extend to their spouses.

I think she should make other plans about her future care. Don't feel responsible for it. She is trying to push you into it and she has no right to do that..

Hi, Sushangloose. I'm wondering if this is a cultural communication misread between you and your dad's wife? If so, as in any similar situation, my approach is to be direct with your words yet be sensitive and compassionate.

There might have been better ways to phrase the information. Seems that you need to start a series of discussions of types of care you are willing to provide.

No, you're not being insensitive. You are explaining yourself plainly to make sure there are no misunderstandings with your father's wife.
You do not owe his wife anything. Your father remarried when you were 25 years old, It's not like this woman raised you or was a parent figure to you in any way.
You don't owe her.

Just Google, Assisted Living in India