ShadowChild1 Asked February 2011
My father died 7 months ago. I continue to have nightmares, I cry (mostly in the shower), and I miss him very much. Is this natural or do I need to seek a counselor?
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He died after 8 months of suffering, because family members just did not want to honor his wishes and allow him the dignity of dying under his requests. I continue to have nightmares, I cry (mostly in the shower), and I miss him very much. I was the primary person who stayed with him in hospitals, learned how to deal with trachs and vents, and was the only family member with him when he died. Is this natural or do I need to seek a counselor?
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i send u huggs, its so hard, so frustrating-its traumatic.
my dad was a doctor-he was in his hospital for a short time and then in a rehab-supposedly one of the best- best of what?who rates these places? my dad was 95- but had fallen- heknew once he went in, that would be it. he also had prostate cancer , and many
problems that the elderly develope inthe end stages. I was surprised at how much i had to fight-not physically-for simple ,basic
care for him- the people that work there are so cold and nasty-
they talk to the patients like they were idiots- they dont do the things
u would expect- unless u make a lot of noise-and be very pushy and
ask questions. the care was just horrible-i was there almost all the time-every time i came,i always got nasty looks from all the nurses and aides,they hated me.they knew i was going to be complaining or asking about something-but really, who else is going to make sure he was being treated right?..me his daughter,his advocate.and it sounds like you were the same angel for your dad.
i was a pest to them-
i cried and was so angry at that time-i kept a journal-do or did u? -i still have notes i took
because at some point i need to write about it- its been 6 years, and i still feel raw inside- so i understand ,for me ,it didnt comfort me to say i did as much as i could, or anythinglike that-it was that my dad deserved to be treated with dignity-whether he was a doctor or
a pauper- it hurt me inside, that fact they treated him like he was a nothing.my mom is going thru her ending now- and i am going thru this torture again-the only difference is-my brother took her out of state and is doing his best to keep me out of her care-out of her apt-he changed the locks and refused to give me a key-so i try and put distance from thinking too much.Ive been fighting for years, and im so tired of fighting for my mom-
it is what it is- and things happen in ways that make us feel full of emotions-
the amazing thing is, and it might sound like a cliche-but it is true-
you will survive this, u will grow from this, u will feel like u will die from a broken heart- but u will get thru it. i send u so many huggs,and good strong positive energy. and let yourself cry,cry loud if u want, hit your pillows, rip up paper-let it out- your sadness
will be allowed to be released thru your tears- you will feel better.
i am so sorry u had to go thru this-but thats why we are here- to help eachother. I send you the biggest hug in the world.
karen
Blessings,
Bridget.
It has only been 7 months, so my instinct is to say that it is entirely normal to grieve. If you are beating yourself up for not being more involved in your father's care and the events that lead to his passing, I'd say no, it is not normal.
You did absolutely everything you could for your father. You cannot take on the burden of guilt for those who did not step up in his final days or did not respect his wishes.
Allow yourself enough time to feel sad. If you feel that this is inhibiting your daily life, a counselor may help. But, please do not feel guilty for not doing more. Seems to be the plight of all caregivers, isn't it?
I think about him a lot, and I miss him so much. I find myself still crying frequently (about 4 times a week, ranges from misty eyes to sobbing) and my heart aches from missing him. I always cry alone, in the car or in the kitchen by myself. I have never felt such sadness in my life. A song, an old photo, a familiar restaurant or his favorite food will bring such memories and helplessness. Of course, I am functioning quite normally. I go to work, exercise and socialize with my friends all the time. You can't tell the pain that goes through my heart from looking at me. I still have my family and my mom to take care. I seldom talk to my girlfriends about my father. They either felt uncomfortable or don't know what to say. The only people that I felt completely comfortable talking about my father are my mom and siblings. My husband loves me very much, but he doesn't like me to think about my father too much. He doesn't like me to be sad over losing my dad, so I don't talk to him about my father.
I long for those infrequent dreams of my father. Even though the dreams of him are always short, but I still can touch and talk to him. I message him on his Facebook page (for days when I miss him extra hard or when I want him to know something special that happened since he died), wrote a poem about missing him and kept a diary of the last days of his life. These all seem to help me to get over missing my dad.
Laura
So sorry about your dad.
It is very normal they tell me as I lost my dad in April 2013.
I thought I was fine, not crying much, but realizing I was so sad without him, he was the last person I had that I could truley depend on though thick and thin.
Your stroy sounds like mine to some extent, I took care of my dad by myself, I mean he was in the hospital but I was the one who was with him all the time, I feel very lucky to have had that , I have no guilt and neither should you. You did the very best you could and I'm sure your dad knew that. please give yourself time to heal, and know that you loved and honored him. I have to take my own advise and do the same. I just started crying this past week and its been 4 months, its like all of the sudden a flood gate opened, I cry at the drop of a hat, I cannot control when it is going to happen it just does. I am not ashamed or embaressed, I dont care what people think, I just lost my dad, and I am his daughter, I loved him with all my heart and will continue that forever.
Peace to you
When my mom died, more than 20 years ago, after a battle with cancer, I'd been her caregiver, along with my dad. Partly because I was proactive at the end, I felt ok for a long time, then the nightmares started. It was a year before I felt normal again .. mostly. I'd still lost my mom, right?
Now, I'll be reading something in here that puts me back into those last months and I cry. A lot. I've been with the lady I caregive for now, for almost 5 years .. and there are moments when it all floods back, and it's my mom in that chair, not Edna.
It's not ever "over." We just learn to cope with it and channel our feelings into something healing and loving.
Blessings .. and let us know how it's going for you, ok?
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