He wants to take her to her home and take care of her 24/7! She is incontinent and super needy. I think she is crazy! She calls all hours of the day and night, stating she wants a blanket or she can’t sleep, etc.! Should I just let him go ? He visits almost every day! This is driving me crazy!
The story is she was checked on at 12:30 am, was in the bathroom, then she made it outside, without the alarms going off, slipped and fell, couldn't get back in and was found at 6:30 am deceased.
May she RIP
This poor 92 year old may have as easily passed in the hallway or her own room on that particular day. I think we can't live our lives by the "what ifs"; we do the best we can to do things safely given our own limitations. Yet our elders die in our own homes. Would the elder the OP speaks of be safer in her home? Perhaps. And perhaps not. But the point is that the OP has limitations that preclude her living with this elder (I share them). So it isn't necessary to even go there.
When my Dad [95] was in a senior facility, they allowed him to bring along his caregiver who worked mainly in the mornings. Since Dad was just beginning his journey with dementia, this gave him a routine. Yes, it was expensive, Dad had saved for such "rainy days".
Regarding visiting Dad, I did start with daily visits, then slowly cut back on the days. I wanted Dad to be as independent as he could. Finally I would visit once a week when I was bringing over grocery items that he needed. He learned to settle in.
And as far as for you, you should not offer much support for this crazy situation. Sure moral support for your husband and maybe go with him once or twice a month. Ask him to take you out to dinner instead of running to wipe his mommy's nose!
Best of luck.
He'll also likely be wiping it off toilets, furniture, bedding, and anywhere else her bum lands.
Next, remind him that he'll be diapering a full-sized adult at least every two hours around the clock, and ask how he'll like carrying loaded diapers out to the trash.
Tell him that hiring a wiper won't work, because that's what he's already paying for and not using that service, so obviously he doesn't want to do that.
Next ask him how he feels about seeing his mother stark naked, because he'll need to bathe her, too. Explain about cleaning under fat folds (if applicable), saggy breasts, and of course the need to thoroughly wash the lady bits.
I think appealing to a man's sense of mortification might just be the ticket.
The only place he should be going is to marriage counseling with you. He has a very dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her, and he seems to know nothing about dementia (she's not crazy, her brain is broken by the disease). Please tell him he needs to choose you or her as the priority. He doesn't need to abandon his Mother, he just needs healthy boundaries and a therapist can help with this.
Before he does this make him aware that he will not be bringing her to your home after he finds out that he cannot care for Mom. You will not be caring for her in any way. Tell him by caring for her he will need to bathe her and clean her up after going to the bathroom. He cannot expect you to do it. Remind him of the reason she was placed in an AL in the first place. He will find out you are right , he cannot care for her, but he has to see he can't. So, let him do what he wants. Just make sure he understands he still supports you. That his Mom is going to need to pay her own way because he has a wife.
Your profile says ur MIL has a Dementia. This is probably the cause of her neediness and other things. Some of the things u can do if she stays in the AL. Get rid of her phone. She can't call if she does not have it. If your husband cannot do that then u ignore her calls. You shut your phone off at night. Easy if its a cell, u put it on Do Not Disturb. She needs to depend on staff for her needs. Your husband does her no good being at her beck and call.
Please, make it clear that MIL cannot come to your home if this doesn’t work out.
There is no way in hell that he will be able to give her the care she requires, and I can only guess that he will try and recruit you to be his helper with her.
You both need to let her calls go to voicemail, and trust that if there's a true issue that the facility will call you. Your husband is enabling her bad behavior and until he stops being at her beck and call, nothing will change.
And there is no reason that he needs to visit every day. That too is a bit weird or should I say crazy? Once a week should be plenty, as that will allow her to get used to her surroundings and for her to get used to asking the people there for help instead of you guys.
If he insists on putting his mother over you, then you know what you must do, and that is calling a divorce lawyer.
And by all means let your husband read the answers to your question, as it may be quite eye opening for him.
OP, I hope that doesn't mean your home?
When he comes to you seeking solace, keep remaining neutral. Don’t get involved and offer no help, just a listening ear.
Then I would live my life to the fullest while he was gone. Think of it as a vacation away from him where you only have to worry about you! If this causes a rift in your marriage, remember he created that rift by leaving his marriage.
We as women, don’t owe our in-laws a thing! If they were nice to us and treated us like their own children then out of the kindness of our hearts, we can provide care if we are doing it from the heart! No other reason then that since they are not our obligation at the end of the day.
My MIL didn’t wipe my as* or give me a bath as a baby therefore I don’t feel obligated to do the same for her. I have 0 guilt in this.
Seriously, this is serious. Please remind me why staying married to this man is a good idea. ?????
If he's that interested in seeing to his mother's every wish by moving in with her and out of his own home, I'd say he's in need of some serious therapy. He's putting her needs and desires above his wife's and that's not a sign of a healthy marriage or a healthy mind. Let him move in with his mother and give him a timeline to make up his mind. Say one month. After 30 days of indentured servitude to his mother, he can decide if he's moving in with her permanently or if you're filing for divorce. It's funny to think that all the services and caregivers in AL weren't good enough for the Queen Mother, yet one sonny boy waiting on her at home WILL be? 😂🤣
Best of luck. I'm sorry you've found yourself in such a terrible position.
I would think that 4-5 days in and he'll be racing back home.
However, if he moves her out of her AL and finds he cannot handle the work of caring for her (and he will) you'd be starting all over again with finding an AL for her.
Your DH is spending too much time with mom. It's not healthy for him or your marriage. She probably hasn't acclimated to the AL yet and if he is there everyday, taking care of her, why would she make any effort to adapt?
He also needs to block her calls and take only one per day.
Or he can ruin his marriage and his life by giving it all away for his mother.
What do YOU do?
State your feelings and then give him emotional support, but let him know that he has to choose between a marriage and mom. Sadly, this very dynamic has taken many a marriage down with it.
It's not like your MIL is living alone and without help, she has a situation where she has 24/7 help, if needed, and she's using your DH as an 'extra' where she should be availing herself of all the people she's PAYING for AL help.
Has she been dxed with dementia or some kind of cognitive decline? Or is this just the dynamic that she and DH have always had? Sometimes, it's hard to know.
I do feel your pain. I have nothing to do with my MIL and my DH reminds me over and over how awful I am to have stepped away from any kind of caregiving for her. However, he does so little it barely registers, so, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on.
Good Luck. I hope he sees a way to be a loving son, but a better husband.