My MIL passed recently, so we decided to sell our house and move in with FIL (81) because he is so lonely. The plan has always been that my husband will inherit the house when his parents are gone, so he now has his name on the deed with FIL. We talked with FIL about expectations, etc. but now that we are here, it's all changed. My FIL literally sits and watches tv all day. His doctor told him not to do anything and he took it to heart. I cook, clean, and take him to appointments. He has told us on numerous occasions that he is lonely and he wants us to sit in the living room with him. (Basically all the time). My husband works full-time, and I work part-time. I also need lots of alone time. If I go downstairs, he wants to know where I am. Whenever we leave the house he wants to know where we are going and what time we will be home. (I am 46 and my husband is 52). He also drinks quite a bit, and this makes things even worse. He starts with the guilt trips about how lonely he is, how no one calls him, how his other kids don't bother with him, how he wants us to look after him, but we are always in the other room or gone out. It's very overwhelming and stressful. I'm used to being able to come and go. Even my daughter (10) is getting stressed out about the situation. I know he is lonely, but I can't be with him all the time. I'm to the point now that I hide in the bedroom a lot, just to get some time to myself. I can't stand being forced to socialize with him...and then I feel so guilty! We have separate bedrooms, but no in-law suite or anything. I already want to move out, or convert the garage to an apartment . Am I being unreasonable?
Your husband and if he can't do it you, need to tell FIL this is not working. You can't be there for him all day and night. You have a 10 yr old who needs you.
Don't buy him booz...my ex ordered it from the Liquor store everyday and they delivered. An alcoholic will get the booz whether you buy it or not.
POA...There are two types Immediate and Springing. Springing you need a doctor's, or two, diagnosis that the person is incompetent to make their own decisions. Thats when the POA is invoked and not before. Immediate means its invoked as soon as the principle signs the POA. My Moms was Immediate but I did not fully take over until it was evident that she had Dementia. Until then, I stepped in when needed. I already was on her bank acct. Had no problems paying her bills and placing her in a nice AL. Which maybe Dad should do, enter an AL. He will be with people his own age. Have activities and outings.
I have a relative that converted their garage into living quarters for their daughter. There is a constant issue with the "garage" being too cold in winter even though heating was installed. The problem is the garage is built on a slab, thus the concrete will always be cold in winter. Our family room is on a slab so we have large area rugs over the wall-to-wall carpeting. Then the daughter tripped stepping up into the bathroom and injured herself.
And if you live in the land of ice and snow, you will wish you still had a garage.
I believe Dad-in-law is missing being around people closer to his own age. Does he live near a senior center? If yes, go on-line and see what activities are available. Some offer lunch for a price. Hopefully he can find some guy friends there that have things in common.
As for changing the Deed to the house, oops, that could create a problem later down the road, especially if Dad-in-law needs to move into Assistant Living or Memory Care, and needs funds to pay for same. My Dad used the equity in his house to pay for Memory Care.
Another issue with the Deed is if later down the road your Dad needs to sign up for Medicaid (which is different than Medicare) to help cover cost of a nursing home. Medicaid would put a lien on the house, and when the time comes to sell the house, half the equity would go to Medicaid for reimbursement of cost.
Dad-in-law should speak with an Elder Law Attorney to find out what legal documents he needs, and to get advice about the Deed.
Is your husband his PoA? I sure hope so.
If he is, he needs to read the document to see what will activate his authority. It is usally 1 official diagnosis of sufficient impairment to require the involvement of the PoA. Get this on the clinic letterhead and signed by the doctor. Do not do this unless your FIL assigns someone as his PoA (since he may no longer be able to legally create such a document once he has a diagnosis).
If your husband is his PoA, he now needs to figure out how to get his Dad in to his primary physician for an exam and a cognitive & memory assessment. The PoA can do this covertly, by talking to the medical team via the medical portal. If FIL doesn't have one, then create one. If FIL doesn't have a primary doc, then pick one (a guy preferably) and get him in, even if it requires a "therapeutic fib".
If FIL is signed up for Medicare, then he can go to any doctor and he gets 1 free wellness exam every year. He cannot get prescribed meds for depression without first having a medical exam by his doctor.
It will seem like a lot of work but then this paves the way for future solutions. He may have the beginnings of dementia and this should be sussed out by having a thorough physical since some medical conditions can create dementia-like behaviors but are treatable.
The drinking thing... stop buying the booze, or make up fibs that it "ran out" or dilute what's in the bottles or whatever it takes. He will only decline and his behaviors will, too, and his neediness will increase. Even as a team you and your husband won't (and shouldn't) take on caring for him when it is stressing out your marriage and family life. His always wanting to be with you and wanting to know where you're going and coming back could be the beginning of "shadowing", which is a dementia behavior.
I wish you all the best as you work towards a solution and may you receive peace in your hearts going forward.
Plus he’s an alcoholic. He won’t change. He has no reason to change because he knows you’ll all give in to his wishes so you can eventually get the carrot on the stick, his house.
Do you really want your child to grow up living with an alcoholic? I wouldn’t. Think this through. There’s only one solution; your own family needs to get out of that house and live somewhere else. Or else FIL goes to live somewhere else. This current situation is not sustainable for you. I’m so sorry.
Just go about your business in the house and outside of it, as you want and need to. No need to be impolite, but no need to respond to his hounding.
It's especially important to enable your daughter to have her childhood/tweenhood. Make sure she has friends to play and socialize with, and a nice space to have them over, either downstairs or in her room, and take her to her usual activities outside the house without feeling bad.
As others have mentioned, you and your husband need to meet with a lawyer about how the deed is written to add your husband as co-owner, and make sure you understand the ramifications. It impacts future taxes, how the will and probate are handled, and what happens if your FIL needs to go to assisted living or memory care or a nursing home. Since you mention that your FIL has other children, you need to be aware of what will happen if any of them decide that they should have gotten a share in the house as well.
Your husband needs to step up here and get his dad into some kind of daytime activity, at a senior facility or adult day center. It's not just to get him out of the way, but essential for his mental and emotional health. At 81 he could have many years ahead of him and shouldn't settle into this depressed, do-nothing lifestyle.
Before you spend a lot of money converting the garage, think seriously about whether you actually want to spend what could be many years still living with him -- not just for your own sake, but your daughter's.
And in this case there is an innocent 10 year old child involved who deserves SO much better than living with an alcoholic grandfather in this dysfunctional situation.
So...time to start looking into buying a new house for just you, your husband and daughter with the money from the sale of your last house, preferably far away from your FIL. And your FIL if he's TRULY lonely can join his local Senior Center as they have activities going on all the time, or he can move into an assisted living facility where he'll be around other folks his own age and be kept as busy as he wants to be.
You and your family ARE NOT his entertainment committee, and ARE NOT responsible for your FIL's happiness...only he is.
And NO inheritance is worth living in hell for the rest of your life and messing up your young daughters life now is it?
So I wish you well in taking your life back, finding a new house to move into to and most importantly protecting your precious daughter from her alcoholic grandfather.
And may I also suggest that you and your husband attend Al-Anon meetings together, so you can better understand what enabling looks like and the damage an alcoholic reeks on a family.
I guarantee after a few meetings your eyes will be opened to the truth, and you will do everything in your power to protect your daughter.
I have been on this Forum for now about five years. I think it's come down to me sitting here quoting Dr. Laura Schlessinger's advice: "Not everything can be fixed".
You're not only faced now with emotional decisions about how you'll live your daily life, but legal and financial and MORAL (your CHILD) ones. Because if your FIL has to go into care, which is what OFTEN happens near the end when someone cannot be cared for in home no matter intentions, the home may be forfeit to his care from Medicaid clawback after his death, or rather his portion of it in any case. I assume you did that whole deed thing without the consultation/guidance of an elder law attorney, so I can't imagine how that will work out for you.
I assume also that you have no shared living cost contract in which you get any compensation for the caregiving, which will of course get worse and worse.
I hate to say "congratulations: you just set yourself out on the Forum to show what not to do", but it does see that's the case.
I think you're right, if that's your question, in so far as trying best you can to protect your privacy, but the sad truth is that it is very difficult to live with ANYONE else be it parent, child, spouse or roommate. And now you HAVE to. And the worse news is that there is no real upside coming here, as this may get worse.
You don't tell us much about the home or property, so at the end of this and feeling a bit desperate to give you SOME hope-- is there a chance of your building a "tiny house" on the back of the property? If not for you, then for your girl as she approaches teen years?
I wish you luck, Tiger, but for my advice, anyway, it's way too late.
I would have told you never to do this, but it's done; so I can only wish you the very best.
Like Funkygrandma, the worst of this, for me, is possible a dire effects on your girl. Please protect her to the best of your ability. You say that you are hiding in your bedroom. Where does THAT leave your poor girl? I don't much buy into the whole "guilt" thing, because usually we don't cause the problems of aging and can't fix them; but I DO believe we have obligation to our children, and when we put them in harm's way we have every reason to feel guilty about it.
Truly I wish you the best. Your post makes me very sad.
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