My mother passed away, I posted this before
My father made her last days a nightmare because he wouldn't take care of his catheter and got mad when someone asked him to (me, my mother) and it was disgusting. Some of us almost puked. We told him and he didn't care
He acted entitled to be there and I guess he was, but he was belligerent and nasty.
My Mother is gone now and he is still the same. When my mom was alive He would call doctors and ask questions over and over until they finally called me for clarity
Now that she is gone he doesn't want any help with the money or care or anything. He resents me for asking and says "I'm not stupid."
I am sick of this I try to help and just get kicked in the face, I KNOW pretty much what to do to straighten things out.
I just realized I have posted this issue many times before, I have to get it through my head that he doesn't want my help neither of them ever did.
He does want my sympathy, nope not getting it
The worst is when he talks like he has marbles in his mouth it makes me nauseous.
Is completely cutting him off mean? I really want to. If he wants to live in squalor and self-pity and no one caring about him so be it.
Let the sibling worry about Dad.
I think you need to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else.
Step back from Dad , I think you need a break at least , or cut him off completely .
From what you are describing it looks like it would be in your best interest to live your own life and allow him to live his exactly as he pleases.
Wishing you all the best.
I'm not quite sure what you want to do or change regarding your Father.
You say he doesn’t want your help.
So I guess you don't help him.. ?
He is not asking for help. Is he hinting? Or expecting?
Or do the thoughts to help him, fix it, originate from you? Because you see he does indeed need help?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, so just stop already!!!
You are not your fathers POA(thank God)and he is NOT your responsibility, so let him live as he chooses and you get on with living your life away from him and the insanity.
Do not feel guilty about doing this, since you've done nothing morally or ethically wrong. If you continue to stand within kicking distance of this man, that's on you, not him.
Respectfully, maybe consider some therapy so that you can finally and cleanly disconnect from this co-dependent dysfunctional relationship or at least identify and maintain healthy boundaries with your family. I wish you all the best as you move forward with your life.
Mary, this has been ongoing for some time and I am glad that you realize you have written to us about it often.
You have told us that you are not POA but that another family member is, if I remember correctly. And you have been told to stop interfering by your family. We have suggested that you do as they have told you, and back away. Send a nice note occasionally and get on with your own life.
Geaton's suggestion of therapy for yourself to help you stop reacting in habitual ways that harm yourself is a good one. I hope you will consider it and wish you the very best of luck.
But if you're asking if being MEAN TO HIM is in fact mean, then it's something you need to come to terms with. Fine line there.
It's really about your needs verses his needs here. And if you feel your life has been superseded with emotional minutia, then get in touch with some emotional support to sift through all of it.
I wish you peace.
If he weren't your father, you'd have stopped having anything to do with him long ago. Get away from him. Get away from the place in your mind where you think you have to help this angry, entitled, rude, unkind, dirty and resentful human (?) being.
If you'd like to help someone, choose someone worthy. He isn't it. You know what's really worthwhile? Help serve Thanksgiving dinner at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. I've done it, and the smiles on the faces of the children and little old ladies warmed my heart. These are truly the ones who need help in our society, not people like the guy you call your father.
Find a new name for him. "Sperm Donator Jerk" is closer to the truth and might help you get over the mental hurdles you face in uncoupling from the drama. "SDJ" for short. Think of him that way every time you consider lending him a helping hand.
Happy Thanksgiving to you! And all the rest of the holidays too.
My condolences on the loss of your mother, and on how this whole situation has played out. It's obviously hurting you and for that, I'm sorry.
There are child psychologists who say that parents who are having difficulties with their children should attend therapy for themselves first, before trying to alter their child’s behavior.
I am sorry, you may just have to wait till something happens and then handle it. If he has a POA, other than u, then they handle it. For now, just walk away.
I continued to visit and help. Met with resistance from my aunt. I had the house professionally cleaned. She dumped on the bedroom floor the next day. The more I pleaded to help, the angrier she got. She got rid of the home care I got for her and only has one come in two days a week for one hour. She was angry about the home care I got for her, insisting she didn't need that much help. She needs more help than that.
I gave up POA, and have not visited since. My sanity was decreasing. I couldn't take her tantrums and her head strong attitude.
Walk away and save yourself. There's nothing else that you can do.
They worry if they are being "mean" to an stubborn, know-it-all, abusive, bullying, a*****e. Who then has such a sense of narcissistic entitlement that he expects the people he is nasty to and abuses to feel sorry for him.
I call this behavior Abusive Neediness. Some people (mostly seniors) that become needy will weaponize their neediness and use it to manipulate and control their families. They expect their families to care for them as if they were helpless toddlers. Yet at the same time also expect to be treated like adults and want blind obedience from their families and total control over their lives.
Your father sounds like my mother. People like this live for negativity and misery. They enjoy it. When they get some sympathy and someone buys into the act and actually does feel sorry for them, that's just so much gravy on the biscuit. Then that person tries to help them out of pity and they will turn on them too.
Your father needs some tough love. Ingore him and do not help with anything. Not even the smallest task. And whatever you do, please stay strong in your refusal to give him any sympathy.
He feels sorry enough for himself and doesn't need you to as well.
I find that when people want to wallow in self-pity they should be left to it. Don't join them.
I had a long expereince as a homecare worker (25 years). I've seen it all and with every kind of client and in every condition.
The first thing I tell any person who is sick, or old, or in pain is that they don't deserve it. No one deserves it.
I will not tolerate self-pity. You shouldn't either. Be willing to help but only if he is ready to accept help and willing to treat you with basic respect.
Don't do a damn thing for him until he is. Like many seniors, he may have to learn the hard way. The hard way means he ends up in a nursing home because he gets a UTI from the filthy catheter he won't allow care for. Or he has a fall because of all the squalor in his house he won't allow to be cleaned up.
You're doing the right thing by not helping him.
And please do not bail dad out from his stupidity and mistakes. Let him live with the consequences.
You are not the POA, so walk away, let whoever is deal with this toxic man.
What are you trying to gain by dealing with him? What is the payoff you are expecting? There will be none.
You keep posting the same thing and yet do nothing, you have gotten some good advice here, listen to it.
I have a similiar situation. You can go back and read my posts. Long story short, I was emotionally abused as a child by my father and he still does it now. He also did my mom the same way. He has been in the hospital /care center for over a month now receiving skilled nursing care and physical therapy. We have had arguments lately because he told me a couple of days go.. "Not to do him like that." I asked what he meant. He said, do not make him stay at the care center. I can not make him do anything because I do not have POA. He knows he needs he needs helps with everything if he goes home but refuses to hire help. He told me today that he thought I would want to stay with him at night once he goes home.. I said no. The odd thing is , is that when my mom was sick, he wanted to put her in the NH. My advice to you is to not let him talk to you like that and just walk away when he does. If he does not want you to help him.. do not. Trust me, it will ruin you. I'm in counseling now because of my childhood and I hate the way I am. Blessing you! Please take care of yourself !
I see many posters commenting about who has POA for your dad.
1. Can you PLEASE provide clarification about that? IS YOUR SISTER DESIGNATED AS DAD's POA?
No my cousin was my mom's POA but my father doesn't have one (he will never give up control either so I don't bother to ask)
2. Is the POA activated? no
3. Since MANY of your prior threads make reference to your mom not having her finances in order when she died, can you also clarify whether your dad is executor for your mom's will? If not, who is?
Since my mom changed the will the new lawyer is the executor.
My sister had no role except to get my mother to change the will so her son could have money for college.
Thanks for all your replies, this place it great
Thanks for your short, sweet update. It clears all confusion.
Of all your past posts, the one I recall with clarity is one in which you said family told you to "Go Away". That was in your question's title.
It kind of says it all.
You now tell us this at the end of your current post:
"I just realized I have posted this issue many times before, I have to get it through my head that he doesn't want my help neither of them ever did.
He does want my sympathy, nope not getting it".
GIRL! You GOT it.
Of all the 100s of words here, I think Burnt said it best.
Your "THANK YOU" to her says you think so, as well.
As Bounce says, if he ever calls and asks for your help, it is then you can decide what is best for you to do.
Forgive him his limitations, and get on with life. The day you think of him and chuckle you'll know enlightenment has arrived.
And Mary, something to think about: we often feel better within when we help others.
Answer some posts here!
You've earned the badge for experience in a difficult family.
You have comfort and input to give to OTHERS who come here with questions. You will get notes from people telling them you help them, even if only to tell them that they aren't alone.
Or that you shook them into another way of thinking.
You won't need parental praise when others reassure you that you're "of value".
I await seeing your name out here with some "answers" instead of "questions".
It's somewhat a "community" here. Give and take. And you're a part of it.
I wish you the best.