14 months ago, my family brought my mom into our home to care for her after my father passed a few months prior. She suffers from extreme depression and anxiety nearly every waking hour from 9 am to 9 pm. She has some of the best psychiatrists over the past 15 years, none of which have been able to help her. She is essentially resistant to all medication. My family consists of my wife, two children and mom. We have full-time caregiving for approximately 60 hours a week. Despite the caregiving support, our home feels as if it has turned into a hospital. My mom grunts, breathes heavily and ruminates off and on throughout the day. You can hear her through the walls even when she is in her room. We have no family support to ease the burden and give us a break. One sibling was emotionally abusive until we decided to care for her. Another is a homeless drug addict and the last remaining one simply refuses to help under the guise that they "can't handle it."
Our once peaceful, loving home now feels as if it is under a dark cloud of negative and toxic energy creating tremendous stress among my wife and kids. My wife, who is an empath, and took care of her from morning till night for the first 8 months is beginning to become physically ill from the constant stress.
We have researched assisted living facilities and luxury group homes. Last month, we even decided on a group home. It was beautiful, clean, the caregivers were awesome. The night we brought her was the first time we saw the 9 other residents and it felt like hospice. We brought her home the next day thinking we could power through and make it work, but we can't.
She requires constant supervision. She can go the bathroom and eat. Anything else, she literally needs someone with her. She would not receive the one on one care she needs in an assisted living facility or group. Left to her own, she would lay in her bed all day. She has no desire to live as she has been battling this for years.
Money is not an object, but I really do not know where to turn. I want her to be loved and cared for as best as possible. Not sure if there are upscale nursing homes or what. Any suggestions or ideas would be much appreciated.
You want her to be loved and cared for?
Nope. You want her to be *happy.* Relaxed, accepting, secure in her family's love; and moreover looking like it's so.
You may have to undergo some expectations revision.
How long were your parents married?
What was your mother's personality like before she was bereaved, while she and your father were still reasonably well and enjoying life?
The AARP special Edition Bulletin December edition has written a very important article in this edition which is called An American tragedy It list why so many thousands died, How to change the system to protect our love one's by changing the rules that are 40 years old, who is to blame for their deaths and How the AARP is doing now to make these facilities accountable for proper care Please for you and your loved one's read it. Right now I would not not send my loved one's their until they have more Aids give better care and could go there to see how she or he is being treated. Remember during the beginning of the pandemic no one including health inspector and nursing home ombudsman were allowed in these homes. You should demand that you see your family members or take the out. Until they nursing home are safe and accountable for there treatment I would not even think about using them at all now
Aa for Mom, while you have care for her there and I don't know what the moment to moment, day to day situation is ? Is she functional in her depression, the mental & physical capabilities of any of it ? So in that regard, she has lost her spouse, did she ever have a pet, be it a cat or dog ? In my own personal experience Mom passed away, she had a small dog, Dad had taken over that responsibility when he was more capable. That responsibility as really what kept him going when he was alone and the necessary changes to get him closer to family that could be there for him. Mom, my Aunt on Mom's side & Dad were a support system that seemed to break down after Mom's passing. So Dad made changes & relocated. Dad also had Mom's dog and he saw the dog thru to her end of life as capable as what he could do. As caregiver in that I relocated and lived in with Dad & dog, so when it became too much for him I was there for both Dad & dog. But I also made it clear that the dog was always his pet, that I was there doing something more to help him & his dog out, not taking over because he wasn't able or capable. I knew when the dog passed that Dad was not going to be far behind in that regard, they both seemed to decline at the same time. At the end it seemed like it was a hunger strike of sorts, they both stopped eating. But all along I included both Dad & dog to have the dignity of handling their own affairs and if they needed my assistance I provided that the same way that I would've whether it was a year, 5 years, a decade earlier. We did things together and that really became a matter of becoming best friends rather than father & son. I think my siblings to his day resent that because they were unwilling to provide that. Their "watches", Dad & dog were healthier, really more capable, so they never bonded with Dad at a level that I did. Their watches was a bonding that I missed out on too just the same, so I don't know where their relationship(s) evolved into with a parent as one of their best friends instead of the parent-child dynamic of an evolution of a lifetime. I do know Dad even started feeling some abandonment at the end with them. And after his passing I found siblings & their wives resented my day to day with him at the end, so much that they accused me of keeping them away for emotional leverage. I literally had to tell my brother's wife that she was free to visit and include Dad in her life. I made no rules living with Dad, changed no rules to preclude anyone from a relationship with Dad or dog. I reminded those that accused me, that the front door was unlocked quite often for them to drop by & visit. They were encouraged to do things with Dad, that I didn't have to be present in any thing they wanted to include him in as their bonding time. It's amazing how some ended up twisting the whole thing to suit their own reconciliations with themselves. One of my brother's wives was the biggest emotional manipulator in that regard, she saw herself as the empath of the whole bunch of us. She was also the one that removed & reduced her role in Dad's life. She & I don't speak to this day after the stunts she pulled from the day Dad passed on. Still amazes me that for an empath, the accusations I faced 12 hours after he passed away from coping, her alcohol abuse that day.
Prayers & best of luck!
If your exasperated and at your breaking point you need a break! Nothing wrong with that. It is natural. Dont feel guilty. It is a very hard job. Very stressful.
You can always try the group home again. Maybe that will help cheer her up? Can they put the crushed meds in her food instead of pill form? She can be helped without throwing a fit, refusing them. Who wants a loved one to be miserable and anxious for a few yrs? That is awful. She's miserable, your miserable, and family is miserable. If she wants to be miserable that is one thing, but quite another to make everyone around her as miserable as possible.
I wouldn't want my aging dog to be miserable. Id want her to be comfortable and hopefully happy in her end years. So why wouldn't we want the same for a loved one? I also think you didn't give the group home a chance and let guilt get to you. You didn't even get past 1 night.
If she doesn't have dementia i would have a coming to Jesus moment where she is going on meds and she'll like it. Because you are at the end of your tether. Depression is common in elderly. Aging isn't fun. Death isn't fun. But she doesn't have to be miserable. Id make that mandatory to keep her in your home. She takes the med. Or else she goes bc you are trying your best. And you can't take the pain of watching her be miserable all the time. Its too much. If she's not cognizant, id just put it in her food. Good luck.
if you can't keep her home, keep her close...
the best to you, mom, and family.... :)