My family or my mom? Help!

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My family or my mom? Help!

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14 months ago, my family brought my mom into our home to care for her after my father passed a few months prior. She suffers from extreme depression and anxiety nearly every waking hour from 9 am to 9 pm. She has some of the best psychiatrists over the past 15 years, none of which have been able to help her. She is essentially resistant to all medication. My family consists of my wife, two children and mom. We have full-time caregiving for approximately 60 hours a week. Despite the caregiving support, our home feels as if it has turned into a hospital. My mom grunts, breathes heavily and ruminates off and on throughout the day. You can hear her through the walls even when she is in her room. We have no family support to ease the burden and give us a break. One sibling was emotionally abusive until we decided to care for her. Another is a homeless drug addict and the last remaining one simply refuses to help under the guise that they "can't handle it."

Our once peaceful, loving home now feels as if it is under a dark cloud of negative and toxic energy creating tremendous stress among my wife and kids. My wife, who is an empath, and took care of her from morning till night for the first 8 months is beginning to become physically ill from the constant stress.
We have researched assisted living facilities and luxury group homes. Last month, we even decided on a group home. It was beautiful, clean, the caregivers were awesome. The night we brought her was the first time we saw the 9 other residents and it felt like hospice. We brought her home the next day thinking we could power through and make it work, but we can't.
She requires constant supervision. She can go the bathroom and eat. Anything else, she literally needs someone with her. She would not receive the one on one care she needs in an assisted living facility or group. Left to her own, she would lay in her bed all day. She has no desire to live as she has been battling this for years.
Money is not an object, but I really do not know where to turn. I want her to be loved and cared for as best as possible. Not sure if there are upscale nursing homes or what. Any suggestions or ideas would be much appreciated.

Care Decisions Family Caregiver Mental Health

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Your family must always come first. Keep searching for a nice place for mom. And since you say money is no object, you really shouldn't have any trouble finding a really nice place for her to live. If you're worried about one on one help, you can always hire some outside help(like you have now) to assist her at whatever facility you choose.

Another thought is you can rent a small apartment near by for her, where she can continue to have caregivers stay with her 24/7 as well. She needs to be out of your house, if having her there is causing your wife to become ill. Wife has to come before mom. Best wishes.

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Funkygrandma, I couldn't agree more with everything you have written. I send my best wishes to the OP as well, in this difficult decision.

(8)

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That's very difficult indeed. Some people in AL have a personal caregiver for extra support.

Or like the above poster said, a small Apt near by with caregivers might help.

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There really is no question here. You can and should be concerned about your mom's well being. That means insuring a safe and healthy environment for her. However, your primary obligation is to your wife and kids. That's a vow you voluntarily made on your wedding day. I certainly don't mean for you to lessen your concern for your mom but you can do both. Obviously, keeping mom at home isn't the answer. You've already recognized the situation is creating a “toxic” environment. You will continue to care for her by providing an acceptable new home for her. Keep looking for the best facility you can find.

But I have a question. It appears you were impressed with the group home but removed her after a day. You said it felt like hospice. What did you mean? The facility was neat and clean and the caregivers were awesome. You may have passed on a good thing. What were your expectations? The key to a great facility is the caregivers, their interaction and concern for the residents. You might want to revisit that place.

I wish you a successful placement of your mom and your return to a “normal” family life.

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Sjple,

Well said!

(4)

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Never light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

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OMG. Exactly. 🤔

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Bring her back to the group home. What makes your mom different from the other 9 residents who live there, if I may ask? You say she has no desire to live and would be lying in bed all day if left to her own devices. That sounds no different to me than the other 9 residents in the beautiful, clean group that has awesome caregivers. You KNOW your mother will get one-on-one care there, since there are so few residents. Vs. a nursing home where there would be MANY more residents and your mother might not get as much one-on-one attention.

I vote for the group home you changed your mind about. ALL of these places are going to house people in various stages of what I like to call 'disrepair'. They're old, they're sick, some are wheelchair bound, some can't communicate......it's one thing or another. Your mother grunts, breathes heavily, and ruminates throughout the day HERSELF, so what differentiates her from the rest of the group home residents? She's beyond help, as all the medications and psychiatrists in the world have told you.

It's time for your family to live again, to get your mother out of your home and to take your peaceful loving home BACK. You all deserve it.

Best of luck!

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^^THIS!^^
Your mom is going to be miserable NO MATTER WHERE she is living.
Better she moan and lay in bed somewhere else.
Take back your life.

(13)

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Island,

If you find a facility that you feel good about, they most likely have several different wings.
They will do an assessment to determine what is best for Mom.

I will be honest!! All of the facilities I toured before I placed my Aunt were kind of depressing to me. Emphasis on "to me".

I chose the one that I felt best about. My Aunt has Alzheimer's and was unable to decide on a pair of shoes, let alone her new home.

I will tell you that they keep her very busy. She is only in her room to sleep. She seems happy!!

The decision is agonizing!! The guilt can be overwhelming!!
Perhaps if she was kept busy with other folks and activities, she may be less likely to have fits.

I found my Aunts facility thru A Place for Mom. It was extremely helpful. But if you have the time, you can just as easily look up and tour places on your own.
Maybe pick 3 then take Mom to choose her favorite.

Best wishes!!

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The group home is clean and beautiful and the caregivers are awesome with that said I would reconsider the group home. My uncle was in one of those in our home town. great food and care and he was content. Please reconsider. Wishing the best for you and your mom.

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This follows up on other comments. Our elders often refuse to see themselves as ‘old’, and are very disparaging of other old people. Facing a group of people as old as themselves is often quite a shock for them, and indeed for their family visitors. Old people in a facility aren’t playing table tennis, and when someone new comes in they are almost certainly going to sit still in silence, just watching. You probably hoped that the other residents would be upbeat, getting along better than your mother at her best. You didn’t give it time to settle down.

My own experience is that the real ‘relationships’ for residents are actually with the staff, not the other residents. (Perhaps different in AL, but that’s a very different level of ‘decline’) With any luck, it’s the staff who are younger, caring, and more upbeat. If the caregivers were 'awesome', your mother would enjoy their company. Perhaps you could visit some more facilities yourself, to get yourself a bit more accustomed to what they have to be like. Look at the residents, not just the sales rep. It’s hard!

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You are a kind soul, but your family is suffering with the care demands. Please consider another type of arrangement.

1 - Create an in-law type apartment for your mom. Hone health care aides can care for her during the day. Make sure it is well-insulated.

2 - Talk to long term care facilities about taking your mom. The fact that she needs constant supervision means she probably needs their care.

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May I gently say, just because you love your mother and view her through a different lens than the residents of the group home, doesn’t mean she’s better or different. Sadly, “happy” is over for your mother, if it was ever truly there. It’s a hard reality to pick between the best of your rotten options for a person with no good options. But it’s much worse to sacrifice your family in service to one who will never be better. Please reconsider the group home you found, I think it was the answer you weren’t ready to see. I wish you peace in this

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Return to the group home.
Your family, and by that I mean your household family comes first. (Wife, children and you)
She will do fine in a group home. Sure it will not be one on one like she has in your home with a caregiver. But she will get encouragement from the staff and you have said that they were wonderful.
You say that the group home looked like a Hospice so you took her home, home to a place you say looks/feels like a hospital. What is the difference? Maybe you feel the "hospital" is better than the "Hospice" because there is a bit of guilt trading one for the other?

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Family. I was foolish enough to think I could do both.

I was wrong!

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You sound like a kind, caring and concerned son. You also sound like you are knowledgeable. I think you know you made the right decision on the group home but just need some of us here on the forum to confirm it for you.

It's confirmed. You found a nice clean group home that you liked and that had wonderful staff.. grab it! Mom may or may not be like the other residents - perhaps her happy active days may be over but it's not your fault. You have an obligation to your wife and children which you willingly took on when you got married. Take Mom back to the group home and explain you just got the last minute jitters (and hope they still have an available room). Let her settle in there (and if this means no immediate visit to her for a week or so, don't make it a problem. The social workers and medical staff will guide you as to how she is settling in. She may decide she wants to dress and snooze in a chair all day - it's her life and she has a right to live it her way at this age and stage and she is not harming anyone else. If she needs more guidance or watching.... you can hire extra outside staff to come in. It's a difficult decision I know and you are in a hard spot but if funding is not a concern, you are indeed ahead of many of us.

When she is in the group home and you visit you can be a caring and dutiful son and daughter in law instead of two frazzled over wrought people watching their relationship fray and hoping they are not missing any signs of distress from their equally stressed children.
Good luck in your journey and please keep us updated.

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Find a comfortable place for mom, close to you, within 5 miles if at all possible. This way you can pop in and out easily from work, home, etc with less effort.. any farther away, may be more hassle, but do what you can.. Only after she has been there a couple weeks to adjust. She needs to adjust as well.
location ,location, location... right...
best to you and your family... make sure you bring her snacks, dance, wtih her, and bring snacks for the staff...talk with everyone,,, they will be part of the extended family...of course since they are taking care of Mom too :)

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It is admirable that you show such loyalty to your mother and your wife's empathy is testament to the love in your home. If you haven't already tried your mother's favorite music, TV show, found something she can tinker with, or pray to; it may be time to find the help you need in the nursing home you spoke of.

We found a home closest to us for my father who actually asked to be there because he really liked it, and he stayed there for the last few years of his life. We found the time to visit him often, and towards the end we visited him every evening, and they allowed us to put a little cot there for one of us to spend the night with him.

When he passed, we were so glad to have spent those nights with him. Having specialized caregivers gave us the confidence to know that his physical needs were administered to, and our visits gave him the idea that he was still in the family, appreciated, and not forgotten.

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Placed my mom in residential group home 6 weeks ago. Best decision (albeit hard) I ever made. Before that mom was a manic mess and not safe. Like your mom all she can do for herself is toilet herself and eat. She’s legally blind so there is limitations there. She thanks me everyday and tells me “I love it here”. Everything has improved. Her cognitive ability, her anxiety, her outlook. She no longer wishes she would die. And this improvement came even with COVID restrictions in place. Good luck!

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Is the private pay?

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Not sure where you live but look up Artis Senior Living. It’s a personal care/assisted living home for people with Alzheimer’s and or dementia. You will be very impressed with their buildings and philosophy for caring for our loved ones. Artis Senior Living. It’s a private pay place. They don’t accept Medicaid.

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Family. No brainer.

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Bless you for your gold-plated devotion to your mom. As someone else said, however, she WILL be miserable no matter where she lives. You would not be abandoning her if she is in a AL or group home environment. I am thinking that perhaps in your home she is often in bed much of the time...If so, how is that different than being in a group home in bed most of the time?

If and when you do place her in another facility, I urge you to ration incoming phone calls from her and only accept such calls for an hour at a fixed time of day...If the caregivers at the facility see something is not right, then they can call you anytime on the facility phone.

At the moment it seems to me that this wonderful but confused elderly lady is the rudder that is steering the family ship...

As you decide what to do, I offer God's
Grace + Peace,

Old Bob

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When it comes to the most difficult cases of depression, electroconvulsive has helped when medications have not. It is actually safer than psychotropic drugs.
Read about it here:
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ect

It is done under anesthesia so the person will not even feel it-I am surprised her psychiatrists did not propose this.

If you feel she is a danger to herself, she would need to be hospitalized.

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Please give the group home a chance. They will give her so much good care. Being that your wife is an empath, it must be traumatizing for her to be around your Mom (even though I know she cares very much for your Mother). You need to think of her too. My second choice would be assisted living, but she will not get as much care as she would from the group home.

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if she is refusing to get out of bed and neglecting her self care, I believe a group home or assisted living is not safe for her. I believe she needs psychiatric care due to complicated grieving.

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As far as you describe it, this is a mental health issue/ disability, assisted living is not generally designed for those with serious chronic mental illness. Why hasn’t she been admitted to a mental health hospital where they’re specialists in depression anxiety etc? They have psychiatrists on staff, medical doctors, often times they also have some therapy or groups to help learn ways of coping with their illness. Assisted living is not the answer for someone who’s issue is solely mental illness. She can get the care she needs at a designated mental health hospital setting. Some of them are shorter term and some longer term but they are the ones who specialize in this

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You say that your home feels as if it's under a dark cloud of negative and toxic energy. It feels that way because it is. You don't mention that your mom has Alzheimer's/dementia so I'm going to assume that she doesn't. Here's the thing about depression and anxiety nothing will help it if the person who has it isn't willing to help themselves to get better. I suffer from both and this is the truth. You can't have your mother living in your house anymore. As much you love her and your kids do too make her move out. I know that you and your family want to see her well and help mom, but keeping someone in your house who is like this will ruin your life and your kids lives as well.

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So true, BC!

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A thorough mental evaluation in an inpatient clinic may be what mom needs. You stated that she is resistant to all medications, is that physical or she resists taking it? Many meds take a bit to build up to a therapeutic level before they start to work. If mom doesn't take them when she is suppose to, it will not work. The group home may also be a good choice for her. More personal care, others to interact with, who are not family that need to attend to every heavy sigh. You need to find a good fit, not just for her but also your family. You, your wife, and your children are first priority. This negativity on a consistent basis has lasting effects on each and every one of you. Only other suggestion I have is sound deadening drywall in mom's room, it'll be a mess at first construction wise but should silence or at least greatly reduce the constant grunts etc. Could mom be making these sounds of "distress " because she knows someone will come to her aid for the attention? Would really look into the mental health issues then to group or nursing home based on that eval for everyone's wellbeing.

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Don’t confuse your family’s suffering, misery and sacrifice with being a good caregiver. You need to see to your own and your family’s health and well-being first. Placing your mom in a facility with trained medical staff that can manage her basic needs, insure she is clean, safe and fed, manage her meds, and work with you on a plan of care, is caring for her and your family in the best way possible. Get your life back. Look past the clinical setting of the group home.

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There are many referrals services available to help you with finding a good fit for your mother. You might try contacting A Place For Mom. This agency was helpful during my search to place my mother. Good luck.

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First of all,, I would wein her off of all head meds as they can totally make you depressed and even suicidal.

If money is no option and you don't want her living in your home any longer, than you have three choices.

#1. Delending on where you live, If you have room either have a Sound Proof Room built on to your home and hire 24 7 care or put a trailer on sight and hire 24 hr care.

The 3rd Option is to rent a place close by and hire 24 7 Care.

With All above options, Install cameras so you can check and see what is going on any time day ornight from your Cell or Computer.

You'll be able to have your home back to yourself and know that your mom is OK.

Mare sure the Caregivers take her outside for sunshine and fresh air daily.

If you need something less expensive. You could rent a 2 Bedroom and hire a Live In.

I have a 96 yr old Dad that has dementia wuth very short term memory loss.
I promised him long ago he could stay in his own home.
I hired 24 7 Caregivers that do 12 hr shifts each.

To hire a Live In is about a 3rd the cost but my Dad is too needy and is awake off and on 24 7 and wants a snack every few hours and I was afraid he would drive a Live in crazy.

my Dad doesn't like to be left alone and a Live In needs at least to be able to get 8 hrs of sleep, so, I figure it would be safer for my Dad to use Caregivers in Shifts.

Prayers for your family and mom that you find the right solution.

The nicest most beautiful Senior Places mostly are not what they seem and all understaffed.

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Your mother has lived her life - do not drag your family down any further. I understand being an "empath" and the emotional toll it takes. I'm highly sensitive to "energy" and my mom who is a full-blown narcissist brought chaos, negative energy, manipulation, and a toxic energy to my home too. For 3 years I was becoming more and more ill with heart palpitations, low energy, depression, etc. She had a stroke and is now in AL. It's very nice and she is getting the care and attention she needs. And I'm getting my life back slowly. I literally felt like I had PTSD. The pandemic has also made for a most difficult year. I had multiple tests run and am very thankful there is nothing amiss - which makes me totally believe it was all mental. Stress can and will kill you slowly. Get her out of your house! There are plenty of good places. Take back your peaceful home. Or you will regret it!

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As you assess nursing homes, don't judge primarily by the appearance of a place. Look, instead at staff to resident ratio, how long staff have been employed at the facility (longevity of nurses and aides is more important than administrators), where is the home office and how do the families of residents feel about the level of care. Also, be realistic. No place will be perfect. You will find a war story everywhere if you look hard enough. If you do, find out how the facility responded to the problem.

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This is tough for you. Sorry. If money is no object you can hire additional care to be one on one with her at her senior facility. Many AL executive directors, or care coordinators, can suggest a service like that for you. Sounds like you have a great wife but your mother is not her problem. There are people who are better able to care for your mother than you can. Their facilities are set up better than yours at home. Your Mom needs a strong advocate. That is something you can do much better if your mother is situated in a senior residence. If the place where you had her was clean, bright, and professionally managed (and passes the smell test) you may have already found part of your solution. Just see if they will allow additional one on one care by an outside service. You said you were unimpressed by the other residents at the facility but respectfully it sounds like your mother is not a picnic to be around either. Save your family by placing your mother.

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I completely disagree with you telling this family to go to a nursing home, right now is not the time. Almost all health care professional that I know never would use them now for their family loved one's,.
I am writing this article because recently my wife who was infected with covid 19 within a high end assisted living facility in Babylon NY because of poor care she received and loss of aids to administer care.
The AARP special Edition Bulletin December edition has written a very important article in this edition which is called An American tragedy It list why so many thousands died, How to change the system to protect our love one's by changing the rules that are 40 years old, who is to blame for their deaths and How the AARP is doing now to make these facilities accountable for proper care Please for you and your loved one's read it. Right now I would not not send my loved one's their until they have more Aids give better care and could go there to see how she or he is being treated. Remember during the beginning of the pandemic no one including health inspector and nursing home ombudsman were allowed in these homes. You should demand that you see your family members or take the out. Until they nursing home are safe and accountable for there treatment I would not even think about using them at all now

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