My 81 year old mom, just moved in with me and my 20 yr old son. The townhome she had lived in for almost 30 years sold, she moved to a new town she isn't familiar with and still drives to her old neighborhood many times a week for church.
It has been quite a struggle. She seems angry and upset all. the. time.
My mom tends to get upset about little things. I have been told that we don't do laundry correctly, that we use her pots and pans wrong (we stopped using them and I packed them away), the list goes on. She got upset that my son was making his lunch for work and using two pots. He had told her that he was going to make his lunch and she decided at that moment - to put dishes in the dishwasher. Then she got mad when he started cooking and walked out of the kitchen. She will go sit in her bedroom when she is mad, but will not talk.
When we ask if there is something wrong, we get a sharp "No." or "Nothing". But her face gives it away that there is something definitely wrong. But she shuts down and won't talk.
It doesn't help we have two dogs -one on the older side and the other is a 5 month old puppy (belongs to my son). The puppy is excitable and tends to jump (he's in training). She gets mad when either barks.
My sister and I have tried to get her involved in activities in the new area for her and she wants nothing to do with it. So she sits and watches tv all the time.
I'm beside myself. What do I do? How do I get passed this? Its only been 3 months -do we find her own place as she may be feeling like she is losing independence?
As to the silent treatment, I would not play into that. You are all under a lot of stress.
i just wanted to add that the dogs are also a huge stressor if you are not a dog person.
When Mom is being quiet she may be realizing that she’s going to say something critical and chooses not to do that. She’s not used to doing things a different way. It doesn’t hurt us to learn different ways but this is a lot all at once. There is no way to prepare for what you don’t know is going to happen in detail. Like when GS makes lunch, stay out of the kitchen. These are just organizational things that roomies have to work out. A chat at the kitchen table on Sunday evenings might be a good idea. What’s working. What’s not working. An opportunity for each person to be heard. A willingness to try to respect boundaries. An opportunity to validate others feelings. You all matter.
It's been 3 months and it's obvious the arrangement is not working out.
First: Don't blame yourself! It sounds like you've done all you know to do to make her happy. She is bound and determined to be miserable, and nothing you can do will fix that.
Has she always been passive-aggressive like this? I know her generation was raised with the "we don't talk about our problems" or a "suck it up" mentality. Many people like this never learned how to share how they feel. Maybe she learned to cope with everything by shutting down.
Not a happy bunny, that is.
Not your fault. Not anything either you or your son is doing wrong - which she herself knows, that's why she says "Nothing!" (angrily!) when you ask her what the matter is. She's just sore and cross about everything and expresses it through whatever is nearest.
You and son can forbear, and be patient, and do a bit of subtle love-bombing but mostly let her be; and then see where you are in the spring when the days are a bit longer and she's had a bit more time to adjust.
But even if you do feel you can manage that, perhaps giving yourselves a private deadline for when you're going to check next, it would be no bad thing to do a little research into possible alternatives for her. It could be that the right community or ILF might be a much better fit - no harm in finding out what's around.
I might really watch your mom to see how she's functioning. If she's really capable, she could get her own place, in an IL or AL, to see how she likes that. Maybe, test it out for a weekend. Maybe, she misses her independence.
I'd also keep in mind that dementia can begin with people just being cross, unhappy, unmotivated, etc. I noticed that before the memory problems with my LO. She would snap at you over nothing. Often had a bad attitude. And, didn't do much of anything.......fast forward and it was dementia in the early stages. I'd just consider that as a possibility.
Save your relationship now by living separately. Find a nice Assisted Living place for mother, or Independent Living with a continuum of care feature, if possible, so she can move along as needed. Go back to being the daughter who visits weekly instead of the roommate who does everything wrong.
Good luck!
HAPPY. Don’t get me wrong my sister has contributed much time to mom taking her places and helping out greatly financially. Saying no to mom sometimes is what I feel will help save her life. My mom calls my sister on me when I tell her something she doesn’t want to hear or doesn’t want to do. Then I get a phone call. STOP STRESSING MOM OUT. My mom often won’t tell her sisters or my sisters the real critical conditions. However, her body shows obvious signs of really bad situations. Either someone doesn’t believe how close she can be to amputation or is denial. Either way her leg is dying and I can only enforce so much. I need full support to back me up. I’m truly exhausted and have to back off for my own sanity. At that age Im told brain cells are leaving and you cannot change them. You can just do what you can. It will be okay somehow. Do what you can to preserve you and your immediate family. Mom is going to be mom.
My uncle did the same thing to my aunt............ignored his diabetes and turned it into HER problem, living on his recliner & refusing to even get up to use the bathroom. She enabled him, naturally, feeding him to his heart's content *because he'd get MAD if she didn't* and yada yada. He wound up dying of cirrhosis of the liver as a result, but ruined her life for the past 20 years. She's now too old to enjoy what's left of HER life, due to his selfish behavior & her enabling it. She now says she 'should have' placed him in Skilled Nursing 'long ago'. Take a lesson from that story, my friend, before it's too late.
Don't short change her or you...or you son...it is time to make the right decision for all involved.
Does she have household responsibilities, is she expected to contribute and does she do that or in an effort to take care of her and make her old age easier do you and your son take care of everything?
Since my mom is getting older, living alone was making my sister and I worry more. All the what ifs came into play - what if she fell, what if she got sick. There were more concerns of her living alone at 81. She was also lonely.
So when I bought my house in 2018, it happens to be a rambler where everything is on one level for her, my sister, my mom and i sat down and talked it out and it made sense. Financially - it made sense also. The townhome she lived in raised the HOAs to almost $300 from $150 a month.
We did ask her if she wanted to live in an independent living complex and she quickly said no.
She has requested to pay some of the utilities and does and helps with groceries. But so does my son.
There are some things she does - she will fold laundry. My son and I both take the laundry up and down the steps to wash and dry it. She also loads and unloads the dishwasher.
I have had my dog for 9 years and she has actually watched for a weekend or a week when I had mission trips to go on. the younger dog is my son's dog that he got over the summer (before she moved in). so she was used to both dogs.
She is now at my brother’s house because she pitted me against siblings and due to her chronic criticism and theirs I finally had enough and said well, if I am doing everything so wrong go live somewhere else, like your son’s house. My brother didn’t help but is a know it all!
Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I no longer have a relationship with my family. Do I miss them? I miss having a family but not the agony.
I don’t want to discourage you but it usually doesn’t improve. End the agony. Make other living arrangements for your mom. I waited much too long before I put a stop to it. I hit my threshold of pain and hit my breaking point.
I am relieved and moving forward with resuming my life.
Why did she opt to move in with you?
Since my mom is getting older, living alone was making my sister and I worry more. All the what ifs came into play - what if she fell, what if she got sick. There were more concerns of her living alone at 81.
So when I bought my house in 2018, it happens to be a rambler where everything is on one level for her, my sister, my mom and i sat down and talked it out and it made sense.
We did ask her if she wanted to live in an independent living complex and she quickly said no.
I can understand how frustrating it is to have someone try to micromanage you. My family has a saying to humorously tell the offender to back down..."Can I have my shirt back, please?" I'm not sure how it started but it does help remind us that we can take care of ourselves even if it's in a different way.
Perhaps, you can find a way to diffuse her intrusions until she is out of your house?