My husband & I have taken my Mom into our home to care for her. She is a physically healthy 90 year old with some forgetfulness but otherwise has good faculties. Thing is I have caught my mom in several lies over the years and worst part is that she dismisses me and my husbands repeated requests. My dog is an escape artist and has run away more times than I can remember. I adopted her because she ran away from a previous home. I only ask that Mom does “not open the door” to retrieve packages, mail or newspaper when my husband and I are not home. We are usually not gone long but my mother continues to do so anyway. When asked she casually acts as if it’s “no big deal” or that I am over reactive. She will say “I am careful, or “I don’t remember you saying that” or “the dog isn’t nearby when I open the door” or “she hasn’t gotten out anytime with me”. At any rate she continues to do so. When she does say “it won’t happen again” a day or week may pass & we will come home to find packages inside the house, mail etc. This has been going on now for years. I find myself raising my voice and then feeling badly of self. I don’t know what else to say or do. I have tried & tried to no avail.
As far as her saying she will not let this happen again frankly it’s just old at this point. It’s like she just doesn’t get it or give a damn. Same thing with “please don’t feed dogs from table or human food Mom”. They have allergies. We find her sneaking them food repeatedly only to say “but they want some”. The excuses are endless in both regards the door & the food. I really am at a loss at this point. How do I get through to make her understand it’s not about being “careful” near an open door or that the dog isn’t nearby her etc. Just please don’t do it.
Life changes. We as people change. Once we have flown the nest very hard to go back. Parents look at us as children, not so much the adults we have become. You agreed years ago that Mom would live with you that was at a time when you probably didn't understand what Mom would be like in the years to come. Now you have to admit that this arrangement does not work anymore. If Mom has money, may be a good idea to place her in an AL.
So what?
That does not mean that you have to house her or provide care for her, does it?
Why did you think that taking such a difficult person into your home would be a good idea?
What plans have you made for her to move elsewhere, since clearly this is not working for you and your family?
It's your house. You get to decide who lives there.
You have no way to predict what part of her brain hears facts accurately and what part distorts or erases.
Nothing you’ve tried, or will try, can change what you experience now. She isn’t fabricating “excuses”- she can’t.
She “doesn’t get it”, and her motives aren’t relevant.
If you have decided to refuse your opportunities to investigate Alternative living placements, you will need to stop attempting to rely on her to meet you expectations, since she won’t, because she can’t.
Please start developing a management process with regard for YOUR NEEDS. Attempting to develop your life plan with her in the middle of the circle is NOT working FOR YOU.
I started providing her treats she could give to my dogs, a small dish and she can give them all of them but, I don't let my dogs beg at the table, so I actually get after the dogs when she calls them to be fed at the table. It upsets her and I tell her, they know better than to beg at the table. Doesn't change her actions but, keeps me from having my dogs doing things I won't stand for and makes her responsible for getting them in trouble. It actually makes her an unsafe human in my dogs eyes but, dogs are greedy guts:-)
I have German Shepard's and they puke when their diets get changed, so I told her I would be putting it in her pillow if she gave them anything besides their food and treats. This was the most effective thing so far.
I would lock the dogs up when you leave. You say you aren't gone long, so this will be fine for them. They will probably feel safer anyway.
If you are going to keep mom with you, you are going to have to modify what you do to protect your dogs. She has proven that she is going to open the door and feed the dogs, for whatever reason that is, protecting your dogs will make you feel better.
Good luck!
It might save you from the heartache of loosing a pet.
You might consider cameras for when mom is home alone to see what she is up to. It can give you a heads up when she is no longer able to be alone and help you see her interaction with delivery folks etc.
She is past the time to take instruction from you. You are causing yourself extra stress.
You will have more luck asking the dog not to beg and to not run out the door.
If there is a dog park nearby, that might be fun to take mom and the dog and let her watch the dogs run and play.
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