My husband moved his father in right after we got married 6 years ago, actually before I even moved in. I moved from the states to Canada to be with him. He told me it would be temporary and a few years ago, he told me it was permanent. My husband is gone for work 3 months at a time, so I'm the one who is around my FIL all the time. I have a teen son from another relationship and I feel guilty for feeling this way being that he took on my son. Whenever I try to tell my husband how I feel, we have a fight. His father is an alcoholic. The only rule my husband gave him is not to be drunk outside of his room. My FIL let's his trash and liquor bottles pile up in his room and I or my son has to take it out. FIL burps with his mouth open constantly and says it's the only way to get the gas out. It took a few years to even get him to say excuse me. He leaves hall lights on and won't take responsibility for it. He talks through movies and I recently told my husband I'm not watching a movie with him in the room anymore. If I ask my husband something during a conversation, my FIL will try to answer or if I'm trying to talk to my son about something, he will put his 2 cents in. My FIL has problems walking and he can get better if he tried but he makes excuses. We even got a treadmill. He won't shower and I've never seen him brush his teeth. I'm the one who takes care of him most of the time. It feels like I married his father instead of my husband. Even my MIL (they have been divorced since he was little) told my husband that he needs to go to a home or assisted living. I never have the house to myself bc he's always there. My husband now wants to buy a home (we have been renting) and I'm so scared to make that commitment when his father is going to live with us. Even though my FIL doesn't take care of himself, his health is somehow getting better based on his test results and I'm scared he's going to live another 10-20 years. I've been stressed out about this for a long time. I even was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder a few years after he moved in and I think it's due to stress. I'm scared to bring this up to my husband again. Scared that he will choose his father over me. I resent my FIL for not having a retirement plan and not giving us time to be a married couple. Im now resenting my husband for letting this go on. My son is 17 now and at some point, he will move out after college but my FIL will still be here. I don't want to have another kid while my FIL lives with us. My husband and I talked about parents possibly having to live with us one day before we got married but I had no idea that it would be right away and forever. My FIL is in his mid 70s. Pretty sure he's a narcissist. He can be very nice but I can definitely see the signs. I feel like I'm being selfish. The anger and guilt due to the anger and having to keep how I feel to myself to avoid a fight is killing me. I can't go back to my parents. They are retired living in an RV in Florida. I want my marriage to work but I don't know how much more I can take. I feel awful for thinking this way but I find myself wishing he would just pass away. FIL doesn't care about his health and he doesn't care how that affects me. My husband wants me to be nice to his father and come to him about any complaints but when I do, he doesn't do anything about it. He says his father is set in his ways. I can tell he is tired of his father's ways too but he won't do anything about it. I just want privacy. When my son is at school and my husband is gone at work, I still don't have the house to myself. I didn't get married to become a caregiver. Am I wrong? I don't know what to do.
And speaking of pigs, I feel like you were sold a pig in a poke.
Your son is not baggage, or a burping slob that needs daily cleaning up after. He came along with you as a package deal, like my daughter came with me. Your husband knew that beforehand, you didn't spring it on him as a surprise. You had good intentions and I question his.
You have nothing to feel guilty about and every reason to confront the man you married. I'd be enraged if this were me, and I'd have instigated a lot of "discussions" long ago. It's not your job to sit quietly by and accept whatever crumbs this man throws you while you care for a drunken sot all the time.
Wishing you the best of luck demanding your voice finally be heard in this marriage. You deserve that respect.
Any man that would put his father before his wife, is no man at all.
I'm sorry that you drew the short end of the straw when it came to picking a spouse and are now reaping the negative consequences of doing so.
Your son sure doesn't need to be exposed to an alcoholic daily, nor do you.
It's time to tell hubby that enough is enough. That it's either you or his father.
But don't be too surprised when he once again takes his father over you, like he did before you got married. So be prepared to file for a divorce and get on with your life, as life is too short to be miserable.
So your husband took on your son. So what? He doesn’t deserve a medal for that. I mean get real. Give the man a cookie.
You need to make some decisions here. We have a poster here named Golda and her mother lived until *109* years old.
Do not buy a house with your husband. Do not have a child with your husband. This is my advice. I think you need to leave. Either take you and your son on a vacation for 7-10 days or just leave. Stay with a girlfriend or move back to the states.
Nothing is going to change until you change it.
Your husband is no prize— he is a dollar a dozen person who is putting his father’s wants over his wife’s needs.
And why are you still there?
Pack your things and get out.
I am not one to typically jump to the D word but after 6 years nothing is going to change.
Have you tried telling your husband that this is no longer working and his Dad has to go to assisted living ? That this is making you physically ill ?
Perhaps a marriage counselor could help . It’s also not fair to ask you or your son to live with an alcoholic and clean up after him . Maybe going to Al-Anon would help your husband see , this is not fair . This is not sustainable as it is .
Give us updates on how you are doing .
No one escapes a dysfunctional home life with no wounds.
It isn’t a ‘divorce threat’, it’s lifestyle choice. Or you could just tell DH that's what you are planning to do, because you don't want to live with FIL. His previous replies aren't OK with you.
Even McDonalds pays $20 an hour. Find a room to rent with son and get out of slavery for a disgusting old man. Your husband doesn't care about you, you are wasting time you will never get back.
Let husband deal with Dad's care. You are being totally USED!
Go to work and enjoy other people’s company and your independence. 3 months is a fair amount of time to get a plan in motion. Leave before husband comes home. You don’t deserve this life. Go get a better one. Gook luck. Keep us posted.
See All Answers