I'm having a little bit of anxiety today. My mom’s brother who has Parkinson’s is dying. I'm nervous about what is ahead for my mom.
Hi everyone. My cousin called yesterday about my Uncle Eddie, 96 with Parkinson’s like my mom. He’s in a veteran home (WW11 and Korea) in New Jersey far away from us but we’ve stayed close by phone. He hasn’t been able to visit in a while due to his age and illness. He and mom were very close growing up and throughout their lives.
It was so sweet that my cousin called and let mom speak to her brother to tell him that she loved him and that he was the best brother in the world to her. He couldn’t respond back but my cousin said he perked up when he heard her voice.
Mom is accepting his impending fate but of course she is sad. I know it is causing her to think of her own mortality. I love her and it hurts to see this final chapter in their lives. My cousin said that he told the hospice nurse that he is ready to die and meet the Lord. That was comforting to my mom to know that he is at peace and is in no pain. They are giving him morphine to keep him comfortable.
I fully know that one day I will have to go through this with my mother and while I don’t want her to suffer I get afraid of not being able to let go and cause her grief by hanging on. I did that with my mother in law because we were very close and her doctor told me that I had to give her permission to die because she was hanging on for me. I had to force myself to let her go. I really don’t want to be selfish with mom when her time comes.
Please tell me that I will find strength and grace when my mom’s time is near to leave this world. How common is this? We are caught in the middle of everything, wanting to live our own lives, yet still wanting to be there for them as long as needed. Why is this so hard for me? Is this normal to have such mixed emotions?
How will I even know she is dying? Will I go into denial like I did with my mother in law many years ago?
"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength." Corrie ten Boom
Genuine concern about something legitimate is normal but excess worry is truly not helpful. It’s a learned experience. My parents fell into excessively worrying.
I was born and raised Catholic. Went to a Catholic Boarding School
(my Mom died when I was 11 and my Dad died 4 years later, no one to care for sister and myself so off to boarding school...whole 'nuther story there)
But it seems the church and I do not see eye to eye on several major points so I am now a non-practicing Catholic.
I do believe that you are given strength when it is needed, or you get strength when it is needed. It may have always been there but we seldom push ourselves to such limits unless we have to.
I do believe that when a door closes another opens. You just have to be prepared to look for that open door..or do we push ourselves that we force another door to open, or possibly make a door where none existed. Again we push ourselves!
There is a Higher power that guides us, we just have to be willing to walk a path that we may never have taken in order to find that path. And you have to TRUST and for many that is difficult to do it is a form of surrender and again very difficult to do. Surrender not in giving up but surrender in allowing help in any form.
When caring for my Husband I always to the CNA and the Nurse that I was ruled by 2 major organs in my body. My Brain and my Heart. When it was time for my Husband to die, I would want my brain to rule and give him permission to go where my Heart would want him to stay. (Like I had a whole lot of influence in that area!) As difficult as it was Brain won, Heart broke.
We are much stronger than we think we are.
For most of us that are caring for loved ones with long illness is it not selfish to want the illness, the pain to continue just so we can have a few more days? As much as it pained me to tell my Husband that I would be alright and that he could go be with his Mom and Dad and meet my parents this was not the man I fell in love with, the vibrant laughing husband and father I knew for over 35 years, this was a shell.
Again Brain won, Heart broke.
I too am Catholic and while I find beauty in the church I am also aware that no church is perfect. There are no perfect people, therefore in my opinion, there is no perfect church. Indeed the church has it’s flaws. You get no judgement from me, just know that. It is your business only. It’s between you and God. I believe in offering help if it’s asked of me but I suppose I would not ever be called a ‘preacher.’ The best teaching is by a example.
I often think of St. Frances who simply walked in the town square and that was his way of evangelizing. He was drastically different from St. Paul, wasn’t he? I get St. Paul though. He was so passionate in his preaching. Different styles and neither is right or wrong.
Yeah, I get the heart and brain thing. I feel more or less the same way. Thanks for a beautiful, honest response.
I have been in more than one “care experience” for people whom I’ve cherished in the past, and this one, of all of them, has been by far the hardest, partially because of a terrible breach of confidence between the two of us who are responsible for her care.
My “bad thoughts” are because I love this last part of my younger life so. My “good thoughts” are because I know absolutely that, although she is no doubt reaching for Heaven, she loves me too. Plenty of mood swings in between these feelings.
I love her in the here and now as much as I’m possibly able to. I bring my grandson, her namesake, as often as I can, keep her in peppermints, tease her about getting her hair done, silly normal stuff, but the best way I can think of to tell her “Thank you for whom you have been in my life, and Thank You who you are right now”.
What you are doing now and what you continue to do as life gets tougher will sustain you both as matters get tougher.
Hugs, prayers, and strength to you.
I think all of us who have been through this have found this to be true, and we can assure you that you will find it to be true as well. You may look inside yourself today and find your courage lacking. But do not fear. When that day comes, the courage will be there. It's called grace. Just take each day as it comes. You'll do. 💖
I thank you for responding and find your answer to be truly comforting. We lose sight of things at times.
I took care of both my parents until the end. dad and mom died three weeks apart. And some how some way I was able to handle that also.
I never thought I was strong enough to get thru it but I was. when I felt like I couldn't go on another minute I looked at my parents and knew my time was limited with them so I found the strength to go on and show them the love I had for them both, every minute of every day till they both passed in my arms.
I would do it all over again if I had to.
I miss both of them so much, that is the part I am having trouble with. living without them. that is the worst pain for me.
my husband is in remission now from the cancer and his parkinsons is beginning to take a toll on him. As my parents I will do what I need to do for my husband even when I think I cant go on.
I will find the strength to go on for him...
and when the time comes, you too will find the strength..........
good luck.......
Your plate was overflowing! I do think you are incredibly strong or on autopilot. Two parents sick is a tough challenge. Some people would break with the challenges you have faced. I am glad your husband is in remmison. It’s so hard with someone that is close to you. It’s kind of like watching a medical procedure on television of someone that we don’t know. It doesn’t have the same effect as if we know someone with illness or disease. It is hard. I find that I pray an awful lot. I have always prayed but these situations can bring a person closer to God. Thanks for your support.
Psalm 34:18
" The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. "
I do not know what your faith system is around what happens when we die, or whether you are familiar with what the Bible says on the matter. But there is a Scripture that is so comforting that it actually tells us to "comfort one another with these words." So I would like to share them with you. I hope it helps.
1 Thessalonians 4:14 KJV
For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
1 Thessalonians 4:15-18 KJV
For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. [16] For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: [17] Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. [18] Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
First, notice it calls death a "sleep." That's comforting, isn't it? Your loved one isn't suffering in any way. She is awaiting the resurrection, which will take place when the Lord returns, at which time we will all be together with Him.
So don't be afraid. The separation of death is temporary, not permanent.
Yet when I asked the hospice nurse if my brother was afraid when he was dying, she told me that he wasn’t because he believed in an afterlife. I was afraid for him but he wasn’t. Somehow I began to accept the reality and let go but I doubt myself all the time about changes. Or I guess I could say, I question things a lot before I settle down.
Just know that all of Us will get there One Day, And with God's Guidance, We all Find a Way...
I think that you two should "celebrate" your uncle, her brother. What was his favorite food? Maybe make a dinner and have a few of his favorite things and let your mom tell some family stories that maybe you have not heard about before. (If possible please record these)
When a loved one is dying it is the rest of the family and friends that have a difficult time. Your uncle, your Mom, your aunt all seemed to have lived a wonderful, rich lives. Rejoice in that.
When it is time for you to go through this with your Mom you will just tell it is alright for her to go that you will be alright, that she did a great job raising you to be a strong independent person. And thank her for all that she has given you,
No it is not easy but would she want to live in a manner inconsistent with her life? I know for me with my Husband ...no I did not want him to die but to have him continue a life that he would not have wanted would not have been fair to him. So, as much as it broke my heart I told him I would be alright and that he could go when he was ready, I asked him to say HI to my Mom and Dad and to give them a hug for me.
Every day give your Mom a hug and tell her you love her.
Your answer touched my heart!
I did that with mom. You read my mind. We have been celebrating my uncles’s life. My mom has special memories and has told wonderful stories. I’m thinking of doing an ancestry dna thing while mom is still around too. I think it would be interesting.
Awhile back she chewed out a cop for giving her a speeding ticket! Can you imagine? I wish they hadn’t renewed it though. Not sure a 96 year old should still drive. She passed the eye test but they didn’t make her do a driving test. I think after a certain age that should be required. She drives a new car! I’m telling you she had the most uplifting positive attitude of any elderly person that I know.
She cooks and cleans for the elderly people in her senior apartment community. She drives them to church and the grocery store. I don’t think I would get in the car with her anymore!
My cousin just called. My Uncle Eddie died peacefully this morning. My mom was so glad that she got to say that she loved him one last time.
Wow! He lived to be 96. He was a good man. He volunteered at his church well into his 80’s. Helped care for an elderly neighbor until neighbor died. He was married over 50 years (Aunt Marion died many years ago), raised five kids. Played the guitar beautifully. Served in WW11 and Korea. Was a great brother to my mom and aunt. Wonderful Uncle to me. Numerous grandkids and great grandkids. Wonderful son to my grandparents. And so much more. Sorry if I am boring anyone but just remembering his life.
Please share are your favorite memories of your loved ones with others. I did not know my paternal grandparents (died before I was born) but my dad always made me feel like I knew them because he shared beautiful memories with me, especially about his mother. He always told me that I had her beautiful blue eyes. They were Scottish and Irish and daddy said I looked like his mom. I loved when he told me that. It was so special that he kept their memories alive for us. We had two beautiful quilts that she made. I had hoped to own them one day but they were destroyed in Hurricane Katrina like everything else. My daddy cherished those quilts.
Can any of you you share a memory of a family member, neighbor, best friend, etc on this page please? I’d love to read those. I think it’s important to remember and honor those we loved. They do remain alive in our hearts.
Yes, we move forward and those who died would want us to but today especially my Uncle Eddie is on my mind and in my heart.
You know he left New Orleans many years ago. He missed the food! He would cook some of my grandma’s recipes for his family and as a treat I would send him pralines and king cake. Oh how he loved that. It’s Mardi Gras season again here in New Orleans and I think when hubby gets home from work I will go and buy my mother a king cake (special Mardi Gras desert) and we will eat a piece for my Uncle Eddie! He’d like that.
This cousin, Ann, is such a positive person and is always a delight to speak with.
She is 96 years old! She lives about an hour away from me in a senior apartment community and takes care of her neighbors by cooking for them and showing them love!
While I don’t get to see her very much anymore, we speak on the phone. We used to get together quite often.
We love to remeber good times and she recently sent me several old photographs of my family that I absolutely cherish. It’s a little thing that we all could do for others. This meant so much to me because all of our family photos were destroyed in hurricane Katrina. She had packed her photos up before evacuating the city. She wanted me to have them. They are the only photos I have of myself as a baby and growing up.
This lady is such a hoot! She is 96 and in great shape and loves to talk about what she is doing in the future! No, “God willing” talk from her or anything. She behaves like she will live to be 100 and she just might!
A few months ago she stated "I'll never see my brother again". I took my phone and within 10 minutes had arranged a 2 day visit to see him. It is a 1 hr flight to where he lives, we could UBER to to the Holiday Inn that is actually ON THE PREMISES of the retirement villa. She could see him for a few hours, sleep in the hotel and be home within 24 hours. Sis and I would accompany her.
Faced with the reality that this could actually happen--she balked. She didn't really want to see him, she wants to complain and be felt sorry for.
There's no way our elders can think that they aren't going to lose parents, siblings, even children. Death is the great equalizer.
I have been gentle with mother and made the calls for her to her brother and then left her to talk in private. As sad as it makes us, we have to let out LO feel what they are going to feel.
For mother that will be a LOT of guilt as she NEVER ONCE went to visit either of her siblings, ever. My cousin died a month ago and my youngest sister didn't even know this woman had existed. Sad.
Be kind to your mom. I lost a brother, and tho I was by no means sad (too long backstory) I let mother grieve and didn't cut her sorrow by bringing up past hurts and such. She needed to grieve her "golden boy". I just gritted my teeth.
If you can facilitate another call or even a videochat with uncle-that may be nice-or it may be awful, You make the call on that.
Life gets complicated, doesn’t it? My mom wasn’t like your mom as far as the relationship with her brother. They were extremely close as kids. My Uncle Eddie was a great brother throughout her life and she was a wonderful sister to him. It wasn’t a one way street. They called each other the same amount. They visited when possible.
She was also very close to her sister. who lived near us. She was my favorite aunt that I spent a lot of time with growing up. She died when I was a teenager.
Her sister was a lovely person as well.
My aunt died years ago in her 40’s in my mother’s arms at the hospital. My aunt asked her to prop her pillow up and she fell backwards into my mother’s arms and was gone, just that quick. Was horrible, kidney failure. She had only been in the hospital for a couple of weeks. My aunt had already lost her husband to cancer. They had two kids who then came to live with us.
I lost my oldest brother too. He lived a hard life and it caught up to him. Horrible to bury a child and my mom grieved as well. My brother had his issues. I truly tried to help him all that I could. Finally had to cut him off but did make peace with him before he died and totally forgave him. He was sorry for his past behavior.
I feel badly that mom is losing her brother. She will miss him. They have longevity, he is 96 and she is 93! I gave her a hug and she smiled. She has accepted it. She was glad that she got to speak with him on the phone to say goodbye, say that she loved him and told him that he was the best brother in the world to her. Was a sweet moment for them.
I don’t know. I became so sad thinking about the day that I will have to accept the inevitable when it’s her time. You know what I mean, when someone is dying it makes you think about our own mortality and losing those closest to us.
It’s really sad that you planned a reunion for your mom and her brother and she balked. Know what you mean about some people want others to pity them instead of taking advantage of a wonderful opportunity. What are they thinking?
My grandma said many wise things. I adored her. One of my favorites were to give her flowers when she’s living so she can enjoy them. My grandma truly enjoyed life. My grandfather not only planted a rose garden for her, but hydrangeas, lillies, azaleas, baby’s breath, a beautiful garden! She never went without flowers on the table. It was lovely.
Take care midkid, and if you ever want to pm me about your brother, please do. I promise I will understand. I’ve been there and it’s hard.
I am going to take you to task, you feel you failed your mom because you and your siblings aren't close, stop taking responsibility for their actions. A person can only do so much, that you take credit for the failure just bugs the crap out of me. They choose not to be involved with you and their mom, how does that make you responsible?
I am sorry that your uncle is passing but Praise The Lord your mom was able to say goodbye and somewhat prepare her heart. It is a blessing they got to say goodbye and as believers the separation is temporary, as it will be when your mom passes.
It is never easy to watch death take a loved one but it can be a beautiful experience and knowing it is for a short time can help ease the loss. You need to find out who you are outside of the caregiver you have been for 14 years, that is probably as scary to face as anything. It's like retiring and not knowing who you are as a person, it takes time and adjustment. You can do it!
I’ve told you this before but I’ll say it again. I’ve always felt a connection to you in a positive way. I resonate with how you think. I so appreciate everything you’ve told me and it hits home.
Your words center me to back where I need to be. Guess I slip sometimes and feel the GUILT of feeling that I haven’t done all that I could as best as could and I have to snap myself out of that and know that I am not responsible for others, nor do I have the power to change anyone.
Thanks for reminding me. I know my family, hubby and kids are there for me and I definitely don’t want that not to be enough for me because it is. I’m blessed to have them. I don’t want to take them for granted or feel cheated that I can’t have an ‘ideal’ situation. Most of us don’t live ideal lives.
I can count on you and many others on this forum to set me straight. Thanks from the bottom of my heart!
i think that I have received a lot of help with the Hospice counselor that I see regularly. My LO (cousin who I am responsible for) went on Hospice a few months ago and I really think the social worker has helped me with processing things. I'm a super private person, but, I have really opened up with her and cried my eyes out. She's helped me put some things into perspective. I hope to carry this growth into other losses that I will suffer, such as my own parents, though, I know that will be a different kind of loss, which I dread tremendously.
I think that reading experiences from others on this site is also so helpful. It's hard to do at times, but, does help me as well.
It is so hard to think about losing those we love. Oh, I know that death is a natural part of life. I’m blessed to have her for this long. She’s 93!
My heart aches for parents who lose young children or people who lose a loved one to violent crimes. So I have to start focusing on the positive. My mind wanders about stuff and I have to reel myself back in. This forum does help put things back in perspective. Thanks again.
We are all of us pretty helpless when it comes to the reality of death. Those who are blessed with faith find strength and hope through it; but even so, with or without faith, we have no choice in the matter. When death comes, nothing human can make a difference.
Do you think your emotions are mixed, really? You are sad because your uncle is so ill and he is so important to your mother, and apprehensive about how your mother will take it when he's gone, and therefore sensitive to your own apprehensions about how you can possibly cope when the time comes that you have to.
But I don't think there's anything mixed about it. Simply, these are people you love, and seeing them hurt or losing them is terrible.
Your experience with your MIL must have been very painful. Still, you did find strength and grace, and you did let her go, and she found peace. I'm not sure what anyone can say that is both true and comforting, but I think you are going to have to trust yourself. Heaven knows how, and I don't even know what coping "well" would look like, but time passes and you get through each day as best you can.
Meanwhile, here is your mother in need of a loving daughter, today! I'm so happy for her and for your uncle that they had that conversation. Don't forget that the older people are, the greater their experience of everything that life can throw at a person. Wishing comfort to the whole family.
I know I do all that I can for mom. There is one area that she is sad about and I know it’s because she was always close to her brother. She hates that I am not as close to my brothers. I have tried, really I have but I can’t be miserable just to please my mother either.
She is seeing things for herself because I learned to back off and not put myself in the middle of everything. Have to say I wish I had done that sooner. But live and learn.
I used to feel responsible if they didn’t call mom because I hadn’t reminded them. It drove me crazy and hurt me because she was hurting if they ignored her. Then I said to myself, ENOUGH!
She says she understands that my brothers and I will not be a ‘close knit’ family after she dies but I know it bothers her. It’s the one area that I feel I have failed her.
I have told her that her brother showed her love, respect and appreciation. I have been taken for granted by my brothers. Oh well, I suppose things will fall into place somehow.
I’m just realizing that maybe the reason I feel like I sometimes cling onto to my mom so much is because I know when she’s gone I won’t have any close relationships left in my family. Any thoughts? How do families deal with unresolved issues?