She’s leaving her home and bank accounts to him. My house is 65years old falling apart. What do I say to her to stop being her caretaker? I never agreed to be her caretaker. Shes rude and demanding to me. Leaving me nothing in her will. I was promised house so I did everything for her. Now I learned brother gets everything and was told by him mom wants me to stop asking her for the home I was promised. But I am to continue to be her caretaker. What should I do? Just stop going to help her? Look like a cold hearted monster? Or only go once a week? I’m the only one that visits her 95% of the time she tells me what I need to bring her or bake for her. Then the chores She wants done when I get there. And my rich brother gets to make all the decisions and gets everything. He said we can talk after she passes. He has never liked me so chances are I will get nothing. Do I keep helping her or walk away? Do I tell her why I’m done? Or take my chances and feel completely used if I get nothing in return.? Honestly I may inherit $10.00 if it’s up to her and him. I think I need to walk away. Am I wrong to leave her alone. Or will that get there attention? She’s always been mean to me I don’t want to take it for nothing anymore.
Pack your bags.
Move back home.
If mom needs a caregiver and she refuses to pay for someone to come in you can report a "vulnerable senior" to APS or your local Senior Service Center (they typically have Social Workers that do some of the investigations for the APS or Elder Abuse hotline calls. (Elder Abuse hot line is also for reporting a Senior that is having problems with Self Care it is not just abuse by others)
You are under no obligation to care for mom for free. If she wishes to pay you and you wish to work for her then get a Caregiver Contract. That will save you a lot of problems later.
If they won't agree to a contract, and if your brother is her PoA, then inform him that in 1 (or 2) weeks you will stop all help and block her number because you no longer wish to do it for free. Make sure he understands (in writing, like an email or text so that there's proof you warned him) that he will now have to pay an in-home aid (a total stranger who it will be a headache to manage from afar) or he needs to transition your Mom into a facility, if she's willing to go.
Hopefully he will see that paying you is by far the smarter strategy but you have to keep your hours to strictly 40-ish or you will still be taken advantage of. If I were you I'd insist he then pays you up front for the next month's worth of care (to prove they're really willing to do). This would be a deal breaker for me, otherwise he will likely string you along on your hopes of getting paid.
You asked if this makes you look like a monster... If you care what other people think about you, then yes, you will look like a greedy person. I think at least you are honest that you're only in it for the money. At least your boundaries are clear.
That is a very poor investment strategy, in all truth.
Generally, when you give care to the elderly you move from being the DD (darling daughter) to being the CAREGIVER and no one likes caregivers. Caregivers tend to be bossy, critical, and full of advice no one wants to hear. So they become the "enemy" or the one who is blamed.
So here is a SURE BET for you.
Send Mom a lovely note: Say this.....................
Hi Mom,
I want you to know I am getting a part time job because things are tight for me here; I will be caring for an elderly woman for about 3 hours three days a week with housekeeping, cooking, shopping and appointments. She is paying me 35.00 an hour cash each day I am working.
So I have to tell you I just have limitations such that I cannot continue in caring for YOU for FREE.
If you would like me to come by then it's cash on the barrelhead. I will give you a break. Only 30.00 per hour with three hour minimum. Let me know so I can work you into my busy schedule.
If you can find someone cheaper, that's great. Otherwise I need advance notice of one week ahead and cash payment on the days I work.
Love to you.
MessKatt.
That would be my recommend. Otherwise just tell her you don't think she's a very nice woman and don't wish to see her any more.
Or keep doing what you are doing and understand it is your CHOICE.
Since you have no POA so no say, then I would inform brother and Mom that they need to hire an aide to care for Mom because you are giving notice. Seems you are being used. By leaving may affect your relationship with brother and Mom, but you will have your dignity.
Look for a job if you need one to make up for the loss of the house that you were expecting to receive, and work on getting your finances in order without calculating the house into the mix. I know that's hard but at least you know now, ahead of time, rather than learning after her death that the house won't be yours. I know a couple who spent years providing dedicated part-time care and were promised the inheritance of the house, but then didn't receive it because the relatives never revised their will. It was a financial hit as well as an emotional betrayal.
It never ceases to amaze me what people put up with all in the name of a supposed inheritance.
And don't worry about looking like a "cold hearted monster" when you stop looking after your mother, because anyone who only helps someone because of a supposed inheritance and not because they love and care about them, in my book already is pretty cold hearted.
Mom knows that if she "promised you her home" and has now broken that promise, you would not be happy. Thus she cannot expect you to be her caregiver slave for free anymore. Nip it in the bud NOW.
Let Rich Brother deal with Mom's demands. Mom tells you "what she needs, or chores she wants done" when you show up to visit? You aren't her personal slave, cook or maid. You are being totally used. Send Rich Brother a short email, giving your notice that your services for Mom are no longer available as of X date.
When Mom calls to complain, tell her the truth: You never agreed to be her caregiver or housekeeper. You have to earn a living.
Ask yourself:
Did Mom take care of her own elderly parents (free) back in the day?
Don't feel bad, my older brother (who never held a job) that lived with my Mom inherited her entire $800,000 paid off house. The 4 daughters that worked full time got nothing. This doesn't surprise me.
Let Brother hire agency caregivers (and a housekeeper) to help Mom, since he controls her money. Since you say your Mom has always been mean to you, don't agree to work for her even for pay. Don't trust him to "talk later" either.
Plan your future accordingly.
A sad truth for many.
Has mom helped you out over the years and she’s trying to balance things?
I think it is harsh for mom not to explain why she is asking you for help at the same time she is letting you know there is a will that leaves you out if that is truly the case.
Why not have a conversation where you explain that it is hurtful to know this is what’s going on, ask if it is true. Tell her that he has now told you to stop asking about it. Why is she asking him to speak to you like some sort of authority figure?
Can’t she speak for herself? There is.no quicker way to see that your children don’t have a relationship than what she has been accused of doing.
Ask her what is going on that she has things set up this way? You don’t want to think you weren’t loved by your mother after she is dead and gone, you want to know now why she made such a decision. You don’t want his version.
Tell her you need to get a job and won’t be coming by except for emergencies. If she wants to hire you, then you will consider her offer. Thank her for telling you the truth if she does.
With the cost of care your mom may well not own a house free and clear by the time she passes. Her bank accounts and any assets should go for her care. I’ve seen others who promised this or that to kids not realizing they would no longer own those things by the time they died. But to willfully set things up this way is cruel.
How old is mom? Why does she need care? A few errands here and there can turn into 24/7 caregiving and the loss of your own life for years. It is not worth doing for an inheritance if you need one. There are no guarantees. Best to get busy with a job you can leave at the end of the day and make your own way.
Have a talk with mom and let us know how it goes. Find out if what brother said is true.
It was the best gift she ever gave us.
And you know what else? You should be paid for what you are doing for her and reimbursed for your expenses. You should demand compensation.
You are not wrong to feel the way you do. Inheritances are about much more than the money. It is also about how you are valued in your family and a sense of betrayal on being overlooked. If your mother is exploiting you in this way, shame on her frankly.
They both let you know how they feel. I’d start taking care of myself & let brother worry about mother.
Accept that relations are dysfunctional and step out of this and make a life for yourself. Doing so now will give you time to set up the alternatives for your parent; this will give you the peace of mind that you have acted rightly, responsibly, and are not a monster.
Blessings.