The wife is the caregiver and says "I'm ready to put you in a home," screams and berates him when he has accidents. About 6 months ago, she claimed she got "so mad" she kicked him in the lower back as he walked away and he fell. He is in kidney failure, almost blind, and has Parkinson's-like symptoms. The wife reported this week that he told her he's ready to put a gun to his head and end it (she has also confirmed that he does not have access to a gun). The wife lost her adult son 3 years ago and struggles with depression. I'm so concerned for my relative. When any of the family asks him how he's doing, he says everything is fine. His daughter and his younger sister are aware of all of this, and the wife confides in them. No one is taking any action, though. I am ready to step in, but I'm not sure how.
Have YOU ever witnessed any of the issues of which you write? If not, tread carefully and don't make accusations you can't support.
Why are the daughter and younger sister not taking action? Think about that seriously before you step into this situation.
I'm assuming there's NO help in the home at all? Or that none of the family have raised the issue of getting help for both of them? Including the daughter and younger sister? Would they help if they had guidance and were asked, or are they nonparticipatory?
Before calling anyone, I'd spend some quiet time with her, perhaps at a luncheon or someplace away from home, and try to sort out where she could use help, i.e., with home chores, with care for her husband, etc. Try to work out a care plan; if you need help or guidelines, just say so. Others here have gone through similar challenges.
And ask what she feels are the most challenging roles, i.e., caring for her husband, medical trips and appointments, house maintenance, etc. Divide them in categories, and ask where she thinks she could use help. Sometimes just hiring Molly Maid or a similar company can help alleviate the burden of housework.
And a doctor prescribed home aide can help him with personal care.
Are you familiar with any home care agencies and their roles? With home PT or OT?
Is he being treated for kidney failure, or is it at a terminal stage? (I'm not that familiar with kidney failure and its treatment so my question may not be appropriately asked.) Is he getting any home care through the doctor who's treating him for that?
I would also contact law enforcement and ask how to safely remove the gun. In fact, I'd do that first before anything else. You might also raise the issue of concern, i.e., that both need help, and ask for their suggestions. Some police are better at handling these issues than others, so that would have to be your guide.
I would also emphasize that the family's trying to work this out amongst themselves before considering intervention. You won't want the family torn apart.
And I think if there's any consideration of the daughter and younger sister becoming involved, now is the time for them to do that, even it if it's just in planning.