Friends will always take your side, so I'm hoping to get some guidance from people I don't know, but are in a similar situation. This will be a long read, grab a coffee.
I'm 44 years old (female), I have 2 older brothers (51 and 47). We all live in Connecticut. My son (23) and I live upstairs from my mother in the home that she and we grew up in (which she owns). My dad passed away in 2009 from combat related lung cancer due to exposure to Agent Orange. Because of the nature of his illness, my mom gets "survivor benefits" through the VA (a monthly payment and health/Rx insurance). So, her monthly income is from Social Security and the VA Survivor Benefits (she is a retired hairdresser, no pension there).
My oldest brother (single, no kids) has his own home about 40 minutes away. My middle brother (divorced, no kids) lives downstairs with my mom (moving in after his divorce 10 years ago). He comes with his own baggage and story. Prior to his divorce he was diagnosed with tonsil cancer and received radiation pellets which has made him cancer free since the surgery. Cancer made it difficult for him to swallow so for a few years he had a G-tube (feeding tube). This brother is also an alcoholic. To clarify, a hardcore alcoholic. With the G-tube he found that he could put vodka into it. This didn't go well and further spiraled his addiction out of control - leading to him being in the ICU at Yale for quite some time, his weight dropping to about 97lbs on his 5'9 frame. But, he bounced back. He had the feeding tube removed over 8 years ago, but never stopped drinking or smoking. He's been in and out of rehab across the state more times than I can count, with sobriety only lasting until he acclimates back at home. His behavior is erratic and unpredictable. He doesn't work, rarely drives and hardly gets out of bed. Needless to say, this puts an enormous mental burden on my mother (as well as my son and I). She can't "throw him out" because she would need to go through the legal system to have him evicted. Instead, she "deals" with his behavior. My son and I both work full time. While I don't pay my mother rent (obviously I pay my own utilities), I pay for the year-round yard maintenance, bring her to all of her doctor's appointments, do her shopping, balance her checkbook (after 50 years she suddenly can't do it herself), cook dinner a few times a week or take her out to dinner (if I don't cook she'll make herself popcorn or an ice cream cone!). Since I live upstairs, I'm at her beck and call 24/7.
She was recently diagnosed with COPD, Congestive Heart Failure and Sleep Apnea - adding to having had Type 2 diabetes for about 15 years. She's 73, but has herself living like an invalid. She has 1 friend left whom she rarely reaches out to (sadly, in the past 6 months she lost her best friend as well as the bf's husband and husband's sister - she was close with all of them). My mom is mentally fit. She can drive herself around town to run her own errands, but waits until the weekend when I'm around to taxi her. Selfishly, this irritates me because I work all week. When I make plans to be with my boyfriend she gets angry! I get that she's lonely, but If I make plans I have to hear how awful and selfish I am, knowing she's alone all week. She's never lived independently and has NO independence about her at all. Often she'll repeat things she's told me and talks non-stop. She has no interest in being social or going to a senior center, rather she opts to stay in the house all day then complain on the weekend that she doesn't go anywhere all week. Neither brother even attempts to help (one isn't conscience long enough and the other "needs to unwind" when he gets out of work). She'll say "Oh, maybe I'll just die then you won't have to take care of me" (if you're familiar with "The Soprano's", my mother sounds like Tony's). I've asked if she'd like to talk to someone but that makes her angrier. She's unhappy, joyless, miserable. It's draining.
I just reread your post and Mom has had a lot of loss and because of that maybe is depressed. CHF is tiring. The heart muscle can no longer pump adequately. She for now is probably taking water pills. But eventually it will mean hospital visits to drain off the water. Diabetes on top of this, Mom may be more aware of her mortality. Since diabetes effects circulation in the legs and then combine that with a heart that is not doing its job, your Mom is looking at having huge health problems in the near future. So it seems you may be "it" since ur two brothers are useless. I think you and Mom need to look to the future. She may eventually need more care than you will be able to give. She may want to turn the house over to you in case Medicaid gets involved in her care. This has to be done before a 5 year look back. (whatever it is in your State)
But all of this does not mean you don't set boundries. If anything, you start to set them now so when her health gets worse, she will allow someone else to help her. You are entitled to your life. Seems to me if you are cooking and eating out that she does see you. You take her to appts so you do have interaction. You are entitled to your life. Your weekends are yours to do what you want. One question I would ask is why her boys are allowed to do with their lives what they want but you are suppose to give up yours. She raised them and it seems she has raised selfish ones. There is no more the woman is the caregiver. Women now work to support themselves and families too. Its no longer the daughter gives up her life to care for an invalid parent.
If you stay you WILL be her de-facto 24/7 caregiver. There are a lot of dysfunctional attachments going on in that home, co-dependencies. You need to create healthy boundaries because none currently exist to protect you and your son (who is an adult too, BTW). Moving out will be the main move in reclaiming your life. If you stay you will burn out and be much less able to help her. It's not fair to you or your son. I come from an Italian-American immigrant family that had the women-take-care-of-the-elderly cultural thing. I said fuhgedaboudit. Not this girl.
If you move out, then your mom will have to deal with how to afford to stay in her house, which you will begin to see is probably more like a stone tied around her neck because it's making everyone make unhealthy, unproductive decisions. Without the house the deadbeat brother will have to get his own life. Without the house your mom can afford to maybe live in a nice senior community where she'll be with others and maybe even enjoy life again. She probably is thinking "those places" like they were in the old days: horrible and depressing where people go to be forgotten and die. Well, that's not true anymore. Without the burden of trying to "keep" the house you and your son won't be guilt-riddled indentured caregivers and can move on to make the most of your young lives. If I were you I'd start by leaving. Your mom won't like it. Your brothers won't like it. But YOU WILL like it, eventually. And so glad you did it. May you have inner strength, great wisdom and peace in your heart to do a difficult but necessary thing.
Your Mom is in the habit of depending upon you, and in all likelihood she excuses herself with "she has FREE RENT" And in fact this is true. With free rent for some years I am hopeful that you have done a good amount of saving on your own part.
My advice? Move into an apartment on your own. Disengage. Allow your Mom to rent out the upper unit where you live rent free now, or to move her son there, alleviating some of the congestion of living with an alcoholic. This would give her either relief of a son, OR rental income to help her situation, to hire cars to her appointments and so on.
You and your son deserve to get on with your lives. If Mom is 73, and you 44 I am assuming your son may be or is of age. He will want to get on with his own life now.
This is just how I would do it. I hope you will have many who will give you ideas that you can cherry pick and at least begin to think about and plan around. You clearly are a smart cookie. You have given us above a marvelously clear idea of the situation as is. And AS IS is how it will remain. You cannot change the acts or behaviors of any of the players in the drama. You are only in control of your own life.
I sure do wish you the best, welcome you to the Forum and hope to hear your updates.
The situation will not remain as it is. The situation will most assuredly get worse. Get out now.
Your 73 year old mother just made it LOUD and CLEAR to you that she absolutely expects you to be her elder care plan! Trying to dump guilt on you about living there "for free" and then the zinger about your son! She sounds like a selfish narcissist to me.
My advice is to move out ASAP!!
To not charge any rent so the person is now beholden, and that entitles the elder to demand anything they want and to treat that person as abusively as they want.
Even if she offered her mother, even demanded paying rent to her, she would refuse it. Accepting it would mean mom loses some of her power over her daughter.
Just find a new place. The poster and her son both work full-time and have lived rent-free for some time so finding a new home shouldn't put them into hardship.
No one has to tolerate being treated abusively or has to become enslaved because their family needs a caregiver and one person is singled out because that's who the ones in need of care will accept.
She can still help her brother and her mother, but at a distance. Whatever assistance she offers to give, has to be on her terms not theirs.
Mom has made you the designated caregiver and what almost always happens first is you become the whipping post for all her anger, frustration, and resentment. You also become the guilt bank for her. She's making guilt deposits into a savings account if you will that she can withdraw and use later in her time of need. She's conditioning you to make sure you don't leave and will take care of her when she becomes needy. It won't stop there either, my friend. No, it won't. You'll also be the designated caregiver for your brother too.
Think of what mom is playing at as like a wild animal out on plains. A lion for example. The lion pees on a rock and marks his territory. That place is his. He eats first before even the his own cubs. All the other lions stand down to him because that place is his. Your mom in a matter of speaking is doing the same thing. Because you live on her "ground" and don't pay rent she knows that you're beholden to her. Even if you offer to pay her rent, guaranteed she will refuse it. By accepting rent from you it gives you certain rights and lessens her power over you. So she will refuse it and by doing so entitles her to treat you with such disrespect and blatant disregard. It keeps you at her beck and call. The added guilt is an insurance policy to make sure you stay right under her foot.
Get the hell out of there as soon as you can. The longer you stay the worse it will get.
Moving away from mom would be the best thing in the world.
You are kind. Your mom has looked at your kindness for weakness.
I don’t see this ending unless you move out.
It’s not worth staying in your mom’s home. There are strings attached to living in your mom’s house.
It’s better to be free and visit her at your convenience.
As far as brothers go, I had a brother who is now dead that was a lifelong addict. It’s horrible.
I have enormous compassion for addicts but at some point in time they have to agree to get help.
If they don’t get help they will suck the life out of everyone close to them.
I had to cut my brother out of my life. I did go see him in hospice when he was dying.
I am not heartless. I loved him as a brother but hated his lifestyle. I did forgive him.
For a time my brother lived with my mom in her home like your brother is doing.
My brother drove mom crazy, but you know what? She enabled him. She allowed him to stay. He had no incentive to fight for a better life.
When my brother was sober, he was a different person. He was warm, kind, smart and a great sense of humor. He even owned his own business.
Addiction will rob a person of everything, their wife and children, their job, their joy in life, dignity and respect from others, their health and so on.
I hope it somehow works out for you and your family. Best wishes to you.
Do you have to pay your own bills and support yourself?
Then your career is just as important as your brother's.
My mother was the same way. I've been an in-home caregiver for many years. She always put me down about it. How it's not a "real" job like my college-educated sibling has. She couldn't understand why I can't just change my hours to humor her when she wants or need something. My other sibling didn't work at all, but his sex alone protected him from any and all chastisement and shame from mom.
She tries to pull that crap on me still from time to time. Not so much because I cut her down fast when it starts up.
You're just as important as your brother and so is your job whatever it is.
1. However you do it, take yourself out of the "caregiver" role by bringing help in for your mother now, before you move out. If that is ever going to be.
2. Set your own son free from this enmeshment, and strongly advise him to separate and individuate, fly the nest, launch, and thrive in 2021. Look up "failure to launch" syndrome.
3. You must act separately from your son, for your own mental health, and his.
Make that your priority. Even if it means you moving out first. Really.
4. Your excuse for not moving out is telling. imo.
" The truth is, our current house needs to be emptied and I'm in the process of getting quotes for dumpsters. I can't think clearly about packing up and moving until we rid the place of the crap that has accumulated."
You could move out and have that empty space to sort out Mom's things, or even just store her stuff upstairs!
So you did not buy. Ok, rent until you can yourself get help for the codependency.
5. An alcoholic (with your brother's medical issues) in some cases, will not live beyond the age of 50, if you can call that living. I knew of one who lived longer, but would fully detox in between, and was not often passed out.
Good things are going to happen if you are able to at all shake things up and change the dynamics in your dysfunctional family.
You should know, there is nothing wrong with the tradition of multi-generational families living together in the same home. If that works for you.
I said to her to tell Mom "I need to work. I have no one to depend on but myself"
Do those of you that have Cared for others now look at life this way. For whatever reasons our parents didn't plan their futures, do you find you really don't want to depend on others for your care? That you mentally are ready to give up the house, downsize if it means not depending on someone else to keep a lifestyle you are used to. None of that "we want to keep Mom in her home as long as posdible". With that means hiring aides, maybe kids responsible for mowing the lawn and upkeep. Meaning others need to sacrifice to make you happy. Not me. I never heard out of my parents mouth "I expect u to care for me". Even though I am sure they felt I would be there to help. If my DH goes before me, I plan on selling and downsizing. When I need help, I plan on going to an AL. We have been able to set money aside.
If your mom has early dementia, then you need to talk to her about visiting a lawyer who specializes in family law. Please ask her get a will, power of attorney for finances (probably you), power of attorney for medical (again, probably you), and advanced directive. Better she does this while she is of sound mind. You might also prompt her to talk to the lawyer about the alcoholic she is enabling. Until she is diagnosed as "mentally incompetent," you do not need to take over control of any area of her life.
If you want to stay in your home, you may need to consider how to make adjustments. If mom is "letting you stay," then consider making a rental agreement together with her. Outline what are your responsibilities in terms of finances, tasks, and time, Make sure that you do not agree to anything that keeps you from meeting your needs for sleep, meals, time to meet your health needs, and time off to nourish your soul with people you value. You may want to ask your son to have a similar rental agreement with his grandma. What mom allows her sons to do and asks from them in terms of help is totally her business. You can ask your brothers to help, but don't count on it happening.
If you find that you can not tolerate living in the conditions as stated in your post AND your family is not willing to make reasonable adjustments.... then you may be better off finding a new place to live. Then, you may decide on what tasks you wish to continue to do for your mother - without any bitterness. I do have 2 suggestions that may help you in dealing with your family. First, read any of the books by Townsend and Cloud about "boundaries." These Christian counsellors have a wonderful approach to dealing with problem behaviors. Second, please consider attending Ala-non - an organization for friends and family of alcoholics. Your mom is enabling your brother to continue his alcoholism. To some degree his alcoholism is also impacting your life. Your son would probably also benefit from the same 2 suggestions since his life is also impacted by the negative behaviors he is experiencing at home.
Maybe mutiny is in the air!
You may sometimes feel powerless to make your family understand your need for change. They may well fight you to keep things as they are... But you DO have power here.
Stop rowing so hard. Slow down.
Explain you will still be FAMILY. You just won't be all the help going forward.
Offer many non-you alternatives (senior centre for company, deliveries & taxis for errands etc). Do you have an elder care assessment service in your area? To explore what Mother needs & qualifies for?
Then find you own little boat to row. This will mean taking on the responsibility of rent or your own mortgage, but this is taking responsibility for yourself & is the price of freedom.
This will force them to either row their own boats, hire other rowers or sink (into crises) depending on the choices they make.
I don't think you are going to move out, and so have relegated yourself to being your mother's slave. Is this true? Or are you willing to change your life and stop enabling her?
Many people post here who really have no intention of changing things. Are you one of them?
2. If your mental health is suffering you need to take stock of what you have in terms of finances/savings and how you and your son can live on your own. Get your mom's finances in check and consider an account that you don't share but one that you can monitor online. If you can afford it MOVE OUT.
3. If your name is on the deed to the house, meet with a lawyer about kicking your brother out of the house. You might consider an intervention for him and getting him out of the equation. He needs to go ASAP. If your mother won't boot him out then he should be taking care of her NOT YOU.
4. Leave your older brother out of this. If he finds out, your mother will switch to him as primary caregiver. Given that he isn't helping you, he's not going to help her. Cut him off, don't communicate with him again, EVER.
5. Your mom's list of medical problems will kill her and more than likely sooner than you think. You need to get a plan in place for her death and her final wishes. You can not take care of either of your brothers after her death. If she leaves the house to your drunk brother. Then you need to move out ASAP, and never speak to him again till he gets clean and sober.
I posted earlier. Just checking in...
How are you doing today?
You’re going to figure it out. It is wise to seek advice. I am comforted by the posters on this forum.
There are times when we feel so lost. Hearing various viewpoints helps me gain a new perspective on my situation.
It’s nice just knowing that I can speak to others with similar experiences.
Nothing happens overnight.
It takes time to sort through possible solutions. It can be difficult when we are right smack in the middle of all the mayhem.
Step back and catch your breath when needed.
Wishing you all the best as you face your challenging circumstances.
The difference is my dad's health has deterioted so he can't do his shopping himself...
When my mum passed because I lived in the house and my sister was with her partner I was expected to make sure dad was okay.
Emotionally be wasn't he would so anxious it took me ages to get back to work. Since then he has taken a stroke and his health has gotten worse ie I think the care team have enabled him to become more reliant on others rather than encourage his independance so now after getting a hospital bed he can't walk...all his care is done from bed...
Apart from that i do see similarities even when my dad was capable he wanted me to do everything...it's like he enjoys the attention and pity he gets. He likes being waited on hand and foot.
I do feel sorry for him he is kind of a lost soul since my mum passed but then as nice as he seems one minute he can turn to be angrt aggressive with me. He also did not want me meeting my partner or friends...I can so relate...
Whats the deak with you not paying rent ? You help with maintenance that's some thing.
Maybe her expecting your assistance may be due to to the fact you are not contributing to the rent ?
This must be stressful for your mum also a alcoholic son and every one living at her place is what she wants?
It sounds like she is trying to manipulate you and putting the guilt trip on you for wanting a life of your own ?
She needs to try something to improve her social interactions if not then tell her you won't listen if she complains she is never out (this is her choice )
You can only do so much for her but hopefully it's not overstepping your boundaries and you get quality time doing things for just you.
Your family’s problems are a soap opera that is sucking you in. Get out! Watch the soap opera from a distance! That should be much more interesting, useful, helpful, and positive than getting in there as a minor player! Or even better, you can focus on your own life instead!
Can you turn the tables on mom and say..."mom I have a really busy week this week and I need a few things could you run to the store on Monday and pick up a few things?"
The other thing to do would be to check with the VA and find out if there are any programs that would provide a caregiver to your mom. They can do the running around that you would do. If the VA does not have a program that will do that then mom should pay for a caregiver that would come in and help her out. Run errands with her.
And it sounds like it is time for an "intervention" with your comatose brother. He is killing himself.
Time to set boundaries for yourself. If mom refuses to try evicting brother, if there is no intervention nothing is going to change so you have to effect your own change. Stop giving all weekends to mom. If you can afford it begin looking for another place. If you are Working from Home I suggest if you can to find someplace else to work so mom does not think you are "just home" and are at her beck and call 24/7. It is a lot different when people left for work at 8 and did not come home until 5 that was a "real" work day. To some people if you are home you are not "really" working. If you can not go anywhere to work then you are "unavailable" from 8 until 5 Monday through Friday.
You do need to move out and set healthy boundaries. You have your own life to lead just as your son has his own life to lead - which doesn't mean you abandon your mother - you can still help her but not be there 24/7. Who knows, without you being in the house and occasionally unavailable, she may have to reach out to the other brother. While you didn't pay rent, you have contributed to the home financially and with personal services to your mother. When you move out, your mother will have to deal with the house and her live-son. If the house is too much for her she can always sell the house which would effectively evict your brother. With the sale of the house, she should be able move into a more suitable accommodations without her son. But no matter what your mother does it is her decision; if she makes bad decisions she has to live with it, not you. All you can do is love her and try and guide her.
My moms personality has not changed because she is getting older, she has always been the same, I have had to learn a different way of dealing with her demands,
I work full time so does my brother, we both starting helping mom when my dad sadly passed away, as my brother has a very demanding job he was finding it hard to visit as often, my mom could not understand this and started being quite nasty when talking about him to me, I found myself gently defending him against her vile tongue, as I did not want to upset her after loosing her husband of 50 years.
Fast forward a few years, moms health started to deteriorate, she need help around the house, but refused to have anyone other than me help her, this caused quite a heated row between myself and my mom, I then cut off contact for 4 weeks, the outcome was, mom now has a cleaner visit the house twice a week, the hairdresser visits once a week, and the sarcasm is kept to a minimum as she knows I will stop visiting if her appalling behaviour continues,
Be brave, move out, like mine your mom is behaving like a child, so treat her like one, bad behaviour equals a sanction, they are never to old to learn.
Pot calling the kettle black?
Suggestions for magic wands to change your mother and brothers aren’t likely to be all that realistic. Perhaps use the ‘snarky’ comments you don’t like, as a way to think through what guidance could help you.
You only have control over your own behavior, as you well know.
So what do you think the best thing to change might be?
Deciding to change is just the first step. It's usually worth it 😃