I feel guilty that I basically called my mother a b**ch in front of my in-laws yesterday.
If anyone read the debacle my mom created for my Thanksgiving yesterday you know how angry and resentful I was.
I was able to get my kids to watch mom for about an hour and went to my SILs. When asked how things were going I immediately started venting and pretty much called her the b word.
I was feeling awful about it, because despite everything, my mother values her dignity and does not deserve to be bad mouthed to others (even though that wasn’t my intention).
Then I spent the 2nd night at her house and she immediately started complaining about everything again! All I could think of was the post in the “is it wrong to wish someone would die?” discussion where someone shared that the vet said to put the dog down before you come to hate him.
Despite being a dysfunctional family I always loved my mother, she did the best she could with us kids, and was good to her grandchildren. Yes, she was needy and had unrealistic expectations, but I believe she had a good heart. I feel like this whole aging care thing is going to end with me growing to hate her.
Many have said here that our guilt is really grief in disguise, because we feel helpless that we can’t stop out LO’s illness, sadness & ultimate death. But I think I’m feeling actual guilt because I literally can’t stand to be around her at this point.
24 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I quit feeling so guilty about setting boundaries with my 92 yo passive/aggressive father? He has always been this way, not an age thing!
- Burned out caregiver sister.
- Chronically depressed, lonely but introverted, abandoned, emotionally needy mom begging for burnt out me. What to do?
- Who tortures themselves for not going to see their parent or loved one in the NH, and yet just can't face it? What can I do to ease this pain?
A visual that I like is that of a dry sponge that gets loaded down and needs to be wrung out. Think of yourself that way. You are the sponge and every once in awhile probably several times a day, step away and wring the sponge dry. Do that with your favorite stress relieving activity like taking a brisk walk, or deep breathing exercises or meditation. Do whichever you choose until you are calm. I do it until my shoulders have come down from under my ears and feel comfortable there.
Here is a great short video by Dr. Huberman, a Stanford doctor, telling about how you can slow your heart by using a breathing technique that you can use in real time. This done by releasing the carbon dioxide that is built up due to stress.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSZKIupBUuc
My mother lived to 95. Separately from me, and I did no hands on care for her at all, but managed her life (and dads) as their only child and POA. I've been able to love myself in spite of the messages of I've been swamped with for life.
Don't buy into the bs being FORCED on you. Disassociate from the insanity.
I am so glad that you intuitively knew your self worth. You should not have been subjected to such misery.
”You should be ashamed of yourself” was said often when I was a child. I think my whole life was shaped by this statement. I should be ashamed that I have paid caregivers taking care of mom (because she is my mother!). I should be ashamed that mom was sad or lonely because I wasn’t there every minute, and I should be ashamed that I didn’t want to spend 48 hours of Thanksgiving not only caring for her, but preparing the house and food so others should feel obligated come and be with her.
Shame, shame, shame!
I’ve been through so much therapy over the years, and learned so many valuable tools. But the shame is like a permanent scar that never goes away.
This means, for example, I have a hard and firm discussion with her about complaining, and how it hurts me when she complains about her beautiful facility, because of all the money I'm putting into her care.
At the same time I told her I admired her courage going through all the medical stuff she's going through and not having any control and power... and I respected her for everything she did for us as children keeping our family together with a very absent and abusive husband.
I Let her know that I respected her well at the same time I was overwhelmed with her care and I needed to take a step back and to please not take it personally.
Of course she would go back to complaining lol ....but she did get a bit better and the point was this was for me and not for her. This was what I wish I could have said to her when I was 13.
I felt free after that ... And she actually responded relatively well, and we had a mature discussion between 2 adults...and immediately a few hours later I felt shame for "hurting her feelings". When in fact I was pretty much trying to save my life and hers because I was close to walking out forever.
The growth though, was that I felt the uncomfortable feelings; talked about them with a trusted friend who'd been cheering me on; and didn't try to retract it and beg her forgiveness.
As time has gone on, detaching with love... Hearing her complain but not feeling like I immediately need to fix it... Has become a bit more comfortable. It also means I approach things with less resentment. Sometimes, lol!
I have to sit through the shame moments of being human and not try to fix them, engage in self talk to calm the amygdala fear response, and move on. If I try to quick -fix the shame of being human by apologizing for a very human response, I'll go right back up repeating the behavior.
You've nothing to apologize for. You're doing great
You don't owe anyone an apology, other than yourself for giving yourself a hard time for being human and having a sense of humor about something... being the caregiver of an elderly person... which most people cannot and will not do.
I do believe what we often call guilt is actually shame from our childhood that was instilled by the very people that we are feeling shame about feeling that way towards. I'm absolutely certain that they didn't think twice about what you said, and as you said since they were caregivers of before they know exactly what you're going through. We carry shame responses for my childhood for having very human feelings. It's unproductive, It's from your past, you are human, please let it go, and continue to find safe places to vent. Maybe it wasn't the safest audience In your mind ... And that is where the guilt comes from...but I bet you have friends who would find it hilarious. And honestly even my mom and my her better years would find my b*tching about her hilarious.
Years ago the facilitator at the support group that I no co-chair gave us all an article. (I am going to get the numbers wrong but the gist is still true)
This paper said that 70% of caregivers admit getting angry at the person they are caring for. I said "well ya know what that means...30% of the caregivers lied."
You can not be a caregiver and never get angry at the person you're caring for.
We are human, we get angry.
What we do with that anger is what makes us human.
You walk away
You vent...and that is what you did, in what you thought was a safe place.
You may be Burnt Out.
You may need a break
You might look into a Respite Stay for mom.
You might look into hiring a caregiver. Think of the caregiver as someone that will help YOU not mom if she is resistant.
If mom is able to attend an Adult Day Program that would give both of you a break form each other.
Clearly a lot of you either are now, or have in the past, been at that point of constant stress where could lose it at any moment.
While it makes me feel less alone, I’m sorry so many people are going through this. @Kathleen your comment about dealing with the mentally ill is spot on. My mom has never been declared incompetent, and she gives direction to all the paid people who come in (as well as family). But she DOES have dementia.
She doesn’t go to the doctor anymore now that she’s on hospice, so she won’t get a competentcy test that way. And I really don’t want to go to court for guardianship if I don’t have to. (I did it for my grandmother). So it goes on like you describe, spending long, draining hours with the mentally ill.
@Debbiespain, yes, I feel the “racing pulse, and how the energy wells up inside of the stomach, moving up your chest, until it has nowhere else to go but "out".” Your post was very insightful.
Thank you all for your kind support. This forum is a lifesaver.
Also, I'd rather be described as a b**ch than as "cute" (something my cousin often calls my mother--so patronizing).
Having now read about 30 memoirs by daughters describing their experiences of caring for their mothers, I can assure you that, in comparison, you and I are models of discretion.
And in universe time we'll all be dead soon anyway and none of this will matter. Even those hard-bound memoirs will eventually fade away.
Deep breath and refocus on the present.
Til her friend clued me, I was puzzled why she found so many people attractive. Lol!
Yes thank you, that is the exact clarification I needed. After reading the responses and then rereading my original headline I realized it sounded Iike I actually called mom that in front my in laws.
In reality, I was just telling them what had happened re: Thanksgiving and used that word (in a poor attempt to make it funny), for which I felt guilty about. Even though mom really can be a b word sometimes, she doesn't deserve me bad mouthing her behind her back.
You now tell us:
"I wish I could take this post down now because I didn’t actually “call” her that word, and nothing was said at the dinner table. I was telling a story and trying to make it humorous, and accidentally dropped that word in, immediately regretting it. But clearly the slip was a result of the utter frustration I was feeling."
I have asked myself today if I don't need another "month off" from AC, because of my general frustration with our posts, and with to our posts.
You may have decided the issue from me.
Forgive me, Lily. I just don't understand why you, a regular member of our Forum, would write us something that happened on the Holiday that actually DID NOT HAPPEN.
I don't understand. I am glad some seem to, but I just don't. Indicative, I think, of my--yes--needing a vacation from AC. It happens.
DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL GUILT. it is unproductive.
I understand that you feel badly about what happened. You recognize the whole picture regarding your family dynamics.
You give your mom credit for what she has done well. Obviously, you care about her. Still, certain situations are stressful and it’s hard for us to endure.
You are a sensible, mature person who is able to understand that there are various aspects of a situation.
If it makes you feel better to tell your mom that you lost your patience or simply that you were on edge, go ahead.
Do you think that she would appreciate this sentiment or is she the type that would rub it in your face? If she will be gracious then it’s something to consider. If not, I would just let it go.
This whole thing may be bothering you more than anyone else.
I am sure that you realize that these things happen in all families! No one has a perfect family.
If you notice your body when the misdirected anger surfaces, you'll notice that it feels very physical in terms of racing pulse, and how the energy wells up inside of the stomach, moving up your chest, until it has nowhere else to go but "out". That's when I continued my therapy from years ago, and I began to understand how "trauma drama" works. My point is, you need to get some support - it's a theme in most of my postings.
And it's true that guilt and grief issue directives to one another, something you must learn to listen for.
If you cannot stand to be around her, you need to find a way to take a breather. This may be a little tedious, but from my own experience, the core of my whole existence right now is based on the "breathers" I take. And I take alot.
When she complains, that's code for "I'm not in control and that's not how I would do it." Offer choices if you have the patience to do so. Choices go a long way at my house which can help keep the anxiety and the guilt down.
The guilt the you're suffering is likely due to the fact that you're operating at the bare emotional minimum.
You definitely need to sideline yourself for a bit if you can.
Then I got that fear and anxiety confirmed on this forum. Yes caregiving can kill YOU before them so find a solution. For me, the solution was to place her in AL and sell her house to pay for it. The process to do all that was stressful because I was already burned out. But when it was all over - and I had given myself a couple weeks of distance from her - I could interact much better with my mom.
I hope you find a solution in your case. I can say it’s the hardest thing to hear when you’re already burned out - that you need to find a solution Yesterday! It feels like you’re drowning in doing and then somebody says “it’s urgent that you do MORE”. I hope you or someone close can find the best solution for your mom. The goal would be to put her in a place where you can once again feel like you’re just her loving daughter. Bringing her flowers, taking her to lunch, etc. (((many hugs)))
Just because she's dying (or not actually dying since it's been months now) doesn't mean you aren't allowed to call it like it is. Technically we are all dying but some know their expiration date.
Did you tell mom she is not in control of giving care givers the day off and that she is going to respite care for Christmas?
I think you calling her that name was a very human slip up. I would mainly caution against it because it might bring the mood down, etc. I often have to remind myself to be more restrained in these situations.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. We all just get pushed to our wits end.
ALTHOUGH--what I'm THINKING as opposed to what comes out of my mouth--often 2 completely opposite things.
Probably your inlaws simply agreed with you. Don't sweat it.
IDK how my SIL doesn't fall apart and scream every bad word she knows about her mom. Truly---I can keep my distance, and do. SIL is there 2-10 times a week. Always smiling, always sweet. Bending over to make mom happy (and that's patently impossible). We're all in shock at how much abuse she'll take from MIL and keep on smiling. (She's abnormal in that regard---most people would be running for the hills after the year she's had with MIL).
Be nice to yourself and forgive yourself. It probably felt good to say what you felt.
A short and sweet note to the hosts and the promise to help with dishes next year strikes the right tone.
Your inlaws are probably just so GLAD they don't have your life and ensuing drama.
It's OK.
So in some senses guilt is appropriate here. You are continuing to allow yourself to be overwhelmed in care on a continuous daily basis for someone you quite honestly may LOVE but do not LIKE at all.
And you brought your overwhelm to the table for an hour, making all others feel guilty and/or bad for your pain, and then left. No help with the dishes?
So yeah, write a sweet note saying "I let myself get overwhelmed and brought it to your lovely table; I am so sorry; next time I swear I will do all the dishes".
That is it. Simple one and done.
No one cares. You gave them something to chat about over dessert.
The real question to me is what will you do about all this from now on? Will you continue to place yourself in front of the steam roller? Because it WILL flatten you every time.
Do know, Lily, yours wasn't the only family table to see drama. It's after all what the Holidays are all about in some sense, hee hee.
Look on it with a little humor and move on.
And determine to take care of yourself in future. Remember my whole thing about you are an ADULT and you and you alone are responsible for your choices for your life.
My best to you with a whip cream topping of tough love! But love, nonetheless.
Just because she has unrealistic expectations does not mean you have to try and meet them every time. Did she meet all your unrealistic expectations as a child? You decide what you are comfortable doing and that needs to be good enough. Just because she is your mother does not mean she has the 'right' to be mean or demanding of you. Learn to retrain her and yourself. When she makes you uncomfortable get up and leave. It really is that simple. If something important doesn't get done too bad. She is the one who will have to live with it, not you. What most posters here forget is that the really are the ones with all the power.