I don't want to visit my mom in assisted living anymore. Has anyone decided to have no or low contact with their toxic elderly parent at this late stage in the game?

What exactly is it you feel guilty about? I know the moment my father walked into AL I knew any ideas of inheritance were gone. I was ok with that just to have the stress of dealing with him all on my own to be gone. Laundry cost around $40 a month at AL, not exactly an inheritance buster. I did end up inheriting a bit more than a year's salary for me but after 17 years of managing his life that did not seem like all that much. Still, I am grateful I do have a little nest egg.

Cut it down to once a week. There is no reason for 4 times a week unless you enjoy the visits. I can sure tell you, your mother may expect those visits but she does not appreciate them. If doing her laundry makes you feel less guilty, continue to do so. I did my father's when he lived on his own but stopped once he moved to AL.

Re baby steps...

Way on back - I helped a day a week. Well a half day but it would often blowout. Mission Creep led to multi times, multi days, multi tasks. I became so stressed over this pressure of being *on call*.

So I stepped back. Said no more. You need other help, other solutions.

I reset my time to other things. But the phone would ring. Another task, request, or fall.

One day I turned the phone off for a time.

Your Mom is being looked after in AL. Her needs ARE being met. Maybe she is not happy... But that is HER concern. It is NOT possible for you or anyone else to make her happy. That comes from herself. From her own thoughts.

My LO has many health issues, needed help but lacked insight to this & was stuck in a 'family must do everything for me ' mindset. I fell for that, but eventually worked out I had to set boundaries to protect myself - no-one else would! Now they are good 😇.

Your situation differs from mine but the 'family must do everything for me' mindset is similar?

See if you can drive on past & turn your phone off one day this week.

Stop going. Stop doing her laundry. Hand her over to the county when her money runs out.

She's dead to you now, so why wait for the official date -- if YOU live that long -- just get a small inheritance?

https://inhomecare.services

There's a thread going
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/why-is-it-so-hard-for-some-to-set-and-maintain-boundaries-477009.htm

Your Mom has conditioned your whole life that you need to cater to her. Its ingrained at this point. You need to learn how to break this cycle. Your therapist should be helping you break away not learn to deal with it. There is a book called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. My daughter says its very good and Christian based. The "honor your father and mother" does not mean you take their abuse or become a door mat.

I was the "good" daughter. Did not want to do anything to hurt my parents. Followed their rules. But they allowed their children to become independent and live their own live there own lives when they turned 18. Without realising it, I set boundries. Maybe because I get overwhelmed if too much is coming at me. I do better with structure. This meant that appts, shopping and running errands were done on my time.

Think, are you putting up with this because you are waiting to hear Mom say "love you". With these types of people you will never hear it. My DH says he tells me everyday how much he loves me by the things he does for me. He does not need to tell me all the time. Your Mom certainly does not show she loves you with how she treats you.

My Moms laundry and room cleaning were included in her room and board. It was not a separate cost. I would take a break from Mom. Inform the Nurse that you are taking a vacation. Also, Staff should not be calling you about Moms behaviour all the time. They need to deal with her. Tell them "Welcome to my world. I have never been able to change her so I am really no help there. Do ur best."

And take a vacation too. Get away, if only for the weekend. Tell the AL, emergency calls only. If you have a cell, put it on "DO Not Disturb". If you want you can have only those on your contact list can come thru. Let calls from the AL go to VM. If its an emergency, call back. If its just about her behaviour, delete it. Give yourself this time to re-evaluate your relationship with Mom. At this point in Moms life she needs you more than you need her and thats the point you need to get across and by doing that you back away. You no longer take her abuse. TG she is in an AL because you are not with her 24/7. Do do not answer her calls if they are constant. Let them go to VM. If just abuse, delete. Call her one time a day just to check in. Maybe after dinner when she is in her room. As soon as she gets abusive tell her "Mom I am no longer going to listen to this. If we can't have a nice conversation when I call, I won't be calling anymore." If she continues with the abuse, hang up. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Have a talk with her. Tell her you are no longer going to put up with her abuse. You are an adult and as such deserve some respect. If she wants you to visit, she has to stop with the abuse. That goes for the staff too. She will attract more bees with honey than vinegar. The aides are more likely to do for her if she is nicer to them. That goes for you too.

Its up to you to change. Get rid of the guilt, its self-imposed. Mom has no guilt why should you. Realize that Mom is where she is because of her actions not because your not a good daughter. Again, take time away. Read some more of the posts. You will find you are not the only one putting up with an abusive parent. Count yourself lucky that Mom is in an AL. Some posters are living with their abusers.

Skip one visit this week.
Baby steps.

Just drive on past! Treat yourself to a coffee somewhere new instead. Let the guilt wash over you. Feel it. Say hello Guilt, I see you - but I am going to enjoy my coffee all the same.

Do it again next week. Drive on past! Go to the coffee shop again. Feel the guilt again. Still be there.. but maybe a little less?

3-4 visits a week? There is no reason for you to continue this - unless you WANT to. If it's too much - cut back. Do you really care any more what she thinks? Sure, it'll be annoying if she complains more but if you see her less, less opportunities to complain. You can also manage other contact with her by not answering your phone when she calls, etc.

I would give up on the inheritance idea. Although I totally understand wanting an inheritance. I have cared for my mom for almost 6 years, since my dad passed. Recently started with her paying for home aides cuz I just can't do it anymore as she continues to decline. I'm pretty reconciled to the idea that she will not outlive her money and I'm OK with that. So, join me in letting go of the idea of getting ANYTHING. It's just not worth doing extra for her in hopes of getting some money some day.

Good luck.

Re-evaluating is a great start.

"I'm doing 3- 4 visits a week".

Gosh, your car must have worn a groove into the road by now! Why go so often? Have you thought about cutting that back? How would twice a week feel to you? Or once?

"I do her laundry to cut down on costs".

I could say just let the laundry go, but, lower costs now (+ you know it's done right) to ensure finds later, well this makes sense too.

Does this deal still work for you?

If so, does it need some tinkering/improving? I've seen family doing multi drop off/pick ups per week because LO will only wear the favorite items! Could more clothing/duplicate items mean fewer trips?

Once a week would be my plan/limit too..

I did exactly what Barb is recommending with my dad. I visited once a week, brought him a treat (he loved chocolate sundaes and other ice cream treats), the meals I prepared for him (due to his swallowing issues and eventually the condition of his teeth), the laundry I did and whatever other things he needed (shampoo, lotions, etc.). If he conversed half way normally, I stayed to visit for a while. When he started on on how I was abusing him by placing him in MC and spending all his money, I said good bye I will see you next week and left. When I was concerned about him during the week, I called the nurse's station to check on him and/or activated the cameras to look in on him. I was aided by the knowledge that my estranged older brother would by visiting Dad nearly every day to talk about how they couldn't believe the court had appointed me guardian and let me put Dad in MC. One reason I chose that MC was because it was less than 2 miles from OB's home. I feel I completely supported my Dad but I didn't take much crap from him or my estranged brother after Dad went to MC.

So she's unhappy.

So what?

Has she EVER been happy?

Is it your job to make her happy? (Hint--it's not).

Visit once a week--to pick up and drop off laundry if you continue to do that. Chat for a bit. If she gets nasty, get up and leave.