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Hello,
I am currently seeking advice. For context, I am caring for my mid-50s mother, who is physically disabled following surgery on her back a few years ago. We are unsure to what extent because she refuses to do any physical rehabilitation. She always has an excuse for not going and refuses to do any at home. This has made it so that I have to provide care for every need she has. I am exhausted. I have been awake nearly 24 hours daily for the last two weeks as she battles a "cold."
The primary issue that I face is that she has an undiagnosed mental illness, and she is now showing signs of what could be dementia. With the combination of these issues, she is prone to destructive and strange behaviors toward me (i.e., boundless spending online, calling my employer and my educational institution to tell them I am a terrible person). These sudden outbursts can result in her calling the police as well. When they arrive, they conclude that she is not well.
After another sudden outburst and lack of sleep, I have concluded that I cannot do this anymore. What options do I have? The police cannot do anything unless she is a danger to others or herself. Since she is immobile, they will not deem her a threat to anyone. Plus, she seems to regain her cognitive abilities after an episode and presents herself as if nothing is wrong with her. My local social workers say the same thing as the police.
I am really lost. I am 28 and have no other family to help me. I have been dealing with this for roughly 2 years now and I am running out of steam.

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As others have suggested, you need to stop being her care solution so that another solution can happen. You need to quietly plan to move out. I realize at your age this may have financial implications but there's really no other fix. As suggested by others she will only get worse. You staying there just delays the inevitable. Leave, do not go back and report her to APS. Block her calls until the situation improves to your liking/advantage.

What then is likely to happen is that APS will *eventually* see she is not capable of living on her own (just saying it may not happen right away so be patient and do not step in to help or rescue -- this is why you block her calls). She will be enraged and dis you to whoever will listen on all social outlets. No matter. Expect it and ignore it.

If/when APS contacts you, you make sure to tell them over and over that you cannot, for financial and mental health reasons, continue to provide her care. You will not be returning to the home. You are not her PoA. You are 100% burnt out and need to move on with your life.

Eventually your Mom will get a court-assigned legal guardian who will most likely transition her into a LTC facility (whether Mom likes it or not). The guardian will then take over managing all her care decisions and her other affairs (financial, etc.). So, if you currently have any money co-mingled with hers I would get it out asap because the minute guardianship happens you will be locked out of her house and accounts. The house will likely get sold to be part of Medicaid Recovery to pay for her care. Sneak all your possessions out before you contact APS.

You would be able to visit her in her facility home whenever you wished. You will be free from the unsustainable burden of her care at such a young age. I wish you all the best as you do some hard things, but then it will get better. FYI you've been doing hard things all along. Now when you do some hard things there will be relief in sight.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I vote for you to leave for that job asap . Mom is mentally ill and isn’t going to change and start listening to you . She may also have waited too long for rehab to help much .

The next time she is having a cognitive episode you call 911 and tell them you think she’s having a stroke . They will take her to the ER . Then refuse to take her home . You say it’s an “ unsafe discharge ,”, that you can not take care of her . They will find placement in a nursing home .

You could try APS as well .
I’m curious , did the social worker you mentioned offer to place Mom so you can get your life back?
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Reply to waytomisery
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anonymous1784938 Oct 28, 2024
Definitely this. Dont tell her you are calling 911 either. Just walk into the other room and call them and tell them medical needed for possible stroke and let them just show up. Don’t give her a heads up that you will do this.

Send her to the hospital and then don’t take her home with the words
“unsafe discharge”
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Please know your mother is very unlikely to change, except to worsen. Though this is sad, nothing you’re doing or will do will change or fix it. Her needs are beyond your capabilities to provide, no one’s fault, just a fact. Make plans to move, with as little discussion with mom as possible, don’t give her the date or place you’re headed. Certainly don’t share the name of your new employer. You don’t need her lashing out at anyone where you’re going. Report mom’s living condition to Adult Protective Services in her area as an adult in need of help, help you absolutely cannot provide. Mom will be cared for, as many others in her condition are, by state resources. It may not be what she chooses, but it’s still what is best. She’s too unwell to realize ruining your life and future is so very wrong. I’m sorry you’ve been carrying this all alone, you have the power to make it different and better for you both, and I wish you the best in doing so
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Some more information would help. Who is ‘we’ as in 'we are unsure'. Do you rent, live in a house you own or rent yourself, or in M’s own house or rented flat? Are you able and willing to move away? Are any other family members involved? It’s a difficult situation, clearly, partly because your M is so young. Practical suggestions need a bit more information.
Yours, Margaret
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wvrray Oct 28, 2024
Hi Margaret,

It’s her rented condominium. I pay the expenses out of my pocket. There are no other family members. I could move away. I have a job waiting for me several states away, however I am reluctant to do so because she is so young and there are not many resources available.

Also, “we” represents the therapist I hired to help me through this time. It is impossible to get her evaluated because she more than likely will not do the testing, or if she does, intentionally sabotage it.
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Thank you for answering. If your M is not co-operating with you, you need to pull rank with her. Either she does what’s needed (and does it genuinely), or you are out of this. Tell her that you have a better offer to move away – and mean it.

If she is only mid-50s, and you are guessing about what is really wrong with her, you are being set up for decades of servitude. Don’t fall for it! If you leave, she is unlikely to die of neglect. The state will step in.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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“She always has an excuse for not going and refuses to do any at home. This has made it so that I have to provide care for every need she has. I am exhausted. I have been awake nearly 24 hours daily for the last two weeks as she battles a "cold."

Ummm, absolutely not. 100% no. Make her get up and do that stuff herself.

You HAVE to work and put into your social security and savings account and IRA so that you can have money for YOUR golden years.

Please find a trauma therapist and work on untwisting your enmeshment, your enabling of her and finding your boundaries.

A lot of this is your fault and only you can get yourself out of it.

Take the out of state job and move. Golda’s mom lived to 109…. Do you want that?
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anonymous1784938 Oct 28, 2024
And take her phone away. She doesn’t get a phone.

you MUST get 8 hours of quality uninterrupted sleep before you get fired.
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You are enabling a woman who, while she may have back problems, does also have quite a bad mental outlook. You have posted this under Dementia. I think not unless someone has diagnosed her as the youngest Alzheimer's victim I have ever chanced to meet, and I am a retired RN, 82 years old. She simply has a nasty temper at best, and some mental issues of borderline behavior at worst.

I do not know whose house you live in.
In so far as work goes do remind them that your mother has mental deficits, and they should try to remain kind to her, but hang up as soon as they are able.

My suggestion is that if you live in her house you move out, and if she lives in your own you evict her.
Give her the numbers for APS so she can access any services she may require from city, county or state.
Tell her the date you will be leaving, or she will.

And on you go, making a life and family of your own.
Your staying entrapped and enmeshed by your mother as a grownup is a choice, not a requisite. Don't allow it to continue. If you need therapy to find a way forward do seek it out and I don't mean the online trash.

Best of luck out to you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I think a problem with ‘discharge to a facility’ is that M is only 50s and probably has a mental illness. Could someone chime in the book details of the woman who tried for many years to cope with her mother with mental illness? I haven’t read the book and don’t have the reference.
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