I desperately need help with my aging mother, who is having childlike tantrums and yelling at my 10-year-old daughter and her friends. Any advice?

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I desperately need help with my aging mother, who is having childlike tantrums and yelling at my 10-year-old daughter and her friends. Any advice?

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My 79-year-old mother just retired in September after being diagnosed with long Covid. Since then, there has been a rapid change in her personality. She was always quiet and kind, but lately she is super depressed and has begun to have angry tantrums, yelling and saying terrible things to my daughter, her friends and myself. It’s very embarrassing and she always says nobody loves her and she’s useless. She lives with me and I do everything for her, maybe too much. She just had an MRI of her brain and we are waiting for the results. She has very bad memory loss and brain fog, but I honestly feel like I don’t know her anymore. She’s absolutely miserable and it affects all of us. All she does is complain and I can’t remember the last time she smiled or had anything positive to say. This is all so new to me and I have no idea what to do. She thinks everyone hates her including the kids. She says I don’t love her and has violent tantrums over the smallest things like the kids spilling water! She says that the children belittle her and laugh at her, which is the farthest from the truth. My daughter is becoming distant and I don’t blame her.

I am on overload because I’m with her 24/7 and it gets worse every day.

I’m in desperate need of help regarding how to navigate this because it all came on so suddenly (since she had a very severe case of Covid and almost died, which lead to her having to retire from her job that she held for 25 years.)

Any help or advice would be a Godsend.

Kindest blessings to all,

Amy ❤️

Behavior Change Burnout Family Caregiver Multi-generational Living

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If your mother is having tantrums around your minor child, your mother needs to reside elsewhere.

She is not herself; get her to a psychiatric inpatient facility so that meds can be trialed.

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My mother used to call my daughter fat constantly and always criticized her for not eating right and being overweight. I told my mother how this was impacting my daughter, but she wouldn't change. It had a significant impact (and still does) on my daughter's self-esteem. My mother now lives elsewhere.

I would strongly recommend you find somewhere else for your mother to live. It is hard enough for kids, soon-to-be teenagers, to feel comfortable without someone constantly shouting at them. If this isn't an option, find someone who can help her through medication and other support as just asking someone to change never works.

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Has mom been tested for infections, such as a UTI? This behavior coming on suddenly can be indicative of an infection. If not, and if her MRI comes back ok, it could still be dementia at play; it's only rarely that brain MRIs show plaques that mean Alzheimer's which is only ONE form of dementia. Your mother's erratic behavior could well be dementia, unfortunately, which is not something that will get better, only worse, as it progresses. With long Covid at play, none of the 'experts' know what they're talking about as far as long term prognosis or outcomes, b/c they have no 'long term' studies to look at! Dementia could well BE a long term effect of Covid for many people, for all we know. Neurological problems DO occur with Covid, so your mom may be among those who were affected in that way.

What I will say is this: your young children should not be exposed to a grandmother who is yelling at them and belittling them, accusing them of laughing at her and acting paranoid in general. Witnessing violent tantrums is the LAST thing you or your children (esp your children) should be subjected to. I grew up in a household with a mother & grandmother who were causing histrionics day & night, and let me tell you, my childhood was ruined as a result. I tell you this as a warning; don't let that happen to YOUR children! Get your mom out of your house asap and placed into managed care of some kind; on Medicaid if she has no funds to self pay. First find out if the doctors can diagnose her with Alzheimer's or dementia of some kind, or a UTI or other infection that can be cleared up with meds, and go from there. But please don't let this erratic behavior of hers go on for a long time w/o stepping in to intervene.

Your children are depending on you and need you more than your mother, at this point.

I'm really sorry you're all going through such a terrible situation. I pray that the doctors find an answer that will help your mom calm down and relax, and that you can all move on with your lives in peace. Best of luck.

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Welcome, Amy:
You are doing all the right things and all you can. Be certain to sit and explain to the kids.
And do know that at some point, should nothing help, your Mom will have to move into care. Your first obligation is to your children. For a while they can live and learn from this, be understanding, and so on. But eventually the disruption in your lives may be too much.
I am so sorry. There may be small strokes happening as Covid 19 has turned out to be nothing is not a blood disease. It is causing a lot of problems with clotting disorders. I just heard on the news that our sewage testing is showing another upsurge may be coming.
So sorry you are going through this. Do know it will give your kids some grace with understanding that life isn't always a cake walk. But understand that this can't go on forever. There may be a combo of small stroke activity AND depression. Your docs will tell you all this is anything but an exact science. I have a friend in a study in Michigan now of long haulers. Life a misery since Covid. My now deceased brother's good friend has had his second bout with covid-19 and this one seems to have left him with a stroke like syndrome in which most of what he says comes out like speaking in tongues, is unable to feed himself. As he is on hospice there is no workup being done. Doctor says could be one of several things but he is seeing people with vascular changes, small stroke activity, and etc. after Covid. Wishing you good luck. Some of these things have no answer, and time will be the decider. If your Mom stays in this condition you will have to protect your child entering the most important formative years.

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Someone asked me how we we did during COVID. Told him we were careful. Wore our masks distanced and lucked out we didn't get it. Exposed and tested we did not get it. This person asked me if my blood type was O. I said yes. She said experts seem to think type O blood people don't get it or as bad.

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No one has to live with abuse or tolerate it for any reason. Your mother is behaving abusively in your home.
You respond to a senior tantrum exactly the way you'd respond to a kid having one.
Completely ignore her and do not give her a moment of attention.
I had a bad case of Covid in 2020 and have lasting effects from it including brain fog and a shorter temper which I have to strive hard to keep in check, but I do.
Your mother's negativity and abusive behavior is having an adverse effect on you and your family. You say she was still working at a job up until last year. She could be suffering from a lack of socialization. When people stop socializing, be it on job, or seeing friends, and have nothing to do with their time they become negative, short-tempered, complain constantly, and are miserable.
Your mother sounds like this.
If your town has a senior center encourage her to join. Try to get her involved with volunteer work of some kind. Maybe there is something she can do related to the job she left when she got sick.
Most importantly though is to make your language very plain that you and your family will not tolerate her abusive behavior and tantrums anymore. If she cannot keep her temper and tantrums in check, she will be moving out of your house.

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Your 10 year old daughter has a right to grow up in a healthy environment. It is your responsibility to ensure she gets it. Your mother must be stopped from this emotional abuse toward your daughter. I am sure you are at your wits end with this situation, but you are a mother first and daughter second. This could escalate to where your daughter could be in jeopardy of staying in the home. Stop doing everything for her and only give the minimum help until you get find a different place for her to live.

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"This could escalate to where your daughter could be in jeopardy of staying in the home."

THIS! Your D could tell someone at school, and she could be removed from your home. Which one do YOU think should leave your home -- your mother or your daughter?

What are your mother's finances? Are there other family members to help you find her a place to live? Why is it all on you?

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I agree. A good psychiatric inpatient stay would be very start. I expect her to fight going there, but hopefully not. You are indeed describing depression symptoms which could certainly be related to medical problems. Talk to a geriatric physician and try and get her admitted.

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Agree. It sounds like depression is at least part of this. Agitated depression. Perhaps over loss of her job, independence, and even resentment at the carefree young children. Medication can help tremendously. A good pcp who will spend the time getting the history and correct med regimen or geriatric psychiatry. Just make appointment and take her. Good luck

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I agree. A good medical work up, including psychiatric, is in order. Can you take her to a local ER and explain the changes you have observed. Sit down and make a good list of behavior now, changes from previous behavior, any illnesses, symptoms, etc. Then, take her there. I hope she cooperates. If she becomes belligerent, call 911. they can be very helpful and are use to these situations.

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Have her checked for UTI. Urinalysis infections that go untreated can cause many weird issues that you wouldn’t think a UTI would cause, like changes in the brain and personality changes. See what MRI says, but have her evaluated by a neuropsychologist for dementia also. Tell the Drs about her violent outbursts.

I feel bad for your daughter. She is stuck in a bad situation. Do the best you can to explain to her, grandma needs help. Obviously, if your mom is violent, it’s best to place her in a home that can oversee her, but I’m not sure if you able financially able to do that.

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The OP doesn't have to be financially able to pay for the mother to be in a care home. The mother pays for it from her income and assets and when that money is gone Medicaid pays for it.

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She needs a geriatric psychiatrist or a social worker to help her process her loss . Definitely sounds like depression . Find a hobby for her like gardening or a social club or Perhaps a small job where she will have socialization and a sense of achievement . Some senior centers offer lunch and exercise programs . She needs to channel her energy in another Manner since losing her job .

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I’m sorry to say it, but your mother’s needs and your child’s needs can not be managed in one household.. You are on the right track trying to find out what is causing your mother’s behavior. You can explain and explain to your daughter that this is a medical situation, but because your daughter does not have a fully developed brain and is emotionally impacted by the behavior, she will have lifelong residue from this situation.

The first thing you can do is to not expose your daughter’s friends to the situation. Find activities outside of the home for the children. Grandma is sick, so we need to go to the park, mall, trampoline palace, roller skating, art studio, library, etc. Explain to your daughter’s friends parents’ that your mother is unwell and it is best that the children not be in the home and you appreciate any kind of accommodation they can make.

I also recommend that you keep your daughter busy at school, with after school projects and activities, and find time to be alone with her in the evenings. Maybe start a routine in her room or your room without your mother present. You may want to consider counseling for her as well.

In the meantime, check with your mother’s PCP’s office for resources for managing her care and living accommodations. Don’t take no for an answer. Also check with the diagnostician who is managing your mother’s MRI.

I know from personal experience how difficult it is for a child to grow up in a house with an unstable adult. It has a profound impact on their self esteem, self worth and ability to interact socially. It can cause hyper vigilance and it can cause depression. These children are more likely to turn to drugs and unsafe sex than their peers. Children from unstable family environments often under perform in school and are socially challenged. I would hate to see that happen with your daughter.

You are obviously a loving daughter and mother and have the best interests for both of them in your heart. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too.

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It's time to place mom in memory care. It's obvious she has dementia unless she has a UTI or some other infection. Your kids should not be allowed by you to be exposed to this abuse. You also need to have a talk with your kids about her unacceptable behavior and how you are not going to tolerate her unacceptable behavior any longer.

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No. It's not obvious that she has dementia or a UTI.
The OP's mother up until just September was still working at 79 years old. She was living an active and productive life.
Losing a job and getting sick can cause a person to become worse than seriously depressed. They can become despondent. They can develop a short fuse and anger easily. In fact, they often experience blind rage that they didn't have before. I know this because it happened to me.
I don't dementia and I didn't have a UTI.

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Since this came on so suddenly, I do hope you go first with exploring the physiology, rather than a hard-line “we will not tolerate this unacceptable behavior.” Of course you can’t live like this, but that’s not where you should start when there’s such a dramatic shift. In my community I might look into an admission to the geriatric psych unit, for a good work-up. As a psych nurse, I saw absolutely dramatic shifts in people’s behaviors when they got a UTI cleared up, or endocrine problems resolved. It might not be that simple, but you need some expert help.

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The OP's mother was still working up until last September when she got Covid. That's hard when a person is used to going to a job. There is also the socialization aspect of it as well. Loss of a job and illness at any age can cause depression in a person and make them easy to anger too.
Most definitely the mother should see her doctor, but you as a psych nurse would know well enough the first thing that would happen to a 79 year old that gets checked into a geriatric psych unit or any for that matter.
Pump her full of meds. I certainly can't blame a person, especially a senior, if they are hesitant about going the psych route when they have a problem.
I've worked as an in-home senior caregiver for almost 25 years and can tell you that more times than not the hard-line approach or tough love from family and caregivers is exactly what a stubborn, abusive senior needs. This kind of tough love approach also has to be tempered with kindness and compassion. Otherwise the family or caregiver is just being an a$$hole.
An elderly person like the OP's mother is used to being busy and active and was up until quite recently. She needs to have something to do. I'd bet anything that if her health checks out and she gets something worthwhile to do with her time, her behavior and temper tantrums will greatly improve.

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Of course it’s a good idea to do the checks Chris suggested. However very few 79 year olds who are behaving badly, but then turn into sweet old ladies who are a pleasure to have living indefinitely with the family. Even if there is a medical reason right now, this is going to get worse, not better. And it might get worse for another 20 years, making both you and your daughter miserable for the whole of your young lives.

Start checking out alternative placements. Could she cope with Senior Living, AL, or does she need NH? You aren’t obliged to keep her in your house, or to do what she wants. When you’ve done the checks, be prepared to grit your teeth and move on to the next step. You can still be a daughter, and do what you can to make her happy. She isn’t happy now!

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Yes. It's the type of upbringing that can alienate a child.

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My mother has dementia. She suffered with depressions and mental swings. I talked to her doctor who prescribed a med for dementia patients suffering from "sundowners". It helped a lot, after a few months it had to be adjusted. Your Mom has had a huge adjustment and may be suffering from dementia since she has memory issues and mood swings/personality changes.

I would talk to her doctor, with/without, her there and see if there is some medication she can take for her moods/personality. Even if it is a temporary fix, it will help everyone to get a better plan in place - such as assisted living or a memory facility. You need to think about your responsibility to your children who are being negatively affected by your Mom's behavior. They need to come 1st as they are still young enough to live at home.

Your Mom might not live the changes and may blame you, but you need to think of your mental health and that of your family.

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AmyA824: Perhaps there is more at play than just the long haul Covid with your mother. Suggestion is to get a neurologist appointment.

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People go on about how much kids learn from seeing their parents take care of the grandparents. That has some merit, but kids also may take in the lesson that maybe they are just not that important to their own parents. You have to evaluate it. But there must be a way to keep your mom from ruining your family's cohesiveness.

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There are also many kids who say 'Please God, never let me be like that'. Perhaps it's still learning, but not what most of us want for our children.

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Tell the Dr. what is going on and the possability of a low dose of Ativan(for anxiety)

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Please get your mother evaluated by a neurologist and a geriatric psychiatrist. I know that some people have experienced depression and/or strokes when they had COVID. Either can cause the symptoms you r mom is experiencing. Generally, it sounds like she is easily irritated - as if everything over-sensitizes her nerves - and requires a calm, consistent routine in her life. Medications prescribed by a doctor should help with the long term depressive mood symptoms. Just remember that it takes weeks for psychoactive medications to become effective. It might be easier for your child amd her friends to play in an area far from her room.

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I desperately need help with my aging mother, who is having childlike tantrums and yelling at my 10-year-old daughter and her friends. Any advice?

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