I desperately need help with my aging mother, who is having childlike tantrums and yelling at my 10-year-old daughter and her friends. Any advice?
My 79-year-old mother just retired in September after being diagnosed with long Covid. Since then, there has been a rapid change in her personality. She was always quiet and kind, but lately she is super depressed and has begun to have angry tantrums, yelling and saying terrible things to my daughter, her friends and myself. It’s very embarrassing and she always says nobody loves her and she’s useless. She lives with me and I do everything for her, maybe too much. She just had an MRI of her brain and we are waiting for the results. She has very bad memory loss and brain fog, but I honestly feel like I don’t know her anymore. She’s absolutely miserable and it affects all of us. All she does is complain and I can’t remember the last time she smiled or had anything positive to say. This is all so new to me and I have no idea what to do. She thinks everyone hates her including the kids. She says I don’t love her and has violent tantrums over the smallest things like the kids spilling water! She says that the children belittle her and laugh at her, which is the farthest from the truth. My daughter is becoming distant and I don’t blame her.
I am on overload because I’m with her 24/7 and it gets worse every day.
I’m in desperate need of help regarding how to navigate this because it all came on so suddenly (since she had a very severe case of Covid and almost died, which lead to her having to retire from her job that she held for 25 years.)
Any help or advice would be a Godsend.
Kindest blessings to all,
Amy ❤️
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What I will say is this: your young children should not be exposed to a grandmother who is yelling at them and belittling them, accusing them of laughing at her and acting paranoid in general. Witnessing violent tantrums is the LAST thing you or your children (esp your children) should be subjected to. I grew up in a household with a mother & grandmother who were causing histrionics day & night, and let me tell you, my childhood was ruined as a result. I tell you this as a warning; don't let that happen to YOUR children! Get your mom out of your house asap and placed into managed care of some kind; on Medicaid if she has no funds to self pay. First find out if the doctors can diagnose her with Alzheimer's or dementia of some kind, or a UTI or other infection that can be cleared up with meds, and go from there. But please don't let this erratic behavior of hers go on for a long time w/o stepping in to intervene.
Your children are depending on you and need you more than your mother, at this point.
I'm really sorry you're all going through such a terrible situation. I pray that the doctors find an answer that will help your mom calm down and relax, and that you can all move on with your lives in peace. Best of luck.
You respond to a senior tantrum exactly the way you'd respond to a kid having one.
Completely ignore her and do not give her a moment of attention.
I had a bad case of Covid in 2020 and have lasting effects from it including brain fog and a shorter temper which I have to strive hard to keep in check, but I do.
Your mother's negativity and abusive behavior is having an adverse effect on you and your family. You say she was still working at a job up until last year. She could be suffering from a lack of socialization. When people stop socializing, be it on job, or seeing friends, and have nothing to do with their time they become negative, short-tempered, complain constantly, and are miserable.
Your mother sounds like this.
If your town has a senior center encourage her to join. Try to get her involved with volunteer work of some kind. Maybe there is something she can do related to the job she left when she got sick.
Most importantly though is to make your language very plain that you and your family will not tolerate her abusive behavior and tantrums anymore. If she cannot keep her temper and tantrums in check, she will be moving out of your house.
She is not herself; get her to a psychiatric inpatient facility so that meds can be trialed.
I would strongly recommend you find somewhere else for your mother to live. It is hard enough for kids, soon-to-be teenagers, to feel comfortable without someone constantly shouting at them. If this isn't an option, find someone who can help her through medication and other support as just asking someone to change never works.
Start checking out alternative placements. Could she cope with Senior Living, AL, or does she need NH? You aren’t obliged to keep her in your house, or to do what she wants. When you’ve done the checks, be prepared to grit your teeth and move on to the next step. You can still be a daughter, and do what you can to make her happy. She isn’t happy now!
I would talk to her doctor, with/without, her there and see if there is some medication she can take for her moods/personality. Even if it is a temporary fix, it will help everyone to get a better plan in place - such as assisted living or a memory facility. You need to think about your responsibility to your children who are being negatively affected by your Mom's behavior. They need to come 1st as they are still young enough to live at home.
Your Mom might not live the changes and may blame you, but you need to think of your mental health and that of your family.
You are doing all the right things and all you can. Be certain to sit and explain to the kids.
And do know that at some point, should nothing help, your Mom will have to move into care. Your first obligation is to your children. For a while they can live and learn from this, be understanding, and so on. But eventually the disruption in your lives may be too much.
I am so sorry. There may be small strokes happening as Covid 19 has turned out to be nothing is not a blood disease. It is causing a lot of problems with clotting disorders. I just heard on the news that our sewage testing is showing another upsurge may be coming.
So sorry you are going through this. Do know it will give your kids some grace with understanding that life isn't always a cake walk. But understand that this can't go on forever. There may be a combo of small stroke activity AND depression. Your docs will tell you all this is anything but an exact science. I have a friend in a study in Michigan now of long haulers. Life a misery since Covid. My now deceased brother's good friend has had his second bout with covid-19 and this one seems to have left him with a stroke like syndrome in which most of what he says comes out like speaking in tongues, is unable to feed himself. As he is on hospice there is no workup being done. Doctor says could be one of several things but he is seeing people with vascular changes, small stroke activity, and etc. after Covid. Wishing you good luck. Some of these things have no answer, and time will be the decider. If your Mom stays in this condition you will have to protect your child entering the most important formative years.
The first thing you can do is to not expose your daughter’s friends to the situation. Find activities outside of the home for the children. Grandma is sick, so we need to go to the park, mall, trampoline palace, roller skating, art studio, library, etc. Explain to your daughter’s friends parents’ that your mother is unwell and it is best that the children not be in the home and you appreciate any kind of accommodation they can make.
I also recommend that you keep your daughter busy at school, with after school projects and activities, and find time to be alone with her in the evenings. Maybe start a routine in her room or your room without your mother present. You may want to consider counseling for her as well.
In the meantime, check with your mother’s PCP’s office for resources for managing her care and living accommodations. Don’t take no for an answer. Also check with the diagnostician who is managing your mother’s MRI.
I know from personal experience how difficult it is for a child to grow up in a house with an unstable adult. It has a profound impact on their self esteem, self worth and ability to interact socially. It can cause hyper vigilance and it can cause depression. These children are more likely to turn to drugs and unsafe sex than their peers. Children from unstable family environments often under perform in school and are socially challenged. I would hate to see that happen with your daughter.
You are obviously a loving daughter and mother and have the best interests for both of them in your heart. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too.
Most definitely the mother should see her doctor, but you as a psych nurse would know well enough the first thing that would happen to a 79 year old that gets checked into a geriatric psych unit or any for that matter.
Pump her full of meds. I certainly can't blame a person, especially a senior, if they are hesitant about going the psych route when they have a problem.
I've worked as an in-home senior caregiver for almost 25 years and can tell you that more times than not the hard-line approach or tough love from family and caregivers is exactly what a stubborn, abusive senior needs. This kind of tough love approach also has to be tempered with kindness and compassion. Otherwise the family or caregiver is just being an a$$hole.
An elderly person like the OP's mother is used to being busy and active and was up until quite recently. She needs to have something to do. I'd bet anything that if her health checks out and she gets something worthwhile to do with her time, her behavior and temper tantrums will greatly improve.
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