Husband is 77 and had been in a nursing home for over 6 yrs. He demanded to come home and have wife (75) care for him. After being home 8 months, in and out of the hospital monthly for one thing or another, usually pulling his tubes out and developing infections, she is at her wits end. He refuses to go to rehab or nursing home. He seems to fall on a regular basis, her having to call 911 to help him up or take him to the hospital. She has to cook and clean for him, take care of all the medications, dr. appointments, never ending phone calls, bills, list goes on and on. He is constantly complaining about everything, says she is keeping things from him, and doesn't take care of him. On top of that, she has to take care of her grandson who is mentally disabled and now 18 and she has been taking care of him for the last 16 years. She is just ready to walk out unless he changes his attitude, and shows some appreciation for her. They have been married for over 50 years. She needs a break and he refuses to give her one. Can she get power of attorney to force him into a rehab or nursing home so she can get some rest?
Her second mistake is if she doesn’t walk out.
All I can think she could do is tell the social worker at the hospital that she cannot care for him on release from the hospital to force him into a nursing home, but if he's of sound mind, I don't think she can keep him from going home.
She needs a lawyer.
If he has care needs, he has rights to receive care. However, as slavery is illegal, he does not have the right to insist his Wife provide this care with her own hands & time. She is free to say no.
He must then take responsibility for his needs & arrange his care from the Realistic & Affordable options available to him.
She needs her health to care for him. Doctor's order.
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This isn’t working out well for either of them. He needs care. She needs a permanent separation from him.
I certainly hope that she will find a way to make this happen.
It's a sad situation all the way around. I just hate that she allowed him to talk her into bringing him home in the first place. She should have left well enough alone.
So next time he has to go to the hospital, his wife needs to be strong and let them know that he CANNOT return home as she can no longer care for him and they will HAVE TO find placement for him.
It is GIVEN.
The husband would have to ask the wife to be his POA. How likely is that when she will end putting him back in care, where he doesn't wish to be.
If doctors will testify that husband is incompetent to make his own decisions, then the wife can be his guardian and can put him in care again.
More than likely, however, doctors won't testify that he is incompetent to make his own decisions. Therefore the wife should see a divorce attorney, file for division of assets, and either separate legally or divorce said husband.
The grandson. She needs to find him a group home where he can be cared for. Also, he will have socialization. At 75 she has no idea how her own health will be or if she may die. Then who will care for the GS. At 18 he is considered emancipated. She will need to obtain guardianship over him. If he is not already receiving it, he can get Social Security Disability which will give him Medicare and Medicaid.
As for the husband, she will have to emancipate herself. We all have physical and emotional limitations, and we need to respect those. She has hit her limits and exceeded them. She can be a better friend to her husband if she doesn't have to be his full time slave. He may not understand it, but everyone wins if he goes back into care.
Husband needs to be in a care facility whether he likes it or not.
Is the wife afraid he will "mad at her? ". Yes, he probably will be, but given his lack of respect and concern for his wife's health and well-being, it!'s likely the home situation is not a bed of roses as it is now.
The thought of a group home for the disabled grandson is also worth investigating.
1. She is 75 yrs old. She should start looking for a facility for her grandson while she still has the capacity to do it.
2. I agree with another poster who suggested that the next time the husband falls and goes to the ER that she tell the social worker he cannot come back home because it's not safe and there is no one who can care for him.
At some point you have to reach for the oxygen mask for yourself.
Sounds like the dear lady has been taking on quite a burden her entire life. Assuming care for a disabled grandchild since he was 2? Where are the parents? I do hope she finds the strength to untangle herself from both and build her own happiness, free of those that take advantage.
I do not understand WHY after 6 years in a facility he would have been brought home. If she could not care for him when she was 69 and probably in better health, younger, stronger what would make her thi8ng=k she could do it now?
If he has been diagnosed with dementia and is unable to make decisions for himself based on the diagnosis he can be placed in Memory Care or if necessary Skilled Nursing.
If he does have dementia her expecting him to change, show appreciation it is not going to happen.
In the meantime,big he hasn't fallen or become combative and verbally abusive to you, go ahead and confer with his PCP and your PCP and share your status and inability to care for him. Get a case manager ( usually a licensed social worker) assigned to him to assist you with navigating placement options and various documents etc that need to be in place. You are being at minimum being disrespected,used, and controlled by him,( if not out right abused) from either him being in a mental state that doesn't allow him to make appropriate decisions ( get his cognitive status assessed and level of care needs defined) and or out of his grief/ denial and control issues fearing his own demise.
Get help.
In fact, I think I'd go meet with his doctor before the ER visit even happens again and explain to him home care has become greater than wife can manage. After each fall he's had, the home care becomes even more while wife is trying to care for a young disabled adult. Once dr is aware of the situation, he might be able to step right in to assist with hosp release to rehab/NH the next time they have to call him to say hubs is back in the hospital from a fall. Get the Dr on board.
As for POA to put someone in NH??? Probably not. To place someone in a hosptial, you'd have to go to a judge to show he's not able to make decisions for himself. I have a feeling there's nothing wrong with hubby's mind, he's just a self centered person who wants what he wants. Maybe wife encouraged that behavior during the marriage - she likely is the selfLESS type person who accepts caregiver role, especially since she has also taken on that role for a grandson.
The wife cannot give herself POA for the husband, but she can have her state come in and establish guardianship of her husband and her grandson. The grandson has reached the legal age of majority so the grandmother cannot make decisions legally anymore for the grandson. The grandson is now an adult.
It’s time for the wife to take control of her life and stop allowing her husband to control her life. My advice for the wife is to call her state and have them come in and establish guardianship of her husband ASAP so she can move on and enjoy the rest of her life. Once her husband has become a ward of the state she should never look back or even think of the husband. The husband has treated her badly and he does not deserve this good woman.
The wife cannot give herself POA for the husband, but she can have her state come in and establish guardianship of her husband and her grandson. The grandson has reached the legal age of majority so the grandmother cannot make decisions legally anymore for the grandson. The grandson is now an adult.
It’s time for the wife to take control of her life and stop allowing her husband to control her life. My advice for the wife is to call her state and have them come in and establish guardianship of her husband ASAP so she can move on and enjoy the rest of her life. Once her husband has become a ward of the state she should never look back or even think of the husband. The husband has treated her badly and he does not deserve this good woman.
Option number 2 might be to be ‘unavailable’ all day for about a week. One good reason would be to spend the time on the research for alternative accommodation and care for her mentally disabled grandson, now that he is an adult. She just goes home at night. Alternatively she just goes out for the day for about a week, on doctor’s instructions because she is burnt out. Go with her to the doctor, to make sure the instruction comes across clearly as essential. Give DH the phone number for home delivered food, and reasonably limited purse of money to pay for it. Also a phone number for emergency treatment if he has ‘pulled his tubes out’ and has ‘developed an infection’.
A week of this ought to change the situation, and probably lead to the hospital option. But she is clearly a ‘soft touch’, even if now you think she is on the verge of walking out. You need to be there so that she doesn’t get pressured to ‘keep going’.
She was with caregivers, and I had gone to my own home 75 miles away. The caregiver didn't know what to do and my mom was verbally abusive to her. I called 911 and had her taken to the ER for altered mental status. I told her caregiver to go home and get some rest. She also tested positive for Covid.
Two hours after the ER admission, a very cheerful doctor called me with the "good news" that my mom was "fine" and I could take her home. I made it clear that I had Covid, was not driving 75 miles to take her home, where she would continue to be disoriented and abusive. I was told that dementia is not a reason for them to keep her, neither was Covid as it was a mild case. I was not going to call another of her caregivers to go and get her and expose them to Covid as well.
They agreed to keep her, but as private pay as there was no medical reason to keep her. When, on January 2, when I was finally feeling better, I went to get her, the case manager told me that I would be taking her home against medical advice, as her care needs were too great. She wasn't a patient, but taking her home was AMA? This started the process of having her placed, but I still spent almost $50k for three months of 24/7 care at home. I have yet to receive the bill for her "not a patient" stay, which insurance will not cover, as she was not admitted.