My sister and I are getting the silent treatment from our mom after she fell and broke her hip and was in rehab. My sister flew in from overseas and I flew in from out of state to see how we could help. Mom has a plan to move to assisted living, so my sister and I believed she would be ready after the latest health incident (she has had many). We worked very hard on mom’s house clearing out old clothes that she hadn’t even laid eyes on for over 10 years as they were stored downstairs and she hasn’t been able to handle stairs in a decade. We also, with her permission, cleaned out a very wet storage area and made many trips to the dump. We toured assisted living facilities, replaced her broken dishwasher and garage door opener, dry cleaned and rehung drapes and bedspreads...but in the end, mom was insistent on returning home with 24/7 nursing care. My sister and I tried to communicate with mom that we didn’t think she was making a rational decision and ultimately told her that her legal guardianship service was going to have to make the arrangements for her return home as we had to return to our homes and jobs. That was when mom decided to go silent on us. Mom has used the silent treatment on us our entire lives. She is very manipulative and knows we will finally cave in and apologize in order to get back in her good graces. This time feels very different for me as I am actually seeing her treatment of us as emotional abuse, but it is still really hard to handle, especially with Mother’s Day yesterday and no communication with mom. Does anyone have words of advice? I think this is a pretty common tactic that people use to get their way!
"She is very manipulative and knows we will finally cave in and apologize in order to get back in her good graces."
Advice? Stay strong, both of you. DON'T cave. There's no need for ANY apology from either you or your sister. She wants to go home, go home. She hired this person for just such a situation and it is very cruel of her to start acting like a petulant child.
Of course you still care. Whatever her behavior, she's still your mother and you still want what's best for her. She made her stand and when you two bowed out, she pulls this? That said, you can still send cards and or gifts. You can still try to call and ask how she's doing. Just don't cave. Don't apologize. Don't give in to her "way." Hold your heads up high. You've gone above and beyond to help her out and been rebuffed. Her loss, not yours. DON'T CAVE!!!!!
You can't see it as peace, perfect peace? Even so, I don't see why on earth you should put yourself out just in the hope of yet another hiding to nothing.
But if the tension is too much, call her and ask her how she's settling in at home. Now that she's made her decision she is, actually, entitled to ask you to accept it even if you don't agree with it. It was her decision to make.
Do not feel any guilt for stepping back from toxic family to protect your own health.
Right now, she 'needs me' to take her to Bingo once a week. While a month ago, she couldn't figure out how to call me, now, she has a reason to call me every Monday to remind me that she has Bingo the next day.
The irony is not lost on me.
Luckily I realized that the silent treatment was only hurting her. I learned long ago that I do not have a 'normal, healthy' relationship with my mom and I never will. She's using me, plain and simple, but it's something I can do for her, so I do.
As long as she wants to go to Bingo, she'll be talking to me.
But honestly? When she's been radio silent, it wasn't bad at all. I kind of liked it.
If your mother not talking to you wasn't bad at all and you kind of liked it, why are you taking her to bingo?
You're letting her be manipulative and use you.
She can get a hired companion to take her to bingo. You don't owe her anything.
If you're comfortable with bringing her to bingo, or even speaking to her then continue. You have the option to make yourself unavailable to her when she needs or wants something.
I think you'd be better off making yourself unavailable.
It is a terrible way to treat someone. I live in a wretched hell on earth because of my mother.
It's not new either. I've always been treated abusively by her my entire life. I'm forced to be her caregiver now in her old age because I've fallen on financial hardship and the only choice I have really is this or the street.
I'm always pleased to hear when people aren't stuck also living with the elderly abusers they're forced to be caregivers to. That makes all the difference because they can walk away.
I would feel no guilt whatsoever if I could put my mother in a nursing home and would have no problem walking away.
They found out later while being 'silent' to them, FIL was busy being anything but silent to others - busy recruiting his next servants.. (nieces, nephew) 🤣🤣
If you don’t take the bait by giving her attention, her behavior won’t serve any purpose, but it probably won’t change her behavior. If you don’t react to her behavior, at least you won’t drive yourself crazy by falling for her tactics.
I know a woman who tells complete strangers things like, “Would you treat your mother like you are treating me?” One man told her, “Do you treat your son like the way you are treating me? You are a crazy woman!” LOL
I have told this woman that she has to stop treating people so mean, her children and strangers that she feels are wrong, because she will only attract a negative response. Her answer to me was, “This is who I have always been and I can’t change now.” She admitted to me that she wasn’t about to change her behavior. She is a person of extremes, either hot or cold! One minute she tells people off and the next minute, she gives the silent treatment. There is no even keel in her behavior.
Forget trying to get these people to therapy. When I suggested therapy she said, “That’s nonsense and doesn’t work!”
So, in my opinion, some people are hopeless! Don’t even bother and take advantage of the peace and quiet.
Hopefully her guardianship service is on the level and will take good care of your mother.
May you and your sister find peace and grace as you work through this situation.
Except, that you are now an adult and get to choose if you want that ticket punched.
I agree with the others... enjoy the silence and live your life. Your mom will get in touch when she needs you.
That's what I recommend doing now that she has decided that you are not worthy of her attention.
People like this end up alone and bitter and just can't figure out how that happened. I would be on guard for her making nice if she has always waited for you all to come begging for forgiveness. Because she is probably in dire need and will expect you to rush to her aide.
My mom used this tactic and there are many years that we have not spoken. I told her after the last tantrum that I will not be back if she pulls it again. I would never see, speak or acknowledge her existence in any way shape or form, guess what, she doesn't pull that crap anymore. I never reached out to her, she would start telling family that she would like to see me and I would tell them that she made the decision to not have contact, so she can pick up the phone and change it.
You are no longer children that have to accept the abuse from your parents, you are adults and can absolutely say no more, enough is enough. I would tell her, write a letter or whatever it takes to get her to hear, that she has that choice but, you will no longer be participating in the nonsense and she can stop or you will not be available to her ever again.
I don't know why parents think that they have immunity to crap all over their offspring. It is not okay and people should start telling them that. What do you really have to lose? Abuse, guilt, ????
If she is competent, then she knows full well what she is doing and only you can refuse to play. Best of luck!
Your mother wants to use a 'guardianship service' to get her own way? GREAT! Go back home and live your life. You will, of course, be called again and again to pick up the pieces of the destruction she causes by her insistence to 'age in place' at home. But eventually, the 'guardianship service' will have no other alternative but to have her placed in Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing after one too many 'incidents' making it glaringly obvious she's unfit to live at home, with or without help.
Don't cave this time; let her stay quiet for as long as she chooses to, who cares? That's the ONLY way to deal with passive/aggressive people. You don't let them win, otherwise, they tend to up their game with one childish tactic after another.
Best of luck!
And, the rehab will not release her if she is 24/7 care and there is no one to care for her. If she has a guardian/or service, then that person will need to set up 24/7 care in her home and prove it to the Rehab or the guardian/service will place her in an AL. Which if I was a guardian/service she would be in an AL because I would not want to oversee 3 shifts of aides that may or may not show up.
You can’t make anyone eat.
You can’t make anyone a responsive interactive communicator.
If this has worked to manipulate you and your sister in the past, she is expecting it to work again. If it does, she will continuing to use it.
What you have done in terms of setting her up with 24/7 care is presumably the safest, most loving living arrangement you are able to figure out WITH HER INPUT.
You have discussed her current options. Assuming that she’s cognitively intact, she knows what her options are.
She chose to implement the silent treatment knowing it was Mother’s Day.
My “silent sufferer” chose to become silent a week after my first child was born. I
believe her silence resulted in part in my father’s untimely death a week later. I understand where you are with this.
Why is she under guardianship? Who is it, the county? Or another relative? May you gain wisdom and peace in your hearts as you wait her out.