My brother is older and lives with my mom. He does not have a job so he is available to take her to appointments and be home with her more than anyone else. He also loves to cook so we thought he'd enjoy making her nutritious meals. However, when it comes to bills and adulting.. he is not doing what is needed. He is driving her car and using her debit card. He is isolating her from the outside world and throwing a huge pity party over how much this is taking a toll on him. I know my mom would not want him to have a say in her care because they had a strained relationship previous to her stroke. He is really good at convincing others everything is fine but the more people that are physically present in our little family, they are seeing how bad reality is. I don't know how to protect my mom without him taking it out on her or something.
How is it your brother - with whom you say your mother has a "strained relationship" - become her primary caregiver? Was this because he still lived with her; because he had no employment; other reasons; some combination thereof?
How much care does your mom need? If she needs 24/7 care, I'm not really sure how you expect your brother to get a job WHILE he remains her primary caregiver... is there a care agreement set up between him and mom? Is he being compensated for her care beyond room and board?
If the rest of the siblings feel this is a dangerous situation for mom, then you're going to have to make some tough choices if mom can't live alone anymore - either hire full time care, have her placed in an appropriate facility, or one (or more) of you other family members are going to have to step in to take over her care.
But, it could be your brother is suffering from caregiver burn out, because maybe mom's care needs are just beyond what he is able and willing to do. Has he expressed any need for help or support from you and your other family members?
I’ve been in his shoes and it is no picnic. IF you see something that could truly harm Mom, step in. And get some assistance for you both!
Paying a caregiver hourly can also be very expensive.
if this relationship is stressful for your mom, why did someone arrange for him to move in? If he is financially irresponsible, why was he given access to the debit card?
These problems are easier to avoid than resolve.
Sangeeta- it’s a sad reality that the way some people feel better about themselves is to step on or put down others for what they do. Then there’s other people who feel better about themselves by doing good
Your profile mentions depression which makes me wonder if this existed before the stroke as well. Either way stroke, heart surgery amongst other medical conditions can easily cause depression and that should be monitored by her doctor. I point this out because you mention isolation as a concern and that may not be initiated by your brother even though it may very well be made easy. In fact it sounds like they may both be in places that often foster isolation and simply feeding off each other which is understandable but probably not healthy for either one. That said I’m not sure if you mean that your brother is isolating your mom from her family or if you mean from the outside world, friends and extended family that want to come by and she would normally welcome the interaction with. They are two diffrent things in my mind and maybe something to consult with the doctor about as part of her recovery concerns.
If one of you has POA and has already been put in a position of trust and authority by your mother that person is going to have to be a big part of the solution here and I hope that person is now very involved. If that person is the brother now living with her…well she placed him in that position of responsibility and your concerns may be harder to get met. If no one has POA or you feel it was somehow coerced, really even if the live in brother has it, Daughterof1930 is right you or you need to have a discussion with Mom, without your brother around, about what her wishes and desires are. I wouldn’t start with your concerns or by bashing your brother, after all he is doing a lot and providing something the rest of you were not able to but giving her multiple openings to express any changes she might want or how it’s really going here with brother, is it nice to have this time to reestablish a relationship… If the idea of establishing these legal authorities feels overwhelming to her and she’s resistant you could tell her that the hospital requested it while she was there and both the staff and her doctor are really pushing to have these things in place just in case, everyone should and as you have learned it makes things much harder when they aren’t. You don’t want decisions taken out of her families hands and therefore her hands. Also there can be more than one design maker, there can be a step down approach and there can be different people for healthcare and finances it doesn’t have to be one cookie cutter way. Then when you know her wishes it’s probably time to have the discussion with all of the players together, not to gang up on brother but to take care of setting up moms wishes. It also could be to take some of the burden off brother, he is doing the lions share of the work, wether it’s because it works out for him now or not and he shouldn’t have to be taking care of all the bills, ordering medication, yard work whatever could be done by others at least some of the time and should be. At 63 the finances become even more important if she won’t be getting back to work and managing them herself because her life expediency is probably longer than my mother at 80 for instance, meaning the money is going to have to last longer and or she will likely need Medicaid and that means being very careful about how appropriately she spends her money.
Your brother has left you the perfect in for all of this by throwing his “pity party” which may be warranted even though he should be looking to his future not just Mom’s. Remember taking these steps means actually contributing to the work, put up or shut up. It does sound like you are more than willing and love your mom very much. Good luck
help his mom , maybe burnout is underway. Do you live within a couple hours of your mom ? Can you take her once a week for dinner ? Or have her for an overnight once a week on weekends ?
I realize that it may come with some disruption for you ( that’s part of what makes caregiving tough) and extreme efforts but she is your mom too and the weight of her care needs to be shared in some capacity amongst all of you . Can you drop off a meal once a week? This is where I would start . If your not , figure out how you can help him get a break regularly at least once Week.
If the situation is extreme and your mom’s well fare is in jeopardy that’s different , take her to a safer environment with yourself.
You need to differentiate between is this burnout versus a neglectful attitude ? And don’t just assume .
If your going to sit with him to talk about it , maybe approach it from trying to figure out what your moms current needs are and who is going to do what . Yes , that means all of you involved in some capacity to make her life happen . once you have established all of her needs such as bathing, meals, banking , car maintenance schedule , errand running , shopping, scheduled companionship ship , dr’s appointments to make a few , figure out who is doing what . If this is a job for your brother , set a pay rate per hour and how much it would take to pay for his half of the rent . Or not so formally, what he considereds reasonable task for trade of accommodations. It’s a starting ground snd then you know where the gaps are . We are looking into this and where I am , private help is going for 25 per hour and through a company 35-39 per hour To give you an idea .
Companionship for your mom is something that needs to be addressed and accommodated for . If you had to look outside of your brother for this and you probably do , you may have to pay .
Perhaps the sibling geographically furthest can take on tasks that can be done virtually such as banking if they can’t physically help due to distance . Debit cards can be changed so that they don’t access savings accounts so mis pending can be limited and monthly budgets can be set . Talk to your mom about setting up something like this is protect her finances .
good luck ! It takes a village , never a single person .
I have a friend who did caregiving for her mom for a while and her two siblings who didn’t assist with that provided their part w a stipend to her every month for her gas and car needs, ( as a caregiver much of the time you use your car it’s for the seniors needs) just wondering since you didn’t mention anything on your end sounds like perhaps there isn’t anything or you would have mentioned it, what if anything do you contribute/ chip in? It sounds like he’s full time which many siblings choose and want to compensate their sibling for — ( if he left you’d be looking at least 2,000 on the low end a week for live in 24/7 care)
Caregiving is a thankless job and it is taking advantage of him not to be paid. He has no quality of life, no time to relax, causing his own stress levels to rise... and now siblings are and accusing and complaining. With the added stress of siblings complaints... all i can say if you think you can do it better then hupto.... I've been in your brothers position. Nothing is ever good enough for the siblings that refuse to step in with her daily care. Banking etc is easy.... it only takes a few moments in time. speaking of depression, your brother has it! I don't know the man, but i know the job and stress that comes with it.
The freebie of your mom's care needs to stop, and you all need to step in or hire HIM some help.
Tell your brother that her health has declined and she needs professional care. If the home is "hers", let him know you will be selling it as well as her car to meet her financial needs. Also report her debit card/credit card/checkbook for theft (through his usage). Have them send new cards to you. Explain to your brother that her accounts have been hacked and that you are fixing that - so mom's debit card/credit cards and checkbook will not work anymore. Suggest that your brother start applying and interviewing for employment as well as finding a new place to live before mom's place sells - which could be as soon as 1 week after posting it for sale.
Your brother needs supplemental care to come in to give him a break at certain hours of the day or at least a couple of days per week so that he can have some resemblance of a life.
I must say I bristled when I read you thought he would enjoy cooking for her and that he throws a huge pity party over how it is taking a toll on him. I am guessing his pity parties do not result in anyone stepping in to help so he can have a break?
As the sibling who is supposed to be enjoying this, I can tell you it is not easy or enjoyable and it does take a toll. If he has no job and is unable to get a job since he has a 25 hour a day unpaid job, then why is there an issue in him using the car? where does he get money from? Is there a reason it is entirely his responsibility to give the care? and for free??
The best way to help your mum is to step in and help her and help your brother too.
You could also just pay him for his time. A PSW here makes about $20 (more for overnight but for argument's sake we'll just add up the daytime ) so $320 a day x 7. .. $2240 a week (oh and side note : PSW's are horrendously underpaid for what they do)
Keep in mind, unless he is abusing your mom, she would be happier being able to stay in her own home.
Brother is there 24/7 when no one else is, right? Is the amount he is using on debit card more or less than what a 24/7 caregiver would cost you? Is he using more than comes in each month? Can she afford to let him spend on himself while he is the designated 24/7 caregiver? Is there any chance she will run out of money and need Medicaid to go to a NH later on? Driving the car is the least of any concern.
Whether or not you like him/hate him/angry with him - he's there all the time. He probably IS tired. Anyone would be. Anyway you or other sibs could offer him a little respite on a regular basis. Perhaps from his perspective, he's hanging out to dry all alone while others are now nitpicking what they view as a freebie for him. What if he did have a job??? Who would be there to fill in while he worked?
Does he abuse her? Is he kind to her? Is she neglected? Things to consider.