Hi there,
So I recently had a rare visit from my sister who came to the family home. I live with my elderly mum who has some mental health issues who I'm a caregiver for in her house, but it's our home. I've had a journey with depression and anxiety that meant my mum wasn't getting the care she needed. However over lockdown, I was able to manage with it better, get myself healthy and start to care for my mum and make real changes.
I have 2 sisters, and a niece from my middle sister. During my illness, they would occasional come over. My older sister would come more frequently, but would just shout at my mum to change things (the house was deteriorating and my mum has poor hygiene which was evident upon entry from smell and hoarding etc.). And then leave. I call this caring to the point of inconvenience, as she would come and visit and go to the doctors, but wouldn't be there if a nurse showed up to the house, so nothing happened. Nor clean consistently (5 times over the 4 years I was ill) etc. My middle sister with my niece would visit infrequently, but only to get money off my mum. My niece would do the same.
As I got better, I started to make changes, and as I call it, as I came up, so did my mum, so I started cleaning and decluttering, even with her being abusive towards me and started to get the ball to rolling to get Mum help and engaging with my older sister (who I stopped talking to as she was overbearing and belittling) and we managed to get Mum into a mental health facility. I continued to declutter etc. My middle sister was against this, but my mum needed help. And she slowly changed her mind.
So through the years, through persistent, consistency, presence and determination and through self-care and therapy, we got repairs done to the house, to where now it feels like a home. Again I did all the hard work and keeping a schedule for my mum, cleaning, making sure she had clean clothes and that they got changed. It's was hard as she was resistant, but her change, small to some has been incredible and I'm proud of her. She has been through a lot and our relationship is a lot better.
Some of the things we got fixed, roof, boiler, my middle sister nor niece knows about as my mum agreed to pay for it and I didn't want them to try and bleed her out for money. As they don't come to the house often (2 times this year so far, they usually drag my mum to go meet them - under a guise to get cash, I tell my mum don't give them to much and don't chat your business), that wasn't a problem.
But to the point of this. When I was ill and when I came out of it, as I was decluttering, I noticed some items of mine were missing, one was a dress. One day my niece came to the house and she rocks up in that dress and when I asked her where she got it from, she said her mum brought it for her!
As the house got fixed, and because I now have a proper bedroom, I put a lock on the door. But also on the other 2 bedrooms (except mums) because they have my things in it.
Now my middle sister came to the house saw the locks and asked about it and said that she doesn't like it, makes her feel uninvited and what if someone wants to stay at the house? The locks are just combination padlocks, and they haven't stayed at the house since before 2020).
I said to her that it's mum's house but our home. And she said yes it's our home and I said no, mum and my home. And that I noticed some things missing and as the rooms have some of my belonging in it, I decided to put a lock on my door and I'm not accusing anyone of anything but they aren't coming off. She keep arguing and saying we are going to have a family meeting, she should have been consulted etic and then he went and called my niece and someone else. When she came up she didn't bring it up again.
I'm worried because she can manipulate my mum, and she is snidely. But also because she doesn't understand or respect what I've done, doing and that this is my home also.
What can I do? Am I wrong?
If mother won't put your name on the house, ask the attorney if you can get paid for caring for your mother or if the family home is sold afterwards can you be reimbursed for care.
This is unpaid labor from you that your siblings are taking for granted. When everything is said and done, you still want to be standing.
It's your mums home, and unless your mum puts your name on the title of the home it remains to just be your mums.
And I can only imagine that when your mum dies that the family home will be sold and proceeds will be split according to your mums will if she even has a will.
Or perhaps your siblings will allow you to buy their portions out of mums house if need be, but they don't really sound like the kind of folks that will be willing to work with you in any way, nor does it sound like you would be able to afford that, so you may need to be thinking about where you might would need to go if and when your mum dies, so that you're not blindsided.
I don’t know how it works where you live.
You would probably prefer to avoid trashing your Sis to M, but you must do it enough to protect yourself. Perhaps just the incident about S removing your clothes and giving them to her daughter, will be enough to make it clear that S thinks she has control over your home and your belongings. Ask M what she thinks ought to happen when she stops living there – she probably just thinks it will all work out amicably. She and you need to be clear that it can’t be assumed.
At the same time, it would probably be a good idea to bring up a care contract for the help that you currently give M. It will only increase, and you need to be paid for it – even if money doesn’t change hands straight away. Another thing you and M can’t assume is that ‘of course it will all be done fairly, taking everything into account’.
And if M won’t deal with any of this, you need to think about moving out and letting the ‘independence’ facade fall over. You don’t want to do this now, but you don’t want to end up very very bitter when it’s too late to change things. Even a workable alternative plan may help to get all the issues treated seriously.
🤔
Time to check the deed and see whose name this home is actually in. Make copies for the family.
Then time to evict and/or deny access to any trouble- makers, related or not.
If they continue to cause problems call the police.
Who owns a property is a LEGAL issue.
People may call the place they live their home - there status may be owners, renters, maybe even squatters.
Anything can be a home. Renting a hotel room for long enough or a long term caravan rental are also homes.
Home. It is a concept.
So I'd ignore all talk of who owns the house. If you have lived there for many many years, you have the right to call it Your Home.
People coming into the house to take a dress or whatever that does not belong to them, without asking is STEALING. It's that simple.
It is a shame you have had to do so, against family, but if you need to put a lock on your bedroom door to stop people stealing from you: DO IT!
Make it clear with your words too. This is my room. My space.
If you like, set new boundaries..
I will be respectful when I enter your space/home. I ask you to respect my space also.
First of all happy to hear your life is on track and you took action!
These things go on where there are siblings and the family home is still in the picture. It's important for you to maintain good credit. Make sure you have utilities in your name or some type of rent receipts/board, cell phone, etc.
Basically, you are residing in the family home but, unless, your name is on the deed, it's still your mother's home. After my dad passed very suddenly when I was in Grad school after 2 years mother decided to sell the home. It was the best thing she ever did. Because my eldest brother would say to me, this is "Mom's" home. I never wanted the house nor do I require a 4-bedroom w/in-law apartment dwelling. But I was the "one" who cleaned out the garage, took care of grandma, worked f/t, attended grad school, etc. you get it. I don't make a lot of noise but I roll up my sleeves.
But, when mother decided to sell and move to a nice apartment, they "meaning" 3 siblings still weren't happy. I told Mom you can't afford to put on the Sunday dinners' when you no longer have the income you used to when dad was living. Things change. Keep in the mind, the next generation did not stay home on a Sunday, open their doors and cook for mother. My mother's house was a "drop-off" center for free babysitting from my mother, you name it, my mother did it and make it look easy. My mother was always on the giving end and they on the receiving.
We both moved to a beautiful apartment with "both" our names on the lease along with utilities. Mother would vacation in FL with my brother and other relatives during the wintertime. It was a good situation for us in a safe location. We never looked back.
Money is a funny thing. In all honesty, I would seek a free one-hour consultation with a lawyer. You are doing all the work and when mother passes you will get ousted. Have papers drawn up from an Elder Attorney so there are no surprises when mother passes. You have to do these things when your mind is clear and you are not in bereavement.
You need to have an income, plenty of places are hiring remotely for Christmas and not assume anything. You are setting yourself up. I know it's hard but get your affairs in order "before" mother passes or her level of care exceeds what you provide. Check out flexjobs.com
You can't assume that you are doing all of the work and it's going to be appreciated because from you write here it doesn't appear to be. These forums are fine but you need legal counsel and get everything in writing.
I hope I was of some help to you.
Let her know that you are not going to continue to help her and keep the home up if she's going to allow your siblings and niece to treat you as they do. Then paint her a picture of what her life will look like if you left because you refuse to be treated so badly. If she agrees and wants you to stay then go to a lawyer with her and get some agreements is writing that will be a safeguard for you in the event that she passes away or put into a care facility.
For your sake I hope you haven't painted yourself into a corner where you're also financially depedent on your mother because you don't work and earn your own money. Is it correct to assume that you live rent-free and don't contribute financially to the home? Even if you spent money on repairs, that can be counted as rent.
Get something legally done in writing with your mother concerning the house. Your mother could put the place into a Trust and set it up so that you have exclusive use of the place for as long as you want. This means you make the rules for the place, you live as you like, and you would be responsible for all repairs, taxes, insurance, and utilities. It would be your choice to take in paying guests to help with cost if you like. Then when you decide to sell it the peoceeds will be divided equally with you and your siblings.
Talk to your mom about setting the house up in a Trust and take her to a lawyer. Either she does this or you go. If she refuses to make any arrangements, you have to make a plan to move out and let her fend for herself.
My friend, it's like former First Lady Michelle Obama said the other night at the Democrat convention.
Don't sit around complaining. Do something!
Ps. Think about the dress you believe your niece stole from you. Would you steal clothing from a filthy, hoarded mess?
She probably wouldn't either.
I'm going to be replying to everyone's answer and many thanks for them as well!
I'm from the UK. Unfortunately my mum doesn't want me to have power of attorney, and to for a court of protection (where someone is deemed not to have mental capacity) takes ages, family members would have to be informed, which is going to cause too many issues. But to me most of all, I don't want to put my mum through that. I'm not caring for my mum for money or when she passes to get a portion of the house. It would be great to have some security, but I wouldn't want to put her through it, and for me, because she has such an abusive life from my father spaning decades and mental health issues too, I just want her to be comfortable, safe and happy, and that someone actually has her back.
Because that's what she always needed. Care.
I know when she passes away, I'm going to get screwed other, and I'm kinda my making peace with that.
It's just that my middle sister and her daughter are opportunists. There motives for doing things, is if it's going to benefit themselves or show themselves in a good light. E.g. my middle sister, when mum went into a mental health facility, visited her for the 1st 4 day, but after that she didn't visit her at all and she was in there for 3 months. The fun and excitement of it all (I know) had gone, the hard work had to start and it didn't serve her so she didn't go.
I went there twice to 3 times a week, consistently even when at that time, I could count on one hand, because of my illness, I only would come out of the house 5 times a year. But u forced myself cos mum needed me and she has been let down so much.
The main thing for this question was about how another sibling or siblings and other family members should treat the sibling that is looking after a parent in the parents house. It's my mums house (legally etc) but it's mum and my home, and I'm the one who has turned the house from a depressive, cluttered, dark and ill feeling house. A house that was unsafe for my mum and I with roof leaks, ceiling collapsing and water coming in, and at points no central heating. I slept on the sofa downstairs for 5 years.
To a home, that has light, has lifted from the decades of abuse, is calm and peaceful. that my mum engages in now. They garden I made beautiful and she sometimes goes in there and picks fruit, safer because the roof is fixed and areas of damage fixed. Still some things to fix up, but getting there slowly and at her pace. And she enjoys the home now. She used to literally sit in her room in darkness, but I started opening up the curtains, get some air in. Her mental and physical health has improved and although we don't have that mother daughter relationship cos she was ill when I was growing up, there is a new relationship that wasn't there previously and all this is down to her also and I'm proud of her.
But for me, for my middle sister to complain and demand meeting etc, because I put locks on the bedroom doors, when she has done nothing but take. And she know what her daughter is like, she even out a lock on her bedroom door cos of her daughter.
And yes they don't come often, but I don't want to worry every time I go out that they may come and go through my belongings. Also my niece even and without consultation wanted to use the house to get her eyelashes done, bringing over a stranger that neither of us knew, she just met and who she is now on the outs with and whom I found out, that her mother, my middle sister didnt want at her house because the girls bf has a criminal record!
Not to judge anyone, but what if they wanted revenge on my niece & came to the house? They have no awareness or care.
There are more things, but I just feel personally, yes it can be the family home, it's my mum house legally, but we both live there & it's our primary home so there needs to be respect. My oldest sister has no problem with it & knows how they stay. But for me there has to be some respect
For me, if I had a sibling that lived for years with my Mom and took care of her and made sure the house was kept up, I would consider the house their "home" too. And because of this, I would tell my parent to leave it to them. If Mom gave permission for those locks, then sis can't say anything.
Here in the US there are ways to make sure someone gets the house. By Will or Ladybird deed. Ladybird the house reverts to the person upon death. If Mom wants you to have the house and she is compent, see a lawyer to see what should be done. Once your on the deed, it is then your house.
I'm going to be replying to everyone's answer and many thanks for them as well!
I'm from the UK. Unfortunately my mum doesn't want me to have power of attorney, and to for a court of protection (where someone is deemed not to have mental capacity) takes ages, family members would have to be informed, which is going to cause too many issues. But to me most of all, I don't want to put my mum through that. I'm not caring for my mum for money or when she passes to get a portion of the house. It would be great to have some security, but I wouldn't want to put her through it, and for me, because she has such an abusive life from my father spaning decades and mental health issues too, I just want her to be comfortable, safe and happy, and that someone actually has her back.
Because that's what she always needed. Care.
I know when she passes away, I'm going to get screwed other, and I'm kinda my making peace with that.
It's just that my middle sister and her daughter are opportunists. There motives for doing things, is if it's going to benefit themselves or show themselves in a good light. E.g. my middle sister, when mum went into a mental health facility, visited her for the 1st 4 day, but after that she didn't visit her at all and she was in there for 3 months. The fun and excitement of it all (I know) had gone, the hard work had to start and it didn't serve her so she didn't go.
I went there twice to 3 times a week, consistently even when at that time, I could count on one hand, because of my illness, I only would come out of the house 5 times a year. But u forced myself cos mum needed me and she has been let down so much.
The main thing for this question was about how another sibling or siblings and other family members should treat the sibling that is looking after a parent in the parents house. It's my mums house (legally etc) but it's mum and my home, and I'm the one who has turned the house from a depressive, cluttered, dark and ill feeling house. A house that was unsafe for my mum and I with roof leaks, ceiling collapsing and water coming in, and at points no central heating. I slept on the sofa downstairs for 5 years.
To a home, that has light, has lifted from the decades of abuse, is calm and peaceful. that my mum engages in now. They garden I made beautiful and she sometimes goes in there and picks fruit, safer because the roof is fixed and areas of damage fixed. Still some things to fix up, but getting there slowly and at her pace. And she enjoys the home now. She used to literally sit in her room in darkness, but I started opening up the curtains, get some air in. Her mental and physical health has improved and although we don't have that mother daughter relationship cos she was ill when I was growing up, there is a new relationship that wasn't there previously and all this is down to her also and I'm proud of her.
But for me, for my middle sister to complain and demand meeting etc, because I put locks on the bedroom doors, when she has done nothing but take. And she know what her daughter is like, she even out a lock on her bedroom door cos of her daughter.
And yes they don't come often, but I don't want to worry every time I go out that they may come and go through my belongings. Also my niece even and without consultation wanted to use the house to get her eyelashes done, bringing over a stranger that neither of us knew, she just met and who she is now on the outs with and whom I found out, that her mother, my middle sister didnt want at her house because the girls bf has a criminal record!
Not to judge anyone, but what if they wanted revenge on my niece & came to the house? They have no awareness or care.
There are more things, but I just feel personally, yes it can be the family home, it's my mum house legally, but we both live there & it's our primary home so there needs to be respect. My oldest sister has no problem with it & knows how they stay. But for me there has to be some respect
You've written us another long missive telling us how odious the sisters are. I BELIEVE YOU BUT......
To that I will tell you something you already know, or should know. You cannot change others. How your sisters behave is not in your control.
It is unlikely they will ever change.
That is something to let go of at once.
Now the only REAL IMPORTANT question. You say you are not the POA.
That means, if you live together, that your mother can have visits from whomever she pleases.
THE QUESTION IS ARE YOU ON THE DEED OF THIS HOUSE?
You tell us you live together and the home belongs to you both.
My question really is are you on the deed. Because if not, the home doesn't belong to you. It will belong, after her death to whomever it is bequeathed to in Mom's will. And that will likely be a division of assets and sale of the home.
You have had advice about 'what you can do, and are you wrong?', and are rejecting it. You may not feel the same way when it actually happens, so remember that it was always your own choice.
And in the meantime, please think again!
You really don't have a lot to say then even if you are a caregiver.
The house will almost certainly then be divided by will according to how it is written or between the siblings equally if there is no will.
Sorry that you are having all a hard time getting along, because it makes it so much more difficult for your Mum as well. I wish you all well.