My Mom is 70 and my dad passed away four years back. My elder sister has never cared about my mom or sent her any money until now. I do monthly transfers for my mom and she was living alone as she couldn’t travel. My sister is earning two times more than me and is living a very luxurious life, but never wanted to have mom with her. My sister had guilt tripped my mom that she abused her when we grew up. My mom has been feeling guilty and she always supports to my sister and never me. My mom never talks to my sister comfortably as they end up fighting every single time. She calls and checks on only once in a week or two times in a month. I call my mom every single day and check on her. But my mom always supports her. My sister called a year back said she is lonely and down. I travelled (11 hr. drive) to her place and comforted her. She was happy the first time but the next time she treated me and my kids so bad. At this point I am so depressed that my mom is alone, I convinced her to be with me and after a long argument with my sister I convinced her to bring my mom with me. But my mom is constantly supporting my sister and talks so biased like her elder daughter should be happy. Whenever they both fight with each other my mom talks disappointed to me but the next minute she says she is the best. My always complains and put me down and have made me cry so many times. I don’t want her to suffer alone so I decided to take care of her no matter what. But I don’t know how to control my emotions when she supports my sister even though they both hardly talk with each other. Could someone please suggest me some ways to help myself control my emotions and control the effect of toxicity? All I want to do is take care of my mom good and see her be happy at my house. I don’t want to hurt her feelings by any means. My kids and husband are very well behaved and they cooperate, so good for any decisions I make. I want to be nice to my mom even if she hurt my feelings. Please provide your valuable suggestions.
I understand that you want your mom to receive good care. Please know that this care doesn’t have to be provided by you.
Family dynamics change in these circumstances and usually not for the better.
You are expecting too much from yourself. We cannot tell you what to do in this situation to “control your emotions” in order to care for your mom.
I think you should listen to your emotions. They are telling you that you are miserable. Have you considered making arrangements for someone else to care for your mom?
Stay out of your mom and sister’s relationship. Let them figure it out for themselves.
If your mom says something to you about your sister, do what I did when my mom spoke to me about one of my brothers.
I told my mother that she needed to speak with my brothers directly about her issues. I told her not to keep bringing it up to me.
I wish you well.
You are a grownup now. It is time for sibling rivalry to be done with.
You, as a grownup, are responsible now for your own happiness and well being. No one is to blame for your life now; you are in charge, and must bear the brunt of your own choices. You have a good relationship with hubby and child. Treasure and embrace that and congratulate yourself.
No one "makes you cry". To be exposed to people who cause grief is YOUR CHOICE now.
I suggest listening to Dr. Laura's podcast Call of the Day. You say all you want is to make your mother be happy at your house. But apparently all you have tried hasn't work. The message is that you aren't in control of mom's happiness. SHE is. Nor is she responsible for yours; YOU are. Nor is sister responsible for anyone's other than her own.
I suspect your mother raised you to be in need of her approval, but as I said, you are grown up now. You don't need mommy's approval anymore. You need to be proud of yourSELF so that you don't need the approval of others. A really good therapist will shake your world and make you uncomfortable, but she/he will also assist you in building a life you love and are proud of, one that doesn't require the approval or actions of others.
Another excellent podcast is IndoctriNation by Rachel Bernstein. She is a therapist who works with people who are dealing with issues due to being indoctrinated by others.
People are indoctrinated by various sources, their upbringing, religion, cults, etc.
Anyway, she has a wonderful podcast where she speaks to many guests who have shared their stories of indoctrination. She weighs in as a therapist.
Your relationship with your mother is what matters. If she goes on and on about your sister to you, tell your mother her relationship with your sister is none of your business.
just get the job done and get rid of the emotional baggage. It’s not helpful.
Sounds like you had to be the ‘good’ kid in the family growing up. Doing the right things to make your parents love you and be proud of you. Sister was the wild child and you were the good girl. Nothing wrong with being a good kid, but you’re still trying to get mother’s love. Trying to show her you’re really the good daughter. You keep trying and it’s never worked. That is mother’s issue, not yours.
You can’t sit and be depressed because mother is lonely, unhappy, or however she feels. You’re using mother as your emotional meter. If she’s sad, you get sad too. However mother feels that day dictates how you feel. Why? It doesn’t help you or mother.
“All I want to do is take care of my mom good and see her be happy at my house. I don’t want to hurt her feelings by any means.”
Nope. Let me try and translate that.
“All I want is my mother to truly love me. I want her to see me as the good daughter. I need her to validate me, or I will never feel whole or happy. I will sacrifice myself and my own family, and do it all with a smile. Anything to get her love and appreciation before she dies. I just want that approval and love, and I will never be happy until she validates me. No one and nothing else will ever matter.”
The toxicity is your emotions and self worth are wrapped up in your mother.
Deep down you’re a little girl wanting that love. Happens more often than you think. It’s time for you to get therapy.
She doesn't treat you and your kids right. She puts you down. She's said that your sister is the best. What kind of a mom would ever say that to her child? A terrible mom would say that. I'm sorry to point this out, but a snake is always a snake. You can't change a snake.
She was alone at 70. So are a lot of other people. Some find a new life that is satisfying after losing a spouse. Your mom should be encouraged to do that instead of what she's doing, which is making you miserable. If a snake bites you repeatedly, do you still allow it to live in your house? NO!
You've decided to take care of this snake no matter what. That's a sure recipe for letting her toxicity destroy you and the life you've made with your family. "No matter what" covers a lot of territory. Will you allow her to speak to your kids as she speaks to you? Will you allow her to get bolder as time goes on and increase the put-downs? Are you okay with your husband watching you descend into a miserable, sad, overworked mom and wife? Who can find no joy in anything because the snake in your parlor is devouring you whole?
I suggest you make other arrangements for mom. She's only 70. She could live 20 more years - in your home! That would be a disaster for all involved. Mom needs friends and activities that you and family cannot provide at your house. I'm so sorry for your pain, but I feel that it won't end until the snake is gone.
Apparently, you are codependent on your mother, always seeking her approval, something that she is not capable of giving you.
Back off on all the calls, all that does is upset you, take control of your life, make your emotional priority your husband and children, not her.
I hope that you are not planning on her living with you, that would be a recipe for disaster, you need to break away from her, not have her in your face 24/7.
Why are you giving her money monthly? She should be supporting herself, neither you or your sister should be giving her money to begin with, so the amount really doesn't matter. It is not a competition.
The problem is you, your inability to cope with the truth...you will never be her favorite, regardless of what you do or don't do. That is fact that you will need to acknowledge and accept.
Find a good therapist to help you break this cycle of codependency. Your mother will not change and she could easily live another 20+ years, my mother is 98.
Keep posting it will help.
Your family sounds pretty sticky.
A good therapist can help.
Your mom could live a long time . I cared for mine a dozen years .