My husband and I moved out of state when we were newly retired. We brought my in-laws with us. They did not want to be away from us. So we got a big house for the 4 of us. The in-laws are now 93 yo. They do everything for themselves house wise. They make their own meals and clean up afterwards. We take them food shopping ( lately MIL only; FIL is too weak to shop for long periods.) When they make their meals they are in the kitchen each meal for hours. Every meal. My husband and I have adjusted our meals and eating times to accommodate them. We no longer go on vacations. We try to see my son and family maybe twice a year. We are afraid to leave them alone. As good as they get by they are so shaky and we worry. Anyone else have a similar experience ? What makes this easier? I am in constant ojida.
What is your plan and their plan for when their care needs exceed your capabilities? Because if there is no plan, YOU are their plan and you'll be doing the caregiving for both of them until they pass away.
Now may be a good time to have a serious discussion about Assisted Living for the in-laws. Do they have the means to finance such a move? I hope so. And I hope hubby is on board with such a move so neither of you wind up devoting your retired lives to caregiving 2 very elderly folks. For now, it may actually be easier for you to cook the meals so you can eat on a timlier schedule. Then perhaps MIL can help you clean up, so she's contributing in some way.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
PS....is "ojida" agida? My mother gave me agida (heartburn/reflux) all the time.
You make the meal, you eat together and they can clean up.
During one of these friendly family meals you might want to discuss them moving to Assisted Living OR that they need to hire a caregiver to come in and help out a bit.
They definitely need a caregiver when you go away for a bit.
Or look into an AL facility near by that will take them for a week or two of Respite. Many facilities will do a Respite stay with the hope that when you start the search for real you would select them since the potential residents know the facility, the staff and their way around.
HOWEVER
I think, if you have spent any time at all here on AC, reading, you have seen people dealing with dementia: included are tales of wanderings, constant falls, lashing out, needing to be changed and unable to remember to keep on incontinence supplies, awful sleep pattern disruptions, inability to feeds selves, constant medical appointments, and etc and etc. Here you will see that what you are dealing with is as easy as it gets (and it is NOT easy) when you have your elders living with you.
Again, please don't mistake what I said for minimizing it.
When I used to visit my parents in their 80s and 90s it seemed to me that they LIVED in the kitchen with breakfast, lunch and supper, all three meals, then cleanup, then making yet another meal. It seemed to go on from when they got up until when they fell into bed, It drove me nuts, even though I was only living in it for a week or so.
It was always clear to me that I had grave limitations that would NEVER allow me to take in my elders in home 24/7. I knew I couldn't do it and I never would have considered trying.
You have done this out of the goodness of your hearts, and what I am afraid of for you is that this is the tip of the iceberg. Your parents are doing well for elders in their 90s. But something WILL happen, and at that point it will be even more difficult for you.
I am sorry. This was a choice for you. I think that you may come to the point where you need to tell your parents that you want your own home and your own life and the ability to travel, etc.
It will be awful. They will grieve. You will grieve their grief. But otherwise you will be sacrificing some of the best years of your life.
I am 81. My partner is 83. My daughter is 62. Her husband is 69. It would SHATTER ME UTTERLY to think that they would EVER consider sacrificing their lives now with their son grown and educated. This is the time they can travel, have some of the most carefree years of their lives. They know they are not to do such a thing, and have ALWAYS known that. I could not bear to think of such a thing for them; nor did my parents expect or accept it from me.
So my choices have been different from yours.
I am sorry. Your decisions, as they have always been, must be your own for your own lives and I can only wish you the best. There's no really good choice here.
Have you considered assisted living for them. My and my husband are in are early retirement also. It's time for us to enjoy those years, because who knows what the future holds, for us. What if we get sick and all of are retirement hopes and dreams are gone. And you and your husband deserve to enjoy your meals, your cooking, together or not, or what ever makes you both happy.
If you chose not to put them in a facility, you can hire a caregiving service in your area to help them out, or respite care .
But there future needs also needs to be discussed, because this only gets hard as time goes on.
With my Mom, I wanted a week of respite to go to my nieces wedding in Oct. So in July I went to the AL right up the street to see if they could take Mom who was in late stages of Dementia. They were having a sale on room and board 50%. This made the AL affordable for Mom. So Ivplaced her. Best thing I did. She had the whole place to walk around in. I live in a split, 3 staircases. Not good for someone who can't do stairs. Shevwas well liked there.
It is now time to sit your in laws down and TELL them ( don’t ask them ) they need to go to assisted living .
You and your husband’s lives are now being impacted too much . Tell them they are not safe home alone anymore and you can not provide the supervision and help that they will be needing .
They need supervision and you need to be able to come and go as you please without these “ shaky “ people burning down the house .
Sounds like any day your father in law who you were holding up in the grocery store 2 weeks ago, while he walked , will be needing more help , for example getting in and out of the shower etc. Move them now before you are lifting him on and off a shower chair and the toilet or off the floor when he starts falling in your home .
Good Luck .
COuld arrange with an agency or privately for someone who can come in for some evenings so you can get away.
For a week away, could get agency to provide in home caregivers who come in, or there are assisted living places that allow people to come in for a week here and there (called Respite Care)
By all means , it is up to this couple if they want to try to keep the in laws with them longer . However, if the short term goal is to get them placed ( which I recommend ) , I’d just rip the bandaid off and try to get them placed .
I fear having caregivers come in at all will give the elderly couple the ammunition to argue they can still live at home . Again, this is an option , but it wouldn’t be what I would do considering the father in law is getting weak . I wouldn’t want to drag out the placement process either .
I hope this elderly couple has the funds for assisted living .
Susansa, ” How long can I do this for ?” Means a BIG change is needed for sure . It may be rough getting them out of the house . Your in laws may have assumed they would live with you forever . Give 60 to 90 days at most to help them find a place and adjust to the idea .
Good Luck.
Household members needs change.
Babies are dependant, children grow up, become independant & move out. The older we get, we go full circle. From independant to semi-independant to dependant.
This was an multi-aged sharehouse. Now it is becoming an assisted living home for two.
Will that arrangement work? For all 4 of you?
Your in-laws should move into assisted living or an independent living community and hire some homecare help to assist them with things like housekeeping and errands.
You and your husband sit down with them and tell them that a solution like this is best for everyone. Offer to help them find a good place.
Unless you're planning on becoming their caregiver very soon, you need to do a different living arrangement.