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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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You can simply state the facts of her life in the obituary...no more is needed. I agree with Barb...the obituary does not have to be a eulogy (although some are!). I have a narcissistic MIL and I understand your dilemma!
Im not sure if you are wanting help with the obit or just realizing how empty you feel at this point.
An obituary doesn’t require you to list accolades. Primarily it is intended as a notice that a person has died. They can run on very long with just the basic information of date and place of birth and death, predecessors and survivors, life work or interests, date and time of any service planned. Some contain much less than that.
Without your mom’s life, yours would not be, regardless of any other fact.
There is no need to judge her or her life. Let it go for now. You will have plenty of time to reflect.
If she is having a funeral, the staff will ask you the necessary questions that can make up the notice.
Maybe just say that 'it's good her sufferings are now over', & talk about her past occupation or hobbies she had...(just to fill in the obituary a little). Perhaps writing the obituary from the standpoint of a stranger would be helpful; I mean, write it as if you were writing about just a neighbor (instead your mom). I feel ur pain, have to do this soon myself. Our moms were actually more like strangers to us anyway, when you think about it. At least mine is. Take comfort that God knows every detail & doesn't find us guilty.
When my nephew passed at 21 the wonderful woman at the crematorium asked me a series of questions and wrote the obit.
If you plan on speaking at her funeral just address that she fought a good fight and her suffering is over. My sister had become a hermit with a chip on her shoulder, so the aunt asked to speak stuck to her quirks, like fear of freeway, then basically talked about the people left behind. It is hard when people leave this world leaving no nice or loving memories.
Klabbe I don't mean to be heartless but when I read that you're just forward planning and your mother isn't dead yet...
Actually, you know what, this isn't cruel gallows humour - it could be the beginnings of a productive conversation. Have you thought about asking your mother how she'd like to be remembered? Make it a general reminiscence type talk, I mean; don't sit there with your reporter's notebook on your knee.
You do not. I will not be sending in an obituary for my mother. We do not speak. If a friend or other family member would like to do it, they can. I will not be issuing one at all.
My husband was a great husband, dad and grandfather. But he wanted no obituary or eulogies. He died a year ago August (2018) with a plain mass and brief graveside service. His monument is a flat marker as he requested.
Maybe nothing is required by you. Maybe someone else will want to write her obituary.
I don't want any written obits myself, nor services. You needn't have any. If your town is expecting you to post in paper and you wish to, a nice picture of her and simply "Passed from this life on (date)" and add something true but non committal if you can think of anything such as "surrounded by her family". May she rest in peace. You know. All the platitudes.
For an obituary, which runs on the paper and is paid by the family, well... I'd decline. I don't want burglars showing up at the Jones during visitation or the funeral. Neighbors think they are clean up crews. Not run ng the obit should save a couple hundred. Now an eulogy is a different matter. I would also decline as I have nothing to say. I may have forgiven her, but I have not forgotten nor will I lie and pretend it was "all good." Perhaps someone else would speak as I will be "too overcone with grief." I could thank everyone for coming and showing their support, but if I'd taken something I might end it with, "and I wish you'd paid attention when she was alive." Yes, better not have me speak at the funeral!
<mom's name here> died <insert date here>. She is survived by <insert survivors here>. You may pay your respects at <her final resting place>. That pretty much says it all.
My folks followed me to Texas 38 years ago when I got married so when my dad died last year we didn't post an obituary anywhere. He was cremated and rests on the mantle in a box next to his beloved cocker spaniel and siamese cat. My mother on the other hand is completely bedridden but keeps pushing for physical therapy so she can get back in her wheelchair and cook, or garden, or paint the arbor (ain't ever happenin' again). Her obituary is going to read:
<Mom's name> left this life after our dear Lord realized he was just postponing the inevitable and finally told her to come on up. Her ashes are interred in the $1200 designer toilet she simply had to have where it sits regally in the middle of the gardens she loved.
Yes it sounds like a joke but I'm deadly serious. She does own a $1200 toilet and she is getting sealed in that sucker and planted out back. If you must post an obit, just do the basics and move on.
My brother- The Golden Child - the one who rarely got the nasty treatment my other brother and I did, the one who “helped” me with our mother over six years by visiting for an hour about once a month, the one who refused to believe there was anything wrong with her mind until he “saw it in writing” - which I procured for him - the one who has rewritten our family history to resemble the Cleavers - he wrote an obnoxiously long obituary for my mother that included not one but two pictures. Mom always said she didn’t want an obituary but this one - this one would have delighted her endlessly. Frankly, it made me want to vomit. AND - it cost nearly $2,000 - which I paid for with moms estate money, bitting my tongue the whole time in order to keep the peace with my brother.
If it had been me - had I been motivated to do an obit as an easy way of letting moms friends and relatives know of her passing - It would have been about five lines long and listing just the basic facts.
Sorry for your loss but its probably a blessing. You have done what needed to be done to keep the peace. Now, it time to put it all behind and go on and enjoy life. If that means cutting some people out of your life so be it.
An obituary isn’t mandatory. A eulogy isn’t mandatory. None of it is.
If something isn’t given freely from your heart, is it real, is it true or genuine? No, so why do it? If there aren’t sincere reasons to honor the deceased, it can’t be done unless you lie or fabricate a story.
Are you a writer of fantasy or fiction? Then go for it. If not, let it slide. Don’t give it a second thought. Did they give you a second thought while they were alive? Nope.
It’s so sad because good people want to reflect good actions in their behavior, take the high road and all that jazz but everyone will know it’s all an act, so who are you fooling? No one, not even yourself. Deep down, you know the answer to this one. No way! It’s better to just do as little as possible in this situation, the basics.
Wouldn’t be interesting if there was a funeral where everyone spoke the truth? Oh my gosh! What a fiasco that would be! Might be kind of funny though.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If it's a eulogy, I'd decline to speak and ask someone else to. Grandchildren are good eulogists.
Im not sure if you are wanting help with the obit or just realizing how empty you feel at this point.
An obituary doesn’t require you to list accolades.
Primarily it is intended as a notice that a person has died.
They can run on very long with just the basic information of date and place of birth and death, predecessors and survivors, life work or interests, date and time of any service planned. Some contain much less than that.
Without your mom’s life, yours would not be, regardless of any other fact.
There is no need to judge her or her life. Let it go for now. You will have plenty of time to reflect.
If she is having a funeral, the staff will ask you the necessary questions that can make up the notice.
If you plan on speaking at her funeral just address that she fought a good fight and her suffering is over. My sister had become a hermit with a chip on her shoulder, so the aunt asked to speak stuck to her quirks, like fear of freeway, then basically talked about the people left behind. It is hard when people leave this world leaving no nice or loving memories.
Hugs! You will get through this and find peace.
Actually, you know what, this isn't cruel gallows humour - it could be the beginnings of a productive conversation. Have you thought about asking your mother how she'd like to be remembered? Make it a general reminiscence type talk, I mean; don't sit there with your reporter's notebook on your knee.
Maybe nothing is required by you. Maybe someone else will want to write her obituary.
<mom's name here> died <insert date here>. She is survived by <insert survivors here>. You may pay your respects at <her final resting place>. That pretty much says it all.
My folks followed me to Texas 38 years ago when I got married so when my dad died last year we didn't post an obituary anywhere. He was cremated and rests on the mantle in a box next to his beloved cocker spaniel and siamese cat. My mother on the other hand is completely bedridden but keeps pushing for physical therapy so she can get back in her wheelchair and cook, or garden, or paint the arbor (ain't ever happenin' again). Her obituary is going to read:
<Mom's name> left this life after our dear Lord realized he was just postponing the inevitable and finally told her to come on up. Her ashes are interred in the $1200 designer toilet she simply had to have where it sits regally in the middle of the gardens she loved.
Yes it sounds like a joke but I'm deadly serious. She does own a $1200 toilet and she is getting sealed in that sucker and planted out back. If you must post an obit, just do the basics and move on.
If it had been me - had I been motivated to do an obit as an easy way of letting moms friends and relatives know of her passing - It would have been about five lines long and listing just the basic facts.
But that’s just me.
If something isn’t given freely from your heart, is it real, is it true or genuine? No, so why do it? If there aren’t sincere reasons to honor the deceased, it can’t be done unless you lie or fabricate a story.
Are you a writer of fantasy or fiction? Then go for it. If not, let it slide. Don’t give it a second thought. Did they give you a second thought while they were alive? Nope.
It’s so sad because good people want to reflect good actions in their behavior, take the high road and all that jazz but everyone will know it’s all an act, so who are you fooling? No one, not even yourself. Deep down, you know the answer to this one. No way! It’s better to just do as little as possible in this situation, the basics.
Wouldn’t be interesting if there was a funeral where everyone spoke the truth? Oh my gosh! What a fiasco that would be! Might be kind of funny though.