How do you not get annoyed with the loved one you’re taking care of?

There's NOTHING wrong with you.  You need a break!  We're all in the same boat.  😊 💙

My husband and I moved my MIL in with us in June when she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She has rapidly declined and is so weak and frail. It's so heartbreaking to see her this way when she was so full of life. She is 73 yrs. old. She needs 24/7 care. My husband and I have full time jobs so my sister and mother have come to our aid in staying with her til we get home from work. She never complains about anything or really asks for much but just goes with the flow and has accepted this as her life. But with that being said, I find myself getting annoyed with her. It seems like when I get a minute to relax then she needs help with something or this or that and I feel resentful because her 2 other children offer no help at all and my husband and have no down time together. We've had to cancel 2 vacations planned over the summer and have only minimal time on the weekends to do things separately. When I'm out, during these times, I feel guilty and at times anxious about being away too long...on top of it work is also stressful ...I have no outlet...

I am ashamed to admit how many times I've blown a fuse with my parents. They didn't plan to grow old and infirm and I was the responsible child who stepped up to care for them. I don't regret it, but I do sometimes really resent the whole situation! And I snap at them. And feel guilty and remorseful.
But honestly, I'm really trying. I'm not a patient person to being with, but I'm trying.
We're all human struggling with these challenging situations. I think a bit of forgiveness should be expected on all sides.

I just posted too. I feel the same way, I want out but there’s nobody to help and I’m all he’s got. He can do lots for himself but he’s changed so much it makes me sick. Cares about nothing but his appt 7 weeks away is an emergency. I have caregivers and initiating LTC but it’s dreadful and I’m just not cut out for it. I’m glad yours isn’t rude towards you, that would help tremendously. It’s like he’s come to the conclusion he’s old and needs help so everyone can kiss his butt.
I spend the least amount of time with him as possible and I’m still resentful because of his behavior towards me. I have to put everything in place and that’s a second job alone. So you are not alone in these feelings, I’m miserable and sad and disgusted.

I am going to say something that many people will saw is awful but there is a reason it needs to be said. Taking care of old people with physical, and especially mental problems can be horrific for the caretakers. They are the people who have to put up with the messes and behavior and abuse from the elderly when they go "off". Sure, it is nice to redirect what they are doing or be Mrs Nice Guy and be sweet and pleasant as they don't know what they are doing. Well, I don't care. Caretakers are human and have a right to live in peace and should have the right to be free from being "destroyed" by these people. They are human and have emotions and feeling and are most likely exhausted. Why shouldn't they explode and really let loose. It may save their sanity and just maybe help stop the behavior at least when it happens - not forever - but until the next time. It might make the difference of caring for someone at home vs. dumping them some place. I think caretakers have a right to explode when they are extremely upset and near the breaking point. Why not? It can be come very unpleasant and possibly dangerous if they are not allowed to blow up and get rid of the steam occasionally. Doesn't anyone see that side of the picture? I had an elderly friend and I took care of her for 28years working full time until later she went into a nursing home. There were times she was just "off the walls" and I could take just so much. It did not happen very often but once in a while, I thought I would explode - and I did - and walked out slamming the door so hard the building shook. It calmed me down and it made her think of her behavior. It was not long before she was begging me to come back and I did go back and she was sweet as pie. So we were both saved when I had enough.

Nothing is wrong with you. It's frustrating, and that's just how it is sometimes. But, if you find yourself raising your voice at her and you're angry? Get some help. We all need it at times. And I agree with the others about getting her evaluated. Sounds easy to say, not so easy to do and I get that. But being proactive is so important. The longer you wait, the worse it could get. If she's always been on top of things and now she's not? There is a problem going on there that needs to be addressed. Good luck to you. This is a tough journey so many of us deal with.

Lori1026: Firstly, there is nothing wrong with you. Your mother has aged. Perhaps it would be best to get her checked out at a neurologist. I am not saying that there is something wrong with her mind. Perhaps her mind no longer has the capability to find out when bills are past due and other things. Prayers going out to you.

You are angry and frustrated because you are dealing with a broken soul and you are human and don't deserve this. I understand perfectly. Some of us have patience and can be caretakers and others of us can't do that. I would immediately get a POA where you take over in every way as to paying bills and making decisions. Don't discuss anything - just do what you need to do and that will give you a sense of control. She is incapable of contributing anything that makes much sense.

When my mom was in the first stages of Alzheimer's disease and was still paying the bills, she neglected to pay the property taxes, and almost sent the house into foreclosure.  A true wakeup call!  And, it was totally unexpected, as she had always paid the bills and done a good job at it- but just couldn't anymore.  As many have pointed out, your mom is not going to be able to help you with this problem - you're going to have to solve it.  Involving her at this point will only build your frustration, as you've found out.  Get POA if you don't have it already. Figure out her budget, and put as many bills on autopay.   Also, get ready for the caregiving ride!  At 71, she could live many more years.  Prayers to you as you start to navigate this. Better to start now before too many bills go unpaid.

It takes practice. Not reacting, no matter the age of the recipient, takes practice, practice, practice. If there is dementia here, her filters are diminishing. She is struggling inside. I find myself getting impatient or annoyed with my own friends/family. I have had to practice and I'm still prating -- not reacting. I've had to distance myself from some, and some have obviously distanced themselves from me. Keep in mind that your mom is not going to change for the better, and that you will be 71 some day. Pay attention.

I am 66-1/2. My mom is 90, in a nursing home with vascular dementia. I have the patience of a saint with her. I don't know how that would go if I were her 24/7 caretaker.

My heart goes out to you because we have all been there.

I have ave a couple of suggestions. It sounds like you may need some help. I’m sure you thought you could get through this temporary situation with the broken shoulder. But, you discovered all these other financial issues and it is overwhelming of how much needs to be done. Others have provided good recommendations on POA’s and just getting your Mom to sign versus asking her things that may be beyond her now.

It it sounds like your Mom has some Demetria. Is she taking any pain medication for her arm? Even mild medication can really take the elderly to another world. Has your Mom been checked for a UTI? Now that she is less mobile, she may have an infection and not be aware. They can cause confusion. Whatever the cause of Mom’s dementia, it sounds like this has been a big shock to you. Before the accident, I’m sure you talked with her and checked in on her. Early dementia is easy to hide in everyday conversations. But, you weren’t asking her to make decisions or give you answers on finances. So, it may take a moment for you to accept that Mom’s mental ability has changed and you didn’t realize it.

Third, I pray every day for patience, strength, and guidance. If I have a bad day and raise my voice at my husband, I say that prayer from my knees.

Its hard. It’s all hard. Cut yourself some slack. Make a plan and just handle it one step at a time. I don’t make progress on my plan everyday, but having the list helps keep me focused.

Good luck!!!

First of all there is nothing wrong with you. You are having to deal with a new reality and you need to know that things will not get better for her. They are going to keep getting worse. She literally does not know what you are talking about, she does not know. This is not her fault. This is a disease and it is going to take every bit of understanding you have to come to grips with all this. First, get a POA, see an attorney who will help you fill out the proper papers so you can make decisions she is no longer capable of making. Talk with social services, the office on Aging, find an Alzheimers care group you can join and carve out time every few months just for you. You need some breaks where you can go out to lunch with friends, get your hair cut, take time to see your dentist or eye doctor, etc. You need to also take care of yourself because if you go down, then what is going to happen. Start looking into getting some help with meals, personal care for her, etc. Don;t let her needs take over your needs to a point where you feel swamped and angry. From now on it will be more and more as if you are dealing with a toddler. Again, there is nothing wrong with you but do get some help so you can cope with her behavoir. Good luck to you.





ag

You are tired. That is the problem. And it IS like dealing with a toddler. That is why young people have children. They can handle the ups and downs of the constant ups and downs of a young child. My mom is almost 90 years old, and I am 66 and I find myself doing the same thing. I have now signed a new contract asking for more help from the facility in helping to care for her so that I can take a little bit of time for myself before they get ANOTHER person at the facility--ME!

I am 79 and have 24/7/365 care of my 96-year-old mother. She can take care of her personal hygiene, but that is all. Otherwise, she is the same as your mom, and I am the same as you. I wish I had answers, but it helps to know that I'm not the only one with the anger and resentment. I have no siblings and only one child, so there is no chance of help unless I can afford $25/hour or $1,500/wk for respite care. I really need a vacation, and I think Mom could do with a break from me, also. Unless one is wealthy and can afford the help, or is destitute and the government can help, there IS no help. I notice that I am older than your Mom!!

Caretakers in all varieties of situations get angry and frustrated with their LO's.

Some of that is repressed despair at seeing our LO's decline. You might feel more patient with someone who had the same problems but was not your own mother.

Sometimes caretakers become angry or impatient with their LO's
neediness or confusion or lack of co-operation. I would sometimes get totally exasperated with my husband during his terminal illness. I would think, "You can't be angry with someone who is dying," but, actually, yes, you can.

You might very well feel anger and frustration at times. That doesn't mean you will treat your LO badly. Accept that you feel angry and vent if you need to, to a friend or on this forum!

Hang in there. Your feelings are perfectly normal.

Lori; What leads you to say that your mom doesn't have some cognitive decline? I second a previous poster's suggestion to look more deeply into what is going on with her.

Has she seen a geriatric psychiatrist?

Back before we had any inkling that anything was "wrong" with my mom, she was panicking about all sorts of stuff....storms that were no where near her location, burned out light bulbs...stuff that she used to take in stride. We brought in some help in the form of "visiting angels" and mom couldn't stand that--they'd break the washing machine, she felt she was entertaining a guest. It was getting exhausting and very annoying to have to constantly to respond to her non emergencies. My brother started blowing up at her and telling her to stop the "pity party".

We finally ended up moving her to a facility, because we couldn't physically keep up what we were doing. Once there, the geriatrics doc on staff referred her to a geriatric psychiatrist who insisted on a full neuro-psych workup.

Mom was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment (it was also discovered that she'd had stroke that none of us knew about) and the testing showed that she had the reasoning ability of a 6 year old. I should point out that mom continued to get perfect scores on those mini-mental tests that they do in doctor's offices (her memory remained sharp until her death) but her REASONING ability was gone. MCI progressed to vascular dementia after another stroke.

So, her regular PCP might say that she's just fine. My mother's regular doctor certainly thought so. He was SO very wrong.

"What’s wrong with me???" Nothing really. You are human, just like the rest of us.

When our LOs become incapable or unwilling to handle their own affairs, it can become frustrating. Mom's first issue was inability to balance her checking account. I took all the statements (3 years worth!) and spent a long time, finally getting it to within a few dollars. That didn't last, as she still didn't work it out going forward (she was still living in her condo.) When I started seeing banking mistakes, I just took over, starting with temporary forwarding her mail to me so I could get her billing address changed and set up online payments through her account. We already had all the legal stuff done, and were on her account, so that helped. Most billers don't care where they send the bills, so I didn't have to use the DPOA for them. Only certain places, such as the credit union, pension and SS required some wrangling (pension and SS are federal, and they don't accept any POAs, which required additional effort/time to resolve.)

While it would be nice to have the previous mom "back", if she is not working with you on handling finances, etc, you would be wise to get all legal issues set up (POAs, will etc.) while you can, if it isn't already done. Just take over. If you don't have POA yet, deal with the payments by figuring it all out yourself and just have her sign the checks. If this is hard for her, don't do it all at once.  One/day until you get it all worked out.

Your profile indicates she lives with you, yet your post mentions her house payments. Will she ever be returning to the house? If not, it should be sold. A house with no upkeep will deteriorate, adds extra duties for you and we learned that once mom moved to MC, her insurance wouldn't cover an unoccupied place - we had to find alternate insurance, which can be expensive. If possible, find an EC attorney and get all the legal paperwork in place and look to selling the place, then put the proceeds into a trust for her.

"...it’s like dealing with a toddler some days. It’s not every day but still.... And I don’t know how to handle it!! Why am I so angry and hateful?? and annoyed?? Why do I not understand that she’s 71 and aging??"
As others noted, 71 isn't really that old anymore, but she might be in early stages of dementia. It is VERY hard to detect, as the signs can be ever so subtle. Not living with mom at the time, it was only when she started repeating herself, questions, comments, etc. that I became aware of it. In retrospect, there were other signs, but they were missed because we were not aware of the signs!

Since it is like dealing with a toddler, work on it that way. Toddlers can't do some things, so we just do them. Don't seek her input, just do it.

Meanwhile, getting an assessment with her doctor (sometimes those mini tests they do in the office are not good enough!) might be advisable. She could have cognitive issues, which neither you nor she can control or fix. She might be depressed by her conditions, which might be treatable. Finding enjoyable activity that she can handle would be better than hounding her for doing tasks she isn't up to/doesn't want to deal with.

Run, don't walk, to get legal paperwork done, if you haven't already.

Stop asking for her input on these issues, as you know what the answer will be - if no POA yet, just work on it and set up the payments, but have her sign the checks if you don't have online access.

You can't change her, so don't frustrate yourself trying! You can only change how you deal with it. Take over what you must and let the rest slide. Rather than trying to get her to deal with these things, see if you can find any activities she might enjoy doing or what might make her happier.

If she is on pain meds, they can knock the "will" out of folks. If not, you are now getting a better understanding of her mental abilities. Sorry, that you're going to go through frustration until you have answers.

Sounds like it's time to manage mom's financial affairs. I hope mom already has a will and POA. If not, get her to a lawyer and have those drawn up while she is still lucid enough to give you permission to handle her finances and medical needs, Gather up all the bills and info on all the places mom deals with financially. Create a chart so you know where the money goes, how much and when. Also gather up all her medical information: medical history, surgical history, allergies, current medications, DNR and/or living will. Keep everything in a folder in an easy to access place so you have it on hand for any situation that comes up.

I have POA for my mom's medical affairs, 1 sister has POA for mom's financial affairs. Youngest sister is executor on mom's will.

Maybe another approach. She already has past due bills because she probably just didn't know what to do with them. So when you look at the stack of bills, what would you do with them if they were yours? Quit asking and frustrating yourself. Use the bills and documents you have to figure out what is going on. You can also go online and set up accts so that you can see for yourself what is going on. You already have all of the personal info to create the account. I find it much easier than talking to them on the phone - having to hand the phone to mom to give permission to talk to me (they ask her questions and she doesn't always hear what they are saying). You can probably find out more about what's going on, payment history, etc than with a conversation with her.

It sounds like you need a break. Caregivers have to take breaks or they will burn out! If you don't take care of yourself then you will not be able to care for her. If you have siblings talk to them, let them know you need some help. If not reach out to your Area Agency on Agency. They have caregiver programs and offer some "respite" relief for caregivers at no cost.

You're human. When the shoe is on the other foot, when our relationships with parents become reversed - it's scary to say the least.

The fact your mother no longer is concerned about day-to-day expenses is frustrating to you and you don't know how to handle it.

Take Ten for yourself and breathe deeply. You can talk to your doctor as they have medicine which will help your stress. Personally, I didn't want to be on any drugs - so I listened to a holistic friend and started Ashwagandha and never looked back.

If you belong to any church or temple - talk with the preacher as they can help you to see the broader picture. I went directly to God myself and prayed daily and constantly for patience and guidance. Reach out to find comfort for yourself.

But there's nothing wrong with you. You are a daughter being put into a parent position and it's scary.

Nothing is wrong with you. Life is far more complicated than it used to be. For example, decades ago old people had a bank and a teller who knew them. They managed their money and bills in person or through the mail. Nowadays, everything is online or through an offshore customer service phone number. Many old people never adjusted and now they're lost.

In my opinion it is a bad idea to take on the responsibility of caregiving without the authority. Take her to an elder attorney in order to get her important paperwork together ASAP i.e. durable power of attorney, living will, etc. so that you can get her budget together and manage her IADLs (instrumental activities of daily living). If she refuses, step away because things are only going to get more messy/complicated/frustrating.

I am having the same struggles and can tell you what my husband and son say: I’m grieving and I’m really pissed off this is happening! Some days, you wouldn’t guess Dad has LBD; the next day, he’s barely listening and/or doing things that cause me more work and I’m already at the breaking point. If Dad were bed bound and mentally struggling, I know I’d keep it together as I did with my Mom. I keep expecting more out of Dad because he looks fine. I AM pissed! I AM grieving but I think some of it may also be emotional burnout. Our parents don’t deserve to be treated like misbehaving children. We clearly need to pull it together. I’m considering therapy just to vent and let off steam. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well. 💔

Thank you for asking such an honest and real question. I too have the same feelings and responses to my mother then feel overwhelmed with guilt. This site has been a savior for me. Thank you to everyone for the kind and loving support during this difficult time in life. We need each other. Support without judgment.

It sounds like mom is slipping into a stage of dementia. If that is the case it will only get worse. You need to take her to a physician, preferably one who deals with elders. for analysis and advice. It sounds like there are issues behind your story. Do you have siblings? Is your father still living.? Is mom living with you? Does she have many friends? Neighbors? Is she religious?
As far as her bills, I came up with an effective plan. Take one of her credit cards, hopefully with a high credit line. Call as many "billers" and have them link her bills to the credit card. That way you pay one bill a month, the credit card. This will free up a lot of time and worries for you, and if things do progress in dementia, you will have a new world to deal with and need all the time you can muster.
My parents are significantly older however I understand the frustration. It seems strange to be taking care of them as if they are children. Whenever I find myself getting frustrated, I think of my earlier years that the parents made happy. Like birthday parties, vacations, scouts, Christmas, Easter. You did the right thing to reach out to this forum.

I believe there is a link error to this question.

There's nothing wrong with you!

Your mother is getting on your nerves. It is not her fault, but... unless you're holding yourself to extraordinarily high moral standards, it's not your fault either. It's all part of the fun of acclimatisation and adjustment.

I hope you will get through this phase a LOT quicker than I did. Oh my goodness, if I knew the answer to the question of how not to be annoyed with something that just is incredibly annoying, even when you are rationally aware of all the reasons and trying your hardest to be sweet-tempered and make allowances, I would bottle it and make millions.

I used to try to listen to myself, and think how I would react if somebody *else* spoke to my mother in the way I did (I'd have ripped their heads off!); and that mental trick sent me out to the utility room for a few deep breaths sometimes.

You can only reflect, forgive yourself, and keep trying. You will get better at it; and - sorry about this - bigger and more important problems will eventually overtake the petty bugbears that do so get under one's skin at this stage.

My first main suggestion would be to stop asking her about financial matters. I had to do this some years ago with my mother. You may need a durable POA for this to be most effective if you don't have one yet. I would try to contact companies,banks,etc where money is owed to straighten out issues. From how you are describing your mother she can't possibly be expected to answer you realistically and even if she gave you answers you can't be assured that is the truth. My mother was making lots of financial mistakes unbeknownst to her. As soon as I got POA I took over and she no longer has anything to do with any financial matters. You could begin to try with companies as they may want to communicate in hopes of being paid but eventually you really need POA. If you can solve this area and give up her expecting to provide you with answers you might resolve a great deal of frustration. It is a journey but once you might become in charge in this area alot of duress subsides

youre angry because her answers or lack there of are infuriating! There’s nothing more irritating then asking someone a direct question and to get the run around or no answer. For some reason your mom is a denier, or passive aggressive or has some form of cognitive decline. Her age is 71 and I have lots of vibrant friends in that age range. So she is not old in reality. Her health issues you mentioned in your profile are definitely predictors of cognitive decline. She needs to be evaluated. Also, if a POA hasn’t been appointed, then that needs to be done, both for medical and financial. Have this done before she further declines.

Do you have Power of Attorney for her financial and medical affairs? If not, try to get it while she is still able to assign it to you. Ask her if she would like you to take over her financial matters. Perhaps it would be a relief for her not to worry about this any more. If she agrees, have all bills sent to your address. My mother's bank required a POA form in addition to the legal document we obtained from an attorney. Remember that she is aging, and her mental faculties are declining. Be forgiving, but try to make it easy for yourself to take over things she used to do. With my mother, I've had to keep lowering the bar of my expectations of what she is capable of doing. She used to be co capable and independent - not now.