My mom is 80 years old and still very sharp and alert. She was a Nurse for 30 years which makes this situation more difficult I think. I believe she has early stage Alzheimer's or Dementia. She has been complaining of missing clothes, clothes being worn and then put back folded but dirty, and torn clothes as well. She has complained of missing items, some have been returned according to her. So I have spent money trying to approach all this logically to no avail. I have had locks changed to pick proof, bump key proof locks. I have purchased a radio frequency scanner for her to scan for electronic bugs she believes are in the house. She has purchased steel door poles to prop in front of the doors at night on top of the new locks.
She still feels someone is getting into the house. Today our relationship took a turn for the worse because I contacted her doctor's office to try to get them to call her in for a "routine" checkup but secretly check for Alzheimer's. That failed miserably because the doctors office called and basically spilled the beans and she figured it out. So I got both barrels for going behind her back. She is deeply hurt now and feels alone that no one believes her. I dont know what else to do. This paranoia has been going on for years. She moved from one place to her current place for the same issues of she felt someone was getting in and messing with her stuff. But during our blow up she was saying you think I am crazy, I am not crazy and you will see one day. You want to have me committed don't you. I said absolutely not. I am worried about your health. Once she found out I called the doctor she wanted an explanation and I just felt I had to go ahead and tell her I thought she might have early stage Alzheimer's. She did not take it well at all and was deeply hurt and had to get off the phone.
I am no longer allowed in her home, or in her presence if it can be avoided. I do feel kind of bad for the stress this puts on DH, but he had YEARS to stick up for and not allow her to demean me to the point I just QUIT having anything to do with her.
He doesn't really 'see' the slide in dementia, as she has always had a strange way of looking at the world-- She sees a mouse outdoors (where they LIVE) and immediately assumes that mouse wants to come in her warm house. Never mind she's never had a mouse, ever, in 64 years of living in the same house.
She always asks after my mother, whom she knew briefly in HS, and it's like a competition as to who is in 'better shape' than the other. DH doesn't see this, but I do. She never asks about OUR kids and grands, but has pics plastered all over her fridge of her daughter's family.
She spent about 3 months this year in rehab after a couple of minor strokes, brought on by a really severe UTI. DH is her POA and felt she should at least look at some ALF's and she lost her cookies over that idea. So she lives alone, creeps along her house, hanging on to furniture and walls. Most of her day is spent in the recliner in her large kitchen, watching TV. SIL does all the running and fetching for her. She won't allow ANYONE in her house, as they might let in mice (!) and so she may agree to grocery delivery, but they cannot come in her home, making the job easier--so SIL just gave up and does the shopping.
The dementia was dxed while she was in hospital. The recommendation was that she move to a ALF and she lost it. So that was tabled and she went home.
My heart aches for SIL. I have offered over and over to help with things that MIL cannot do and wouldn't KNOW I was doing, but SIL just sighs and says "It's not that bad". Actually, it IS that bad, SIL had to take early retirement b/c of MIL and MIL doesn't even know.
I find it beyond sad that she is like this. While there is no love between us, it doesn't mean I don't feel bad about her situation. She's miserable and scared of everything.
Oh--and she HAS an alarm system, which she cannot hear, but the neighbors all can. That has caused drama in the 'hood, for sure. Also a fall alert--same thing, she routinely sends it through the wash and it goes off, and she cannot hear it. DH is really NOT invested in her and lets SIL take the lion's share.
She will confront DH with angry comments "you think I'm demented, don't you?" to which he honestly replies, "Mom you need some help. What I think doesn't matter".
The harder she tries to NOT act like she dementia, they worse she looks. It's a sad situation.
Whate error she believes. She believes.
She still has a mind of her own and just wants to feel safe.
Maybe this is her way of hoping that you will invite her to live with you?
Are you able to have this happen?
You should hVe an an alarm system installed and or install cameras that she'll actually be able to play back to see footage if she thinks something happened.
Matbe it's time she had a dog to keep her company and bark when it hears something?
Mom would hide her "valuables" and later tell me someone had stolen the item. A search would always turn it up, with her claiming she didn’t know how it got there. "Someone is playing games with me!" she would say. Sigh.
I would try to explain that her brain was causing the problem, which she knew was true but so hard to accept. She was so fearful of losing her mind. Sadly she is now in Memory Care with little comprehension of anything.
Approaching her fears logically may be reinforcing them instead of reducing them, but then, what to do next? She’s no doubt SO FRIGHTENED. She’s been invaded in her own space, and now someone she dearly loved has betrayed her.
I think maybe you were looking too hard for assurances that she’s fine, and out of love for her, were not seeing where she’s really coming from. That she had basic medical training might have made “the A word” even more horrifying in that you “knew her secret” while she was assuming that she was coping with it on her own terms.
When things between you calm down (hopefully soon) could you arrange lunch or tea with your “friend”, or would that be another source of suspicion for her. Our most helpful ally during this horrifyingly painful process, was a quiet, gentle, compassionate geriatric psychiatric physician’s assistant, who joined me in a conversation with LO that revealed several deficits in her thinking, memory, and judgement, and finally led to a helpful and descriptive diagnosis.
The “friend” described many examples of cognitive failure in LO’S otherwise carefully crafted conversation, and explained to me that her efforts to act and sound “normal” were causing her intense stress.
I am not at all comfortable in confronting people with cognitive failure head on. If they were bright and capable in earlier times, it’s unimaginable to me that the pain of experiencing cognitive loss would go unnoticed by them.
To me, acquiring a sense of where she is cognitively at present, and then developing a set of strategies to help her move along with as much peace and safety as possible, is better in the long run than causing her any more distress.
Tough, frustrating, painful job, some tears, and no good solutions. If your plans and solutions are made with love and kindness, there is no one on earth, including your mom, who can expect more.
That's step one. It may go well. It probably will not. When there IS dementia, the kick back on it being mentioned is HARD. My partner and I are 78 and 80. We can FEEL our brains going. We can acknowledge the forgetfulness. We speak of it together. But when it is bad there is almost always a sort of paranoia that sets in and reality is a thing of the past.
NOW, you know this is happening. Time for a diary. Of what you are seeing. Time for all the paperwork to get done WHILE SHE CAN. She doens't have to be perfect to do Health Care POA and Financial DPOA, but she DOES have to understand what she is doing. May already be too late; a lawyer will let you know after he speaks with her after YOU speak with her and agree this is the best step.
Be reassuring. Let her know you will guard her dignity and independence like a Lioness at the Gate, and if, Heaven forbid, things get bad, you will see to it that she is safe and cared for.
In your heart, more importantly in your HEAD you know what is happening. This bull has to be taken by the horns. If you cannot, then guardianship and conservatorship will be the only answer.
Her fear and her paranoia already sound a bit acute. Worried for you; thinking about you. Hugs to you and hope you will update us. When my brother was diagnosed over a year ago with probably Lewy's Body Dementia he called me and asked me to help him, to get the POA , pay his bills, be Trustee of his Trust. He talked to me about ALL his symptoms. He died, at 85, last May of cellulitis. He was the best man I ever knew, but he was one of the brightest, and rare as hens teeth was his ability to know what he had, to say he wished he DIDN'T know what it was, what it meant, and what losses he would sustain, but found it "interesting" given he did have to know. Moved himself to Senior Living. Quite honestly I never heard a story like his. Most of us do NOT go gently into this dark night.
So, apart from unhelpfully disclosing your concerns to your mother out of context, what did the doctors' office say in response to your attempt to get her examined? What did they say to you or (from what you can gather) to her?
Are you able to visit her at the moment or are you having to do everything over the phone?
I totally sympathise with how difficult it is to explain to a generally mentally well older person that certain aspects of her thinking and/or behaviour are... I think nuts is the technical term. Not long ago I was visiting a lovely lady, who had had a nasty fall and broken her upper arm but otherwise seemed fine if a little anxious. She then disclosed to me that local youths had been tormenting her and the police had been no help at all. Oh dear, I said, what have they been up to?
One morning it seemed that they had been using a gadget to twist the cord on her kitchen blind without actually breaking into the house. The next day, they had poured liquid into the sun to make it look odd. Without really thinking, I mused aloud: "the sun is several million miles away..." They could send machines up there, though, she said. Again without thinking too hard about my response I said "um. They really *can't*, you know."
But I was afraid of challenging her beliefs outright because I didn't want to alienate her or stop her from telling me what was frightening her, so I quickly said that it didn't matter *what* was making her feel so afraid, it only mattered *that* she felt so afraid, and that was what we needed to think more about. Where is the fear coming from, and what can we do to get rid of it?
Happily, this lady had a very switched-on and level-headed family supporting her; and with our encouragement of her and their practical arrangements she was persuaded to see her doctors and be open about how she was feeling. The last time I saw her she seemed much more relaxed and positive, had just had her hair done (never underestimate the morale boost of a new hair-do), and presumably had stopped calling the police to insist they arrest all males under twenty in her street.
You've begun very well by listening to your mother's anxieties and taking them seriously. I think you might have skipped ahead a bit too fast by trying to get the mental exam done surreptitiously, as it were. Once the dust has settled and you're on sympathetic speaking terms again, go back a step and encourage her again to talk about what she's noticed that is worrying her. Then using questions, rather than making suggestions, ask her what she, as a nurse of long standing, thinks might be going on and help her to examine her theories.
When you say the paranoia has been going on for years, how many years? Any other symptoms, or changes in her? Any past history of mental ill health?
check with her doctor about her meds. check if she has UTI.
you can't tell her, but tell her.. you are concerned.
My spouse just said that to me today.. ARE YOU OK? well.... as far as you will know.. .perhaps...
sure, I think I am ok... COVID etc.. is driving up the depression level way too much.... the News. etc........so baby steps with mom... maybe she is feeling a bit of this ...
do check up on the blood and urine tests, if it doesn't take too much out of both of you.
perhaps you can ask her doctor if she can be evaluated for for IN HOME CHECK UPS AND /OR VIDEO appointments.