We moved in together 6 months ago. He was fine with her living here, but now that she is approved for SSI he wants her out. She doesn't make enough to move out and I've always been open that I will take care of my mom until she passes. Not sure how to manage it all. I do not expect him to help with care. I fully take it on. So I do not understand why he can't be more supportive.
Why am I saying this? Because I want to put something in perspective for you. No...I don't necessarily think a BF of a year gets to tell that it's your mother or him - but in my opinion - when you move in with someone - that's indicative of wanting some level of commitment more than just short term BF/GF. It implies that you were interested enough in this person to pursue something deeper with them - that you likely think may include your future.
Now we have to add in your mom. Who, while I KNOW she has the cards stacked against her - is still YOUNG. Maybe not "young" young...but even with a shorter life span with ALZ/dementia - she could be around for a long time. You state pretty definitively that you will take care of your mom until she passes. So you have already decided that you are willing to sacrifice YOUR life and your future to provide care for your mother.
Why can't he be more supportive? My FIL passed away 6 months ago. He was an abusive narcissist with a personality disorder, who horribly abused my DH and SIL. But it was "expected" that everyone drop everything to make sure he could stay in his home and be cared for until the day he died. I have been married to DH for 30 years. In spite of my best attempts to keep my feelings to myself and to help - I was angry and resentful about the amount of time that taking care of my FIL required (and we weren't even the ones living there, we were just backup). Phone calls 24/7, rushing to the ER for a cold, unexpected arrivals of service people and deliveries of things he had scheduled and ordered without talking to anyone and then forgotten. Financial Management, technical support, doctors appointments. It never ended. And we were both working full time.
After several years of this - and a vicious home>hospital>rehab>home cycle where he consistently did less and less and moved closer to being bedbound and the line we drew in the sand as our "hill to die on" for SNF placement - we were BACK in a rehab facility with him doing nothing to help himself. And I finally broke. And gave my DH an ultimatum.
If he goes home again - I'm not helping anymore. I'm done. We have other family members (our daughters, my mother, my grandmother) who need our help but can never get it), We never get any time just the two of us. He DEMANDS. He doesn't ask. And he hasn't done a single thing to help himself. I'm done. I'm burnt out.
My DH was in the same place. But his sister was the one bringing FIL back home each time. SHE was burned out beyond belief because she thought she HAD to.
We told him he had to hire help or move to a SNF.
30 years. And I couldn't take it for much longer. I wouldn't have gone anywhere but I wouldn't have helped anymore. BF has ONE year in. He's scared this is his life for the next 20+ years.
You love your mother. That doesn't change if you love your mother and have a life, overseeing her care and just being her daughter.
The boyfriend most certainly has a right to tell the OP that her mother is not going to be living with them permanently. This is hardly the same thing as the 'It's Them Or Me' untimatum.
Why should he be supportive of his girlfriend's mother sponging off of them and living in the home they picked to start their life in? I wouldn't be supportive of that either.
Oh, Hell no.
It's better if they discuss their differences now and decide if they're right for each other and are going to stay together before making it legal through marriage and starting a family.
As for taking care of your FIL. I know how easy people get trapped into caregiving even when they know they shouldn't do it. Good for you for learning better and refusing to again if your FIL comes home. Never cater to a needy person's 'demands'. I learned that lesson a long time ago. They are the one in need of care and help, not you. So it's done on your terms if you choose to do it. Not theirs.
My own soon-to-be-again in-laws and mother are sniffing around and dropping hints about moving into the small 'in-law' apartment at our house. I find it hilarious because there will NEVER be any of our in-laws living there. My mother has been nice as pie for a while now because she wants in. My husband's parents too. The place is newly renovated and very nice. Very nice for our son or as the office space for the business. We're still enjoying the three paretns wining and dining us as they say, but none of them are ever moving here.
Please stay strong and do not let yourself get caught in the caregiving trap again with your FIL or anyone else.
I am caring for my mother Leticia, who is 59 years old, living in my home with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, diabetes, and stroke.
Get her name on some lists for handicapped housing and she will get whatever homecare aides she needs. Being on SSI, there are no assets so the state pays for everything.
If her health is not well enough for her to live independently in a handicapped housing option, then she will have to go into a long term care facility. Once again, Medicaid will pay for it.
I really don't think your boyfriend agreed to have your mother with multiple health problems both physical and mental, living with him and you until she dies. He sounds like a nice guy who agreed to your mother coming temporarily until she got approved for SSI. You do know that SSI is for people who are disabled but did not work and pay taxes for ten years so don't qualify for regular SSD (Social Security Disability). I am assuming that she had no income (or was possibly on welfare) before getting approved for SSI. So your boyfriend did a good deed and let her come too. I'm sure he did not mean permanently.
She has income now and it's time for other arrangements to be made for her.
You can't expect your boyfriend to allow this situation to continue indefinitely. Your mother is only 59 so you must be pretty young yourself.
Sit down with your boyfriend and have a talk. If the two of you want to build a life together, your mother has to go. If you're notwilling to do that, then let him go so he can find someone to build a life with and you can take care of your mother until oen of you dies.
BF can see the OP has chosen her life-mate. And it's not him.
BF has attemtped to lead them to a couple relationship, the OP will not.
The OP wants to live with her Mother & him to follow that plan. He does not.
His remaining option is to leave.
I know I am one of them. If my husband who has Parkinson’s disease gets dementia different arrangement is in place.
My GF’s mother has ALZ for 7-10 years, her father is destroyed and desperate for help which she refuses.
And it only gets worse.
She needs to be watched 24/7.
Do you think it is fair or would you expose boyfriend/ husband/ spouse to anything like this?
I mean WTF??? Who in their right mind would want that kind of living arrangement, especially someone who's not even married?
Has your mom actually been diagnosed with dementia at the age of 59? And if she has been, that would mean that it's early onset Alzheimer's and could go on for 20+ years. Do you honestly think that you're prepared to care for her when she gets combative, becomes incontinent both ways, loses her ability to communicate, and falls all the time?
You are WAY too young to be giving up your life to be taking care of your mom.
You need to get a real job that will help you pay for your future, and your own future care.
And if you're truly wanting a man in your life, you may have to rethink the taking care of your mom until she dies thing, as I can't think of any man that would want to share his girlfriend with her mom for any length of time let alone 20+ years(and of course if mom doesn't have dementia it could be 40+ years).
You have to decide what is more important to you....caring for your mom until she dies many years down the road or having a man who you can share your life with and perhaps start a family with, and love and cherish till death do you part.
I don't believe you can have both, so you will have to decide which is more important, and who is more important....you or your mom.
Best wishes in making the right decision.
I keep thinking about the poster that had his girlfriend who became his wife tell him the same thing. He is in the process of getting divorced, because he is not going to forsake his life to prop up a situation that only gets worse with the progression.
So sad that parents expect this from their children, proof to me that they don't and never did care about their progeny. Nothing but a tool to serve their purposes, quite shameful really.
There is nothing wrong with finding other arrangements for your mom. You can still be supportive but at least you go home to your own residence at the end of the day. It's worth considering - with or without a boyfriend. You deserve to live your own life too!
I cannot, myself, blame him. This isn't something I would do; it would be a deal breaker for me.
You have said you have no intention of not living with your mother, so I would part amicably and try to remain friends.
While you may not understand how he FEELS, you do understand his intentions.
You cannot change other's feelings and choices.
Was your mom living with you when the BF joined the picture? If so, he knew the situation when he started. If not, I can see how that would be difficult.
I would, personally, care for my mom right up to the end. That is my mom.
In this case its not like an octogenarian mom with a few years left. Even people with all the moms issues ca live long.
I don't blame your boyfriend, she could live for another 30 years my mother is 99, and in AL.
Who would want to live with a MIL or mother as an adult for possibly till death do you part. That should be reserved for a marriage, not between a child and a parent.
Three or 4 in a relationship just will not work.
Let him go so he can enjoy his life and not be tied to being a caregiver helper for life.
Sending support your way.
I asked what happened to so and so , I liked her. He said her life was to complicated, her mom lived with her and that's not what he wants in his life. At least he had the guts to admit it, and not get into a long relationship with her hoping it will change.
I think you have a lot of thinking to do about what you want in life. Do you want a relationship, even if you find someone that accepts it, it will most definitely cause stress in your relationship. Or do you want to take care of your mom.
There is no right or wrong in this. You need to do what's best for you! Not your mom and not the bf, for you. As long as taking care of your mom is not done out of obligation and guilt, because then you will have resentments to your mom.
Best of luck
In that case the husband comes first. In this case, there is not a marriage bond.
I do see BFs point. I would not like it either. So like the other lady you have to make a choice. You either have to be the supportive GF now, or the supportive daughter. No right choice.
No one.
Your primary relationship is with mom, and you've made that clear. Boyfriend could find a woman who puts him first, and he probably will.
Perhaps you should rethink this and rehome mom.
I am caring for my mother Leticia, who is 59 years old, living in my home with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, diabetes, and stroke.
Because very, very few men or women want to cohabitate with an elder suffering from dementia at 59 years old with the prospect of spending the next few decades of their significant other preoccupied with her care. And their home looking and smelling like a nursing home. What may have seemed tolerable in theory no longer feels tolerable in reality, as would be the case for most. You'd like your bf to be more supportive, but you need to acknowledge his feelings too. A threesome doesnt normally work in a romantic relationship because there's no privacy, either.
If you are going to care for mother for life, you may have to end this relationship with your current bf. Try to find someone who is ok...in reality.....with the 3 of you cohabitating.
Or agree to place mom in a Skilled Nursing facility with Medicaid if and when her care becomes too much for you. She cannot live alone with these disabilities, obviously.
Good luck to you.
You are not married to BF and he knew your commitment to your Mom when he moved in, so he may not be the man for you.
If you were in a committed marriage then the majority on this forum would probably say your husband (and future children) are your priority. Which doesn't mean you don't love and help your Mom... supporting her will just take on a different form. You need privacy for you and your partner, and for you to not be drained from caregiving and possibly working another actual paying job. This may not be the case now -- but it will be as your Mom ages and requires more and more care. That being said, it is not right if your Mom only had YOU as her retirement plan. That is poor planning on her part. If she doesn't see the need for her to be as independent from you as possible, then she is also clueless and selfish. Did she move her Mother in and become her 24/7 caregiver? I bet not.
There are other solutions for your Mom -- you just need to be flexible and accepting of them (and so does she). You can connect her with social services for her county to discuss needs and even Section 8 (affordable) housing. The longer your Mom can be independent from you, the better. Also, you cannot be paying for her support. It's not fair to you and your future, and not fair to anyone you plan to commit to. You are her solution for everything, and this will never stop being a problem in your life.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you consider your next move.