My 85 yr old Mom is narcissistic and rude. I am her only living child, 63 yrs old. I take care of her, her house, her yard her laundry, her dogs, her dishes her meals, her bills, her mail. I say "bye Mom, Love you," and she always answers she doubts that! I then go home at night exhausted and depressed to my husband, our laundry, our dogs, our dishes, our meals, our bills, and our mail. I take her to lunch everyday just to relive her telling me all my flaws, then when I say it's OK, I know I'm not perfect.... she says I'm a boring "Pollyanna" and I'm stupid.
I think she appreciates ALL I do for her and I really try to do it with a Happy Heart. Some days I can't seem to HEAR happy words instead of mean....how do ya'll handle it??
Am I just getting burned out after 4 yrs?
I hope not. She very healthy, healthier than I am??
Take her to lunch every day feeds her narcissism. "Oh Perk4me is coming today so I know I can get what I need." How about, stop.
"Can't come today mom."
"Not today mom."
"Another time, mom."
I had to sit with that uncomfortableness and let me tell you it was HARD but not impossible. Suddenly it became a genuine, "Thanks for taking me today," and "I like when you can come by."
You're waiting for a magic moment that does not exist. Make your own. She will lose it, sure, when you say the word "can't" but to tease you this horrific manipulative way is cruel to you. "You'll be happy when I die." What kind of parent says that.
Closely related, “you just want me to die or I wanna die”
Answer, I can’t blame you.
lunch.
Taking care of her does not mean giving up your life and mental well-being.
IMO, it is time to set your boundaries, in all honesty you are doing this to yourself, being a martyr is a self-fulfilling prophecy leading to a very unhappy stressful existence.
One key point to always remember - you are NOT responsible for how they feel. You cannot make them happy. If they want to kill themselves (for whatever reason (and we both know they won't)) that's not on you - that would be THEIR choice.
So you need to re-train your brain away from this guilt-ridden mode of thinking. Your mother has essentially programmed you to think this way, over many many years.
It will feel unnatural when you stop feeling guilty. It will feel wrong. You'll find ways to tell yourself your a bad person for looking out for yourself. This is what the narcissist depends on...you're constant guilt. But remember this saying:
"I cannot fix what I didn't break."
You did not create your mother's way of thinking, her attitude, her illness, or the rest of it. All you can do, is provide (if needed) help for her in a way that's both best for her AND you. And honestly, you need to start putting yourself first or you probably will end up as the person in the grave first.
Toxic people can and WILL pull you under. You need to put on your lifejacket first before you can help her. Create boundaries. Establish limits. If she starts abusing you verbally say to her "I don't deserve this and I will not listen to this" and walk away (if possible). If not possible, just say it.
I'd suggest reading a few books on children of narcissists and BPD. Change is hard but you can break the cycle.
i hope you know, really understand - that this is weaponized empathy, and absolutely abuse.
she is threatening to do something she knows would cause horrendous guilt in you, so that you'll do whatever she says. i had an ex that used to tell me the same thing, until i learned that that was abuse, and called his bluff. surprise - he's still living and breathing, just nowhere near me!
from a spiritual perspective - would your dad want you to sbject yourself to abuse just to keep a promise to him? you've done more than anyone could reasonably expect - and now it's time to preserve and protect yourself. who else is going to put yourself first? not your husband or dogs, not death-as-a-saving-grace, and certanly not your mom. when you've been beaten down your whole life by someone like this, it's normal to think that setting healthy boundaries feels "mean" or "wrong" - because we've been conditioned to accept scraps as adequate...so actually demanding the bare minimum (as appropriate!) feels like you're being a horrible b!tch.
You've got to adjust your inner setpoint to properly recognize this treatment as abusive.
There will be a grieving process, where you'll get angry at yourself for what you've tolerated for so long - but there will also be something after that, where you're able to be firm and assertive and NOT give your life-force over to a black hole of drama and pain. It can be so, so much better than this!
Trust me, I can relate to so much of what you've said - and I'm still dealing with my narc father (why I made an account to post here)...but then, we've also come pretty far in terms of how he used to try and treat me, to how he interacts now.
I highly recommend reading about C-PTSD (because most adult children of narcs have it), and the "grey rock technique" for dealing with narcissists. Please, start choosing yourself. It's not terrible of you to expect to be in charge of your own life, time, and boundaries.
Promising your Dad u will care for her does not mean u disable her. What is so hard about putting a load of laundry in. Washing a few dishes. She can hire a cleaning lady. Out to lunch everyday! How can u afford it? You need to start backing off. And...Mom is ABUSIVE. You need to give her as good as she gives. "Well, this boring and stupid person does not have to take you to lunch everyday" You have to get mad at some point. Mom needs you more than you need her. And, I really doubt she appreciates what u do for her because she expects it.
I am all for being there for a parent but we don't give up our lives for them. We don't give in to every demand. Had this discussion with DH yesterday and he said he would never quit a job to care for a parent.
You need boundries. Most companies have apps you can pay your bills on. Look up the "gray rock method". You may be able to use it in dealing with Mom to a point. Don't engage her, don't be happy hearted. So, lets say, tomorrow you call Mom and say "won't make it today. Not feeling well". If she says what about me what about the dogs. Say you think she is very capable of feeding her dogs and getting something to eat. Tell her to order out if she needs to. One day of not eating will not kill her... I hope.😊 When u go to her house keep conversation to a minimum. Only talk when needed. When she gets started on you, drop what you are doing, say good bye and walk out. You really don't have to say goodbye. If she calls you when u get home, answer when she gets started let her go. Then firmly and quietly tell her. "I am not putting up with your abuse any longer. I am taking my life back. There are going to be changes" Never raise your voice. I was told one time when someone starts screaming at you quietly answer. Since the person can't hear you they tend lower their voice.
Its not disrespect to stand your ground. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Your Mom does not deserve you. I know, it is going to be hard to say that first NO. But it will get easier. You are a Senior too. You and DH need to start enjoying your lives. Plan things. You can always set Mom up meal wise the day before. She must be able to get herself a bowl of cereal. You can make up some Tuna for lunch. I am sure she can spread it herself on 2 pieces of bread. Dinner, maybe you want to try making some meals and freezing them ahead. I am sure she can use a microwave. Her dogs, if she can no longer care for them, maybe she needs to rehome them. (Tell her this) Must be a kid in the neighborhood that would love to make some money walking the dogs. As I said, you are disabling your Mom and you are going to pay for it down the line. Learn to just walk away. You can not answer her calls either. Let them go to VM. Call when u feel u can deal with her. You know...your husband should be number one.
If Mom should ever need to be cared for physically, don't let it be you. Placing her in an AL or LTC is still caring for her. You are placing her where she will get the care she needs. Sounds to me Mom needs a Home Health Aide. They are more into cleaning and cooking than than the actual physical caring. If Mom can afford one a day or two a week even, that gives you "me" time. I bet if you back off you will find Mom will have to do for herself.
The next time she says she’s going to kill herself call 911. Let them take her, and when the hospital wants her released, you can’t be there, and won’t pick her up.
or
not sure if you can call adult protective services and report her as a senior in need ??? I read where you said, your mom called on you. Did they have suggestions for you to get her help? She is mentally I’ll and abusive. If your mom cannot take care of herself physically, get her help by reaching out to services available .
And be done.
Because I don't know anyone or anything that says just keep accepting the abuse. Life long according to your words.
Getting her placed is help. She needs professional care and not you. That isn't cruel.
When her vile, toxic treatment causes you to have a fatal stroke will you expect one of your children to pick up where you left off? What will happen to her then?
Right now you could be her advocate and make sure she is getting the best care possible, if you're dead, the state will do it and there is a big difference between someone that cares and someone getting paid.
I think it is sad that you would deprive your children and grandchildren of you because you think you are supposed to be this thing you call mom scratching post, doormat and punching bag. Your offspring deserve better then a headstone to visit.
Oh, any deathbed promise is extortion of an emotional situation and should not be considered a real promise. I find that selfish, self-centered and a justification for not making arraignments for a situation you had the responsibility for. It's cruel.
No, she doesn't. I'm sure your mother loves you, but she has no respect for you.
It's time for you to stop doing everything for her because you're enabling her "Senior Brat" behavior. Bring in some hired help that either she pays for or insurance does. Like a homemaker/companion to clean her house, run her errands, and cook her meals. You don't have to do that every day or any day if you don't want to.
A landscaper to handle her yard work and maintenance. You definitely have burnout. At 63 it's time for you to be taking a bit of a break for your own health. Please look into getting your mother set up with some in-home help.
If she gets bratty or stubborn about it tell her she's on her own and stop helping her entirely. She'll come around.
In a senior staff meeting one day, our very disrespectful boss was speaking to me in a manner that was unnecessary, uncalled for. I asked, "Why are you talking to me like that?" If you think of characters in movies who begin to stammer, that's what my boss did. Shut her right down.
To a friend who was spewing venom at me, I replied, "Why are you talking to me like that? I don't talk that way to you." (Again, think of stammering movie characters.)
On the flip side, I'd been extremely frustrated with my mother, who never had a reflective moment in her life. I'd grown snappy with her. One day, she asked, "Why are you always so angry with me?" I said, "That's a fair question," and I told her why. It opened a discussion but also put me on cue.
Find a way to put it back on her but say it in a gentle tone with words she can't accuse you of being too sensitive. "Why do cut me down when I'm just trying to help you? Is that what you really think of me, Mom?"
And yes, after four years with all you do for her, you are getting burned out. You'd be burned out even if she were always sweet-natured and outwardly appreciative. That's what happens with caregivers.
It's okay to put her on cue. It's okay to put anyone on cue if they are behaving badly. (Just check yourself first----are we antagonistic? is the feedback we receive a response to how we're behaving? etc.)
In the end (minus a dx such as dementia), you need to make her realize that mean spiritedness has consequences. "If you can't show respect and don't think I'm doing a good job, then you need to find an aide, Mom."
I took care of a man whose wife was a chronic complainer and yeller. When I was having a moment where I just couldn't stand it any more, I'd softly say, "Stop." And she would.
You never know what will work with a person...but you know your mother, what makes her tick. I think you can find a way to use what you know to put her in check, even if it only works for a day or two, and you find you have to do it every few days.
Then there's the tough love. Lay it on the line that she needs to show respect, and if she can't, you will leave for the day. And when she starts in on you, remind her what you said would happen if she couldn't be nice, and leave.
I think, though, ultimately, you can't continue the pace and do need to get some extra hands in there.
Hugs.
Stop.
Stop living her life.
Retake your own.
It's not a matter of walking away from her.
It's a matter of
1)protecting yourself - your mental and physical health, your enjoyment of your family,
2) assisting getting your mother the help she needs. This does not require much contact with her,
My mother put me down. She was mentally ill. I still was her POA -at a distance and got her help she needed. I saw her a few times a year. All of that was hard enough with her BPD and vascular dementia . I think my mother, somewhere down there, appreciated what I did for her, but that did not give her a pass of emotionally and verbally abuse me. I had to protect myself from that.
Paulo Coelho, “When you say 'Yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'No' to yourself.'
How do you deal with her verbal abuse - spend less time with her, do less for her, leave or hang up the phone when she gets abusive.
IMO it wouldn't be normal or healthy to be happy in your situation. The only one who you can change is you. Step out of the FOG (Fear, obligation and guilt) and start treating yourself and your family right.
My mother is the same way. Always put me down. Always made me her scapegoat. Always worked as hard as she could to ruin whatever happiness I ever got for myself.
Then one day I decided enough was enough and walked away. I didn't see or speak to my mother for almost six years.
We started talking again and I've been her caregiver for some time. She had to make some honest amends to me for that to happen and she did.
The old abusive behaviors come out though. Her negativity and desire to drag everyone down to her misery still around.
She's elderly and needy now. She knows that I will not tolerate one moment of stubbornness or gaslighting, or verbal abuse, or sabotaging. There will be no staged falls or 'performances' to get attention. I put a stop to the two and three doctor's appointments a week I was bringing her to that were really just for entertainment and attention-seeking.
She knows that I will walk away again permanently if she brings back any of the old behaviors. Also, that she will be placed if dementia shows up.
People have to look after their own physical and mental health.
Imagine your mother is just any other person you want to help. So you go see them daily... and despite you doing your best, you know you will be slapped, kicked, punched, choked, degraded, called filthy names. You end up nearly beaten to death, crumpled on the floor, too scared and too tired to fight back. You can barely breathe. You somehow make it home, and you're too torn down and in pain to even talk to your husband or play with your dogs. And then you get up and come back the next day. Maybe they'll change. I mean, deep down you know this person loves you. They just don't know how to show it.
Sounds horrific and insane, right?
But guess what? You are in this exact same boat. The beatings just happen with words and not fists (yet). You're not her daughter. You're the rug to wipe her feet on, the verbal punching bag.
STOP TRYING TO MAKE HER HAPPY. SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE HAPPY. People like this are never happy, because they thrive on hatefulness and drama. The only thing that brings her joy is crapping on you. And that is not why God put you on this earth.
You are lying to yourself about how you take these verbal beatings "with a happy heart". For real? She harms you daily. You can fake a happy heart all you want, but it won't help you. Or her. She is NOT grateful for all you do for her, because it doesn't meet her impossible standards. You are not good enough for her. But really, no one is!
You say you 'promised your father'. You gave it four years, so you can't say you didn't make a good effort. If you're hoping for a deathbed "I always loved you" or an apology, or even a thank you... you will not get it. Your father had to have known what kind of person she was. I'm sure your father didn't expect you to be her dumping ground for abuse. If he did, I am terribly sorry.
You say walking away would be cruel. How? She is a cruel person. You're experiencing her cruelty daily. THAT is the cruelty of it. You don't have to 'divorce her'. You can, however, step back. Not away, just back. Stop with the daily lunches. Twice a week would be enough.
If no one else has told you this, I will: You are worthy. You're a beautiful person. You have a good heart. You are more than your flaws. Your mother is wrong about you! It's awful that a child can't ever get their mother's love, and you don't deserve this. You don't have to be that scared and hurt little girl anymore.
If you died, would this lady survive? Probably. So set it up like you have.
If you are paying for the food but not her pge, cal water and so forth, she knows how to pay bills. Set up an instacart she is in charge of with her money. If it’s gonna be yours, then you control it and it’s for nutritional access only. Frozen dinners and alpo, not gourmet Whole Foods.
oh, and dish and laundry detergent.
Dont do her dishes, mow her lawn, do her laundry or pick up dog poo. Don’t take her to lunch. Just the weekly food box of staples.
It obviously hurts you or you wouldn’t ask.
She is trying to get a rise out of you. An “I’m sorry.” An “I’ll miss you.”. Any response at all. Even anger will make it worth her while.
Give her zero response and she will get bored with this routine.
https://heliopolis.la/bless-your-heart-the-sliding-scale-of-passive-aggressive/
Seriously, if she ALWAYS responds that way, I'd be tempted to vary my goodbyes.
"Bye Mom, I'll bring the dog food next time."
"Bye Mom, I need to go now or I'll be late."
"Bye Mom. I wish you could be kinder, but I'll miss you when you're gone."
"Bye Mom. Have a look at those independent living brochures that I left on the table. They allow two small dogs. I think one of us might enjoy living there."
"Bye Mom. Doordash will bring lunch at noon tomorrow. I have an appointment again."
"Bye Mom. Look! What's that behind you!"
"Bye Mom. How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck would chuck wood?"
Medicare has sent 3 geriatric psychiatrists for evaluation. They all have said "she's too self absorbed and rude and "sorry but cannot help those who refuse to be helped"
I laughed but I have tapped my toes and looked at my watch...I have been big and bad, but she's So much better at it than me. She has 1 line "know it all answers" and I am no match for her....
I hate to be combative, I can't stand conflict...I've had too many strokes and I just want her to be appreciative?? My daughter and I have the BEST relationship. I'm on the Spectrum and have ptsd that I take medication for. My mom has always proudly said "I give hear attacks. I don't get them" FYI, my dad died 4 yrs ago of a heart attack...so did my sister in 2013. I've hung in there for 4 yrs then started reading everyone's post on this forum....now I think my mom has been right. I am stupid and she has drained the life and happy right out of me. She just sits and refuses to eat or move if I don't go and stay. The house is full of cameras and she can outwait me. She even called Elder abusive on me and they took it very seriously. Until they watched some of the videos....then they seriously said I'd should look into insanity as the issue. She sat on the floor and although seems fine insisted we call an ambulance. The hospital kept her 2 weeks and declared her 5150....then said come get her cuz we can no longer deal with her. I just don't know.
Sorry, now I just feel I've said too much and there really isn't anything I can do except to do what I've been doing. She's nvr had a job or worked or done a single thing she didn't want to.
I d k
She won't change.
Yours is the only behavior you control.
There is no reason why your mother should be treating you like garbage, and no reason why you should be tolerating it! Tell her to call you when she's in the mood to act civilized, and you'll check your schedule to see if you're available to to take care of her, her house, her yard, her laundry, her dogs, her dishes, her meals, her bills and her mail. But let me say this: I would NOT be doing all that if/when you do go back to see her (after she calls YOU); I'd hire out most of it; the yard work, send the laundry out, hire someone to do the pooper scooping, put the dishes in the dishwasher, and hire caregivers to come in 4 hours a day to cook and do the rest.
Set down some boundaries NOW before YOU wind up dying first, God forbid. No joke.
Don't allow yourself to be treated like this for ONE MORE MINUTE. You're worth way more than you or your mother give you credit for. Realize that, okay?
I am dirt in her eyes and she has always treated me that way...she thinks that's normal. I don't know how to fix it. I can't just walk away.
BUT doctors say she is in my care and I need to care for her. So, what I should do other than what I have been doing...I just don't know.
Her heart. Lungs, body are all perfect. People say she looks younger than me????
Today was the worst it's ever been. I told her we'd try again in the morning. I left her dinner in the fridge and I walked home...she won't remember any of it in the morning....I guess the real question I should of asked was...how do I forget and reset each day??
So I am curious why you do her laundry, dishes, mail. I am a healthy 80 year old with a 60 year old daughter. God forbid she do these things for me.
I really am afraid I don't understand.
More information might help.
Has your Mom always been like this, or has there been a change?
If so, why do you insist on spending so much time with her?
She's always been like this....
I was raised by guilt. I keep hoping she'll have a revelation and just be nice. The neighbors call to complain that she needs help, or to say her dogs are loose and everyone looks to me to fix it. Had I known how healthy she was I wouldn't have left my grandbabies in another state and moved here to be her Cinderella, 😳 but now that I have, I don't know how to change??
ANY suggestions would be helpful....
I think that kind of crap is used to manipulate and guilt, that is unacceptable and will most likely stop when you agree with her.
More information about your mom and your living circumstances would be helpful. You'll get get better answers.
Is your mother's depression being treated?
Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation of her mental health.