How do I acquire more patience taking care of my father in law when I don't like him as a person?
I volunteered to take my in laws in to live with us 5 years ago. Things were different then. They lived in our finished basement. Now, my mother in law is gone (passed) and we have since moved to another state and we see him more in the house. He's 78. He is stubborn, egotistical, selfish, cold, distant, has 'THE' poorest social skills, a know it all, and doesn't listen to instructions. What makes things more tricky is that the only reason he and my mother in law moved in with is because I'm the one that urged them to do it. At the time his father was a year post stroke and being his wife's primary caregiver he could no longer handle it. And his wife's family wasn't not going to take them in. So I thought to make them happy why not spend time with the grandkids? But it turned out to be a nightmare. My mother in law had serious mental health issues. And I had some of my own and we clashed like oil and vinegar. We always loved each other at the end of the day though. And her passing was very hard on me and my kids. But my husband had a TERRIBLE relationship (or lack thereof) with his parents his whole life so there isn't much emotional connection there to begin with. So he doesn't have a lot of patience with his father. Fast forward to now. My father in law has worsening dementia which I'm very familiar with. And so how in the world do I get past this unkind, selfish, ungrateful person's personality so I can continue to try to be a good human and take care of him without being an a******? Because I feel like too often my attitude isn't what I would want if the shoe were on the other foot. I try to be conscious of things, my tone etc. But many days I fall short. I have 3 kids, him and a house to take care of. I also help my father with a lot of online stuff who lives hundreds of miles away because his health stinks and my mother has frontotemporal lobe dementia. I don't know. I'm exhausted. Ha!
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My Mom and I clashed often during a 4.5+ year span after my father passed away in 2016.
We too shared love at the end of the day but I was constantly checking myself when responding to her behavior. I got better at accepting things for what they were... She wasn't clinically diagnosed with dementia until December 2020.
Make sure that you are never too hard on yourself. You have taken on a very difficult position, as you well know.
My Mom was finally diagnosed after she had called the police several times about being threatened by delusional voices from outside and then taking a fall on December 1, 2020. Her dementia was on full display to trauma center staff and then to skilled nursing facility staff.
My Mom is now at peace and I am too. She was experiencing a miserable existence and she is now free from that.
Please take care of yourself. The decisions that you make regarding your FIL will be the best that you can possibly make no matter what.
The road is filled with imperfections from all parties that will be involved.
We are only human.
in some cases, when you truly can’t find it in your heart to caregiver, there is always the word NO.
I have a lot of days where I know my mom deserves better, but I’ll pray and do a mood change (sometimes requires a glass of wine) and I try to put myself in her shoes- or slipper socks to be more accurate.
If you really hate it, work on finding someone else for him.
My grandpa preferred another male to help him. That could be the trick.
Old people don’t want to feel like burdens and our own attitudes towards them can make it worse. Then we wonder why they are cranky.
Tackle trials with smiles.
'... how in the world do I get past this unkind, selfish, ungrateful person's personality so I can continue to try to be a good human and take care of him without being an a******? Because I feel like too often my attitude isn't what I would want if the shoe were on the other foot. I try to be conscious of things, my tone etc. But many days I fall short.'
This is my life too, even though Mum lives in her own flat in sheltered accommodation just down the road. After three and a half years I haven't found a solution, I'm afraid. I live in a state of constant tension between what I want/need and what she wants, which are irreconcilable.
This may be more for YOU than it is for him, but you have a chance to change your heart and mind to love someone who is unloveable.
You will be showing your husband ( who could also be doing this, and stepping up to help HIS father) and your children what kindness looks like. ( e.g. Think of your kids, they don't like homework, but it's something that has to be done, and isn't it better for everyone if it's done without complaining and tears?). Do the same thing with your FIL.
What a horrible challenge and what a wonderful opportunity to show love.
TAKING ABUSE IS NOT LOVE.
LETTING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY BE DISRESPECTED IS NOT LOVE.
There is kindness and then there is allowing someone to live in your home who shows no respect and is rude and ungrateful. There’s multiple ways to show love without ruining your home and affecting kids negatively.
Taking abuse and letting someone make your home into a mental war zone benefits no one.
Maybe you might wish to take him in your home? You’d get a great opportunity to show love!
Lots of grace for you is needed. Stroke and dementia can bring out the worst in any person. I have hear women who were SAINTS before disease become horrible!
if FIL is able to comprehend and learn/ remember- it’s OK to set boundaries- which you and hubby agree to. They may need to be written on a poster.
Love. Lots of love. For your spouse, children, yourself, THEN FIL.
as this response says- it’s OK to change your mind. Circumstances have changed. Illness has changed. If you cannot peacefully live together, then don’t.
of you have NO option, find help now! Council on aging, state Elder Care, Federal programs, Daycare, private hire through church or ? Agencies. give yourself permission for a time out/ away.
find a support group where you can be honest.
mostly God bless you for your efforts. One writer said it well- take cate if you. If you get sick, who will take care of the kids?
oh, and “no” is a complete sentence.
"But my husband had a TERRIBLE relationship (or lack thereof) with his parents his whole life so there isn't much emotional connection there to begin with. So he doesn't have a lot of patience with his father."
I don't think she considers herself a "flunkie." She initiated and facilitated the move, anticipating, as many think (and some suggest) that it's just a matter of providing some care for elders, not so hard, keeps family together, kids get to "enjoy" their grandparents. All too often, strokes and dementia can throw multiple monkey wrenches into our plans. Sounds like he was perhaps a bit like this before moving in, but having it in your face all day every day changes our perspectives!
Although I didn't have the best relationship with my parents, I had considered some kind of in-home care, several times. Thankfully my better working brain cells enlightened me! Mom's refusal to consider moving anywhere contributed as well. By the time she needed to be in a safer situation (she was living alone, with dementia), there was no way I could physically take on the task - she was over 90, I was considered a senior myself and have back issues that require me to be careful what I take on! Her weight and inability to do stairs also negated moving in here.
When my grandmother (on mom's side) needed more supervision (NOT dementia), my parents and mom's sisters took turns, months at a time caring for her. Their experience was more like those "good old days", in that Nana was easy to care for, didn't have dementia, could be in the home alone while they worked, etc and it was fun for me when I could "hang out" with her. She passed on well before anyone else was "older" and retired, so they ALL had a GREAT LONG FUN retirement. Mine so far has been just managing to get by and spending more and more of my time helping her in her own place, finding a place for her, overseeing everything for her, doing all I could to spend time with her, almost TWO years clearing out, cleaning and repairing her condo so we could sell it, etc. Hardly a dream retirement!
Everyone here is giving good advice and I hope I won't over-step when I weigh in on this too.
First, you are NOT being an a******!! You have a husband and kids (and yourself!)--all of you need to come first. My FIL was EXACTLY like you describe. When he got sick after my MIL died, I told my husband I would take him and I still had two children at home. He said no. He told me that a man like that would ruin my life and our marriage and he wasn't willing to do that. My FIL went into a facility, and my husband was right. He tortured everyone who ever cared for him, calling them the names he used to reserve for the women in the family.
Some people can't be helped. Some don't appreciate the help given. You've done your stint in hell. Think of how differently you'd feel if he were different. You'd still be exhausted--you do a LOT. But you would be calmer, happier, and feel better about yourself than you do now. He brought a lot of this on himself.
Please take care of yourself.
--Essie
Note that initially it was OP's idea for them to move in, despite husband's poor/non-existent relationship with them. Also note that they lived in their own space in the home, so not underfoot/in-your-face all day every day. While losing his wife may have contributed to some of his behavior, it really sounds more like this IS who he is and the stroke and dementia have not made it any better, perhaps made it worse.
I have other reasons I couldn't take in my mother, but I was already saying that the MAX time I could spend with her was 4 hours, generally if others were around. She could get under my skin with things she would say about others and me. Definitely prejudiced, but would also say very negative things about her own family members, our spouses, even her own friends! All day every day? One can only tune out so much.
I'd also have serious issue exposing young children to these behaviors. The tension will impact them and the bad behavior can rub off on them (much as I'd hoped my own kids GOOD point would rub off on their friends, it was usually the other way around!) Thankfully, in the end, the good outweighed the bad influences!
I don't think her dislike of him has made him more difficult or changed her perspectives on him, it is more likely that the constant exposure to all his behavioral issues have increased the tension and dislike. You can't change someone else's behavior, esp not with dementia in the mix, but it doesn't sound like OP has any more room for adjustments to herself!
"You also must protect yourself..." AND your children. Sometimes as adults we can put up enough barriers, blinders and ear plugs to tune out some of this, but the impact on kids can be really bad. WE can't see what's going on in their heads, truly know how it might be affecting them emotionally or physically. We can talk with them, if they are old enough, to explain at their age level, but that might not be enough. They might also "learn" some of his bad behaviors and exhibit them, either in the home, or worse, out in the world!!!
It's hard enough to take care of someone that you like and love.
Depending on his dementia, you might try talking to him and letting him know he needs to start acting differently if he's going to continue living with you.
You can only pray real hard and try to let what he says go thru one ear and out the other.
Maybe he's bored?
Try to have things for him to do.
Pain't by number
Color
Play with kids magnetic blocks
Have a pet.
Play music he likes in his room.
Let him look at old family pictures.
See if your can get a family member to take him for the Weekend to give you a break.
Hire a Caregiver to come by once a day for 2-4 hrs or a couple times a week for a couple hrs.
Prayers
Am I hard about this - YES - having grown up in a household with a mother like your husband's father I still tried to do the right thing and have her to live with us when she needed care - within 3 years it was her or me and I had to admit I have been stupid through a sense of duty and although it caused a few months very unpleasant behaviour (and confused stupidity which had to be sorted out) she went into a AL facility - we still have odd weeks where we have to deal with anti behaviour (I feel for the staff she is so rude and obnoxious to them) but at least there is sanity in our home for my husband.
I do think this would be best for all (OP, on the edge, DH, who really has no working relationship with his parents, and the kids, especially the kids, who could bear the brunt of this for a long long time!)
"Where to depends on his needs for care, but he is not your responsiblity."
This also depends on income/assets FIL might have. If he can afford MC, that should be the plan. If he can't, could he qualify for Medicaid? If not (and even if), consult with EC atty to explore other options.
SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE but not living in their home! There is no way to change him, OP has tried her best to work around him, AND the kids are going to get the worst of all this!
For those who think doing a move would teach the kids it's okay to "throw away our elders", NO. Done right, with discussions at appropriate age level, they can learn valuable lessons. Keeping the status quo is NOT benefiting those kids - they are being exposed to obnoxious unkind behavior which can affect their own futures negatively.
Also, kids are not mini-slaves. If we are having kids so they can bow down to us in our elder years and provide any and all care, no matter how abusive we might be, no matter how much it affects their current physical and financial lives AND future physical and financial lives, no matter what, just so WE get what WE think WE deserve, then WE have no business having children.
I've already told my kids I don't want them taking me in and caring for me. Oversee my care, visit if you really want to, but live your lives! I didn't have and raise my kids as an old age pension. I tried to instill the best values and education in them so they would be productive caring adults. That doesn't mean giving up their current and future lives for me. Mothers have kids, nurture them, teach them and then sent them free.
It's sad and can be painful at first, but you will be so glad that found some assistance you can get back to your normal existence and it will better for everyone, especially you.