I haven’t stopped to process how my sister’s suicide put me in instant caregiver role 5 years ago. I used to be organized, deliberate, more ‘together’, and more professional ( teacher). Now I just cry out of nowhere and I’m just sick of being the expected answer to everything for my mother. Organized? Hah. Stress eat? Medicated? Completely. There are times I just wish she would pass away so I could regain my own sanity. She was not a good mother in many ways, but am I alone in these dark thoughts? I am on my own family-wise. It’s all on me. Am I a horrible person for my thoughts?
Hugs
i really hope you don’t feel this way. what i mean is, i hope you find a good solution!! hug!!
love/care for your LO.
love/care for yourself too.
hug!!!
If you are, then everyone who takes the role of caregiver for a loved one is a horrible person. The person we take care of is not our parent or our spouse, it is someone we never met who never did anything for us, but we are obligated to take their abuse.
"There are times I just wish she would pass away so I could regain my own sanity." I think we have all had these thoughts or desires. I think you are perfectly normal. I also believe you and everyone else who takes on the caregiving role deserve a hearty round of applause from other family members. Well done!
My wife's first anniversary in long term care is next week. Before she went into the facility, I was constantly reminded that the only way the situation was going to change was if one of us died. After she called the police on me I realized the situation was beyond my control.
When I meet others in our situation, I remind them that the most valuable asset the sick person has is their caregiver. You need to take care of that asset. Without you, the sick person is even worse off.
Oh, one more thing, they are not lashing out at you per se. They are lashing out at whoever is taking care of them. They are mad at the disease, but they are taking it out on you.
!?!?!?!?!?!?
I have so much sympathy for you, but am also quite angry on your behalf and am wondering if you would like to enforce change in this situation. Just envision the outcome you want and then let nothing stop you until you achieve it. This is your life we’re taking about! It’s worth the effort.
There are days when I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize the person staring back at me. There are also days when I am so angry and so resentful I am immobilized. And, don't even get me started on the family members that don't do a thing to help. Nothing at all. They are the people who should feel horrible and they are the people who should be ashamed of themselves.
There are no "right" answers for you except don't give up. Reach out as much as possible. Get some rest. Try and Let Go as much as you can. I have started shifting my thinking a little and the smallest change has made a huge difference for me. For instance, when I am asked to get something rather than jump up no matter what I'm doing I say ok, wait I'll get it in a minute. Just something that small has helped my stress level. Try to start making tiny steps to help yourself.
A few times a day stop, take 10 deep breathes. It helps a lot too.
But, I must strongly disagree with those who say every caregiver feels this at one point or other. That is not true and, in my personal and professional opinion, this attitude/belief/experience should not be normalized as the expected experience of a caregiver.
One way or another, caregiving is a choice. When a caregiver accepts this role, it is their duty to ensure their loved one is safe, secure, and as healthy as possible. It is also the duty of the caregiver to care for themselves so that they do not sit around wishing their loved one is dead - that is simply not fulfilling the responsibility of safe, secure, and as healthy as possible.
It is critical that you find support:
A group to give you tips, tricks, and resources. In person or online meetings are available to meet you where you are with a variety of options.
An outlet for your mental and physical health. Exercise and meditation are the minimum of wellness care and you can practice them in your home with a computer, or find locations outside the home. Move up from there as needed.
Respite care - even short-term respite - for you to step away from your loved one seems to be in order at this point. You need to think outside the box to ask for help - those resources you find in a group will help, and the investment in your physical and emotional health will help you make the most of the respite care you can put together.
Finally, it is OK to stop your role as a caregiver all together. That can be done more easily than most people think - it is often more a matter of not being willing to invest the money or the time to find the options.
If you feel trapped, find a way to change your situation.
I worry how you will handle your mother's death when it does come given the emotional baggage you are now carrying.
Death will not be a panacea.
Start working to improve your mental health today, and you will be better off in the long run for starting rather than avoiding it.
I hope this all works out for you and your heavy burden of caregiving is lifted off of your shoulders.
If you are, so am I, because my whole life has taken a turn for the worse since my narcissistic mother moved into so-called AL a few minutes from us and handed responsibility for her life to us. My marriage has suffered (my husband has become her replacement husband) and I have permanent pain from muscle tension. I too am on medication. Now my children are needing help with their babies, and I feel torn, as I don't have the energy for them all.
Kas15's words are very helpful - I have had counselling for a year to try to cope better with my own reactions to my mum, but I am sure I will never be at peace while she is alive, sadly. We just have to decide what we really can and can't do and try to be brave, in my case, about facing the self-centred storms that may arise.
It's good to read that many don't feel this way, but we are certainly *not* the only ones who do, and it does not make us bad people, just honest. I hope things look up for you soon.
All in all, I feel people like us need to be celebrated, because we at least have enough caring in us to take care of someone who wasn't necessarily there for us. I feel what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. It always seems there is no end in sight.
We, many of us, are dealing with parents who in the generation before would have passed at 60-80 with their conditions. Parents who did put their elders in a care home environment. Yet we're supposed to sit here pretending that it's "oh more family dinners" while what we are dealing with are increasingly demanding, screechy, vindictive, extremely old people who gaslight their whole family into pretending that there will be "memories."
My parents have already said they will go to a home if it gets to that level. My sister moved almost next door to them, and if it gets to the level where they need more care, then she and they will involve an agency and after that a AL/MC/SNF, whatever the care need is. My parents have never denied this.
They are the exception. Did you see that thread about the 18-yo and her minor sister being forced into that, with posters on this board quoting Bible verses at her? F that. Strongly suspect that this 18-yo won't treat her own children that way.
The seniors of today, especially the older ones, are the most privileged people ever when it comes to DEMANDING that their children and even grandchildren take over with their every WANT. They didn't have to do that, and I've not heard one caregiver say they would subject their children to this passive-aggressive screechy declining hell.
Hell no.
My breaking point was him wetting himself. He had a pee bottle & pullup pants but he was waking me up constantly fully wet & I became exhausted. I would get stroppy & irritated where I was beginning to hate myself for being like this towards my dad. I wished it would all stop, come to an end but to have that happen would mean death. So I would feel guilt cry & push myself to carry on as everyday. Finally I phoned the social worker who came out & offered respite for a week. Dad goes to a home. On hearing this I finally openly sobbed & said no I don't want him in a home. So Social worker arranged for carers at night & respite with sitters. I have the odd moment feeling overwhelmed but I'm getting more sleep & breaks. I'm finally letting go of doing it all myself. I feel sad for my dad unable to do stuff like he used to but I try to make his life bearable. He has TV /radio 24/7, lots of soft treats, clean clothes& bedding . Hes warm & cosy & safe. He can hear, see & talk so hes still lucky. I say this because my mum had Lewybodies dementia & she couldn't talk or do anything. Her quality of life was just lying in bed squirming . That's when I prayed for God to take her. She finally passed in a home it was peaceful. I felt relief but missed just sitting with her even though watching her suffer alive was torture. So I don't wish my dad to die I just wish the difficult things helping dad would end. But by getting help with difficult tasks & respite to take time out then coping with your parents illness will make things easier.