I haven’t stopped to process how my sister’s suicide put me in instant caregiver role 5 years ago. I used to be organized, deliberate, more ‘together’, and more professional ( teacher). Now I just cry out of nowhere and I’m just sick of being the expected answer to everything for my mother. Organized? Hah. Stress eat? Medicated? Completely. There are times I just wish she would pass away so I could regain my own sanity. She was not a good mother in many ways, but am I alone in these dark thoughts? I am on my own family-wise. It’s all on me. Am I a horrible person for my thoughts?
I am so sorry that you are struggling with these thoughts. You’re obviously suffering terribly. I truly believe that you would benefit from therapy.
Sounds like you didn’t even have a chance to process the death of your sister and grieve for her. Your profile states that your mom is in an assisted living facility. How involved are you with her care? Please tell us more details so we can help you.
Please seek help for yourself.. Do whatever you need to do in order to regain your life back.
Wishing you all the best.
We care. Reach out, there is help.
So I get it. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister and the predicament you find yourself in now. Wouldn't it be nice to just pack up and run away to Tahiti bad leave no forwarding address?
Apart from your mother, who can't be expected to put other people's needs before her own (because neither could we if we had Parkinson's and depression), who's doing the expecting? Just you? Anyone else?
Do you think the sacrifice you are making to your mother's care might be one way that you are in fact processing the loss of your little sister to suicide? You don't say very much about what the caregiving involves, but I suspect the workload you're carrying might be disproportionate both to your mother's identifiable needs and to any reasonable assessment of your available time, strength, personal resources.
Wanting an ordeal to end hardly makes you horrible, does it? And just at this point, the only end you can see to your ordeal is your mother's death. There are two problems with that. First, you are not a horrible person and you do not actually want your mother to die. Second, she's 78 and in an ALF - it's very unlikely to happen any time soon.
I don't think it's cruel or monstrous to propose one goal as desirable: that your mother does not end up burying a second daughter. 30% of caregivers die before the person they care for. Let's not let that include you.
You say that your sister's death five years ago made you instantly your mother's caregiver. So - your sister was then your mother's primary caregiver, yes? And your mother was then only 73 which, these days, is barely senior. So - why?
I'm going to stop bombarding you with questions, but the aim is to look more closely at the burden you're carrying and see what part of it you can put down or hand over. Or set fire to and dance round the bonfire, even, metaphorically speaking.
*hugs* I hear ya. Boy, do I hear ya!
As long as you don't take any steps to hurry the end, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Speaking of my own situation, every time I walk into the bedroom, I hope and pray he is still breathing; and hope and pray he isn't. That is my reality and I am okay with it.
Hugs
1 - Contact others to help care for your mom. Contact family, friends, members of your faith community and paid help. The goal is to have enough help from others so your life basics can be completed: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace. "time off" to meet your own health needs, and "time off" to meet your "recharge needs" (doing things you enjoy with people you care about).
2 - If you can't get enough volunteer help, it is time to consider residential care for your mom. If she can afford it and is mentally competent, then a senior community or assisted living is for her. If she has problems with either, she probably qualifies for a bed in a residential facility that takes Medicare/Medicaid.
3 - Please consider mental health as a high priority for yourself. Seek a psychiatrist who places a high value on "talk therapy" and not just medication. Medication is good to help with your symptoms while you work on changing your life situation.
Prayers! Blessings!
You don't have to do this. You don't have to do it if you had the most loving mother and the most amazing relationship in the world, if it is something you are not cut out for, and which controls and changes your life - never mind if you have a mother you don't really get on with and who wasn't so wonderful.
Arrange for your mother to go to a facility that can care for her needs and get your own life back. If you cannot afford it then let the State take care of it.
Don't let ANYONE guilt you into doing what they think is right for your mother, you have a life which you have every right to get on with. We aren't all cut out to be carers especially for those who didn't care for us - you wouldn't take it on for a neighbour, so why should you if your relationship isn't close with someone who just happens to be your mother.
Maybe its time for Boundries. Sorry Mom I can't do this and that anymore. Now, my Mom was easy and pretty much into her Dementia journey but I was so happy there were things I didn't have to do any more. She was given 3 meals a day and snacks. I provided her Depends but not once did I have to change her. The nurse took care of ordering Moms pills and talking to the doctor concerning any changes. I just paid the bills. Worst thing was I still had her house to deal with. I did do her laundry but they did have the service. I was a little OCD. My brother said I was my own worst enemy. I visited no more than 30 min a day, but like said Mom probably didn't know if I had been there or not. If Mom gets started on you, you can leave or hang up the phone. She needs you more than you need her. Think on that. Should give you a new perspective.
I will assume here Mom is demanding and critical. As her daughter you do not have to put up with this. She is safe, fed and has staff to take care of her. She is not your life, she is part of your life. You do what you want to do when you can. Right now being a teacher is not easy. You have had to adapt to a whole new way of teaching.
Is the AL expecting things from you? At Moms I was only called if she had fallen and was taken to the hospital. Staff needs to handle everything else and Mom has to depend on them.
Is Mom bugging you with calls. Block her. Tell her you will call her at a certain time during the day. There is no law saying you have to pick up. Tell the AL that unless its an emergency or something to do with her care, a fall, the staff should handle everything else. Thats what Mom is paying the big bucks for. I left a white board in Moms room for the staff to write down anything they needed. I did supply the diapers but with Moms money. I did replace shoes and clothing, with Moms money.
Give us some examples and we can tell you if you need to do them or allow the staff.
I don't know how often you visit her - but cut it back to once at week at most. Don't take all her phone calls. Try not to talk to her more than once a day. Stay in contact with the staff and see how it's going.
I don't know maybe you tried it all and it doesn't work, but YOU must find some balance in your life and not let mom consume all your lifeforce. Please, please, please take care of yourself. Take time off. Let the staff know so they can contact you in case of a true emergency and don't speak to you mother while you are away - recharge your batteries. Once a month have a few day of NO MOM contact to take care of yourself.
Set boundaries with mom - you know she is who she is - accept it for what it is. You also need to deal with the grief of the loss of your sister - the longer you go without dealing with it the harder it will be to work through it. See a therapist - do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
And finally - NO your are NOT horrible - you have needs of your own that have gone unmet.
I had a prayer I often said when I was caregiver for my mom. “Not too soon and not too long.” I feel no guilt for that prayer and God answered my prayer in the end, for which I am forever grateful.
You state that your sister's caregiver role was a stressor. What was the caregiver situation like before she died? Was your M moved into AL after that?
He never became a burden really. As I reflect back, he was there from birth to 18+, he wasn't perfect, neither was I, but he worked with me. Had been there and only intended the best. Even when it seemed it wasn't. If I could I'd give from the time bank I have left in this life if it meant that all three would get to the finish line together. Unfortunately, life isn't like that.
And just my perspective on it, parents were there for all of it really, the rest of the human race, not so much. In that regard, you probably see it in your students. There are going to be one's that will never respect what you do or did for them.
Stay strong, because when she's finally gone, what you're going thru today may seem like a burden to bear, but the aftermath of when she crosses over, that's gone, the finality of that. I'm probably the only one that ever visits the cemetery to tidy up, but after all I am the only one that really pulled caregiver duty, I'm also the only one of 3 siblings that shoveled the dirt, for Mom, dog & Dad in that order, at that site too.
The fallacy that anyone who gives birth or sires a child is loving and caring needs to end or abuse will always continue for the less fortunate children.
so no, do not feel guilty; my dad took care of his mom, 6 years later took care of my mom thus I do believe it is a family tradition of sorts. 🤪 That tradition stops with me, lol as my husband and I have no children.
please find something you enjoy doing, something that gives you pleasure and when you get to that point stop, call a trusted friend or a neighbor or a sibling ask them to parent sitting for 15 - 30 minutes and walk away as to give you time to refocus. A mani / pedi, yoga, running, a punch bag in the basement whatever it takes.
best wishes and remember you are not alone in this no winner situation.
You really need to put her in a nursing home.
Caregiving gets worse as they decline -- the more they will depend on you, which includes eating, drinking, toiletings, diapering, bathing, etc.
Caregivers who cannot manage their stress and lack social support are at high risk of committing elder abuse.
If you depend on her for your income, when she dies you will be without a job and the bills keep on coming in. The longer you stay out of the work force, the harder it will be to get a job and age discrimination happens all the time.
If her physical well-being is secure, you can decide how much of your time and attention your mother gets. You do not need to respond instantly to her every whim.
That would take a LOT of pressure off.
MC staff are well versed in the ways to handle dementia residents.
If you truly do not want to handle any of her care the facility can arrange visits to doctor appointments.
The thoughts you have about wanting it to end are normal. Understandable.
Have you talked to a therapist? You do not go into detail about your sister but is it remotely possible that your sister had the same thought and her suicide was the way she handled the "wanting it to end"?
I watched my mother suffer in hospice (despite their promise to make "her comfortable). She was unconscious but screaming in pain...every single day and night! It was horrific.
One morning, I witnessed her choking at 3:16 a.m. and ran to the nurse's station. While running back to my mom's room I was scared to death she was dead and another part of me was scared to death she wasn't. I just couldn't bare to see her suffer anymore. It's a totally helpless feeling and I do understand your situation.
If I can do anything to help you, please let me know.
In the meantime, my prayers are going out to you and your family.