My elderly mother has neglected her family all her life after two long term relationships she now finds herself on her own. Shes become very demanding and needy and now wants to be part of our lives after not bothering for best part of it! She’s 82, She’s bitter, narcissistic and moans about us three kids and slags each other off to the others. We’re aged 58, 60, 62 we’re all happily married with families of our own. We’re keeping her at arms length but she’s playing the emotional blackmail card and I’m finding it hard to even listen to her moaning and droaning over the phone. Fortunately none of us live near her. She’s expecting us to all call in and see her now even though she doesn’t make us feel welcome and has a long list of jobs for us to do. My sister has cut her off completely now to save her mental health. I feel guilty as I want to help and be there for her but she’s just so nasty and mean. I’m having trouble dealing with the guilt but it’s starting to effect my mental health now.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Why, because she is now a lonely old woman? That is not your fault. That is her fault for not having friends and keeping close to her kids. Her men were more important. If you do have any relationship with this woman, it should be on your terms. You need to set boundries and keep to them. If she is calling you all the time, stop it. Maybe pick a time of day to call her. Find resources she can take advantage of, like Senior bussing. Don't enable her or disable her. Disabling meaning you do things for her that she is capable of doing for herself.
The ball is in your court. She needs you more than you need her. She needs to know that if she is a part of ur life (or not) and any relationship you may or may not have is on YOUR terms not hers. And if she continues to be needy, nasty and demanding, there will, be no relationship. She will be on her own. 82, unless with health concerns, is not old. I know an 85 yr old still on the go and doing cruises.
You really need to be blunt with her. This is how it is, u made ur bed. If she is not willing to change, she has brought this estrangement onto herself. Think of the story Scrouge, he changed not the people around him. And it took 3 ghosts to show him the truth that helped that change. Mom has to change, not you.
So there are 3 sibs, and one has already bowed out. Are you going to be the only sibling left who will have anything to do with her? Are you satisfied with that? Does anyone have her POA/HCPOA?
It sure is sad that your mother has made such a mess of her life, isn't it?
It's not your job to fix it.
The sooner you back off and leave her to her own devices, the sooner she will move on to trying to get her needs met some other way.
Or, if she has dementia and can't care for herself, she'll come to the attention of social services and be placed.
Do not walk into that lion's den.
What would happen if you told Mother just that - or a version of that?
Tweak it a tiny bit.. leave out the 'be there for her' as that will give her a starter button to a giant FOG machine. (F.O.G: fear, obligation, guilt) Could leave out 'I'd like to help' too. Could tell her you would have liked to have a closer relationship but it is not possible just now. That when she is nasty it makes you feel like not staying in close touch.
Then the ball is in her court. Be nice or I won't play.
She may not change or course. So it will be up to you to decide how much to be involved, if at all.